2.1.25 + 6:07 PM

LA BELLA VITA

the doom of the outside world is almost instantly maddening to look at. i make bread to try and feel i have some control over my life. i don't know what i'll do. flee the entire country? to where would i go that will not burn up in a few short years. whenever i am really scared, i just remember, that it'll all turn to ash anyways, that great death sweep will come anyways for the entire earth. what a stupid way to go, what a stupid way to live. most days, i just have to shut off my brain, and wander around zombie-like so that i can not end up crawling around on the floor with my heart exploding and my body shaking. the most immediacy threat, bodily sickness injury, the country's sickness and clogging suffocation, and at the very end, existential and personal meaningless. what fallacy, what lie had i told myself before this that makes me surprised? i don't think i lied to myself too harshly about just how full of terror the state of living was before this, perhaps just a silent sigh of relinquishment to the fact there is no way to control the death of the world, that it would be out of our hands. the only threat to the pain of oppression is the return of destruction of pain, the physical, most immediate threat. i just shake and weep at His feet, because i wish God would save all of everyone, and i wish that suffering wouldn't have to be inflicted on the innocent.

i made red velvet cupcakes two days ago, and gave them to bookseller for him to take home to his family. i got a new alexander mcqueen book of runway pictures. i think it's cool. i'm reading more finally. brain is so shot that i have to actively try not to just stare into nothing for hours at a time. i hate the fact i feel less cognizant than ever. i feel like a zombie, but it's true, i feel like i'm not even a person anymore. everything that happens just makes me feel jaded, bitter, and lost. the pain is bad that in bed i'll cry and weep, shaking and writhing, my skin sensitized and i'm unable to sleep, to cross my legs, to sit, to lay down, all i can do is just try and forget my body is apart of me. i was able to sleep and wake at normal times, so waking at 8/9 am and sleeping at 12/1, but last night i went to bed at 3 am and slept until 4 pm. very disappointed, but i hope maybe i can rectify and salvage it. i feel disgusting all over. i try make things nicer, lotion, perfume, clothing, but it's like whatever enters this house becomes irreversibly tainted and destroyed. when i look at my body in the mirror, i stare at myself, i can almost feel that if i just tore open my breasts they'd reveal the dilapidated and rotting structure of ashen body within me, that all my organs and ribs would have been eaten away and turned to an interior of filth and ruin.

i practiced driving. it was okay. there's so much i could say, but where would it get me.