2.27.23 + 5:08

5 HOUR ALONE

the opener called out today. so i had a shift alone. i am not feeling well. i feel dirty and sick. i just want to be cradled and burst open like an plum. i wish someone would lovingly press their thumbs into my brain and make me explode. or caress me and kiss my fuzzy skin. i am so alone.

2.27.23 + 12:01

TELL ME WHAT TO SWALLOW

no one loves me. i can feel everyone drawing away from me and killing me it is hurting me so bad. i am sick. i wish you'd love me. i am so alone until wednesday. what am i going to do. i want to hurt myself. i will never belong to anyone i will never find peace and i am going to die. i wish wednesday would come i wish wednesday would come i want to see my therapist right now. i am hopeless.

2.24.23 + 1:22

CASSOULET

i don't care. my therapist made me look at pictures of children and tell her how i felt about them. i hope she euthenizes me. then she made me talk about being beautiful for a long time and talking about if the kids grew up and were beautiful would i hate them and then if i thought about it like a gift to other people as if they are beautiful. i am just jealous of other peoples BELONGING AND ATTACHEMNT TO THE WORLD and it matters if I AM BEAUTIFUL i do not care if others are i just hate them for being it because i am JEALOUS not because i really hate them. and then she told me its all because of my attachment wound and i should try to think of it in a different way but it is hard and i have to practice. i hate practicing. i hate everyone for abandoning me even though i know its not logical. and i don't even WANT to change it. even if it makes me a bad person. unless i am given the gift of new p*r*nts like i had before. like i had a second chance at love and connection and they could nurture me and love me and i loved them and did not feel afraid then i will be jealous of others forever. i do not appreciate my pain. my coworker's partner's dad came in and they talked for a long time. and it made me want to cry. i was so jealous. i was so so so so jealous. it made me want to cry. i just want that feeling of being protected and belonged. it is hard to explain. seeing how sweet they talked and how nice it all was and how he complimented them made me just want to die on the spot. it made my chest feel really achey and mushy like moldy cucumber. its not fair. that everything just gets ripped away over and over. its not fair and i am jealous. and even if the children are beautiful they were loved and have something i do not so i will hate them. my therapist made me compare them and then asked if i would be jealous of someone who i did not consider beautiful but anyone who is loved is beautiful, and because i am not loved i am not. and everyone hates me and thinks of me badly because i am ugly and i am a dumpster puppy. so there. whatever. i just cry anyways. i wish i could fix it. i walked in the snowing weather. and it was cold and my legs itched. i was thinking of the summer time and it made me happy to think of sun bathing listening to grimdark stories. sometimes i jsut make myself believe it will all get better. it is hard to go to sleep. and i don't want to think. i really wish i had friends. i saw a video about "cursing yourself" that saying bad things about yourself curses you. ok. i am so needing to eat but i am not hungry. like i just want to put htings in my mouth and chew but i am not hungry. it feels like that. ok.

2.21.23 + 1:08

LINGERIE

for the love of god. i hate being fucking stupid. do you have any idea how it feels to just be so fucking fundamentally less intelligent than everyone else? i keep seeing videos that make me want to blow my face off. there was this one video of this very beautiful girl saying how she goes to the club to self soothing stimulation and how she doesn't understand anyone interacting with her there which is fine. i am just jealous. jealous she is beautiful, jealous people care about her, jealous she is intelligent, and that she has friends and she can even chose to not need other people and i am literally a dumpster baby. then i think i do the same thing, i run around in a circle or back and forth over and over again for hours, but i am not beautiful or intelligent so there is no one to care about my experience. i think people have been meaner to me lately. or i have been angrier towards them which i hate doing. i don't know, there have been a couple times where i have gone out in public and have become so bewildered and angry and frustrated i couldn't think straight and just left. how humiliating. i wish i could just die.

i went to buy a dress for the valentines outing i was going to, but their pin pad didn't work so i had to come back and the lady said she would put it on hold for me. well she didn't tell me they only held it until they close the store that day, so the next day i went there and asked for it they said they put it back on the shelf, but that i could come look for it again and i became so frustrated i started to cry and told them that it was okay and i just left without the dress and cried in the mall i was so humiliated. how embarrassing. then today i went to a coffee shop and they only had one type of iced coffee blend, but a lot of house blends, so i wanted an au lait (brew coffee + milk) over ice. i told the barista that i wanted an au lait iced but didn't elaborate so she decided to explain to me what an au lait was (which i already knew) so i said "i don't mind if it's watered down i just wanted the hot cofee and cold milk over ice" and she turned to the barista and asked if she could do that and the barista said yes so she turns back to me and goes "so you want that hot" and i was so out of my mind embarrassed i just said that i didn't want a drink and sat down. i want to hang myself. i know what i am.

the girl who goes to the club to stim also was described in someone else's comment section as "visciously intelligent". she gets to be seen, gets to be complimented, gets to be so real. i am so jealous. i am so insanely skull fuckingly jealous. of her and everyone else. who have friends. who have people see them, like them, think of them, love them. people who get to be real to others, who get to be admired, and get to be something. i wish i had the intelligence for that, some sort of skill or willpower, some sort of fucking advantage. i am so jealous. so angry. and no one will ever feel the way i feel, no one will ever be able to understand. and i think it will be that way forever and i will be dumpster baby forever less than nothing pile of mush rot in a trashbag. i don't know what to do with myself.

my therapist says its okay to not want to go back to school. i am completely incapable of keeping to deadlines, of doing the work. i already know i already know i already know i already know i already know i already know what i am over and over and over and over and over and over and it doesn't make me want to do better it makes me want to blow my brains out of the back of my skull and have my eyes pop out and my body tense up and slump over and i will never bother anyone ever again. my therapist says its okay to know you just can't do it. and she says i can live a nice life just okay. she says its okay im doing okay. she says its okay. shes the only person who really think of me. she said i was pretty.

i am in incredible and terrible pain. physically and in my brain too. bad puppy!!

2.17.23 + 12:17

FLOWERS

i took a shower today. i was getting so nervous about my valentines day outing that i cried so hard and began to have flashback esque moments where i could see the town, and just i would not stop crying. anything thinking about the town would make me become irrationally angry and sad and uncomfortable. i had a strange dream last night too, that i could feel. lots of my dreams i can ****feeeeel*** like i can feel all the sensations, but it is not a lucid dream, it is a dream where things happen to you and you feel them so intensely like they are happening. i have this idea that they are coming while i sleep and violating me. it is a big reason i cannot sleep at all. i am so afraid i keep stress eating as well. i go to work again tomorrow so maybe itll distract me. i just feel. away.

2.15.23 + 4:48

MAKEUP

oh whats wrong with me. i am feeling the such insanity sadness that is weighing down my fingers and arms and legs so that it is hard to type or even to move or scroll. literally i become so hopeless and sad i cannot move my fingers to scroll type or my body to move. i am supposed to do a valentines celebration by going to a downtown area about 30 minute near me, but i am not looking forward to it at all. i hate that town there is nothing to do and it is so cold and lonely. it remind me of having to go there all the time when i was young and being miserable and afraid all the time. i don't know. i am so sad today. nothing is fun and i am so lonely. at therapy i just talked on and on and on and on and my therapist didn't even get a word in because i couldn't stop talking. i think i was too uncomfortable or repressed to express what is really bothering me. i am not excited about anything today. im just tired. i hate bad dreams. i hate feeling dirty and molested. i want to be clean and soft and nothing. i am so heavy and sad.

i cried a lot. i was trying to look at pictures of places to go to in the downtown and i was overwhelmed with such intense sadness and heaviness. i just couldn't stop crying. i am very afraid this pain, this ugliness, will be forever. when will i heal. it is times like these i get so discouraged. like in therapy, i just talked and talked. i have to talk myself in a circle, or wear my brain down until i can finally get to what is bothering me. or otherwise i will look inside myself and see. flatness. like before it is a great depth, like looking into a room or a doorway, and instead it is a fuzzy gray wall, like a cubicle wall. and it just is solid and neverending. nothing behind it. i am suddenly never existing beside sitting on the couch, unable to access anything. i don't know. i am getting so sad my head is drooping and falling. like my body is suddenly collapsing from sadness.

i want to watch eternal sunshine of the spotless mind again. i am so lonely everyday. though i like being alone very much. it is. lonely. it is frustrating so much. it makes me so mad, that i cannot seem to find anything i can be next to. i cannot lay down next to anyone without feeling so afraid. so scared. so angry about everything. i want it all to be okay. i want to go to sleep and feel safe. and i do not want to dream about bad thigns that make me feel sour and dirty.
i cannot type anymore. my hands have gone limp. i have a headache. my fingers do not move with me. i even today drove. and i went to eat at this cafe. i sat alone. i think that may have made me angrier. i hate going out in public. i am infinitely sad and need to put myself to sleep. i wish someone else would put me to bed. i wish someone would put me down. i am a bad puppy. i want to cover my eyes with my paws and wait until he explodes my skull and my eyes pop out of my brain and i am dead. and i will never be a bad puppy again.

2.14.23 + 1:46

VALENTINES

i have come down very sick about two days ago. i am going back to work today, but i am still very sick. no fever, or at least no fever i was able to make a reading of, but i have a lot of sinus headache pressure, and congestion. i do not want to work today, but i have to. i hope i will not freak out because of my sickness. i hate it when customers do not wear a mask. and then they sneeze into their hands then try to hand me money. aaa!!! please do not get me sick!! today is valentines day. i hope no one is terribly miserable. i am doing nothing today. i want to bake a cake but i will not beacuse i am so sick. i can barely get a coherent thought out. at least i have a short shift, and i have therapy tomorrow. i am craving udon,,,, the udon soup ive been making is so good, but im too weak to make it cause of my sickness. i hate being sick so often. i want to be productive.

after work update: what a strange shift. i was in immense physical pain while i worked, it felt like someone was melting my pelvis into plastic goop and i nearly vomitted into the sink. but i still worked the whole shift. i made myself a double fried egg and spinach sandwich. i am restless. i also got a strawberry banana smoothie. i don't know how such meneal work i do becomes so stressful, but i think it is because of others self importance they put into their jobs. every month we have a board, and i think i have mentioned it before, but last month someone through out my drink ideas and im still upset about it. but now they are all making new drink ideas. and i am not making any because i am mad. though once you make enough boards you kind of run out of combinations. especially with the summer months. i saw this one "drink idea" where its water with strawberry puree, vanilla, and salt packets. MMmm salt packets!! i forgot to make it for myself tonight and i want to try it. but i think it was because i was in so much pain. i don't think others care about me. sometimes it seems like i may be really really pushing people away. my favorite coworker who quit came in and brought me valentines muffins. i was so happy. they were delicious! i kept the red lace that came around the lunchbox. i am going to miss her. but in this case, i really think people just love to project themselves onto me. all day today was other people asking me questions, and then applying their own answers! i am non confrontational, because if i become confrontational i will become inconsolible and never return to normalcy. but my therapist says that this coworker who quit is an example that i can be friends with people i work with, or that i can make friends at all. that makes me angry. because all my other coworkers just talk about themselves onto me! like they ask me about what i am doing today, or about how i am working or anything and then make up their own story it seems! they have already made up their mind about my response before i am responding! their perception of me is already made up.
so i will NOT be making any drinks for the drink board. cause i HATE THEM!!!!
therapy tomorrow... i have so much phone calls to make.

im going out for a valentines celebration next week. i am afraid to take pictures or to even go out in public. what if i do not look beautiful on camera. or in person. i am so afraid of what i will be looking like. i am afraid i am not a beautiful person at all.

2.11.23 + 12:13

CONSTELLATION

today my store had a giant book fair. for some school or whatever. it was so busy. very very busy. i was as nice as could be. even though the kids were somewhat strange, i remember needing to excact control in out of school environments with school peers. today was the last day i was going to work with my favorite coworker who is leaving. i am very sad about it. also today one of my coworkers were sulking. so i sent them a big bunch of texts giving them encouragements or ideas to help. i would feel guilty if i just noticed it and didn't do anything. not that i am genuinely interested or invested. i just know it is nice to try and suport others when publicly sulking and being miserable. it is attention seeking, so i guess i just am feeding into it and giving attention. i made a custom sign for the book fair. maybe one day i will post all the signs i have designed, so maybe people can look at them. i love using paint markers, though the ones we have at work are ALL BREAKING. it was incredibly frustrating trying to illustrate my sign with markers that dripped and exploded everywhere. oh well. i did it anyway.

i thik if i were to publicly sulk it would not matter. i am not good at going against social norms. even the day i was publicly yelled at by a manager infront of customers and staff because i could not work christmas holiday because of a medical emergency and was screamed at and berated and i cried and sobbed because i was so angry and embarrassed i went right back to cheery and did not even quit even though it was a completely acceptable reason to do so. being publicly humiliated like that. then i got extremely sick afterwards, probbaly because of the stress and duress i was under. i just cried for a while in the back and returned to work. i don't think people would care if i suffered so noticably anyways. i am not good at talking to people about my issues in real life, even with my therapist i have issues. i still try though, but not with people like coworkers. that's why it's so strange to me that this coworker would sit there and mope. there is nothing anyone can do, and i even asked if i could cheer her up or could do anything to comfort her and they said "no. i am just tired of living". you can imagine the face i made. (；⌣̀_⌣́) sigh! the angels reflect me once again. but the thing is i really do take my own advice. to find new projects to work on, make a vision board on what you want to improve in your life, and find the source of discomfort and change it. i try not to be a hypocrite... she said.. "do i really have to live 50 60 more years of this" i didn't say anything to that.. because i always think i am going to kill myself and not have to live that extra time! but how helpful would that be... LOL へ[ •́ ‸ •̀ ]ʋ just try everyday to have kindness and grace for others. i do not fault anyone for needing attention or public sulking. i know it is my RAD empathy that makes me hate them for seeking attention. because i am jealous. of their ability to be needy. jealous angry jealous angry. but its ok. i have made pho udon noodles bok choy shiitake mushrooms and spinach for 2 days in a row. soooooooooooo delicious. yum! i had a dream i was pregnant, but woke up bloated. my brain is very strange. i am content. today. oh and i made coffe with cold foam!! wow! and i ran around my kitchen a lot!! circle circle circle!

2.8.23 + 11:25

VAMPIRE

whoa... i woke up today to such a vivid dream. i cried because no one would be my partner in this strange huge grassy campus with these giant metal bleacher bench things, like picnic tables but bleacher metal. there were these hoses that looked like sink hoses coming out of some place in the sky that would shoot water. so that we as vampires didn't have to drink blood. and no one would be my partner.. i was really sad. was strange. but i woke up from that vivid dream and i went to therapy. my therapist just told me more and more about reactive attachment disorder, and suggested i take a class that wasn't graded, like for just self improvement to gain knowledge. i think its a good idea, but the pressure of having to be with others is scary to me. im not sure if i can do it, but, im willing to see if theres a class i could go to like writing or something. i jsut think i would be so afraid of the other people or about doing anything. it makes me afraid thinking about it, and it makes me angry. i think i will try i think. also, i got a gash in the middle of my two toes, and i bandaged it up, a lot. like i went a little crazy putting on a ton of bandaids and tape and bandaids. im glad i don't have work for two days though, makes it easier that i don't have to stand. i made baked tofu tonight. i thought i would be in a good mood writing this, but suddenly i feel this wave of misery.
i can't seem to move my life along. my therapist says thats fine, but i feel angry. she says that not everyone is capable of living life in a certain way. i wish i was independent. but even thinking about living independently i think i would just kill myself anyways, because even normalcy makes me miserable. its not like i am a high stimulation need kind of person or thing, like i need adrenaline. i just don't like being alive or experiencing life in any way. im trying to listen to music i regularly listened to a few years ago to try and make myself feel something different. i also don't think i mentioned i finally watched eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. this was a couple weeks ago, but i think the movie was okay. it made me cry once. i just dislike how stupid jim carreys character was. or clementines drinking. i haven't felt warm in a while. i hope that feeling returns. i wish i had written entries last summer. i always like summer because i lay out in the sun and listen to scp entries or grimdark stories. it feels really good. i made mopping a bit more bearable for myself, i listen to mlp grimdarks while doing it, and it makes me really excited to mop because i want to listen to the story! i think once i leave this job itll be the one thing i will miss.
maybe i have just my romantic or loving side of me. i haven't felt very romantic or nostalgic. just solemn that i can never have another chance. i miss the fuzzy and real life esque quality of pictures from digital cameras. i am planning on making new pages. i am thinking of a blog page, a page for my flip phone stuff. and maybe photography with my digi cam or flip phone.

2.7.23 + 4:00

BLONDE CAPPUCCINO

what a miserable few days. yesterday i cried randomly and without warning all day. it was so embarrassing. i would burst out in tears. when i came home i was very beautiful. maybe i was crying out all the ugly. i got coffee from a coffee shop on a college campus and i felt so fearful, defensive, and maddened with anger. it's because i feel inferior.. to the students, with their put together outfits, the fact they can go to college, and are doing their classes, and their intelligence. and i am just on the outside of the whole world cold and dead. i just feel so inferior and afraid i can't help but become so angry. and then i sobbed for a while. then driving i cried 3 more times against my will. no build up, no event, i just began to cry so hard out of nowhere, and i was screaming to make it stop, screaming no!!! i didn't want to cry!!! how embarrassed i was!!!! i can't go out in public at all it feels like. i will just become inconsolable and miserable, no matter where or what. i feel this undeniable and permanent hatred that radiates and infects me from others. i will never be apart of them. everything reminds me that i am never going to be my true self in real life, that my identity and who i am will never be respected, understood, perceieved or seen. i bought new skincare products because i woke up with a burning red face and my skin flaking and peeling off. i didn't do anything to it and it was fine the night before. they are making me ugly in my sleep, injecting me and fucking my face. i just know. i just know. when will i transform? when will i metamorphosize? when will i become a beautiful butterfly? and then i can live my life in peace, even if i am not happy i would be beautiful and at peace and i will not bother anyone anymore. if only i could transform. if only others could see me. last night i cried so hard too. i am literally too delusional and mentally broken to live in this world. i hate being useless, i hate being an embarrassment. i hate being low intelligence. i hate being ugly. i hate that no one will see me. i know i am a person not worthy of life, and i hate that i am alive, and i hate that i continue to live instead of dying.
i do not want to participate in valentines day.

2.2.23 + 11:47

TRIPLE DAY RESURRECTION

welcome february! i made a new drink board sign for my work, and drew a nice sweet kitten holding a heart. so cute! i think i have therapy tomorrow, hopefully in person so i can acutally say what i want. i also submitted my poems to this poetry magazine, it says itll take 10 weeks for me to find out. the first 3 places have cash prizes. i so badly want to win. i used to think i was good at writing. when people read my work they would seem to be impressed. now when i have shown people work it just seems like it falls flat. i am fearing i am not the person i thought i was. when i read poems or stories im always taken aback at how incredible they seem. i am keen on exclaiming at how genius the works are. nobody seems to react that way toward my work anymore. it all seems like, i am writing nonsense, which everyone is pretending to understand to not hurt my feelings. i thought i was talented in writing. but now i am not so sure. i don't think so. i want to curl up and die. as i do all the time. trying to make something out of my life is just a waste of time. i do not even want to be alive. i am so soul crushed, so terribly angry with my own life. after writing my last article, in the mirror i tried to look at myself, and i had become a horribly disgusting deformed ugly ugly UGLY!!!!!!! thing. i cried and sobbed and cried for so long until i couldn't breathe. i took a benadryl to make myself sleep, as i couldn't be awake much longer after that. i just can't take the painful feeling of being so horrible. who ever decided to make me alive is an idiot. i am not even beautiful in a horrific kind of way. i look at the worst things and think they have value or beauty, genuine beauty, but i do not think i have that trait. no one cares about me, who i am, what i care about. i am nothing to them. i am just nothing.

i wish i was intelligent. i wish i was talented. i wish i was beautiful. i wish i was gentle and kind. i wish i was gifted.