12.30.22 + 12:06

WRITING

i have decided to enter a poetry contest. i have entered this contest before (last year's submissions actually) but did not place. its a big prize and the prize would really help me. i want to win. the theme is pain and suffering. i want to win so badly. but i know things go how they go. my torture may be too extreme for what they are looking for. because what they really want is a sanitized wound. one glossy with embalming fluid. i am more of a.. puss filled bloated fly faced corpse. of death and doom!!!! lol. i am just too much for people. i had a great day in therapy. we talked about me moving out and me getting a car and trying to stand on my own two feet. i have cried so much over the past few days. i am going to try.

12.27.22 + 7:03

SICK DAY

i have been very sick as of recent. it has been around 10 days since i got sick. i am somewhat miserable. my room has become somehow even worse than usual. i feel helpless. for now i have been recovering somewhat. it is just difficult when everything is so cluttered and sickly. i don't really feel as if im thinking at all. i hope i can feel better soon. sorry, i just am not thinking at all really. i do not really feel inside myself. i do not really feel in anything, or. i am not thinking at all. i have just been watching lots of videos, so my brain has just been shut off, which is nice when you are in pain from being sick, but not so nice when you want to do other things, like cleaning, or writing. it hurts. my brain feels smooth and chugging along like the vibrations on a train track. and when i try to push myself out of the sluggish tracks, i feel disgusting, i feel nasty. it feels sour and sore and burning and stinging. i hope to feel better soon. i hope to feel good soon. i wish for lots of things. i have cried a lot recently. i hope things will get better.

12.15.22 + 7:48

BAKING SODA

The bath was a good idea! i enjoyed it very much and feel so much cleaner and beautiful. strangely, i slept for around 15 hours last night, and woke up at 3 pm. my running has become more frequent and intense. i think my need to be seen has only increased, my need for intense and sudden understanding of me, and my unreachability from others. i feel incapable of ebing here. i feel soemwhat lost. well, maybe somewhat is an understatement. but i wish i knew my direction, or where i was to go. as of now, i just feel mauled. picking up scraps of comfort or normality.
i think i may be getting sick as well. i have done no shopping for gifts for the holiday season. i just don't want to spend my money out of fear. i just feel like im disappearing. stuck somewhere in the background, in the past of myself, and this version of me here today in the current is an illusion. while i am truly back there, behind myself.
tomorrow i go back to work. i don't really think anything of it. i don't think i know what else im supposed to do ever. i feel lost completely. today i didn't do much of anything. i made myself a meal. i watched my little pony, and i cleaned somewhat. maybe ill do more housework to feel some kind of purpose in myself. to feel like i can interact with objects. i'll try hard to correct myself.

12.14.22 + 6.57

PURE FEELING

hello diary! today i got something new!! i got an AIR PURIFIER!! i am really really really happy about it! i already set it up and its on high fan!! im hoping this will help with my chronic rhinitis, and give me some relief ^^. today i vaccuumed and used like, this cloth swiffer type thing with a spray you can spray and then wipe up with the thingy. i cleaned a bunch of the floors and stairs! i have been having bad stomach issues though, i think its because i have been eating so much sugar. i have been nervous and stressed so i have been eating only sugary and sweetie things to make myself feel better (but of course it doesn't) ugh!
i have 3 days off in a row this week, and though i won't make as much money, i am so relieved to have some days off. once my stomach settles i will be taking a nice purifying bath to draw out all the evil and molesting out of me. and i will be so pretty again! i know it.
today felt sick and ugly, but towards the end of the day i felt better. i stayed up way too late last night, as i had a strange sleeping occurrence... i went to bed around midnight the other night, but woke up at 8 am yesterday. i never wake up that early. but even waking up so early, last night i didn't sleep until 4 am. i am hoping to get some cleaning done in my room too, but it is hard to do certain things because of my ++pureclean feeling and --molestednegative feeling. and it makes me anxious to clean, which is why im so proud of it today. i am not a disgusting person, my mind just wants me to bury myself in stuff until i am safe and hidden away i think.
today i had to do a therapy session on the phone.. i was unsatisfied. the last phone session i had was good but i think my therapist was distracted today. it made me feel stupid. i feel like i never make progress sometimes because im so busy needing to relive my worst moments in order to get the validation, the need to be seen and cared for and loved. its hard for me to move past things.
i think ill make matcha latte tonight, or rather maybe something decaf. i do have pickled sakura blossoms so maybe ill use those to make some tea. i hope i feel good tonight, i want to have a special dream, something sweet and comforting and transformative.

12.13.22 + 1.56

CALL OUT

what a terrible couple of days. im such a severely malformed person. i got yelled at at work by someone who isn't even on my team infront of a bunch of customers and i began to cry and couldn't calm down for a while. it was so shameful. so humiliating. i don't mean to cry. it's just how my body is. she apologized. i don't think i care. not about the apology, but about any of it. the fact that i cry so much just makes me shrivel up inside myself. nothing else matters. i am so humiliated. this morning i awoke from my strange dream, and i ran for around an hour and a half in my kitchen, just in a circle over and over again. and now my feet hurt so bad because they're forming calluses. my bangs are growing in and i want to cut my face off. i wish i knew what i looked like. i want to buy a film or an early digital camera because they have limited reality distortion and have ++_positive dream distortion. i just wanna be beautiful. i feel so useless in the world.
it recently snowed soooooo much! like a ton. trying to drive home was intensely scary. sooo slow and sooo snowy. i really love to look at all the houses and trees covered in snow. i tried to imagine what it was like for humans a long time ago to see all the beautiful snow. and then i thought about environmental psychic damage. like if everything around you is not looking good or make you happy that you become distressed having to be in the environment. like in cities or ugly architecture. i wonder if in human brains you can see green grass and trees and it makes you go !!! or if you see beautiful snow or flowers you think !!!. also i learned recently that human babies being born so early in development meant so much more potential for learned behavior rather than instincts.. which means for more complex thought. i mean we still have instincts like fight or flight. but its like. it makes me think... how strange.
also today i have a question if you read this. do you understand the fear in the sentence, such as like seeing a "internet theory" about media and such. like.. ___ is going insane. i think it is like, the fact it is in the present tense, and suggests something so malicious creeping in something you'd think is normal i think. and i mean this in like an internet creepy story. or like. i think it gives off the same --_negative emotional suggestion as like "tomino's hell" or other strange words or phrases. if you like, feel free to send me some of the phrases or words you think are really scary strangely. and i don't mean like 2 sentence horror though maybe some of those are good too. i will have to research and record my emotional and physical reactions to different phrases and words when i read or hear them.

12.07.22 + 5.00

CRAWL BACK

oh god its fucking ugly. i mean. come on. they'd give anything for the chance to strangle me. to watch me thrash and vomit and cry for them, for their love. but in reality. i don't struggle, i don't move any part of me for them. i move it for the machine, the complexity of the world i move for, the civility in not disrupting. i am senseless, obedient, vacant, yet emotionally synced to whoever i reflect upon. perhaps thats why my staining is so magnetic. why i can't be left alone for too long. why perhaps its unbearable to be close to me, senselessly loud and impossibly intimate.
today i went to therapy, and i wasn't myself. i was angry and my therapist told me i had to be quiet as not to make the other guests worried or uncomfortable, i can't control my tone or volume. its why i have to immediately write and reflect upon my emotions as i feel them, as today when retelling, i simply was bitter, cold, and horribly disattached. she said that this week was just a bombardment of horrible treatment towards me. and i just felt cold. towards any idea of it. i felt like it didn't matter, no matter what i do , nomatter how good i am, how little i react, how much i react, it never makes a dent. people treating me cruelly seems to be their own perogative, the fact that they look towards me and see something mind alteringly nightmarish means that their treatment of me is a reflection of them. all i can do is nothing. not speak, not eat, not cry out, not scream, not struggle. there is nothing for me to do but to decay and die.

12.03.22 + 5.52

WINTERMELON

I fucking hate being alive. i hate it. i hate it i hate being alive i hate it i hate it. everything was putting me in extreme pain today, it felt like someone was breaking off my ribs, and punching me in the diaphram until i couldn't breathe. if you hate me so much why don't you just kill me. if you hate me so much just fucking shoot me in the face and watch my skull flower into something more presentable and less ugly than what i have to live in. i hate being used. i hate that people see me as a little doll. they don't see me as a person at all. i walk on eggshells around everyone and am placid and nonconfrontational and try to hide my grievances and hide my true feelings to be civil and kind as an extention of shame and apology for my existence. they have no idea the amount of self restraint, the amount of pain i work through just to keep my job and try and be a part of the world. and it doesn't fucking matter does it because i still get wrung out. and yet you want me to grovel, you want me to be an endless vessicle, an endless dumping ground for your ugliness and your issues. and what does that make me in your perception, just fucking nothing. im not a real person to anyone. they don't see me as anything but a hole to pump their endless shit into. all i want today is to hurt myself so bad.
why can't you just be kind to me. why can't you see me as someone so profoundly real. why can't you recognize me. what do you even see when you look at me. or is my face just a blur, my body just a disfigured insect corpse. its not fair. i can't feel the warmth in others, but i still recognize them, i still treat them as important, i do just about anything anyone asks of me. what is it gonna take for me to metamorphosize. i want to be beautiful. i want to be so real. i want to be a ghost. this isn't even me disappearing, because they see me as a hole instead of a dead thing.
i got wintermelon tea today with brown sugar tapioca. i was so close to crying waiting for it. i didn't want to cry in public. being me is so embarrassing. i wish you could feel, i wish you could understand. i wish the pain would befall you like a star, i wish i had an angel. i wish i was not fallen. i will be beautiful soon. i will be real soon.

12.02.22 + 4.43

ALLERGIC

welcome december. i had a horrible day at work, as i was overcome with terrible allergies and could not stop sneezing. it was miserable. when i got back to the house, i exploded with rage and screamed and cried furiously. i felt bad, but only because i thought i had things under control. i was maddened with suffering. i feel melancholy. i took benadryl and went back to sleep after i had woken up at around 7. which was surprising i thought i would have slept more. but i instead woke up so early. i think it was the light coming into my room that woke me. i had a strange dream as well. i made myself some vitality peach steamed buns, theyre filled with mung bean and so delicious. i only have 2 left because i ate so many already!. so good.
i feel like i have no effect on my surroundings, on people, on their lives. its like nothing i say is processed, perspectived, anything. its like im all dust to dust. i can't move my body i can't move my brain, i can't move my mouth outside of my own head. i hate interpersonal interlinking but its like everyone has this ability i'll never possess. i can't make a difference no matter what. i can't make anyone cry. and when suddenly i have an effect its such a strong push into the world it, like water in a tub, moves back atop me and awashes me with shame. like i shouldn't have ever tried to be a person. its like people see me as a prop. im always so inanimate being perceieved. am i unable to be taken seriously? do i not exist to you? am i like a hologram? i can't stimulate the world against my fingers. i can't hold another person and have it really be there. in my brain im so profoundly consequential i can't even look in your direction without you being moved to suicide. make up my mind! do i want to interlink, do i want to be nothing at all? its like im on pounding on the screen, being suffocated in a plastic bag, cellophane wrapped, and everyone is watching me seize and cry out in agony. but they can't see me as alive, they can't see me as one of them, they can't see me as real. or is it that they've learned i'm so intense and full of heat and i stick and cling to anything i can get my hands on to stay away. like ill suck them in and fill their body with thick clotting. am i a spider to them? or too stupid to be real? ill never understand how to be a person. and i can't find the heat within them. they're all just propped up bugs in a display. i'm too ugly to feel the things they do.
i wish you could see what i was feeling, then you'd really understand.