8.27.23 + 10:57 PM

SCRATCH TICKETS

i feel so humiliated and shameful. today at work my manager told me i was being passive aggressive for not making eye contact, and not talking. i did my job just fine and said hi to everyone. i just didn't carry on conversations or start them, or look at people. i told her i was just doing my job. is it not enough for me to crawl around like a wounded animal embarrassing myself? so then i put on my little act again and pretended everything was fine. it makes me want to smash my face into the corner of the freezer until i die and my brains and face sprawl out and slump down over the form of it. i just hate it. i feel dirty and violated and sick and humiliated and terrible. i am not passive aggressive, if anything the worst thing im doing is sulking. i actually can't do this. i feel like im dying... my face and throat feel sick and disgusting and some sort of somatic recognition of some sensation i can't pin down but its so visceral, like the feeling of clammy dirty skin on me and beard stubble and cold breath on my face and in my eyes and i want to crawl out of my skin. i hate being weak, i hate people.
i did a lot of scratch tickets today to help out since we had a good amount. and it was fun to just try and go go go and scratch all the stuff off and i made a big mess. i did about 50 of them.
i want to be clean. i want to be muscular, and dreamy, and soft, and clean. i want to see my therapist so badly. i have reiki tomorrow, so i will hopefully feel a bit better.

8.26.23 + 2:28 PM

HATRED DAY

well. i'm all done. all done! today i went in to try and be brave at work. i wanted to vomit the whole day. my hands were shaking and i was in so much physical pain i dropped ice and lids and cups and drinks and i needed to vomit so bad and was in so so so so so much pain physically i couldn't breathe. so i went to talk to my manager and the store manager. and my manager said that she was in the dark about a lot of this and didn't know about the promotion stuff of this coworker, and then the store manager came in and basically pinned it all on me, because no one told me about how the promotion process works and that its only on review cycles, which is every 6 months. well, no one ever told me that and my other two senior baristas said that they weren't really told that and its strange because the male coworker has only been working for two months so theres no way he had a review recently and the store manager said i should have expressed interest in being full time and needed to talk to my manager about what it would take to me to be senior. and then i cried.
i have picked up so many shifts, done extended shifts, done double shifts, i come in on my days off every time, i have never said no, i haven't called out in three months, i scrub and bleach all the table bases that no one wants to do, i do whatever is asked of me. i do the chalkboard every month, i have never been written up or anything, the customers know me, my coworkers like me a lot i think, and i am so done. i cried so much and am so angry. i hate this world. and i want to die. this is the one time i am just really wanting to hurt myself, even though i know it won't do anything. i don't care! i am just absolutely distraught. the male coworker is rude, condescending, dismissive, and he has a house, he doesn't even need this job. i hate him. so much. i hate this world. and i hate myself for being so weak and crying infront of my manager. but i can't help it. i am a weak person, and i don't like being alive. i don't like working my job, i don't like being alive. i don't want to do anything but die. everything i do means absolutely nothing.
my face hurts from crying and my stomach hurts from needing to vomit. every coworker i talked to today said they supported me and they thought that i should get the promotion. am i stupid? i think i am. i think my brain is all gone and dead. and i think i am a bad and sanguine person. all feverish and infected and dirty. and i just wish i would die. the humiliation and pain is too much for me. i am a weak person. i know it. and it is so painful to be weak. i tried to stand up for myself, or at least what i thought would help me, i thought i could do it if i tried, i thought i wouldn't take it sitting down, but i was very very very wrong.

please angels help me, please help me. please guide me. anything. any small thing. just help me.

i don't want to even go back to work, but my female coworker who i like a lot said to stay until my next review and we can get a job somewhere else together. i am in so much pain it is insane. i am completely humiliated, i feel so stupid. my throat hurts, and i can't get a footing on this life.

i don't want to try anymore. but life goes on anyways even if i am stupid and weak. so i will just keep living. because there's nothing else to do.

i have calmed down, its about 6 hours later. i still feel humiliated and terrible. i just want to see my therapist, and i wish people who hurt me would not just get to be happy and whatever.. i want to deserve happiness. i want to be good. and i want things to get better.

8.25.23 + 10:54 PM

PERFUME

i am incredibly angry.
today, two of the manager booksellers, which the side of the store i don't even work on, told me a new hire is getting promoted above me. i have worked at my current job for a year and a half. this person has worked here for two months. i am so mad, i cried and screamed in the bathroom, and then screamed more in the car. no one likes him, he is condescending, he is rude, he is the perosn who told me you shouldnt use a cleaner on plastic even though the literal packet for the cleaner says to use on plastic. none of my coworkers like him, why the hell would they make him a senior and not me, who has worked there for a year and a half, and who my coworkers all like. literally people have told me if i quit they will leave too. so what the fuck.
my m*m just kept telling me that i won't like jail after my outburst. i am not stupid, i am not going to actually fight or threaten anyone, i am just freaking out. i am going to talk to the store manager tomorrow. the promotion isn't set in stone, and my other coworker said she would back me up and talk to the store manager too, which makes me happy. i don't understand. i've never been written up, and i go at least what i think is above the norm. i always pick up shifts, do double shifts, do extended shifts, do closings alone or openings alone. i do the chalk board signs, i get on my hands and knees and scrub and bleach all 30 of the table bases, and i get along with everyone at least i think so. i am so unbelievably angry. i literally want to vomit and sob and blow my brains out.
whatever!!!! i did a really good torso painting at therapy and it was really good. so whatever!!!

8.24.23 + 3:48 PM

STRAWBERRY GREEN TEA

oh. after having such a good day, with restful sleep and a nice work day, i have been up for 24 hours again. my tv stopped working which ruined my routine, and i couldn't put myself to sleep. i was really frustrated and disappointed. today in therapy i painted a torso. and i talked really fast and a lot. i had to have my therapy rescheduled to today cause she had to cancel yesterday. ugh. my body and face feel exhausted, but my brain is not. it is relentlessly seeking out and smashing itself into trying to find comfort or respite. it is really annoying. but what do i prefer, that or nothing. i'm not sure. i just want to get something done, because i need to keep myself awake until tonight. though im not sure if my brain will feel comforted enough to sleep tonight either.
really funny days at work again last night, i had to stand on the counters and do the new signs for the fall launch, and it was cool. and then we found a vibrator and two empty bottles of wine in the trash. um. it was crazy! and we were laughing and screaming so hard. i am really embarrassing. i make big reactions to try and placate others, and my therapist asked if it was a behavioral issue to work on and i was so ugh. my therapist asked me for the billionth time if i feel manic. i don't know even what that means. i don't feel elevated grandeur or anything, i just can't go to sleep at all. my therapist even asked me how i'm functioning to day lol. and i told her i do this a lot, 24 hour or 48 hour of not being able to put myself to bed. i dunno. we have talked about it ad nauseum, so there is no point to re-iterate, sleep hygeine doesn't work and i just need to figure out how to feel safe, and in all honesty i may never feel safe in this house. i dunno. i am trying my best to take sleeping supplements and drinking sleepy tea at the same time when i get home from work every night, but my brain will fight extensively for its need for comfort and safety. so it feels like a hopeless battle. but i still try! do your best everyone! i totally love working with my cool coworker, she is so cool and fun and i want to smoke cigarettes with her.
i want to make friends and be cool!

8.23.23 + 1:29 PM

MICROWAVE

had a wonderful day at work yesterday. had a strange dream last night. things all shift and move! i got to work with my friendly coworker, and we were crying laughing for half the shift. she had put butter in the microwave and the butter had all started sparking blue lightning and charring the inside of the microwave, and i had left the sink on to go help her, and it overflowed with soap. we were laughing so hard. it was extremely pleasant. the close went great, and i love working with her. we had so much fun and got work done. i also got a new purse today.
my dream last night was about my ex, who was angry at me, yelling at me, it seemes or at least i remember it being about confronting me for not staying in touch with him? i don't know, he was the one who dumped me, so i guess i was confused as to why he was so mad. it was a strange dream. lately, my dreams have been about people in my past who i have grown distant with. and so, this is the second dream in that series it seems. i don't understand what my brain or the angels want to tell me. but, i guess it is processing the past, and what connections i've made before. i don't know. i also, surprsingly, slept last night. i had a terrible headache behind my eye, and took two advil, before getting into bed. once the advil helped the headache go away, i felt, extremely sleepy. and so i went to sleep at around 1 am, and woke up at 11 am. how strange it feels. i don't know what's going on with me.

8.19.23 + 11:15 PM

DOUBLE FISH

today my coworker, my lead barista who had been working there for a long time, told me that toady was his last day. though i had often been extremely frustrated working with him, for some reason i felt very sick and anxious at the idea. i hate change, transition, movement. it just makes me feel like it's all rushing past me. i feel like the unit and normality, even if i was angry and pissed off sometimes, has been broken off. and now i just feel sick and nervous. am i even able to handle life? i don't feel like i have a permanent crook to curl and hide in, but i guess for anyone else that would be themselves. but for me, it feels like my structure has been obliterated, as it always has been. there is no shelter inside me, or outside of me.
i don't want to think about this anymore. i don't want to feel so strange. somatically, it's under the sides of my ribs, sore and writhing in me, the pain of being dragged out of routine and normality.
i stayed up for a long time for the last few days, slept five hours, woke up at 7 am the previous day, then went back to sleep until 3 PM before work. i then stayed awake from 3PM, all through the next day, and then was up until 1 AM. my vision was blurry my eyes unfocusing, and i could tell i was tired. but i just can't put myself to sleep. but, i had a very vivid dream, finally one vivid enough to write about. it was strange, comforting, and it filled that needy aching terror in me with some relief. but now my muscles all contract and constrict up as they writhe in somatic pain. i hope it's a sign that i'll be saved. that i'll be able to be strong, that i'll be held and cradled.
in the end, i know i'm a weak person. and it's painful. but i'll just have to take it, endure it.
i'll figure it out. i'll figure it out. i'll figure it out. i'll figure it out. i'll vomit over myself and clean it up, and hold myself until my muscles all relax, and i'll cradle myself on the floor, and let myself sink until i turn into water and cigarette ash. i know my brain is melting and rotting out of my ears and lips, and it trickles down my throat and drops into my stomach, and all the terrible things i've remembered all eat away inside me until my torso is torn open, until my heart ruptures and sprawls itself all over me, grasping and tightening my ribs until they snap.
i'll be good. for the world goes on whether things are different or stay the same. and i'll have to take it, take the blows, cradle the fist between my forearms, watch it burst every vein under my skin, and know i'll just have to bruise. i can't go back, or stay where i am, try as i might.

8.15.23 + 10:36 PM

MEEK

i feel far and away, i just want to stay curled up under the dirt. i feel afraid of doing anything. i don't feel in touch. i keep thinking i need to hook up my ps2 to my tv, but i don't do it. i want to keep writing my novel but i don't feel any motivation. i just can't move. i really am paralyzed emotionally and psychologically right now. i just feel angry, or maybe i feel frustrated and fed up. i want to just curl up into a chest of flesh and press myself into warmth and constricting muscles up around my body until i am crushed into nothing.
i want to fix up the coloring and stuff for my site soon. i just need to get out of this paralysis. nurse myself back into movement. i dunno.

8.12.23 + 11:04 PM

DESTINY AND PAINFUL WORlD

oh. okay. so today, i went driving in my coworker's car. it was pretty embarrassing since im still not very good at driving. but i tried really hard. and i drove about 2 minutes to target. then we got mcdonalds and he drove me home. i feel, absolutely disgusting and terrible. i have no idea why. i was happy to get practice in, and i was happy to get some food and conversation, i have no idea why i feel so angry and like i wish i never did it. nothing bad happened. besides my rookie driving skills. no accident, nothing. i guess this is the problem with my rejection disgust and RAD. my other coworker who i really like and think i am friends with told me she loved me and even sent me something that really reflected my inner self and, i felt totally... bad. i felt angry, disgust rejection. it's a very strange feeling. when people in life show me some kindness or connection my brain hates them and gets afraid. i don't express it, it's not how,, i really feel; i think. i want to make happy connection. and make friends. but i think im just wired in a weird way. all the radio signals in my brain get crossed.
i hold onto hope.

8.8.23 + 11:13 PM

REIKI AND DRIVING

i might have my coworkers teach me to drive, since no one will take me. i know i have to try. i just have to try. i want to buy a new purse and wallet really badly, and also a new doll. i'm feeling empty and cold inside, like im flat and old like lace curtains that are all moth eaten. i've been impulse shopping now.. oops. i don't know, i just need deep brain stimulation and fulfillment. something to eat away at me. it was strange, my reiki practitioner said when she did this week's session she could see me drawing, something with big eyes, like an alien, and that she saw me drawing frantically when she was moving my energy. i was really surprised, but maybe that's just a good guess. i drew a tarot card too, from an angel deck. it was the angel of opportunity and change, and i think that's... happiness hope peace sign. feeling out my brain, like a wave pool, seeing what it needs and what it's going to destroy. sleep eludes me, but i just have to try. my reiki practitioner offered to listen in a more theraputic way too, that i could discuss things that were troubling me. maybe i'll take her up on the offer. i love the way her candles smell, so relaxing. tomorrow is therapy, and my therapist wants me to do group therapy for adults with PTSD and i just am like. i dunno. RAD jealousy and hatred. i dunno.... lol. we'll see how therapy goes tomorrow.
oh right. my reiki practitioner suggested for me to make a 'worry journal'. which i was like, thats kind of what this is. but i just get really restless needing comfort and safety at night and i become in pain, my brain and heart ache and cry. oh well. i don't know, i'll try. i'll try. everyday try your best!

8.6.23 + 9:15 PM

ORGAN STAGNATION - JUST THINKING

spent the night talking to no one about my issues. didn't sleep again. i don't sleep or want to. my brain just wants to sleep in the morning instead. i odn't know if it even wants to sleep at all. my body feels full of pain and garbage body. maybe i will vomit up all the pain in me. i thought a lot about how. stagnant i am. how i don't really live out of any desire to. its just out of its because its what im supposed to, and killing myself is bad. i am kind of just in this ultimate limbo of feeling like.. i really don't want to be conscious at all. because in the end. i do not enjoy life simply. i do not feel happy being alive, and i do not enjoy this experience. if god offered me a perfect life or to destroy my consciousness forever i would choose to be erased. i just. live because its what im supposed to, not because i want to. do i even want to be happy i wonder sometimes? it sure seems like it. but, i don't like this life anyways.
i think about how i need my pain to be real, because it was ignored and snuffed and hidden for so long. how i never grew up with any rational or sense of understanding of f*m*ly bonds. only terror. i literally get so angry and jealous seeing f*m*lies. i can't even speak or say the words because it feels dirty and horrible, like viscerally. so. i guess because it was muffled and stomped on, and because of my RAD, i just scream and reach out endlessly. i am a bottomless pit, and endless funnel that the spout gets smaller and smaller, squeezing and killing and wringing the need endlessly. and then what? i don't know what i'm supposed to do. try. make real actions and change. but i don't want to be alive in the first place, so i sit there in between. i sit in the limbo and do nothing instead.
i think about how i am endlessly waiting for do-over. for. retribution. for a savior. for rapture. but that is fantasy thinking. but it is my only source of hope. i am not in the present. i am so stupid. i am stuck so intensely in my pain, because i need i need i need i need i NEED that reactive attachment goring of my body. to have all the heat and stuffing pulled out of me and remade into an angel. i know what i am, and how bad my thinking is. but there is no desire to live in me, not truly, no desire to be. i feel like i am still a baby. i think about how as a child i just waited endlessly, thinking today is the day. today i am saved. today it will all be okay. today the suffering will end. and i am still waiting for that. i am still waiting. i can't abandon myself. not after everything. you need to let go of that part of yourself, it's in the past not when i dream it. not when i feel it all over me and inside me... i think about how i tried so much to scream out. how i've made attempt after attempt at freeing myself from this suffering, with real change. being pro-active, trying to get any adult to listen to me, to help me. help me!! and nothing ever changed. so now i think, i am still waiting. i want to be saved. i want that RAD disconnect, the crossed and fuzzy static radio wires in my brain to finally come together.
i think about this life and how i don't want to live it. but giving up is wrong. how at the same time i am pathetic, selfish, self-pitying, self-defeating, self-sabatoging, and weak, and somehow strong, enduring. is it some sort of paradox, that i am supposedly good for surviving and making it through, for doing it alone and myself, but also because i am in pain i am bad. because i have not saved myself, because i have not healed i am bad. because i have not changed my life i am bad.
i know i am doing the same things over, but really, i do try to change myself. but it's not enough, and i'm just cycling, circling the funnel.. my symptoms make it impossible to even take care of myself sometimes, and my RAD is literally physically and chemically changed my radio-angel brain and can't process and connect like others. but i let that control me, it's all in my head, and i need to push through. i'm just making excuses to live in a fantasy, to ignore my problems. but i'm not ignoring them, i can't ignore them, they hurt me and hinder my functioning, so i can't even do ADL tasks. one small step at a time, any progress is good. but it's not enough, you haven't tried enough or done enough. you must just want to be miserable. i need someone to come save me. you need to save yourself . i can't save myself, i'm just that terrorized catatonic girl. that's an excuse for you to continue being stagnant, to live in that fantasy i can't separate myself from her, i hate her and want to strangle her and kill her so i wouldn't have to live at all. there's no point before it i knew. there's no me to go back to. you're abandoning yourself . just like everyone else did. the world isn't fair and no one will come help you. you need to save yourself. i'd rather just put myself down. i'm nothing without this pain. cleave it from you. i would die.
it goes back and forth and back and forth and there's really no point because at the end of the day i am in the limbo between hating being alive, resenting all consciousness, and needing and yearning and begging the angels for hope and healing and peace and love.

forgive me world for my badness. forgive me for this body and this mind. i am so terrified i will beg and need this for the rest of my life, in this suffering.

something good will happen soon, and that is the hope i carry in my body for today.

8.5.23 + 10:49 PM

YEARN 2

my heart hurts again today. i don't want to do anything really. i just feel like i want to be held and saved. and it hurts. i think about nothing. i don't move. i watch the weather on my computer and think about how painful this is. and i look at everything around me begin to rot and fall apart. i don't know what to do with myself.
i want to be good. i replay this pain inside my body until it all falls off me, and then slips up inside me again. i try and examine, try and extrapolate this fear inside me. try and make it mean something. but it all comes out like radio signals crossed and fuzzy. and i don't know how to keep my voice down, i don't know how to shut my mouth, so i deserve to be muzzled. i don't know how to behave. i don't know how to be good. i want to be good. and i want to be deserving. maybe i don't know how to be deserving.
my therapist just keeps saying things about this being possible mania, my not sleeping and not eating. but its not like i feel any better. i feel miserable, just unending. my brain won't sleep without feeling cradled. i can force myself to eat, but i can't force myself to sleep really. we talked about sleep hygeine and for the millionth time she told me not to worry about it becuase it doesn't seem like it helps to just shut down everything abruptly, and that it causes me worse distress. im just in this terror mode of nothing.
i just work and try not to think. i try to forget it all. wear me down, and hold me down. i don't know. its hard to think at all these days. i just want to curl up on myself like a pillbug and explode. i want to wash myself clean. i guess i am just rambling. i just hope i can go home, wherever it will be. i want for that angel love and help.

8.1.23 + 3:38 PM

YEARN

my heart hurts and feels cold. but today, it was cool out. it was nice and cool actually, like a day in october. i felt very at peace. all the while, my heart hurts. i will remain hopeful. i keep taking my sleeping supplements and drinking my sleeping tea at the same time. i want it to work badly. i want to be good. i hope things will change. recently i am excited(?) for autumn. i want to cold to return, the feeling of suckerpunch and leaves. i don't know why, i usually love summer too. but i guess i haven't been able to keep up with my usuall summer routine at all, because of my working.
usually during the summer i'd lay out and sunbathe for hours listening to mlp grimdark stories or scp readings. and it would soothe me. but i guess with work and stuff i just haven't. instead i just walk. that is good for getting out my energy (somewhat, not always, most days i still sprint around in circles for hours) but i think it is at least something. maybe august will let me sunbathe more.
is it bad, that i want to be saved? that i want that rapture to come for me? is that too selfish, to giving up? i want to believe it's alright for me to want surrender. i have talked about this with my therapist, that i just want to redo, to be taken care of finally. my RAD is hurting me inside, it makes my heart twist and writhe and resist and struggle. i feel cold inside today. i feel distant from it all. i hope the angels will send me some goodness. i hope for relief, and peace. and i hope i deserve it.
i will be hopeful this month, with strength.