4.28.23 + 12:50

POSSIBLY

deep discomfort and dissatisfaction with anything and everything. i woke up on the wrong side of the bed, and this terrible feeling can not, will not leave me. i make no progress with anything. even doing yoga and working out, my body is inflamed with worry and anger and misery. i had a moment of serenity and inspiration on the second floor of the bookstore where i was searching for valley of the dolls and i thought i could do it all, that this world could become a keychain on my phone. i would be good. but then the sickness came back. any good feeling is met with a crashing wave of hopelessness. time passes senselesly, and i still don't want to live.

4.25.23 + 11:27

MUSCLE

having somatic flashbacks. it hurts. i work out today.and i go to work. but i can't wake up. i can't sleep. and i can't do anything else. i just feel nothing. i saw a house today that make me think of happy days. where the grass is super green and the sky is grey and stormy and its raining and the tv is on. and the flowers are so bright, and i have rain coat on. and thats the happy feeling i am thinking of. i want to go to sleep. and i want my body to heal and feel better. everything is too bright and dry. please let this pain pass through me.

4.22.23 + 11:21

BOW

went to bed at 7 am and woke up at 3 pm. how miserable. i have been starting to work out more. i hope i can keep up. my sleep is just terrible. but tonight i feel sleepy. i need to get up early. i need to do so many things honestly. i am not ready for summer, or for spring to be over. my body just doesnt shut down at night. im working on it. i have been thikning a lot, have have a lot of ideas for diagrams and explanations to draw out. to create. so many things. but ill have to do it another day, because i have to go to sleep. i already want a new set of nails. these took a bit to get used to and kind of hurt but i love them, and am already thikning of new ideas for my next set. i want to see my therapist. i want to be understood. i want to curl up in a peaceful way, like a lotus flower. i want to wear a lot of perfume.

4.20.23 + 12:08

A NEW GIRL

i am not a cruel girl. i want a cigarette and to lay in wet grass in the night.

i got my nails done for my birthday. they are pink nude gel with black tips and white bow charms. i feel so cute. i also got new makeup, perfume, and workout stuff. i got one perfume that smells exactly like iv plastic. or iv changing fluid. i cried on the phone with my therapist. we talked about eriksons stages of development, and she asked which stage i thought i was stuck at. i don't know. we talked about trust vs mistrust. so infant stage. i cried. my new nails are nice but i already want a new set. i may have gotten these too long. but they are so cute. i want to make a picture board page. i want to do lots of things. plus workout. the summer air makes me restless. i want to be good. i don't want to be thrown in the dumpster.

4.13.23 + 11:26

HOT WET AIR

i was never real. i was all a dead body sopping wet in the mud and grass as the sky lights up, the wind furrows its eyes into the back of its skull and they pop out bright and white bone. i want to run outside and never come back. eventually if i keep running in the dark sky, lit up with the lacing of cocaine thunder i will disappear like death in the endlessness of the world. and ill never have to live again. ill be a wind of sweetness. ill be short sleeve baby shirts. ill be a digital camera. ill be nothing at all.

4.13.23 + 1:03

AWAY

afraid of abandonment, or afraid of this world. i feel like there is no point to anything i do. there is a check from 3 years ago i didn't cash. i don't feel excited for my birthday. i don't feel excited for anything. i don't want the pressure of being alive. i don't want the pressure of this world. mad girl forever. im afraid of this life. i had to do a phone call with my therapist today. what a miserable experience. i want to smash my face into the wall over and over again. she said i am doing the right thing at work, and not freaking out, and not being bad, but its not fair when everyone gets cushion soft love and understanding, and i do the right thing even though i want to splatter myself all over the wall. i am conditioned to go belly up, to no longer struggle or cry out, to be placid, viscous, nothing, dough for you to beat. it doesn't care about me. everyone is so much more visible, so much more real than me. i don't exist to them at all. i am a little figurine. and you can smash my head in with your thumbs and pinch my organs until i pop and it won't matter. i don't matter. im afraid for my birthday. i try to be positive. but i am afraid.

4.11.23 + 11:39

APOCALYPSE NOW

"learn. play. grow. despair" the billboard is reading on the highway. there are so many ants on me, i keep crushing them, i find them crawling on my stomach and face and arms. im so tired. i feel nothing. i don't know anyone, and i hate the way everyone looks. it doesn't matter to me anymore. im just a pillbug. i am motionless. i hate the muscle of movement, i think ill always be hammer smashed face. i want to be faceless. i want to be nothing. this pain is exploding in me, as i distend and putrefy, why are you hurting me. i don't know who i was talking to anymore. because i just don't have a moment of the world as my own. just piece meal your mouth back together, tongue laying limp, teeth wide open, lips purple and swallowing. give me a dream of purpose. pull me gently and hold me. sew me back up, i have all my life knocked out of me. i have all my lungs fanned open. and eating air is like screaming under the bathtub water. i miss it. i miss bathing. and i miss the openess of my mouth in the hot water, and i miss how painful it burns.

4.05.23 + 5:14

APOCALYPSE EXMORTIS

trying to scan or read words on feed or screens is impossible. "i voted did you?" turns into "i died, did you?". my body does not sleep, then it does. i can't go to sleep forever, then i will sleep for 20 hours. i have so many dreams. please help me be beautiful. please help me.

4.03.23 + 11:47

REJECTED

the poems i submitted for a contest were rejected. it was decided that they wouldn't be finalists. im so depressed. i am disillusioned once again, where i re-remember i don't like anything about being alive, there is no adventure, curiosity, love, or hope i feel. nothing i want to do, complete, love, engage in. i am not wowed by this world, by these people, by this life. i don't care about creating, i don't care about forming relationships. the intense and unbearable pain of having to be born at all is crushing me. there is a deep and heavy weight inside me pulling me down into the floor until the pressure breaks and splits my body open and i burst. i hate being alive. i hate the cold, the hatred, the anger. i don't feel like i can do anything. i was so close. i was so close. it takes 10 weeks to decide a winner, and last year i was rejected within 2 weeks, but this year i was rejected right before they announced the finalists. i could have been a finalist. i hate my life. i hate myself. i am a burden on everyone. i don't find joy in eating, in thinking, in talking. i don't find joy in anything. the pain of being alive is so unbearable. the fact that i have to transition at all to being dead is so rage inducing, so mortifyingly painful in the fact i have to be erased. and i would have rather never been born at all or again then have to experience any of this ever at all in the first place. i hate being alive, and i resent and hate everything for making me conscious. i don't find joy in anything. i am hopeless about the state of the world, as i have been for the last 7 years. i don't add value to the world, i am not independent, i am a loser, and i have no value or skills, there was literally no point to me being born. i am in hell.
i feel stuck in this life, and i feel afraid and cold and alone.