8.25.24 + 10:30 PM

TOFU SPREAD

today i baked from 3PM - 9PM. i made chocolate cupcakes, with a splash of espresso, and both strawberry and apple cider frosting. the apple cider reduction took so long it was abhorrent. but a good caramel nonetheless. i don't really feel a sense of accomplishment. did dishes too afterwards and cleaned up. i had two pieces of sourdough toast, with tofu cream cheese spread, black olives, mozarella cheese, and a poached egg. it was very delicious. i love bitter or strange flavors, so olives are right up my alley. if i'm not careful, i will eat the whole olive jar.

there was a song on tumblr uploaded on a tumblr account called "deadpuppy" or "deadpuppie" or something along those lines and it's a beautiful song and eventually one day they deleted it and i had made sure to try and remmeber what it sounded like, but today is the day i thought about it and couldn't remember a single note. i wish i could hear it again.

on tuesday i go back to new york to go to a museum with my cousins. i don't remember where we're going i just know it's some exhibit. reading a woman on tumblr's substack that i enjoy very much. i like the introspection.
no more wasting. i want to come to my senses

8.24.24 + 12:34 AM

THE BIGGEST LOSER

i went on a walk for a while today. some neighborhood kids had dragged a small kid's tennis net into the street, and drew a chalk square for the court. any cars coming by had to back up and take another route. it was about ten kids playing tennis or maybe giant ping pong because they were using paddles and rackets both. it was sweet. air smelled good today, like fall. i layed down outside in the grass on a towel and put my feet on the earth to try and calm myself. stared up at the sky, tried to feel more safe. saw a video about conversion disorder, or FND, and it made me feel sad. the physical pain i feel is hard to get rid of. i want to go back to detachment, but what i really want, is safe and secure attachment.

the grass was nice. outside was nice, cool and soft. i need to go outside everyday before it becomes overwhelmingly cold or humid again. looking up at the trees like a big umbrella, i remember, when i was young, we had a swingset, and i'd spend hours and hours and hours outside swinging nonstop, watching the leaves fall, it get colder, the tv from the outside, my fingers and nose and ears get numb and hot from chill. everything was so vibrantly erupting at dusk, the sounds of people crying, the warmth and explosion of light from the wood in the kitchen, the furry moldy carpet beneath my feet, and the stuck and heavy door that wouldn't open and i would get locked outside. the feeling of my calluses on my palms and fingers and the burning from the rope of the swing. the bats flying against the bright sky, their dark shapes so vivid and imprinted. all the leaves falling, the dirt i'd drag and kick under my feet. it was autumn, so flush and wintry. snapping in my face like a hard smack.

the tea is warm and good, and my cat slept on my stomach and felt heavy. please angels, please help me. i need your love, i need your touch on my face. i am so far away, this body is full of pain, and all i want is to be in your arms. i need your mercy and your guidance.

8.23.24 + 12:47 AM

CRAYONS AND STUFF

today in therapy i had a breakdown and sobbed and slammed my fists down and just was so frustrated and unable to think of a solution to my issue. my therapist says i need a more structured daily schedule to keep myself in line and in focus. i think she's right. not working is just not for me, i like having a planned day, i like routine and knowing. i should make myself a "work" schedule while i continue to look for a new job, so that way everyday i can "go to work" in taking care of myself. i just hate how out of control i feel. it hurts so bad, and i just feel so out of control it's intensely frustrating. after therapy, i went into bookseller's car cause he's the one who drove me to therapy. i told him i felt disconnected, and he was super reassuring and proud of me, and gave a list of stuff we can do to spend more time together and said he understood. those are just words though. i just want to be left alone. i was fine on my own. i was fine alone. everything just feels like a kick in the face.
i bought some books today, and we all went out and got pumpkin drinks, bookseller and our friend. it was a fun night, we were all singing in the car, but i come home and i just feel defeated for some reason. i just was crying so much after therapy in the car trying to explain to him. but he's just. nice. i couldn't open my mouth to talk at one point, stupid fucking psycho-somatic block or whatever, like my jaw was locked shut and the words all turned into mush in my head, like i could not even think of the words i wanted to say, my brain was shutting me off. he asked if i needed to write it down, if i could type it out. he started saying we could go apple picking, listing out dates for us to do while i couldn't speak, trying to make me feel better. but it all just means nothing in the end. i feel so confused about his actions, and i'm so mad it ever happend at all. i crawl in bed and wish he would just be with me. he assured me he liked me a lot, found me attractive, all that nice stuff. but i just feel, so so so insecure and unsure. i feel so disabled and paralyzed. i feel weak and stupid. it's not fair. i was so happy last summer, becuase i didn't have any attachemnts, my emotional regulation wasn't tied to anyone. i told my therapist this, and she encouraged me to make new connections. i didn't want to but i did it anyway, so that i would not self sabatoge or whatever or let a good thing pass me by. but now i'm a complete wreck. it's like i ruined my own life and wellbeing trying to better it, and make the right choice. not like i wasn't upset and tormented when i wasn't close to anyone. not like i wasn't crying and wracked with insomnia when i was alone. but now it's all different. it's like i can feel him pulling away. it's like one big joke on me. one big kick in the teeth.

i hate it. i opened up, and this is what i get. i just want to be at peace. i know deep down i want him to love me, to care for me, like he has been, up until this month where i can just feel the pull away. it feels different. and i can't stand it. i can't bear that, that i want that. i can't stand the fact that i want someone to care for me and help me. i hate being vulnerable. i said in therapy THIS IS A WASTE OF MY TIME AND EFFORT!!!!

i will be happy to read my books. what a waste of my time. the one who cares the least always wins, and that used to be me, and i was winning. but now, i'm the loser.

8.20.24 + 12:15 AM

NOT THAT NICE, JUST NORMAL

i HATE not being able to regulate myself. it is truly ruining my life, unable to balance myself, unable to just have things be fine and normal. when my reality becomes so distorted, and i become desperate and clawing for something that just isn't real. i just need to reacclimate myself to being alive. my leon angel hears me and draws close to me today, and falling asleep praying makes me feel safer. i spent today busy with playing games, as i barely play computer games anymore. did you know lisa used to play league of legends religiously? yes. i used to wake up at 4 am to get in one or two games of league before i walked to get to the bus. but those days are long over, and most days i don't play games. but today i did, and i made myself forbidden rice/sticky rice with steamed spinach and avocado. weird bowl, but it took up my time, and i took a long time to eat. that was good.

thinking about yesterday, it's like looking at a different person. i am constantly trying to think of ways to pull myself out of hell when my terror overtakes me, and i become debilitated with physical pain and a tsunami of suicide need down my throat. it was like, my whole world was limited to very few steps, very few thoughts, like anything i tried to think of to pull myself awake would crumble away, or when a button in a game is unavailable and greyed out, you can press it but it doesn't sink or click. that's what it feels like. even on my own with no connection pains or closeness, i would have days of intense misery and hatred, of sinking physical paralysis that dragged me down into the floor, and i could not move my hands or fingers or lift my body up. psycho-somatic paralysis. i need to be more proactive, and more self regulating. i need to make myself a cushion, or an umbrella to slow my fall. i need to make a kit or something i can go into, so that i can drag myself out of my psychho-somatic corpse metamorphosis. my angels hear me, i know that, that even when they do not have to, they come close and allow me mercy. i know, i remember. i just need to use the time i have between episodes to prepare for myself. to self soothe. to incapacitate myself. i feel like a werewolf that has to chain itself up. i feel like an angel whos wings lock up and glides and falls into the earth and smears itself all over a death spiral. today, it's like there are many more paths, more options, more movement, more words i can say. like i am unstuck.

i did okay yesterday, better than most days i think. i was able to write fervently, but that was the only activity i managed. then, i became completely paralyzed, and ended up sobbing and weeping and screaming on my bed for an hour. i hate these episodes, and i want to be capable, because times like these, when my veil shifts and i am remade into something more cognizant, the world has become a completely different place. a completely new and safer place. i need to not only remember, but to plan and prepare for my next episode.

8.18.24 + 2:07 PM

SQUEELING GIRL

i can't find a foothold. i need god to hide my chest from pain, i can barely breathe when my angel muscle rivets and chugs with dread and stored lactic acid. with all the rage inside me, i can't help but soften my eyes, and leave it all alone. feeling his chest on mine doesn't mean anything, i like when he feeds me, and places his hand on my cheek, but it doesn't have any meaning. it's just something i wish, he's not there in his palm. and so it hurts me even more. what a complete waste of my time. i read my old diary entries, i used to not even think he was attractive, i remember how it felt, completely detached and beautiful, i used to be beautiful. i used to feel complete and safe, just by myself, and i used to not even want to kiss him or need him. i used to hate it, so much so i'd push his face away and he'd have to comfort me and fix me up again when i got so overwhelmed and disgusted by the closeness. i hate the connection so much. i hate the pain that comes with it. i hate that he gives me gifts. i hate the way he picks me up to carry me, or rocks me and holds me when i get scared. i want to die. i feel like a child being shaken again. terrifying and overwhelming and the whole world is blurry and rocketing around. the blood rushes to my face and my hands go numb. i wish my reiki practitioner was still here because i need her and her guidance and soft healing room. it hurts so bad i can't take it, and all i can do is pray for mercy, for help and safety. today i was given the mercy of waking up to a numb chest, the gigantic wound and scar that runs down my body like a bled out pig is numb today, and i am eternally grateful.

it is raining, and i am drinking apple cider tea. it feels a bit safer now, that i get it all out. maybe i will draw with my crayons. my therapist and i couldn't meet this week, so she gave me "supplemental material". which this week includes "trauma-related dissociation and the dissociative disorders". i feel safer, insulated within my pain. insulated within nursing myself against my own breast, biting and tearing off my own skin and muscle to feed myself. i feel safe that way, where i can't be let down, becuase i don't have the resilience to survive interpersonal connection pain. i don't know which dissociative disorder she thinks i have. the article just talks about dissociative disorders and how they affect people and stuff. i read it and it's just some overview type thing. i guess we'll talk about it next week.

i'm writing some more today, i start a lot of stories, but the real test is fleshing them out.

when i hang out with these people, sometimes i'll say something, and they'll say nothing back. there will be no response, no dialogue, i'll say something and there will be no reaction, no acknowledgement that i'm even alive. i feel so fettered and ghostly. maybe itll be best, if i slowly just disappear. because i really, do mean nothing. i'm not a real person to these people, that was something i forgot. but now i remember. i write about all this bad stuff, so i can have hope that maybe one day i'll look back and think "wow, it's all over, and things are different and better". i mean,t hings are always different they have to be. things always have to change. and ive changed too. i am again, a raging, hating, thrashing, monster. i hope one day, i'll be something softer and kept safer. but for now, i am in terrible desperate pain. but, things always change. because they have to.

8.16.24 + 2:58 PM

BIG BREATH OF CANDY

yesterday saw alien romulus with bookseller, it was really good and scary i think. i enjoyed andy the most and i didn't really care if the rest of the characters died but i wanted him to survive the most. i think it was a good movie and i liked all the effects and the kills and the body horror. i can't break out of this feeling of connection with him, so i guess im just screwed over massively until it all comes to a crescendo and i cry myself to death. he said for me to re-send him my big story, so i did, and me and the other girl who i am kind of friends with but not really i don't know her very well despite hanging out with her a lot. he said that he thinks he will know me better once he reads my writing. and he has not forgotten about it and will definitely read it. i don't really believe him, but i guess ill see.

i went on a walk today. i went to bed early last night, i'm having terrible cramps. i went to bed at around 11 which was very strange but nice at least. guess i'm more tired than i know. i want to watch some more movies today, do some writing.

8.13.24 + 10:38 PM

UNDOING

today i felt calmer. fell asleep praying. im very angry with the state of everything. i feel so worked up and ugly. at least in the mirror i look okay. i wish it all made sense. i wish the angels would hold me and reassure me. give me some kind of sign. bookseller says he's been having nightmares of losing people he cares about. well, it will be me soon if i don't fight this fight right. i don't even think he cares about me. i am experiencing the phenomenon, where you push people away, just for the hope they'll pull you back to them, and give you the reassurance you're looking for. which isn't healthy or meaningful at all, and isn't realisitc. i just can't bear the pain. i'll try and construct myself. my last breakup i was so happy, felt so free and numb. even though i was miserable, i felt, free. i felt, untethered. now. i am tethered again by the uncertainty of care.

it feels like my heart is being burnt out like a dying cigarette curling into an ashtray. like a stick in a fire, that stretches and curls with the heat, expanding and getting bigger until it falls apart into ash. im sweating so much. my angel muscle is activated again, between my sternum, and continues to pound and strain and hurt me. it is so physical, like being tortured or being beaten or being waterboarded with a hot towel. i hate it. it hurts so bad, like being punched in the gut.

i need to start working again. both on my art and at a real job, so i will have social interaction. i have realized without a job, the feeling of neglect amplifies substantially, so much so i cannot withstand it for more than one or two days without going outside, and even then i feel like my body is constantly throwing up, the stinging burning pain inside my ribs and above my stomach. i just need to be safe. i just need to feel safe. i feel so murky and hurt. i wish my angels would hold me. i will pray tonight. i will try to be better. i'm watching a lot of movies.

8.12.24 + 8:33 PM

HAPPY MUSIC WHILE I CRY

sobbing while playing happy music to try and trick myself i am feeling better. trying to pray and forget how much pain i am in. didn't sleep until 6 am from stomach and somatic pain. haven't eaten anything. haven't felt hunger, or any self preservation. i went to my cousin's house to go to a con, and it was fun and okay. i don't have much to say about anything anymore. i felt constantly molested all over my body whenever my f********m**********ly came over and i felt sick and dizzy. i got taiyaki ice cream. and it was good it was cookies and creme. i bought leon sticker and ada sticker and evanescence keychain from the artist alley. my dentist said i had no cavities.

i feel so horrible today. i just keep praying and trying to be grateful for other people happiness that i wish for. i try hard to not cry but tears do not stop even when i want them to, and there's nothing i seem to be doing right to fix it. what a useless emotion.

i walked for an hour today, maybe hour and some, i didn't count exactly. my mouth hurts from stifling crying outloud and feels sore. what is wrong with me. i stuck my feet in my cousin's pool, the air smelled like feces and urine, and i talked to my therapist on the phone and just felt so defeated. the pool was really cold. today smelled like fall. i made smores at my cousin house. the fire was nice. it felt fun to play with the charcoal and watch all the wood pulse and burn and twinkle.

gave in and finally asked bookseller to hang out with me so i will not just be alone. i hope it will soothe me. i don't know why my brain and heart just hate me. i just want to be normal and fixed. i will pray so hard. i will pray so hard. things will get better, if i just am able to not be so hopeless. then my whole outlook will change.

8.4.24 + 3:11 PM

TIME ALONG THE WALL

sad and soft day. working a lot on art project for male bookseller i meant to make for his birthday. woke up today after praying all night, just sad and alone. i don't want my stomach muscles to wake up and start hurting with my emotions. i think my brain is destroying my life. some sort of abandonment trigger has gone off or some sort of memory or intuition, or a switch has flipped in my body, and now my heart is frozen rock deep in an ice burrow down inside deep dark water. i'm not eating again. my brain really hurts and i'm not getting any enjoyment out of my favorite music, out of food or chocolate, out of ice cream. i want to burn myself with hot wax. my whole self feels so buried deep and dark.

tonight ended better, talked to my old friend for a while and i felt much better. my cosplay that male bookseller bought came in and i am really happy. i hope i can get excited to visit my aunt's house. i am just nervous. things will be okay. things will be okay. focus on what good can happen.

8.1.24 + 1:57 AM

HELLO AUGUST

well. i just don't care anymore. as soon as i appreciated my sleep. it is gone again, i keep going to sleep at 4 am and waking up at 3 pm. my room is infested with spiders and flies everywhere. i seriously need help to clean. i'm so frustrated. but that's life, ups and downs. i don't know what to do with myself. i know i need to find a new job, need to learn to drive, need to buy a car. need to pay off my student loans for my failed college attempt. i feel so dumb and stupid. but hating myself doesn't change anything. i hate this transition period. everything feels wrong and upsetting, and i don't even feel relieved not having work. i just feel, ashamed and anxious. like i have paranoia.

what even is life with being so negative all the time. all it does is frustrate others. i started this website not caring what others think, just having my diary be somewhere i can say whatever i need to and not think about other's judgement. that's the whole "philosophy" of my website, i don't follow anyone first, if anyone wants to know me it's of their own volition, so i can express myself without guilt or concern. so how come i feel so tethered to censoring myself even here, where i don't have to care. it's so frustrating. all i want to say everyday is that i wish i was never born, i hate being alive at all, i hate that i am conscious, and i already know a million infinite times that the fact i am alive is an abomination. this body is a wreck and this soul is something made of spit and ejaculate and violation and atrocity on life. but what do i even do with that information. am i just waiting on the day i have the strength to end my life? it's all just a big circlejerk. not worth thinking about because it doesn't lead to anything. like on a chessboard, there's only a set number of outcomes. a hospital stay or inpatient won't change the base hopelessness and memories i carry. i can't even afford a facility like that.

i keep having weird and incomprehensible nightmares. about dark hoarder house and dead animals everywhere, white light that barely illuminates the trash and seepig putrefaction liquids, soaking popsicle stick cutouts of jesus and the apostles in this big cooking bowl of soy sauce or caramel looking liquid and stirring it. having to print or do computer work that makes nonsense, dark houses and carpet piss stained stairs. it all doesn't mean a thing. just fear and i wake up feeling so horrible. i want to give up everyday.my computer desk is covered in spiderwebs and dead bug corpses from the spiders that eat them. and flies. and ants. what the hell do i even have in here that attracts bugs i don't have any food. i just want to lay down and give up everyday. i keep praying. i try to imagine my future, but ever since i was little, even now, when i try to think of my future, i just imagine myself alone. alone no matter what. no family, no partner, no love or hope in my life. just me alone.

i can't think of anything. when i think of the future, it's just creamy fog and blurry nothing. i don't imagine myself at a job, i don't imagine any people. just far off nothingness.