4.2.25 + 5:43 PM

GOOD MORNING

good morning to april. i feel strange, and very disgusting. this week i'm working on talking to a hiring agnecy. i want to get a job, even if i still can't drive. i feel extremely disgusting, which doesn't go away if i shower, if i eat well, if i go to sleep. it's just a very intense disgust perception of everything all around me, i don't feel good with any people, i don't feel good to feed myself or to do my hair. it all feels so messed up. maybe it's because i bought new shampoo and conditioner. i don't know. i just can't stand feeling this way. recently watched the movie Sybil, as well as watching the documentary Satan Wants You, about the book Michelle Remembers. i'd love to get my hands on a copy of Michelle Remembers, as well as Sybil Exposed. i guess i'm less so interested in the repercussions of these books, but instead the theraputic experiences and internal issues both these women faced. the Sybil movie (2007, the one with Tammy Blanchard) i thought was good, i know lots of people say it's trash, and sure some parts were presented in a ridiculous manner, but i enjoyed it and the story it presented. i haven't watched the miniseries yet, (from 1976), and i don't know if i will.

i really want to get more focused as i get another job again, on my goals, improving my quality of life, and engaging better in life. i want to read a lot more, and i want to do a lot more things. i will pray a lot. i hope i don't feel this disgusting forever. i want to feel safe.