4.29.25 + 3:03 AM

GETTING BY

busy. i saw a new therapist. did the intake. it was rough, but i got through it. went to the city. heading to new york for a week. don't know if i'll bring laptop to work on stuff. working on side site project. just scatterbrained and mentally limp.

4.20.25 + 9:26 PM

MAINTENANCE AND SERVITUDE

the provocative becomes the mundane, and dulls until it drools and heats into viscous tar and back into taboo. i look at other people's bodies but i don't feel moved. i don't feel moved by anything right now. went into the city. supposed to be happy, supposed to have fun. supposed to, but it feels like a different person entirely did that. i feel quiet and uninspired and broken. i thought in the car i just wanted to sit on the stoop and smoke in the quiet of blue twilight i just thought "why can't you just let me hurt myself". i hate crying. i should be grateful that im not in insanity pain. i should be grateful to have lived on from dying in the hospital. but i just hate being alive. i will pray things change, but im just lost and dead already. my whole body and soul are molested and mutilated. went to a museum, in the gift shop i saw children's books i had as a kid, all i could think about was feeling molested, that's all i can think about. i can't seem to haul the courage and strength back up to make myself contented. i just feel lost. i feel like my consciousness and memory are all on different pages of books, like you're writing down memories and motivations and feelings on different pages and then you have to open up specific and certain parts of the book, because each page is missing something, or retelling it differently with completely different thoughts and motivations. i just hate feeling like this, because i look at myself and i know it doesn't mean anything. i know there's no point to any of what i'm feeling. it doesn't hold weight, won't break a dam, won't ellicit meaning or carve something beautiful into the flood. there's just nothing under all of it, and i can reach right through me.

just tired. i'll feel better later probably, and i'll think clearly when i'm not like this.

im incredibly shaken and painful. i saw a picture of a lily progressively opening and blooming and thought "that's happening to me right now", but only because i have a lily opening up and blooming right now. it's extremely fragrant. i forget just how fragrant.

4.14.25 + 1:07 AM

PATIENCE

i made brioche. it was disappointing. i didn't like it all that much, in fact, i think i hated how it turned out. i should have not been so surprised, i hate the density of brioche, and i don't like the chocolate swirls in most, but i thought maybe i could expand my palate if i baked it myself. i left in the fridge an extra day when fermenting because i was too tired to do all the steps to bake it that day. i think that might have messed it up, or contribtued. the inside dough texture of the brioche looks good, it comes apart okay. i just don't like it, but i baked it and used all the ingredients, so i feel really ashamed that i don't like it.

i feel so nothing today. i just feel so tumultuous about everything. i am so flat affect. my ear is still blocked up. i hope it actually gets better. i'm really tired today. i just want to curl up and be cold. i hope things will change. i want to bathe and take care of myself. im so frustrated.

4.10.25 + 9:19PM

BEING REALLY SICK

finally able to sit up and walk around. i was very sick. it started when i had a sore throat, and had to remove some tonsil stones, which i gargled with apple cider vinegar and salt water, and used a cotton swab to get a couple loose. i was really ashamed of the tonsil stones, i felt really bad that i got them. anyways, i cleaned my throat. afterwards i got a really bad fever, i couldn't get out of bed, body aches, malaise, skin sensitivity, flushing burning hot then freezing. my head was buzzing with sickness, it went on for a few nights. genuinely one night, i told God it was okay for me to die, and that i loved Him and would not be upset if i had to die. then my sore throat disippated, but i was still dizzy all the time, and very weak.

i woke up one morning, sobbing, and i had to go to urgent care right as it opened. i had blisters on my eardrum from an infection that had traveled from my throat to my ear, and i was in so much pain, sweat was dripping down my ribcage and onto my pants. it wasn't strep, or the flu, or covid. maybe my body was just so weak it couldn't take it. i was shivering in pain on the table, i guess i am very sensitive. the nurse i saw was incredibly sweet and nice. she was truly a blessing, so caring and kind to me. genuinely concerned and it makes me tear up now when i write this to even think of her generosity and compassion towards me in that moment. i was in so much pain at home, all i could do was crawl on the floor for an hour, praying nonstop with my veil on for relief. His sweet mercy washed over me, my angels all coming to the ground where i laid. i was feverish and hurting. i was unable to lay down at all, twisting and contorting. it was like torture. i shouldn't be so surprised. my immune system is not very good since my surgeries and chemo as a child. i felt very weak and stupid. i am slowly recovering, but i still cannot bathe myself very well, or stand up for long periods of time. i always feel like i'm going to fall over. i can't hear much out of my ear, and what i do hear is muffled by the sound of my heartbeat against my eardrum. i hope the antibiotics i'm taking work. being sick makes me feel so helpless and stupid.

what made being sick unbearable is my "p*****r*****nts". i went to one of them, before my eardrum, and i was telling her i was nervous because i was having such bad symptoms, seeking stupidly, some sort of self placating comfort in trying to share the pain with another person. this did not work, as she began to scream at me that i "should have thought about this before getting sick, because there's no place open that can take you, so there's nothing i can fucking do for you, so you're just going to have to deal with it" (urgent care was open when i told her this, and open the next day too). she continued to berate me until i was sobbing, crying and apologizing for telling her. i don't know why i decided it would be a good idea to try and find comfort in her, maybe inside me there is a masochist who loves being driven to tears over the fear of death and pain. that night my heartrate was rocketing against my chest my whole body was buzzing and whirring with fever inside my extremities and all over my brain. i didn't know if i could move, or if i would wake up, i was scared to tears in my bed. it really hurt.

when i went to an urgent care when my ear hurt, he drove me, and when we got there, i had only brought my insurance card. they needed an id to verify, and i apologized, and he slammed the door in front of the front desk, and began to scream and berate me that "YOU NEED TO TRY. YOU NEED TO ACTUALLY TRY. YOU'RE NOT TRYING BECAUSE YOU DON'T NEED YOUR ID TO GET IN". he told me that now i have to ride the whole car ride back in pain, and it's all my fault and that he specifically asked me about the ID before we left (he only asked me about my insurance card, which I had). he just was screaming nonstop while i was crying and uncontrollably shaking in pain, which made me cry harder, and he just wouldn't stop screaming at me about how it's all my fault. i could barely focus on anything, i felt bad for forgetting to bring my ID, but i was just so out of it, as i couldn't sleep for more than a few hours at a time without waking up in pain for the last few days before the urgent care visit.

i just sit here and don't understand, why it is that my sickness erupts into screaming at me and berating me. i didn't swear, or scream, or was rude either time. i just felt timid, and in pain, and i guess my fear drove me to seek something that didn't exist, compassion for my human self. it made being sick like this so much more difficult, as the stress made me barely eat or drink, and i just cried so much. i don't know what that gained them, or what the point of it was to treat me that way. maybe enhancing, sharpening the physical and mental distress of illness, is a penance for the maochistic angel erupting inside my body. maybe it is so i can come inside of the moon pool reflection, sharp and celeste, the point at which the apex of my pain can only be dealt with submission, or acceptance. i am so grateful to not be in pain like that right now.

i hope i continue to recover. it scares me, that i'll go back to being helpless and wriggling. i feel like something sub-human, i feel very heavy, like my head is bowed at all times. maybe one day i'll learn my lesson.
i hope i have more energy to work on my computer and sit up. i want to be better already. i am very impatient and being sick makes me feel really bad for being unproductive. so much shame, and for what. i didn't learn anything. so much self flagellation, but it doesn't seem to change a thing about me. i just want to dream about laying down in grass, and sun on my face before the rain. i want to go home. i feel so lost. maybe when i'm better, i won't feel so bad.

4.4.25 + 1:06 AM

MORE-TUARY

today i made lemon possets. they have vanilla extract, so i hope the vanilla isn't too overpowering. today i watched le bonheur from 1965, which i thought was okay. it didn't wow me, even though people say they really find it amazing. it kind of reminded me of midsummar. last night i half watched killing me softly from 2002, i might watch it again tonight, i'm trying to wait for my lemon possets to set. it's hard, i want to eat them so bad. maybe i should bake something else while i'm waiting. i also watched alice, sweet alice. i don't know how to feel. brooke shields is in it. i thought the shots were very beautiful. as well as the costumes, catherine's character is especially gorgeous. i liked the ending too, but i was confused by the twist. i guess i'll try and stew on it. i got bored a little after the twist unfortunately. i'll try not to be so bored if i watch it again.

very restless. how is it already friday. i'm so ashamed.

4.2.25 + 5:43 PM

GOOD MORNING

good morning to april. i feel strange, and very disgusting. this week i'm working on talking to a hiring agnecy. i want to get a job, even if i still can't drive. i feel extremely disgusting, which doesn't go away if i shower, if i eat well, if i go to sleep. it's just a very intense disgust perception of everything all around me, i don't feel good with any people, i don't feel good to feed myself or to do my hair. it all feels so messed up. maybe it's because i bought new shampoo and conditioner. i don't know. i just can't stand feeling this way. recently watched the movie Sybil, as well as watching the documentary Satan Wants You, about the book Michelle Remembers. i'd love to get my hands on a copy of Michelle Remembers, as well as Sybil Exposed. i guess i'm less so interested in the repercussions of these books, but instead the theraputic experiences and internal issues both these women faced. the Sybil movie (2007, the one with Tammy Blanchard) i thought was good, i know lots of people say it's trash, and sure some parts were presented in a ridiculous manner, but i enjoyed it and the story it presented. i haven't watched the miniseries yet, (from 1976), and i don't know if i will.

i really want to get more focused as i get another job again, on my goals, improving my quality of life, and engaging better in life. i want to read a lot more, and i want to do a lot more things. i will pray a lot. i hope i don't feel this disgusting forever. i want to feel safe.