10.26.22 + 1:11

HEADACHE

well after writing that entry that night i had such a horrible headache i screamed and cried. i screamed and cried and cried and just wished for it to stop. i have therapy today. i want to quit my job. i am so exhuasted. i don't want to work. i don't want to go anywhere. i don't want to talk to anyone. i can't wait to die. i wish i could live as a shut in. but i am not talented at anything, or brave enough. i am just fed up. this is my breaking point. i liked being sick and being in horrible torture pain more than i like going to work. id rather do that than be at work. i wish i could live in an internet cafe. i just don't want to be around. i don't want to drive a car, i don't have my liscence anyways. i just feel. sad. or. something else. i just feel. fed up? done? i just want to curl up and be safe and clean.

10.25.22 + 4:04

FEVER

so sick. had a fever starting 4 days ago. i think i only got so sick cause i was so upset about work. i had a 101 fever for 3 days straight. i was sweating so much my clothes and bedsheets were getting completely wet and ruined. then i would get so cold my body would convulse and shiver like fucking crazy. it was horrible. my body became so sore and muscles hurt all over. my skin sensitivity was incredibly fucking painful. i was sobbing. its strange to cry, because ill wail and cry but then just completely stop crying and go dead pan. just like that. i think its cause of the RAD. i know no one would is coming to help and the pain will not be comforted or stop if i cry.

10.17.22 + 5:42

3DS

everyday between therapy is just nothing. it doesn't even feel like im alive. i've finally decided to quit my job, but i don't know what to do next. i decided to quit because i got so infuriated after working a shift i screamed and cried for an hour on the phone. it was excrutiating. i don't know what job ill pick up next. i hope the world will give me a break and give me something nice for a change. i can't wait until wednesday, only 2 more days. ill say this though! i finally got wild world! i had to buy a new charger for my 3ds, but its working! ill definitely make a page for it, my town is called eerie, and i have goldie in my town! I also had a day this week where i felt so so so pretty. it is really hard since the phone camera and mirror change how i look everytime so i never know how i look. im so tired. even today on my day off i feel horrible. i feel like everything is crumbling, and im stuck in a disgusting horrible cocoon, like everything around me is disgusting disgusting disgusting!!!!! i feel so sick. i just want to be left alone and do nothing. i want everyone to be away from me. i hate them all. everything is made of vomit and puke and hands. i hate it. i can't even feel happy coding or eating. this week i made pumpkin soup 3 times. it was really good. i wish i had more pumpkin to make it today but i ran out, so i think itll be egg drop soup today. i feel like a husk today. maybe it is my roach cicada body becoming something new. i hope so. im excited for halloween!

oh but here ill tell you about what really pissed me off this week. my coworkers wouldn't stop fighting over whether or not to make a pitcher of tea for the london fog on this drink board we have. the fighting got so much my manager made me take down the sign i designed and just put a different drink. i was really mad cause i made that stupid drink they were fighting about! i wasn't even fighting! its infuriating. i can't wait to quit. also, i was working closing, as i always fucking do because they only give me closing shifts, and my coworker made a drink using a pitcher. put the pitcher on the counter, and left it there for an hour. i ususally clean up the mess on the counter, but i had to dishes so i was fucking busy. and GUESS WHAT. HE LEFT IT THERE FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR. and i was the one to fucking finally wash it out. just left it there. who fucking raised you. stupid fucking idiot. all he did was stand there while i had to do dishes the whole time, and i didn't even get to do that because he kept making me come outside to do cash register. i even came in an hour early yesterday! i was so angry and tired i went to bed at 10 pm and woke up at 2 pm. anyways, a good thing that happened this week was that i got 2 of the mcdonalds adult happy meal toys! i got the smiley guy and birdie!

10.12.22 + 4:11

MEMORY

today i went to therapy. finally again. i got to play the my little pony generation 3 memory game. the one where you take those cardboard pieces with all the illustrations and flip them over then you try and flip the ones that match. i was so happy. i cried a lot today, screamed and got so angry. yesterday at work i sliced my finger open because of my anger. whenever i get angry my brain turns off self preservation and i begin to bump into everything, getting bruised, getting burned, getting cut up like this. it's not on purpose though, i become so lost in my anger my i just attract pain and hurt to myself. i screamed and screamed in her room today. she said she wanted to do art therapy and make masks next week. to express the part of me thats so full of hurt. my eyes hurt so bad from crying, that autumn soreness that lays within me. i wonder what kind of mask i will make. my favorite character from the memory game was winter snow, and of course pinkie pie. my therapist told me i was beautiful and was way more pretty than an insecurity i had. i hope for better days. currently blasting music to try and deeply stimulate my brain without getting triggered. i don't wanna go back to work tomorrow, as i am so exhausted. last night i had a thought. you are like a fish on a wire. jump jump jump. jump jump jump. jump jump jump. jump jump jump.

10.10.22 + 11:16

FAIR

its not fair. its not fucking fair. its not fair its just not fair! is it bad enough i don't have a family? friends? loved ones? what the fuck do you want me to do? want me to gut myself for your fucking satisfaction motherfucker? is it bad enough everytime i wake up i'm set ablaze screaming and writhing in extreme pain. apparently not. apparently no matter what suffering i experience will ever be satisfactory. my nails are peeling off, and not from the base in whole pieces, but the tops of my nails are peeling and they fly around like those maple seeds. i truly don't fucking get it. what did i ever fucking do to deserve this level of cruelty. It's so fucking frustrating to try and connect with anyone. i feel so alone just on a fundamental viseral level, like i don't have anyone in my corner, so whats the point of making it worse for me. where's my hand of cards? where's my upper hand? where's my breath of air under the surface? my pain is so visceral, so real, so entrenched in my flesh that every moment im alive is the worst pain you could imagine and I LIVE THROUGH THIS!!! LIVE THROUGH THIS!!! my therapist says im extremely highly reactive. that i most likely had reactive attachment disorder as a larvae. nobody gives a fuck. i don't get a break. i get to keep living, keep dragging my dead body, carrying him through barbed wire and hot asphault. i am already so bruised and beat up!!!! i give up a thousand times over and its never enough for anyone. its not fair. its just not fair. its not fair.

10.9.22 + 12:45

CHOKE

IM SCREAMING IM SCREAMING IM SCREAMING IM SCREAMING!!! i had a terrible night after writing my diary entry i cannot sleep ever! i already want to go back to therapy. i tried for the second day to get the stupid adult happy meals from mcdonald but THEY WERE STILL OUT! whatever i got a fish filet who care who care!!!!! at work i stuck my hands in the scalding hot water, and i mean burning hot and i tried to calm myself down. i do a similar thing when i take baths, i dunk my head in the burning hot water and scream and scream and scream!!! i wrote something good last night, it was
"to be ripe against malice is to be always sore. always raw. always bruised, and to be ripe still is to rot unto decay"
i was so angry. i am still so angry. i want to light my 'cherries on snow candle' already but i also have 'movie night cocoa' which smells so good too. i just need to calm down. i do not know why i am so evocative for mistreatment. even interacting with people i seem to stir some sort of inner rage, like cute aggression, where they feel the need to throw things at me, yell at me suddenly in an attempt to humiliate me, or hit me or push me physically. this has happed with people i know well and with people i don't. it's abrupt and i become belly up in submission. as if i wasn't already. no matter how much i give up and give up and give up and give up the cruelty never seems to stop, and they push their fingers deeper in my stomach.

10.8.22

FINE

hello diary! today i had hoped to wake up earlier than i did, but i instead woke up right before work.. meaning i could not do laundry and eat before work at all. so now tonight i finally was able to put a load of laundry in so i actuallly have stuff to wear at work. it's so hard for me to do cleaning and other housekeeping tasks. i can only do them when everyone in the house is asleep and i can just think i am compeltely alone. i lost my 3ds charger so i think ill have to go to the mall and buy one. also today, i bought a new face cleanser! it has butterfly bush extract.. i've never heard of it before but i liked it very much! i also took a bath with baking soda and my favorite bath milk powder. i was so sweaty and tired after work. my favorite drink at work right now is iced earl grey tea, oat milk, and vanilla! i highly reccomend, it's so good! i should buy more earl grey tea for myself, but i only have oolong. i feel okay today. but i did go to therapy yesterday! she said, i was highly reactive to things, as i had complained about having a breakdown after watching american psycho. and no, not in the way of being disturbed by the imagery, but rather his final monologue of the movie :
"My pain is constant and sharp, and I do not hope for a better world for anyone. In fact, I want my pain to be inflicted on others. I want no one to escape. But even after admitting this, there is no catharsis; my punishment continues to elude me, and I gain no deeper knowledge of myself."
it really made me upset because it describes how i feel a lot of the time on bad days. it really spoke to me in the basic disconnect i feel from everyone else, and i felt miserable.