1.29.23 + 9:24
i watched scott pilgrim in full for the first time. i've only seen parts of it before and never seen the ending. after i watched it, i wanted to die. i was so miserable. i am a loser. at least the people in that story have friends, and talk to each other. i do not have any friends here. i hate other people. i want to like them but i get viscerally disgusted and humiliated by the thought of being "friends with others". i am also just a bad person. like, i have no inherent humanistic nature in me. i just everyday hope i die and never come back to being alive. i find no happiness. being alive at all is humiliating for me. i do not really deserve or really even offer any value in terms of friendship. i am just really useless. seeing ramona flowers be cool and be perceived, i want to be perceived as a person. but at the same time that is humiliating. i do not think anyone would ever think nice things about me. i am not really a person to other people. and no one will ever cry over me, think about the pain i am in, or have been put through by the world, no one will feel a deep and flushed burning in their throat about what i have gone through, and no one will ever see me as myself. i am horribly ugly, i am no one but me when i am alone, and around others i do not exist. i will never be respected, cared about, thought about, discussed, or tangentally considered a person at all. i am just nothing.
today i am writing a poetry contest entry, like i say i do everday this month. i cannot think at all. i am humiliated by the world, and no one thinks i am brilliant, no one thinks i am intelligent, and even i think i have the most rot wrecked brain.
1.26.23 + 12:45
today i cleaned a lot. i cleaned so much, i had two trashbags of things i picked up off the floor. i can finally walk on one part of the floor again. i was supposed to have therapy today, but it fell through. i am mad. today i felt just. neutral. maybe melancoly. i have work 8 days in a row the following week, yes 8, so i will really be trying to be a good person. i was invited to go to hot pot, but i am not sure i will go. i don't think i have the social strength. i just want to see my therapist. she is the only perosn i want to see, and i want to see her in person. i lit a candle to make my room smell nice, its haunted hayride, and its a very pretty stormy cloud purple.
1.24.23 + 4:44
im back to posting diary entries. and working on the site in general. after i got very sick, i basically did not move for 2 weeks. i felt no ability to be anything. i spent everyday wanting so badly to go on my computer, even after recovering, but felt as if i had no ability to be alive. i felt discouraged from life really. which is not so different to how i usually feel. but for some reason i just could not approach work on my computer, i could not write or draw. it was like an intense mental block, my body would not move, my mind would not think in any way. my life feels disgusting. it feels like they are peeling off my face. humiliating me. being alive for me feels like i am being violently touched and puked on and my body is puking and i am puking. i do not feel as if anyone is understanding of me. i want to be purified. i want to be broken off. i want to be ethereal. and i want to be nothing, i just want to be cool and pure and nothing. my disgust reaction to words and phrases is even more intense. the disgust aura is so stong i can't say things, i can't go places, i can't do many things. i feel helpless. and i feel hopeless. when does it ever change. i do not think it will really ever get better. i want so badly to be pure. to be myself. to look like myself. i want to be nothing. i want to be nothing. i want to be nothing. i want to be nothing. i want to be nothing. i do not look forward to anything. my pain means nothing. no one holds me. i do not hold myself. i am broken in the cold and i will decay and be pure again one day. i hate.
tonight, i made bone broth with spinach and shirataki noodles. then i drank apple cider vinegar with prickly pear water. then i bathed in baking soda apple cider vinegar and my goddess bath milk. i hope i will purify myself. i hope i will be cleansed of all the evil inside of me, of all the ugly and molested parts. i hope i will wake up in the sweet clean rain. i hope i won't be awake at all. i hope i will be pure at peace.