2.27.25 + 5:39 PM

WHAT HAPPENED

not feeling well. it really hurts, and i feel like you're not not just not supposed to put the pelvis bones together because it would really hurt and. the skin is too shallowe.

back to super depression. i don't know if this is my own self fulfilling prophecy, like i bring it on myself, or if it's inevitable and uncontrollable. i made miso soup with wakame and jade pearl rice. why don't i feel better? i feel nothing but super bad. i feel just awful. my whole existance just disgusting. i don't feel secure. i don't feel pure. repulsion repulsion repulsion repulsion repulsion. and i just feel sick. i can't feel secure, or safe, i just want everything to disappear. maybe i should go back to my aunt's house. i don't know. i can't shower there. can i really shower here either. i just hate feeling like this. everything is different. i don't know how to fix this feleing. so i willjust have to press all the buttons until it fixes itself. this is so useless.

i want to make a cake, something really nice. i can't figure out what went wrong. what cahnged. this is so useless. this is such a useless feeling. things could be worse, but i can't help how full i am of this awfulness. i can't feel safe, in anything i do. my dreams are dark and empty and meaningless. and i feel like if i hurt myself i can atone. but what good would that do. what kind of cleansing action could i take to purify myself. or perhaps this is just reality, and my dissociation, my fragmentation, keeps me placid and feeling safe and guarded and separated from the dirty awful disgusting repulsion world. i feel like im drowning in shit.

when it gets so bad like this, i rock back into trying to build my walls again. trying to build up the shit walls to pretend like everything is fine, and that im happy, and safe, and pure. when perhaps my reality is being trapped in the well of shit, speared through my anus to my throat.

can't you help me?: i say to the angels
do not be afraid: is what they say, flying above the well, rain pouring down and filling my mouth.

inexplicable. evil. disgusting. sinking doom. pure terror, untouched from my suffering, untethered from my body, a clear recognition of honest and beautiful understanding by terrorizing me, sending painful goosebumps through my spine, traversing my nervous system, numbing my senses, so that i can only pray. i try to feel my way to there, to push my mind back through filth, to make myself reverse back into the fragments so that i can almost make myself so miserable and terrified another white hot terror must completely break my perceptions and self back into reality-death.

it'll be alright. whether i'm drowning in shit, and pretending that things are well, or things are well, and im haunted by the overwhelming stink and disgust of shit, i just have to keep going. there is no other choice, but to take care of myself, if i can.

2.25.25 + 4:51 PM

SCONCE LIGHT

went up to my aunt's house to where i used to get sent away to for a few days. it was good. though it is much of the same but different. learned a lot from my cousins about the family, and how bad it is. many memories i participated in, i have no recollection of. just sad. don't feel well now that im back home. i tried to make cream puffs from a box mix, but i must have messed up because they came out horrible. i thought the dough looked good. im not very experienced with them, so i guess that's why. bought a bunch of stuff at the supermarket for making cheese platter because bookseller said we could hang out today but then it didn't happen. just have to give myself space to be disappointed and frightened. what is there much to care about right now. i should read some more, but i hate this house, i hate this place, and i can't feel well it seems. i got all dressed up today, i was going to make scones too but i just didn't because now i'm just feeling so blue and disasterous.

what should i do. i have many things to work on. im last minute rushing my entry for another poetry contest, last time i almost made finalists, but was eliminated from the final round of winners. maybe this time i could win. i'll see what i can do. i want to buy scrivener because i really liked it a lot when writing one of my pieces. i just feel like i'm in a boat and life is a torrent filled river, dark blue and full of dying deer and struggling plant life, and my boat is being swished and washed away, and i can't get up to row or fight back. i want to fight back. i'll have to figure out some way not to be carried away by torture. my dreams are strange and fearful. at least they're not bland or disgusting, mundaneity and wishy washy dreams always upset me more despite their tameness it seems. i feel so lost. maybe i can make the scones tonight anyways. i'll do my best not to stagnate.

2.15.25 + 8:13 PM

GROWS ATTACHED TO THE TORTURE NOT THE PAIN

feeling barren. when i try to be loving or close, it feels horrible. i feel sick and weak, and that imminent feeling of doom crashing down on my body. it is truly bizarre. everything about my own experience and perception just feels like "well, i just have to keep going anyways, so i just endure". my lips and mouth stop moving, and i just feel sad and stare at nothing, and stop responding. i feel so bad, but i just close my eyes, and i'm being violated, and a body being a shield is suddenly a cage, and i can't stop anything. nothing feels good, and i can't trust myself to say anything, i can't trust myself to know what's best for myself, so i just let it all wash over me, and i strangle myself anyways. maybe that's a trade off for not harming myself in a traditional way, i just indulge in not helping myself.

grows attached to the torture not the pain. i originally read it as "grows attached to the torturer, not the pain" and i thought it made sense but it wasn't for me, but then finally i realized what it had actually said, and i guess that's more understandable. grows attached to the torture not the pain. i want to go back to therapy, but the therapist i want is currently on a waitlist. i feel like i'm doing worse. my hygeine and my sleep got all blown up, they were really good for maybe two weeks, but i never seem to be keen on keeping habits that i really want to keep.

don't have any urges at all. my whole body just feels like it's dying, and i feel like my brain is dying too, but like everything else, i'm just on the stoop smoking a cigarette, waiting to go back inside and to try again, i can only be defeated for so long, before i go back and try again. i want a nice job. i really want a nice job. i want a nice therapist. i want to feel like i'm not crazy and stupid. i constantly feel like i have to remind and validate myself. it's exhausting, but what more can i do than manage.

the courage to heal i think is a good book. but i read sad comment seeing if other people liked it, it was a comment on reddit saying that "gave me short bursts of feeling empowered. it's a false flag made to set up vulnerable people to fall even lower." i'm paraphrasing. i think a lot of recovery or, a lot of the struggle to keep up with every day life is just that, short bursts of feeling like you can change, then going back to falling into pain. but i really feel like the book is good, or at least it makes me feel good when i read it. i try and be realistic about what i alone can accomplish with how i know i am. at first the comment soured the book for me, and i felt really upset, and like it was useless to read anyways and to just let it go, like it was wrong for me to read it and to try it out. but i think it's useful, and at least for me, it makes me feel a bit more in control. nothing is good for everyone as a blanket. there are books i hate that other people love. i just guess i'll try and be realistic.

2.11.25 + 11:18 PM

HOTEL PAIN RELIEF

stupid and meaningless dreams. or rather, dreams that are just alone, with not much good or bad, just that sick middle ground. don't feel as confident or good. i feel stupid and all flaccid and stupid and dumb. really sick like. just not good. i want to flee and run away as fast as i can when i feel like this, like a rabbit. when i was waiting while it was snowing by the door, there was a big brown rabbit that hopped up to the door and stared at me. it was really cute and was looking at me, then looked the other way, and hopped away. the snow was coming down, it was brown and toasty looking. i feel like my body has been filled with soap and water, and i'm all wishy washy. turn up the music..!

i hope i can escape my brain from this feeling. i don't have anything to say. i can't wait to escape. the feeling of sedative sickness is pretty unbearable, and only returning to dissociation and escape beyond my brain's capabilities can cure me. it's so painful to be present. i can't wait to disappear again, please let me escape. get me out of here!!!!

feeling better, when i realized it was painful to be vulnerable and alone feeling.

2.8.25 + 9:11 PM

MANY TYPE A FALLEN

body hurts so bad from the stress in my chest and stomach. can't eat. made chocolate croissants but i can't eat them because it's so tense in the house. what am i going to do. pacing back and forth pacing up and down pacing up and down back and forth, my feet and legs hurt and i think i could be a good ballet dancer if i was two feet taller and my body wasn't cut open. drinking tea, and my dreams get worse. no matter how i try to drown out everyday life, through zombie-like suppression of my thoughts and feelings. i feel the physical psychological distance inside my brain from me and myself. i can feel when i'm not me, and when it's some shell personality overtaking me. i have so much nervous energy because there's so much to fight off, i can feel the tension in my shoulder blades ripple up my spine and neck, it makes my body move involuntarily in response. there's no real sort of understanding i can ascertain from how stressed i am. i know the cause and i know the reason, but what action would any animal take to repurpose the fear besides having a seizure. the best i can do is run in circles until my brain shuts off from psychological stress again.

the worst is the disgust. when i feel so so so disgusted. that's truly debilitating. when either i'm so suppressed and snuffed out like a wet blanket i stop moving and thinking from depression, or total disgust overtaking, where nothing i do garners safety or pleasure or any positive stimuli, and instead, the recognition of any consciousness in me, even my sight of things around me, is soaked in ultimate molestation disgust. that's the worst, because i can't turn to anything to alleviate it.

bookseller said he can come pick me up. i'm hoping just driving around will alleviate some psychological pressure. i went back to regular sleeping today too, but even that is not enough, where i feel so ugly and preyed upon by just being awake while anyone else is. getting up in the morning sure is nice to feel kind of good about myself, but the trade off of exposure is bad. maybe it'll all work out.

2.7.25 + 12:27 AM

TIKI TANK TOP

my dream was awful. i feel sick that my body reacts. i stress ate the whole day, i couldn't think. everything pushes down and suffocates. i can't think about sleeping. i don't know what to do. i feel helpless. i had a really bad pain episode the other day too. i don't know if i have nerve damage or if it is what my old therapist says is conversion disorder or somatic symptoms, but i was screaming and crying in pain in bookseller's car, i felt so sick inside, and i was in so much pain. he bought me frozen peas, and cold can of tea, and lidocaine, and he kept telling me he'd buy me whatever i'd like so i'd feel better. it was almost comical, he was saying "if you need a new outfit, let's go get a new outfit, if you want me to get you something for your game we can do that, do you want a new plush, we can get that too," it was almost bizarre, i felt like i was somewhere completely else. the cold helped, i think the lidocaine helped too, and that dream was bad too. it was about me on the snowy steps of the house i live in, and a big man ontop of me, and he was forcing my mouth, then the dream went to some older man, who kept me in his bed, and i thought it was my old teacher, but it was bizarre, his skin was all wrinkly and it was too sweaty and hot next to him, and i felt gross, like princess leia and jaba the hutt or whatever. i felt like i was next to a big dragon, and i felt like the ceiling was going to fall on us. it was gross. then that day i had the horrible pain. we had to cancel plans, and he brought me home. i finished making my cookies i had started that morning, and they were bad, it was a disappointing recipe. i don't know. thinking about going to sleep tonight is making me feel... i don't know. bookseller prayed for me in the car while i was crying in pain. it was dark all day, and then he prayed over me, and then the sun came out and shown through the window on my face, and he pointed it out. i was too in pain and too upset to feel much of anything. maybe my angels and God are really looking out for me. then it went back to being dark. but it was a new coincidence. i felt so wrong. this whole week feels wrong. it feels more wrong walking around during the day after dreams like that. where i keep seeing the faces and people. i keep seeing corpse faces. it feels worse that i feel like a stuffed doll and my body is disconnected after, even when having a reaction. i don't know what to do.

i went to Boston last Sunday. it was fun, and i got some stuff. dinner was okay, i just got miso soup and takoyaki. i only went with my other female friend. bookseller called it a "girl's day". i need to get new shampoo. also, i got sims 2, and i am playing the sims 2 now.

still working on projects. it's hard when many days i can't even go to my computer because i'm so stressed i just go in circles, to the window, to the counter, to the bathroom, and just go back and forth and back and forth and back and forth stress pacing, like a zombie. i want to make my new website overhaul. i pray to my angels to protect me and save me. i pray for clarity.

2.1.25 + 6:07 PM

LA BELLA VITA

the doom of the outside world is almost instantly maddening to look at. i make bread to try and feel i have some control over my life. i don't know what i'll do. flee the entire country? to where would i go that will not burn up in a few short years. whenever i am really scared, i just remember, that it'll all turn to ash anyways, that great death sweep will come anyways for the entire earth. what a stupid way to go, what a stupid way to live. most days, i just have to shut off my brain, and wander around zombie-like so that i can not end up crawling around on the floor with my heart exploding and my body shaking. the most immediacy threat, bodily sickness injury, the country's sickness and clogging suffocation, and at the very end, existential and personal meaningless. what fallacy, what lie had i told myself before this that makes me surprised? i don't think i lied to myself too harshly about just how full of terror the state of living was before this, perhaps just a silent sigh of relinquishment to the fact there is no way to control the death of the world, that it would be out of our hands. the only threat to the pain of oppression is the return of destruction of pain, the physical, most immediate threat. i just shake and weep at His feet, because i wish God would save all of everyone, and i wish that suffering wouldn't have to be inflicted on the innocent.

i made red velvet cupcakes two days ago, and gave them to bookseller for him to take home to his family. i got a new alexander mcqueen book of runway pictures. i think it's cool. i'm reading more finally. brain is so shot that i have to actively try not to just stare into nothing for hours at a time. i hate the fact i feel less cognizant than ever. i feel like a zombie, but it's true, i feel like i'm not even a person anymore. everything that happens just makes me feel jaded, bitter, and lost. the pain is bad that in bed i'll cry and weep, shaking and writhing, my skin sensitized and i'm unable to sleep, to cross my legs, to sit, to lay down, all i can do is just try and forget my body is apart of me. i was able to sleep and wake at normal times, so waking at 8/9 am and sleeping at 12/1, but last night i went to bed at 3 am and slept until 4 pm. very disappointed, but i hope maybe i can rectify and salvage it. i feel disgusting all over. i try make things nicer, lotion, perfume, clothing, but it's like whatever enters this house becomes irreversibly tainted and destroyed. when i look at my body in the mirror, i stare at myself, i can almost feel that if i just tore open my breasts they'd reveal the dilapidated and rotting structure of ashen body within me, that all my organs and ribs would have been eaten away and turned to an interior of filth and ruin.

i practiced driving. it was okay. there's so much i could say, but where would it get me.