12.21.24 + 10:19 AM

SELF DEFENSE

very grateful and blessed that i have returned to complete frankenstein shutdown mode, where i don't feel much of anything. despite my general dissatisfaction and inability to feel much of anything, and that i no longer can sleep at night, i would rather remain like this, where i feel in control and safe in shutdown mode rather than deal with the pain of hyper-pain nervous system somatic reactions. i can only pray it will continue, or that i will be more healed and able not to be in so much pain. i have been baking a lot.

i don't have much to say that will hold any meaning. when i try and type out what's been going on in therapy, i just think "what's the point". ugh, i don't want to spiral down into depressive funnel. i guess i'm just tired. picture on the left are tiramisu cookies, espresso cookies with marscapone frosting and oreo sprinkles, ones on the right are peppermint hot chocolate cookies.

12.18.24 + 12:06 AM

COGNITOHAZARD

just another rotation around the heavy space in my body. had a vivid dream, woke up in the morning after stressful dream, went back to sleep and slept until 5 pm. feel so physically heavy inside my body despite eating and drinking tea. extreme feeling of disconnect, everything i do i can't form the proper processes in my brain to know how to make change, i can't even think about what i want to do because i am so physically weighed down, psychomotor retardation. tried EFT tapping when i woke up, is this some sort of side affect, or just my horomones plummetting. feel disgusting about all the music i listen to, all the videos i watch, anything i try to do ends up with me feeling unnerved. but i just have to accept this is out of control, because i have travelled all usual routes to get to the issue, swaying as i write this, i can't keep myself upright, and i want to collapse. sigh. i am more annoyed than anything, because all i want to do is be productive. going to dunk myself in cold water to hopefully shock myself, and then attempt to do laundry if i don't collapse into a heap and stop thinking before that.

12.15.24 + 10:47 PM

KIA

tonight i baked earl grey cookies. the recipe called for whole tea leaves, which i used a blend called "rainy bookstore", a ceylon, bergamot, and lavender blend. i thought it was really really delicious, the dough balls were rolled in sugar, and the cookies had a strong orange-ish black tea and bergamot flavor. nobody in my f********m*******ly liked them at all but that just means more for me because i like them a lot. i woke up at around 3 pm today, not good. really disappointed with how bad my sleep is, but what can i do but try. it's really hard to want to be awake during the day on the weekends, because everyone is at the house, so i think during the wake i could improve it. i need to keep reading and researching. bookseller said i was one of the most special people he's ever met in his life. do i really understand what that means or what i should do with that information? not really. i don't believe big statements like that. but if God is approving and smiles on us i guess it doesn't hurt, i know He'll guide me and give me wisdom in whatever i need to do, or what i need to understand. thinking about booking the somatic experiencing and TRE sessions gives me hope. i feel numb and at the surface, and happy, because i don't have to ruminate. i really want a newer flip phone, i have a samsung ice cream which i like but it's slow and i don't use kakao talk a lot anymore, but i love the pink color.

i should continue to read, do EFT tapping, and a couple minutes of ice cold shower at the end of bathing i think is helpful. here are pictures of my cookies. i want to either do banana pancake tea cookies next, or marscapone espresso cookies. i would also like to do a jam cookies, maybe make cranberry essence to flavor them... i think making cookie box will be so fun.

12.15.24 + 12:01 AM

ORCHESTRAL

what a horrible 24 hours, but my angels hold me tightly.

i had a migraine last night so i had a cup of coffee, and salted fries, two advil, two tylenol. unfortunately the cup of coffee, the caffeine both alleviated my migraine and then kept me awake with racing thoughts. tried EFT tapping for the first time, i don't know how to feel. i am going to be booking some somatic experiencing appointments in the city, that i can go to and hopefully benefit from. i want to try TRE too. well, the caffeine and racing thoughts kept me up so long, i went upstairs to the bathroom, and my cat had peed all over the hallway. not just in a puddle, but in multiple sprays and puddles all over. she didn't seem to be in pain, and was nuzzling and watching me clean the carpet with moderate success. i cleaned her litter box, i think she was stressed since bookseller came to my house yesterday, and there was lots of change with decorating for the holidays. she didn't do it again, and was friendly and normal all today, so i'll see if she does it again or is in pain or is incontinent.
i strained my back while cleaning the litter box because of my poor nutrient retention, my muscles and bones have never had a lot of strength. but then i was in bed tossing and turning because i couldn't lay down without feeling like my entire back was exploding. i thought it was my kidneys at first, and thought i must have an infection, but it's gone by now. with all the stress, i had another somatic pain that was all in my head, that i often have, which caused me to completely freak out and writhe in pain nonstop. i thanked God for giving me pain to focus on instead of my mental rummaging. i fell asleep sometime around noon, woke up at 5. it was difficult but i feel okay, very soft, very tired.

the cookies i made are checkerboard cookies, matcha and vanilla. they look really cute, not as perfect as the recipe picture but it gave me a good project to work on.

12.10.24 + 9:52 PM

CLOSER

i do not like being so sad and downcast. it does no good for me, and does no good for much anyone else.

bookseller got a haircut. went out with him today, but i don't feel happy. i just feel so far away. i try and think of what i want with life and with others, but i guess i don't really know. i don't know what closeness looks like, so i don't understand what it means when i feel close or far away. it just all feels confusing and nonsensical to me. i used to not feel a thing, and just hung out with him because i thought that's what i was supposed to do, so i wouldn't avoid socializing, and wouldn't sabatoge myself just because i didn't feel a single thing. it felt really safe and i was confident, because i didn't need him. but now, it's really painful, becuase i feel like i need him, and i don't want to, i want to go back to feeling nothing at all. and when it feels like we're growing distant, everything hurts too. it's so pointless. this whole situation is so pointless. all the confusion, all my emotional torture, it's all for nothing. my therapist is useless about this situation. i just want to be emotionless. i'm scared that i'm just affirming everything bad will happen by thinking about it so much, but i don't know how else to think, i can't help how i feel, and it's so physical it feels inescapable because i am physically in pain by emotions. i just want to make some progress. i really want to make progress. i know my own upset isn't going to change anything. the angels that circle me can join hands, and touch me.

bookseller said in his dream, i was a fawn, and he held me in his arms and went into "protect mode", and that he knew it was me but i was a baby deer, and he had to protect me.

i hope my therapist will actually meet with me in person this week because i need just someone to shake me awake. i feel like i'm living in a nightmare. i will make a list of tasks i have to complete. did you know that gargling stimulates the vagus nerve? i will be trying it. i will try
gargling water (the silliness of the action plus the somatic stimulation may help)
cold exposure (through in the shower to shock my system, on my face, on my wrists, to cool my body)
drawing my own self as i was a a child (intensely difficult, as my perception of self is flattened, and the idea of my own now self and having an "inner child" or child self is greatly upsetting and confusing. i have to overcome the rage and impulse to imagine myself harming my "child self" or imagining bad things happening to myself, and instead imagine it in neutral situations. i did this last night and found it helpful, or at least calming, something was stirring around inside, like stones falling into water)
when listening to painful music (sad music, angry music), draw and write out the expression i want to do, and how i am feeling and what the music connects with for me, so this can hopefully mitigate the spiraling and seeking out negativity to dig and shovel dirt ontop of me
reading. actual reading not where i read a few sentences and then go and pace and run, but real reading where i read an actual book, and i have to try to do the activities in the books too. i hope this will not be as difficult as i think it will be. i lose control of my motor functions in my hands. pretty sure shame and confusion programming keeps me from continuing to think about it, so i repress instead. i want to do the book activities.
do something other than rant in therapy. i don't want to get a new therapist. but something has to change in how the approach is. i can't do another week coming out feeling even more lost and confused.
implement more dbt skills into thinking such as, ACCEPTS, STOP, and thought modification.
make a visual theraputic box when things are out of my direct field of vision or current existance and experience, i forget they exist, and operate as if i do not have them (this goes for food, drink , books, my stuff) i have to make a visual corner of my room with posters, prayer cards, resources, my therapy books, and this list of stuff i need to do, so i can visually revisit and reference it.

what doesn't work for me: box breathing, rocking, intense interval exercise, body scanning. i will revisit these, when i can actually use them affectively.

i am so frustrated. i am so frustrated interpersonally, i am so frustrated inside myself, and i am so frustrated in general. i need to get a new job. i need the angels to surround and hold me. i want to be soft, and metamorphosize.

12.8.24 + 4:36 PM

SHINING STAR I'VE SEEN YOUR FACE

not very interested in speaking to anyone irl. even my dreams are depressing drivel, just nothing content and full indiscernable confusion. i find myself nonstop shaking and rocking back and forth when i pray, desperation and pain. can't be bothered to pick up the phone when it rings. i try to "align" my thoughts with positive outcomes, i try and just let go of attachment to the pain, it's not so much something i have practice in, so it only makes sense that when i need the skill, i dont have it. i feel bad even typing this, as if i'm already afirming my doom, which i don't wish to do. i can already feel the psychomotor retardation creeping in, willing my hands and arms to stop moving, and to collapse my body into a heap on my chair, as if fainting. it's a very scary feeling,

last night i was in so much pain. so much pain. so so so much pain. i couldn't breathe a full breathe, the psychosomatic manifestation of my hurt and fear searing emptily and digging inside me. i was completely at its mercy. the pain is so bad in those moments of psychological torment that i legitimately consider reawakening physically striking myself with a switch, so that perhaps the real bodily sensations will drown out the false psychological ones. i used to do push ups until i was shaking and about to throw up, but that would not apply any salve to my pain either. no amount of failed crunches, bicycles, russian twists, planking for 3 minutes straight, nothing would douse the great torture within my body, and it still raged and hurt until i was sobbing and thrashing on the floor.
when i was in school, the pain was so momentous i wouldn't eat, i was 80 pounds because the pain i was in was so deafening inside my body. i would try to hold my breath, breathe in and out slowly, 10 second breath in, hold 10 seconds, let go 10 seconds. instead of any pain relief or psychological calming, i instead just got head rush, and my teeth chattered and buzzed. nothing i do seems to combat it, which scares me endlessly. i don't want to go back to that feeling. i can't go back to that moment. i refuse to suffer so helplessly. i don't have a good grasp or idea of what to do. like i expressed to my therapist, i am hopelessly lost, and i feel helpless. i only feel that way though. i must set myself upright.

have to continue my regimen of snow tremella, reishi tea, and matcha, try to combat my brain crosswiring and fraying into torture mentality. i can't stand not being in control of myself. i must pray, and color and draw out the pain through expression. (every few moments typing this, a wave of paralysis rushes through my arms and hands and tries to collapse them making this hard to write or even think about. it radiates up into my clavicles and the sockets of my arms) i have to dance. and move, and try and feel any other way than trapped and paralyzed. i will put on nice lotion and perfume for hopefully an aromatherapy affect, to make myself feel beautiful and whole. i must pray. i do not want to fall. i cannot let my somatic pain corrupt all aspects of my life, because i cannot kill myself. i must be motivated to overcome deep darkness and torture. to be simply at mercy of this pain is a living hell for me.

12.7.24 + 11:00 PM

BACK TO BACK

not feeling so confident or great, but what am i to do. nothing much really. today i made "mochi cookies" the recipe is really simple, 2 cups mochiko flower, 1/2 cup sugar, tablespoon of baking powder, 1 and 1/2 cup of milk,um, maybe i forgot some. i made three different types, strawberry, matcha, and cocoa. i burned the cocoa ones becuase i left them in the oven for too long, and couldn't see when the edges browned. but the other two flavors came out baked okay. i didn't make it sweet enough or the flavors strong enough for my liking, but they're still okay. chewy and bouncy, you can wave them around like pancakes, which i found very entertaining.

bookseller called to tell me about how these girls i used to work with always ask about me and ask him to ask me to go to a restuarant with them. he tried to explain to me that i'm intimidating to them, which, i do not understand how. he says that they're younger than me (by 3 years), and that i'm more of a real adult to them. and that when he first met me he was intimidated (he very quickly corrected himself to which i assume to asuade his own ego, and explained he wasn't exactly intimidated lol) and that i seemed not to "take shit" from others. do i live in complete la la land? am i just incredibly unaware of mself and how i come off? i was adamant that they could not possibly view me that way. i mean, that's absurd, that's an absurd way to view me, according to my own perspective of course. maybe it's because i just lack some sort of insight on how they like me. i have no idea why they would want to continue to see and hang out with me either, i find the whole idea like a set up. or just a mirage, a lie for some other motive. i don't know.

i didn't feel therapy was helpful at all. she called me 20 minutes late. didn't have any advice when i clearly expressed i felt so hopeless and that i didn't know what to do about my situation. i feel like she didn't really care about helping me. it made me feel so rejected. i just cry and pray. so fruitless, waste of my time. i don't feel very interested in buying anyone in my real life christmas gifts. i feel very bitter and resentful recently, about everyone in my real life, which isn't very productive or pro social. i just cry and pray about it. i dislike feeling so powerless about social interactions, and about my connections with others being lost. i just cry and rock back and forth like a helpless baby.

i hate feeling hopeless, helpless, and out of control.

12.5.24 + 6:40 PM

EXHAUSTION

woke up at 10 am today. hooray, that's good i can be awake in the morning. today was difficult. i took a shower in the afternoon. therapist is sick so it was a phone call that she was 20 minutes late too. i sweat so much during my appointment even after my shower today. cried a lot. wish i felt more hope. i know it'll get better eventually. i just feel really small, and scared. at least after i cry, i feel tired, and can just collapse. didn't get nearly as much work done on my projects today.i think i did maybe 2% of what i did yesterday. i just am exhausted. things will get better soon. i will color with crayons, and lay down.

12.4.24 + 10:20 PM

PODIUM

what are you supposed to do when you reach the point in the knowing of another person where there's nothing left to say? i am not sure. i feel like all there has ever and could be said has been said with my relationship my irl friends. i don't know what else to do, there's not much material there, and it makes me anxious and scared that i will have no more irl people who will help me or be my friend again. i just feel scared that i am not doing my part, or there is something else i should be doing to keep interactions afloat. i feel like i am not unnecessarily negative when i talk in real life, i usually try to ask about the other person's day, or talk about my own interests. but i always feel like people are disinterested in me, or not as curious about me as i am them. others are unknowable to me, even though i have talked a lot with these irl people, i feel like i know maybe 20% of their depth. i could always make generalizations of the type of people they are and leave it flattened as that, but i feel like that is not so much respectful. i always give the benefit of the doubt, that people are so much more complex and deeper and unknowable than what i type them as. so when others are not so curious about me, about my interests or when i talk, i feel so crushed and confused.

i don't know what to do. i'm really fed up with feeling so distant from other people. it makes me want to self isolate even more, and to just push all i can into my creative works. even though i like painting, writing, literature, the arts, fragrances, all that stuff, it feels like when i say certain sentences or things people don't hear me, don't respond, don't laugh or smile, i just get no feedback. i always assume none of my actions or words stick with people, and that i don't stay in people's memories or consciousness, that i don't make an actual impact and that my words and actions really don't mean anything in social interactions, so when people respond i feel even more confused and alien. i can't help but feel stupid and out of my depth when it comes to closeness. it hurts too, physically the pain feels like a 7/10 to unbearable at times. i just don't want to be ruining everything because i don't know socially or interpersonally what is the right thing to say, or if i'm doing something unknowingly that is not pro-social.

i'm really scared. i can't pray to keep people in my life, they have their own autonomy, and i don't want to force someone to accept me, i just thought that things were going good, and now i have no idea what to talk about most days. i literally end up repeating over and over again the same sentiments, and then i completely run out of conversation. i know my social skills will improve the more i interact with people, but i don't want to lose people i really like in my life. i don't know, i just have to accept everything that happens, because fighting against reality is the ultimate form of pain.

i will pray a lot.

12.3.24 + 6:31 PM

BULLSEYE

woke up way too late today, thanks to crazy dream i had. stuffing my face too today, because i'm having awful cramps. last night i made snow mushroom soup, it was pretty good. i will probably make that again tonight. i don't know why even if i wake up early one day, the next my body just ignores all alarms. made dalgona coffee and homemade whipped cream. i tried to draw but i have literally lost all coordination in my fingers and hands to my brain today. it's disappointing, because now pinterest works and i have all my inspo, but it just won't come together. very frustrating

can't even finish my coffee. i just ate the whipped cream and sprinkles and a few sips of the coffee. i don't know what i'll do today. i just hope i can get some painting done. if anything i'll resort to crayons, which is always nice but i dont knowhow to scan my crayon drawings. site progress is slow but i am unsure of my own presentation, i want it to be unique but familiar to myself. i'll see what i can throw together. i feel okay, besides my frustration about drawing.

12.2.24 + 7:24 PM

VIOLENT BEAR

i think pinterest is down and it interrupted my work flow so now im on a loop, upstairs, run around the kitchen in circle, come back down, go back up, and i can't go back up into work flow because what was "supposed" to happen is now blocked so now my whole work flow is blocked. very annoying, so i have to figure my way out, because i can't seem to eat, or continue to work until i fix the loop. working on new redux for site, and i colored with crayons. today i woke up early, thank you. was very happy when i was awake back in the morning so i was really happy. i feel like i have to make as visible possible all my options in the day, so that i can do stuff and not get stuck in loop of disgusting feeling and inactivity. like, i can read book, i can paint, i can crayon color, i can play this game, i can code, i can do other stuff. i feel really weird, it is hard because all the time my body feels some sort of way like disgust, petrification paralysis, disconnection grossness, repulsion, putrefaction. it feels so strongly it's like getting physically sick sometimes, so it is really annoying when i am trying to be productive or feel good about stuff or even just see other people or think a thought and my perception sensitivity is making me feel like i am getting molested. it is really really ANNOYING. and that's how i feel most of the time about it is that i just get frustrated because "working through it" feels like it doesn't do anything. i just sit there or continue the activity feeling so mentally disgusting until i am force quit F5 and have to do something else. so it is really just getting in the way.

i realize a lot of what i do on the computer is digging. like, digging through images, digging through music, digging digging digging, and then it is kind of rarer for me to do something with all the things i collect. but i think i am happier that i am having more productivity its really good sign.

12.1.24 + 9:26 PM

ARCHIVAL FOOTAGE

worst travesty today. my favorite tumblr blog must have deleted a huge portion of their archive. i can't find half the pictures i was browsing the last time. i feel like i'm going to throw up.

today i took a shower. i feel really weird. i replaced the bulb for my candle warmer, my d************d warned me they won't make bulbs that warm anymore because it's all going to be led now. okay. i don't exactly know what to do with that information but i just said okay and i can now use my candlewarmer again which is nice. the important thing about life is that you keep trying. i don't know what i'm going to do about that tumblr blog, i feel totally sick and lost now. i should have just saved everything the first time. i don't know what to do. thinking about buying scrivener so i can continue writing my short story. i used a lot of the deleted images on that blog to make my writing inspiration board. i'm so mad. why did they delete all the good pictures. now i just feel so mad.

i want to color with my crayons today. i worked on my big project for my new site redux yesterday. i woke up really late today which didn't feel good. i feel just lost and sick and scared and thats about it. i guess i just have to work through it. not much to say. still waiting for my drawing abilities to come back, and have less psychomotor paralysis. i want to buy new facial soap, and new tea.

i forgot more stuff happened. thanksgiving was nothing. my br******th***********r refused to go so that was nice and no one picked on me or said mean and hurtful things to me so i was happy and it was easy. on black friday i got up at 4 am and we went to some outlet for 5:30 am. it was difficult to stand for so long in the cold. i got a new purse, finally. i also got a new sweater, and some lotion. i got really upset by the end. i just think having friends is really difficult for me. now it's december. the year is over. for the last few months i keep thinking 2024 is last year. well it will be soon. it is bizarre how much my life has changed since last december. i remember bookseller giving me the gameinformer with Leon in it last year at work. it made me happy but i didn't think anything of it. now everything is differnet. i just hope things won't get really bad. i hope that i am on a good and right path. i have been praying a lot. the more i think, the more swollen with stress and hurt i already feel. bad things happen whether we avoid them or not. bad things happen always. but good things happen too. it's just hard when you're primed and trained for bad. i just don't know what to say i guess. i don't really feel that connected to myself. i want to work on my big new project. i also want to get a new job that will be good for me.