12.28.23 + 9:56 PM

FOG

smoked in the thick fog where the streetlamps look really cool.
had to do another phone appointment. i hate it. makes me so angry. i was so hopeful, she didn't text me until an hour before i had to go in that it would be phone, so i woke up thinking it would be in person. my manager texted me again to have me do an extended shift, but i can't tomorrow. even though i'd do it if i had the option, i have to take a car trip to get lunch with my f*m*ly. or whatever. then i go to work right after.
it's strange, back when i was younger, (before i was 19), new years i'd have kind of a ritual. i'd watch a bunch of neon genesis content and analysis, even though i've never watched it, and watch the important videos playlist, specifically of that terrible new years broadcast disaster. and on new years there's the twilight zone marathon, so i just watch that. even thinking about these memories make me feel sick, the little blurbs of them taking up all of my vision and senses, and i want to curl up and scrape out my stomach.

thinking about when i got put up in my cousin's house for a month, how much it snowed heavily. i remember. the worn down porch and the rotting plastic, and watching the hail come down. or the darkness of midnight blue, and the holiday lights. staying up on the couch. or in the porch room when it was getting redone. i remember a lot, and nothing at all.

been catching and killing flies with my hands at work. i like seeing their little bodies slam and pill, then explode, all over my fingertips. sometimes they smear red on my fingers, sometimes nothing at all, or dark like sticking your finger in an ashtray.
i have five days off in a row in january, the week of the 8th. and a man from work wants to take me to a restaurant. he has not said anything about it being a date or romantic, so im not going as that. the woman he really wanted is my smoking coworker, who he immediately asked out when she got hired. she had confided in me that she wasn't in the least bit interested, and made it clear they could go out as friends for one outing to him, but he had to ask me to get it clarified she wasn't interested. i don't think he's particularly attractive, or interests me at all. he is moving away in a few months anyways. he seems impressed with my "knowledge" and "creativity". i like getting to talk about my interests at least, whether he actually cares or not; it doesn't matter, because i at least get to have another outlet to bounce off my thoughts about things. his conversation doesn't stimulate me. he mostly just says he likes to hear my film and game analysis, which are pretty much just surface level things anyone could notice. he seems considerate, or interested in my behaviors, though i just kind of have said the flat thing of "oh i have RAD and other stuff, so i am not good at interacting with others and i try not to let it impact work." he even asked me what i would prefer him to do for me if i have a small episode at work, like if i cannot speak, or something similar. i don't think i want to get involved with a man at all, but i'll go out as "friends", him doing me a kindness by taking me for dinner. it doesn't make me feel much. it doesn't make me feel much of anything at all. i don't even really know how i feel. i just don't care. maybe in the new year i'll feel more inspired. but right now, everything is all just snow in my brain, and i am cold in a very dead and motionless way.

i took a bath in cool water tonight. i have mostly just been watching my little pony when i am not at work, and my writing or painting comes in short bursts.
i had a disgusting dream though, and it involved a strange plastic dog. i don't remember a lot.
the feeling of disconnect and confusion just hurts right now. and i am unsure of what any part of me is, or if i am still even alive in my body in a way that matters.

12.24.23 + 10:11 PM

MINE

they all ate christmas dinner without me while i was at work. f*m*ly had eaten with their family friends, no food left, both my siblings got to eat. i am so hungry. did not eat at work. wrapped everyone's stupid fucking gifts up. don't care. it is hearthswarming eve, and i will celebrate that instead. i want to cry. i am really hungry. christmas eve shift went okay, busy in the beginning, but died out.
coworker made an aerocano - aerated americano. like a manually made nitro. filtered water, ice, two shots, aerate it. it looks beautiful, like a beer, little shockwaves in the crema flowing down. i made mine successfully, was so happy. it tasted awesome. so smooth, i can't believe its so cool. we are putting it on the january board, which i am making lunar new year themed i think. holiday hire no call no showed today. and more extended shifts.
my manager got me two beat up old ornaments she told me she found at the bottom of her closet, and a USED soap scrub. yay. my other coworkers got new items of course. i don't care, i just rather she'd get me no present instead, and not insult me.
a male coworker on the bookside got me the gameinformer resident evil 4 magazine, so that made me happy, seeing leon, and it made me feel good to receive that at least.
i will be grateful, and hopeful, and pray, and hope that the angels all hold me so much, and give me tight hugs. i will be a good puppy, full of warmth, and i will not be bad. pray for strength and willpower, and for resistance to pain, for resilience, pray for love to enter my life. pray for good for all, pray for hope, pray for peace, pray for hurt to mend, pray for bright angel signs and lights, i am a baby, and the angel waves her hands at me, and coos. and i am still faced and dead, and she still cradles me to her breast and kisses my forehead.
that is hope, because despite my disattachment and terror, she still holds me.

12.18.23 + 6:03 PM

AH, RAIN

have not slept since 11 am yesterday. my insomnia is bad. i went to work and did my shift, stayed extra to help prep. in the cafe dining area, the space where the ceiling meets the windows gushed rainwater and flooded the dining place while it rained. so not good. but i did my work, as tired as i was. put away the 30 jugs of milk we got in. we also got two new teas, one of them is vanilla and strawberry black tea. its really pretty. and then a lavender and vanilla earl grey tea. it was mostly cleaning and organizing. i think it was good to take my coworker's shift. but now i just want to go to therapy already, i cannot wait until thursday, i am exhuasted.

our ice machine still hasn't been maitenanced, so my coworker had to go out in the rain to get big bags of ice to fill our bin with. the rain was nice, and then there was a rainbow. but i didn't feel any angels around it. the sky was very pretty. my body is tired. i cannot wait to curl up, into a little pill bug in my bed.

12.17.23 + 10:05 PM

I LIT HER CIGARETTE

smoking coworker and i got to go out tonight. drove to tacobell and smoked american spirits i had to re-light mine because the rain put it out while i stuck my hand out the window. listened to rammstein and talked. she is so beautiful and pretty. seriously, she is such a gorgeous woman. her face is so pretty. i got three beef chalupa supremes and a cinnabon ice coffee cause i hadn't eaten anything all day.

i always feel like a child next to others. i was off my game. i had a bad morning, so i kept fucking slipping up and getting people mad at me when i had been meaning to show them my allegiance. real or not. i tried to tell my coworker about how our manager had bad mouthed them to me, or was like, my manager basically said that my coworker had weeks where they were good, and weeks where they were bad. well, i said the wrong thing because it ended up with my coworker berating me for not defending them more in front of my manager, and giving my manager ammo and validation that what she said was correct. well, i had just been trying to placate my manager and i was defending my coworker as best i can without, i don't really know what to say in those situations. i am so not assertive and very submissive and passive because i get scared. i panicked and got so belly up and embarrassed. i was smiling so nervously and big. how fucking humiliating.

what happened before work is that now that i am awake more during the day, i am in much worse state i think because i have to be awake when my f*m*ly is up. my m*m was singing and talking to herself very loudly over and over again for so much that i began to sob and weep and hyperventilate without my control or want. i was full of rage and sickness. just hearing them is enough to ellicit that big of a reaction of absolute sickness and anger inside of me. at least..
i am a very pathetic person. and i realize that. i know that my living is very disgusting and shameful, and very shallow and ugly, but it still sometimes hurts me that i am not as whole as others. that i am very much made of ashes and slick rotting pieces, and not really a weighted person. but with others it is painfully felt inside me that i am empty and everything rotted out. so light with rot, so heavy with shame.

i took my coworker's 9-5 tomorrow when i originally had the day off. i think that was a mistake but i did it anyway to be nice. i just need to regulate and soothe and sedate myself enough before tomorrow and i will not have more slip ups with coworkers.

12.16.23 + 11:42 PM

SPILLING

i am very tired. i took a bath. i feel very incognizant. today i was in the bathroom, and there was a mother changing her baby. it cried and cried, until the crying quieted into soft coos and small sounds as it nursed. and i just thought of what a wonderful and terrible sound it was, of comfort, and it made me both very uncomfortable and very stirred. it just sounded so safe, and the mother was very gentle, and i sat in the stall for a long time thinking. not about if i'd want a baby, though i thought of it, as, god i hope i am never felled into having a child and damning it to suffering. but i thought of how internal that sound, even the crying, made me just feel so melancholy and longing. i do not know. i heard it suckle and coo, and felt the whole world dissolve and fall away. i think i wished i was the baby.

another strange thing happened this week. my previous coworker who left and became a manager at another store texted me randomly to say that he was proud of me. instantly i just rolled my eyes, and got angry but i just said politely that he has nothing to be proud of me for and that i am just doing my own thing. he said:
"just you being you. you are amazing and im so proud of you. just your ability to try and have a positive mindset, always putting in the work even when the odds aren't in your favor i admire that about you."
what a bunch of fucking bullshit.
i either thought he was going to commit suicide, or was drunk. i just fucking made some shit up about being proud of him too for being in college and getting promotions and shit and whatever. god when have i ever had a fucking positive mindset? my therapist says he is just going off of how i present myself. this fucking idiot doesn't know the first thing about me or who i am. he does not know any of my true thoughts or feelings, because i only worked with him for a year. sure i shared "personal" things, but they are just drops of water in a huge bucket, and they're just nothings. things i don't care about people knowing about me. so when he fucking says he is "proud of me" and observes nonexistant traits i just use to puppy belly up and get along and keep my job it makes me want to fucking spear myself through my anus up to my throat. how fucking disgusting. it absolutely sent me into revulsion and anger. i was so angry. i can't even appreciate people being nice to me because they are being nice to nothing. that part of me isn't real. and pretending like they know me makes them seem so fucking entitled and it is infuriating. i am not interested in being "authentic" to any of these people.

i have learned there is no point in expressing pain or suffering or trueness to others. i have learned it does nothing, and gains you nothing. this is the only place i can actually store my thoughts and feelings in a real way. who reads this knows 100x more about me than the coworkers i see everyday. my therapist says i should try to foster a friendship with my smoking coworker further. but i only feel resentment. fucking RAD. fucking brain. i am so angry. obviously writing this, i am not myself. my voice is so different. how long have i been disconnected for? i used to be so connected. now it is like everything is broken, and not in a meaningful way. in a sick and dead way. it feels so violating.
went to the mall and spent so much money, too much, but i was angry and bored. i did extra shift today since a holiday hire no called no showed for the third time. at the checkout in one of the stores, the cashier's boyfriend came up right next to me, an inch away and began to scream and berate her. her manager ushered her to the back and he tried to jump the gate to get at her and security had to escort him out. it was very scary, he was right next to me. though, it all felt like nothing was happening at the same time. i told her to stay safe. how fucking helpful. i wish i would have just beat him to death my purse instead. what a worthless fucking life. mine and his. i should have bit onto his throat and died right there in a death grip so that poor girl wouldn't have had to go through that. i hope she is safe. i can't even say i will pray. i don't know if it is RAD or my own selfishness but i am so cocooned up. when i am not in hell i will remember to pray for her. i am working so much for holidays, and even though people's hours are cut i am getting extended shifts because the holiday hires keep calling out. whatever.

my other coworker broke up with her partner tonight. they have been together for a long while i think. they treated her like trash, and were very invalidating and downright fetishing and sexually exploitative from what she told me. i hope i gave her enough support.

can't pray, can't eat, can't feel the angels, can't feel my own body or brain or mind. i am literally a new person in this moment because i am so far away from everything. i don't feel like me. i feel fucking dead and numb and fucked out. i wish i would come undone. these last few, everything, has been very painful. but at least i knew somewhat of what i was. and felt. something. i am perhaps, unworthy, and unloved by the angels. i always think i can rely on hurting myself for self sacrament, as an offering for help to them as a last resort. i don't know what to do. i won't do that. i can't write. i can't do a damned thing. is it work? i am working a lot.. perhaps. maybe when holiday is over i will recover.

i think hearing that baby and its mother hurt me very much inside. and not in a lash out way. in a numb fucked out sore kind of way. thinking about it feels like thinking about nothing. no associations to make. just the sound of the baby cooing and crying and wailing. and i listened to it and heard it feed. even now i am beginning to cry and i don't know why.

12.14.23 + 5:45 PM

ULTRANUMB

i feel. very. mixed up and stuffed. made udon today, now im out of instant udon again. at least i am able to sleep more regularly, no recent 5 am bedtimes, instead i get to sleep at 2 or 3 am, and get to wake up at noon. which is not so bad in comparison. today i think about jesus a little but not very much, just thinking about one thing i saw that made me think of him as a young child, and i thought, oh, poor baby. i don't think of anything very much anymore. washed out and dead. i literally just lay on the couch and do nothing when im not at work. i cannot pick up anything. i do not play. i do not write. i just lay there and watch the sun outside, and drink my tea, and try not to think of how my body is withering, and how degraded i am.
therapist had me do another phone call, so it was just me screaming on the phone and feeling so detached i just kept yelling "i don't know" over and over again because i can't spit anything out, and everything swirls in my head and gets flushed into just piss. worthless. maybe next week.
thinking everyday how i have so many things to do and i don't do anything besides go to work. it hasn't snowed here at all, just torrential rain. when january comes, what will i do? i am just praying to the angels i do not get sick or ill, i will be so angry. i cannot afford it. but maybe a fever would be good for me, to break my brain. but i don't want to get sick. i need to work.
neglecting everything, wishing it would all wither and die, and i'd become fog in a cemetery.

12.12.23 + 12:16 AM

PLAYHOUSE

bathed today. rubbed myself with the washcloth. used the pressure on the showerhead. i feel numb and fucked out. worked all week and don't feel like anything. im so totally lost. i think my brain has turned to nothing. made myself hazelnut hot chocolate with the expired syrup i took home from work. slept at 11 last night, but woke up at 5 am, and then went back to sleep until 1 pm. my dream, felt really connected, felt safe, felt familiar and i was, there. i think it makes a big difference, when i am asleep in the hours of the night. is there an angel who is taking care of me in that time? am i just unable to connect when i sleep other times? maybe. i feel. weak.

12.6.23 + 11:52 PM

AL

guhhhhhh. wish i could shut up and take it. i need to stop talking so much. and i am not cool or funny or enjoyable. at least at work. i feel so so so so stupid. i have tomorrow off, and my therapist is sick so i have to do ANOTHER phone call. make me so ANGRY. it is not fair... but i guess i will just take it. hate hate hate. feeling really lost and stupid. need to get something creative or productive done. really high disconnect funnel. oh well.

12.5.23 + 12:48 AM

EDITING

i did absolutely nothing today. i woke up and told myself i was going to shower and did not. i feel so terrible. i woke up at 3 pm, because i cannot stop staying up until 5 or 6 am. i just have so much restlessness, but when is this not the case. but, finally, after being completely unproductive, i am able to edit. my story is at 8k words, and i am still trying to finish it. but i guess i just feel so. nothing. all i do is work or sleep. these are all the same things i've said before. really im stuck in a loop.

but. able to get some editing done for the last two hours or so. hopefully i am able to. do something. guh.