8.17.26 + 10:33 PM G

INJURY ILLNESS

i have been basically super depressed since the intensive ended. i've barely been able to write and/or do any art, i've just dived into work and haven't wanted to focus on anything else. i've been in the center of a barrage of symptoms. nighttime dissociative sedation, severe terror attacks where i can't get in bed, i just cry and scream and i can't settle. pain all over my body. i feel like im sedated a lot of the time with bizarre somatic influence on my body and mind. often i feel like i'm floating or that i'm falling into a trance. i am also currently sick. which doesn't help. last night i felt a bizarre recognition perception, and was suddenly filled with confidence and satiety, a strange euphoria that washed along my body. i often react to information that isn't exactly there. i have cried a lot of nights the last month feeling i'm crazy. i need to finish the last day of my intensive page, but i was so overcome with terror over the intensive being over that rest of the day i cried for i think 6 hours non stop, even when eating teras fell all over my plate, i couldn't go to the bathroom without crying, it was horrible. this thursday i have my zoom call with the practitioner to see how i'm doing. i don't know what to tell her. i am easily brought to tears these days.

only thing of significance is that i finished an entire cosplay in 2 days. and i'm working. i don't have much to say, i've mostly slammed myself into working as much as possible as soon as possible, no doubt some way to punish myself and keep myself from focusing on what's going on behind work. even now, i feel like i have such a massive sedative rushing inside my body, that my brain is like a lava lamp and the sedation rises to the top and pops and spreads all over me.
my regular therapist reccomended me get a consulation to see if i can see a regular EMDR therapist in the interim of the intensives. going to maybe try that. i have been reading a lot about structural dissociation. life is just hard and difficult right now.