8.16.25 + 4:26 AM

LAUNDRY KITCHEN

today my br****th**r went back to his college. thank goodness. i'm so relieved. my s***st***r is still here. she tried to talk to me today about some documentary she wanted me to watch. i feel bad, because i know that she's just thinking i didn't hear everything she said about me, thinking making nice is fine, i don't know what else she could have thought, i still feel raw, and closed off. i don't want to talk to anyone in this house. should i just forgive and forget? i'm not sure what is better. is it better to just stuff it down and go along with the normalcy we're now apparently playing. i don't want to play.

the other day when i was trying to make miso soup, my f****m***ly all forced me into the living room to sit down and watch a "christmas presentation". the whole idea was that this christmas we'd all only get each other one gift, but the "one gift" can be a box with multiple gifts, or a gift basket with multiple gifts. so... what would be the point of giving each other only one gift? my s*s****ter insisted as my br****th***r screamed at my parents that each gift had to be of equal thought. bookseller joked i should get them all an equally small gift, like candy bars from the dollar store. equal thought = i didn't think about any of them at all equally. i don't even want to think about christmas. i hate christmas with them. i don't even want to recieve anything from them. i don't even want to look at them. it makes me feel like i'm being thrown up on. like im being forced to push my face into shit and eat it.

today i went to the grocery store, bookseller took me. i'm completely nocturnal at this point. i wake up at 5pm and go to bed at 5am. but i woke up at 12 to get dressed and go. i felt like my whole body was sick, and my organs were being pulled down into my feet. last time we went to the grocery store, it did not go well, i became overwhelmed and confused. but today it went well. i went home and took a nap after. i'm listening to the audiobook of, What My Bones Know by Stephanie Foo. i'm on chapter 15. i have about 69 pages left in my EMDR book. i don't know if any of this is making a difference. i just want to go back to therapy. on monday i'm going to see the Weapons movie. i saw the Shin Godzilla movie in theatres, bookseller brought me. i liked the movie a lot. unfortunately, my favorite pair of heels, i posted that i got last year, broke. a button fell off. i did my best to control my reaction. we searched under the seats, but it was gone. i felt so angry, i felt so sad. i put my hands over my face, and groaned, i tried not to cry or let the emotions fill me. i whined like a kid "those were my favorite paaaiiIIIIRRRR!" as if they had been disintegrated in front of my eyes, which was so jarring and strange sounding it jolted me out of my own upset to consider how childish and funny it sounded.

oh well. things will continue. i need to keep working out and exercising, but i'm tired. things keep going.

8.14.25 + 2:37 PM

I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE HOSPITAL

today i drove. bookseller helped me drive on the road, i drove on the main roads, made turns, though my hands sweat profusely, i prevailed. we were supposed to drive a short distance, but i pushed myself beyond. the pain of self punishment for my fear feels good, but there was no pain, just deliverance and heralding and mushing forward. and i went forward. i know i'm motivated plainly by the masochistic pain of overhearing my sibling's mocking and shaming of me. that's why i finally did it. spurred into action by the revitalizing electric stinging and iron maiden clamping around my body, the thrill of immediate danger has shocked me into action, like when you bang on a cd player or vcr to make it work right. it frankly disgusts me. it makes me ashamed of myself, but the relief of action soothes me anyways.

other updates about my life, my therapist is talking to an EMDR practitioner for me to recieve both psychotherapy from her, and then EMDR therapy from this other practitioner. she sent me home with a thick book; EMDR The Breakthrough Therapy for Overcoming Anxiety, Stress, and Trauma (Updated Edition) by Francine Shapiro and Margo Silk Forrest. So I'm trekking my way through this. I'm hoping with EMDR, I can get on with my life. though, i am thoroughly afraid i will die a second death, and i will go from frankenstein, to a real person. i do not like to not be separate. there is a safety in the isolation of feeling this way. perhaps that's why i secretly enjoy being mistreated by these people, somehow the pain of it secures my place that i am something separate, and therefore i am separate from the molestation disgust i feel radiating around them. something something reactive attachment disorder, haha. i could think endlessly about the shameful aspects, but as i always say, is that getting me anywhere? i guess i'll just have to work it out with my therapist.

i read all of The Incest Diary by Anonymous in one night. i now keep the book in my purse. something is just wrong with me. i got a new mug. it has a cat on it, in a ghost costume. it's big. i like it. today i made the bookseller and i pancakes and eggs. the pancakes i put in oreos and this oat/amaranth/chia seed mix thing. i need to get back to working out. i hope i can just continue driving. continue to act. inaction is what is holding me back, paralysis. it's so wrong, the pain has brought me temporarily back to life, like lightning bolts to my frankenstein body. just keep moving.

8.13.25 + 1:18 AM

DIARY OF A SAD TIGER

i am so stuck and stupid. the convention was fun. i met leon kennedy's voice actor. the trip to my cousin's was okay. my two siblings stood outside my curtain and talked about how much they hated me and how i'm demented, entitled, performative, selfish, and scary. they mocked the fact that my m******m said to them that "something must have happened to her that we don't know about", they laughed about it, they laughed about it, they thought that was funny. they said that even with my new therapist i'm never going to change or get better. they said i choose to exclude myself. they said this all right in front of my curtain (i don't have a door).

i want to hurt myself. i just feel so disgusting. more revolted and invaded and molested than ever. i know i shouldn't be negative but i want to die, and disappear. i know saying all this bullshit doesn't mean anything, even if i could make myself think that hurting myself would make me feel better, doing it wouldn't make anything happen. i just need to express it somewhere. i'm so defeated.

the thing is, even when i'd work extra and double shifts everyday being at work form 9-9, they still said cruel things about me. they still said i was worthless. they said all i did was work and sleep, and how worthless and horrible i am. i know i'm not a human. i feel like a monster. i'm an animal that should be put into a cage and left on the highway.

i know i'm failing. even when i work, it's not enough. even when i worked from 5am-3pm every day it wasn't enough, my d********d still said all i did was work and sleep and how he just hates me and how worthless and useless i am, and how he hates me, hates me, hates me. i just feel defeated. i just feel defeated. i just feel defeated.

this was spurred on because my s***ster came with me to my cousin's house, (which they do not want her there and do not like her). my cousins would say to me how they just wanted me there only. i did my best to be good and behave well and include her. we were sitting at the fire, and my sister was talking about college, and how her friend is stupid for doing the laundry of two grown men (other random students at the college). i said that's the worst. she said i shouldn't call her friend the worst. i said her friend is intellectually lesser (on a feminism scale). she said her friend probably doesn't want to unpack that, and the men are greek orthodox. i said fine, it's the men's fault for making her think it's okay to continue babying them and treating this random woman like their mother. she said they probably don't want to deconstruct that. i said okay well i still think that her friend is stupid like she said. she said she believes i'm intellectually lesser for how i behave and who i am. i said i know she thinks that. she said good well don't project my frustation about being intellectually lesser onto her friend. i then stayed silent for the rest of the fire.

she then came home and apparently cried and sobbed and wailed on the couch for hours, in her room for hours, and in the living room for hours (according to my d*****d) and then cried and sobbed and wailed about it to my m****m and br******th******r separately as well. my d*d says i need to apologize to her

my cousin was there when this happened, i explained to her the situation, and she was very angry for me. all my cousins were defending me, and assuring me. it makes me feel less crazy. i'm worried i really am a monster. i feel so degraded. i feel like i'm opened up and my body is torn in two in front of everyone. i don't know what to do. there's no point in self deprecating. but i don't feel very positive right now. i feel like i'm sick. i feel like i'm exposed and naked. i'm trying to be objective. am i really a monster... they called me a cockroach. i feel like one. i feel like one inside a dead girl's body. i feel nasty and disgusting. when i look in the mirror, i feel shame and i feel like i want to rip my skin off, or burn myself. when i was little, and even up until now, when i would feel the disgust and molestation feeling, i would imagine the pain of burning my body to ash, and it would comfort me, to be purified to ashes. i'm so upset. i just don't know what to do. nothing i do makes them feel neutrally for me. i don't even bad mouth them to each other, i don't say anything bad, or complain when they say cruel things to me. but apparently my siblings have been bad mouthing me all the time to my m*****th******r from what i overheard.

it's really bizarre they said i choose to exclude myself.... when i was 14, i wasn't allowed to eat with them, to be in the same room as them, i wasn't allowed to speak with them unless spoken to. i wasn't allowed to be upstairs when they were upstairs. i spent a lot of time away from home, it was hard to eat. i wasn't eating at school either because i was in so much pain all the time, i couldn't breathe, sweat would pool down my armpits and torso, my chest and sternum and diaphram felt as though they were being crushed over and over in an iron maiden. i was down to 80 lbs. this went on until i was maybe 19. i wake up and they're gone all the time all together. my cousins see it, clear as day, they assure me, they see it all too. it makes me feel like i'm not crazy at least. i feel like i'm just full of shame. i feel like i'm evil. i just feel defeated and sick. i want to be pure. i'm so tired. things will get better, but i have to act. i have to do something. i have to act. i have to act. i have to act.