8.30.26 + 6:42 PM G

SENSITIVITY

next week i work 6 days in a row. i think this was a mistake by my manager since i took this saturday off instead. whatever. oscillating between a lot of different states. the room is so cold i'm starting to feel the recognition perception of fall wash over me, it's absolutely bizarre. tomorrow i see my therapist and i'm looking forward to it. with the autumn recognition perception from the cold, i feel much more hopeful or in control. i feel like i'm navigating something not gross or dangerous. it's difficult when the places i frequent suddenly become disgusting, dangerous, like a cocoon melting me into biological molestation goop. i don't know how much to explain it. i'm working on flashcards for my parts to make it easier to figure out what's going on. i am nervous for the new intake process at work. yesterday i went out and shopped and bought too many new clothes. i had revolving sushi which i had never been to before, and i ate way too much... it was so good. feeling somewhat okay, melancholy, but separated within myself with the purity i find in the little hiding places of other pieces of myself. i need to draw a diagram to properly communicate it. it's very physical feeling.

8.26.26 + 9:08 PM G

FALLING TRANCE

i'm getting my ass kicked relentlessly. complete trauma storm misery. I'm having episodes of complete death, i urge surf all i can to keep myself from hurting myself. the feeling of needing to fight, and how hijacked i get is destroying me. It's so difficult when i feel that way to cling to the present, when i get hijacked it's like i'm being submerged and drowned inside this tumultuous dark black water, foaming and throwing itself down my throat and my senses. i throw myself into work and trying not to focus. the pain i was in the other day was horrible. on friday night last week i was in horrible horrible pain, even though i did not exercise or exert myself, my legs and diaphragm hurt so much i was in hysterics. the entire day at work i could barely walk, i was struggling to hold myself up in my chair, i literally was in so much pain i couldn't think. all psychosomatic i'm sure, just more bullshit. i'm only angry because it feels rididculous to be weighed down by this. part of me just wants to be better already and to "stop being dramatic". i put Kinesthesiology tape on my legs with magnesium and menthol and it started helping after a few hours. had to drive with bookseller to pick up our friend who was in NYC. the carride was horrible waiting for the KT tape to help. i was in agony. the day after my emdr check in was literally so horrible. i was in hysterics the whole night. i cried myself until i couldn't move from psychomotor retardation, i was paralyzed. it's so difficult to function these days outside of work, work is when i feel the most normal, but even the pain and distress bleeds into my shift. i just try to work as much as possible so i don't have to think. i don't want to ruin my employment, or my relationship with my therapists. urge surfing hurts because when i want to hurt myself, i get so angry i can't express myself, i get so worked up in a feedback loop of urge -> surfing -> shame -> bigger urge -> more effort to surf -> bigger shame -> extreme urge -> jealousy/anger/rage -> exertion to urge surf -> biggest shame/selfblame -> collapse. part hijacking and possession is so intense. did the EMDR intensive help me? i'm not sure. i'm not sure i should continue even though i want to so badly, i just want to do the right thing. i feel these harsh blows from some of my parts when i don't "do the right thing" and i'm "not helping myself and just making things worse." because i know better i should do better. it just sucks. at work i feel normal-ish. outside of work i feel like i have no direction, just treading water.

i have a consultation for regular EMDR sessions soon, not an intensive. my therapist says this only processed a sliver of what i need help with. that made me feel deflated a little, but also validated that it wasn't all just fixed immediately. i can't tell if it's working. just have to hope for the best i guess.
i just want to be able to write and paint again too. i don't feel like myself. i guess i'm someone else right now.

8.17.26 + 10:33 PM G

INJURY ILLNESS

i have been basically super depressed since the intensive ended. i've barely been able to write and/or do any art, i've just dived into work and haven't wanted to focus on anything else. i've been in the center of a barrage of symptoms. nighttime dissociative sedation, severe terror attacks where i can't get in bed, i just cry and scream and i can't settle. pain all over my body. i feel like im sedated a lot of the time with bizarre somatic influence on my body and mind. often i feel like i'm floating or that i'm falling into a trance. i am also currently sick. which doesn't help. last night i felt a bizarre recognition perception, and was suddenly filled with confidence and satiety, a strange euphoria that washed along my body. i often react to information that isn't exactly there. i have cried a lot of nights the last month feeling i'm crazy. i need to finish the last day of my intensive page, but i was so overcome with terror over the intensive being over that rest of the day i cried for i think 6 hours non stop, even when eating teras fell all over my plate, i couldn't go to the bathroom without crying, it was horrible. this thursday i have my zoom call with the practitioner to see how i'm doing. i don't know what to tell her. i am easily brought to tears these days.

only thing of significance is that i finished an entire cosplay in 2 days. and i'm working. i don't have much to say, i've mostly slammed myself into working as much as possible as soon as possible, no doubt some way to punish myself and keep myself from focusing on what's going on behind work. even now, i feel like i have such a massive sedative rushing inside my body, that my brain is like a lava lamp and the sedation rises to the top and pops and spreads all over me.
my regular therapist reccomended me get a consulation to see if i can see a regular EMDR therapist in the interim of the intensives. going to maybe try that. i have been reading a lot about structural dissociation. life is just hard and difficult right now.