1.30.24 + 3:08 AM

CONVERSION DISORDER + BUNNY

smoking coworker and i went out for her birthday even though her bday was mid january, the 16th. i made her a laminated keychain, of her ponysona i painted for her, and a cute little french prayer card. it looked really crappy but its the best i can do with the materials i have. i thought it was cute, and i gave her the giftcard i got her. we went to chili's, i got liquor but only drank a little. alcohol just makes me feel like i am really sleepy and on benadryl, literally it just feels like an antihistamine. we went to the mall after, and shopped around, went and got makeup and went and got her some new clothes. i tried to pay for as much as i could. i just wnated to make her happy. we got boba too.

we're driving away from the mall, run over this horribly gigantic and deep pothole that takes out our front tire. four other people got their cars damaged too, they were calling tow trucks and having to change and get spare chargers. my smoking coworker, poor girl, called her mother who just yelled at her, i felt so horrible. her father came and picked her up, got her car towed and got a new tire for her, thank god. the male bookseller came and picked me up after i called him. i don't know why, i feel sick thinking that i wanted him to help me.
me and him went out to eat after, so i had two dinners. then we picked up two other booksellers and went to a midnight release or something the store was doing. talked a bunch with other employees and had a good time. drove home, and saw four deer by my house. i hope it is the angels telling me that they are protecting me, and that i will be okay. they were all does, fluffy big white bellies, and none of them flashed their tails, just calmly skipped and walked through the snow.
took a picture of a beautiful church window.

1.27.24 + 12:32 AM

REPULSION AND MISERY

yearning, and knowing, and silence rebounding through me. i am very sick inside. my body lays ontop of a shelf, heavy and full of blood, so much so. though i have time off work, this internal pain does not end. i cried very angrily during therapy. we talked about violation and body invasion. inside little fragments are moments of purity or safety, but i cling and touch them too much and my hands all bleed, i try to hold it to my breast and instead it cuts me open along my sternum. i am sick, and bloated. i draw painfully, and i want to bang my head into a wall. my therapist says its only normal for me to be repulsed. i suck on my own skin to try and comfort myself, and i am very much stuck as a very ugly baby, swollen stomach and waddling endlessly, crawling and drinking from the piss soaked floor. i wish the angels on the counter would spill milk or pet my head. i would be a good puppy.

i continue to go out, and feel sick even though it is supposed to be nice. i feel sick even when i do not work. i feel sick and impossible. i painted my nails.

for some reason, this kind of numb, gorging, social expansion and contact makes me feel so violated and repulsed. i do not want closeness. i want closeness in a strange way. something has changed in my body and brain, and it is swelling and killing me. nothing ever seems to be good enough for this broken and ugly undead thing i am. i know that being miserable and hopeless does nothing if you cannot act to change it, and just saying it, may let it go and let it wither and become ashes. i will look out into the dark grey sky, fast moving, cold and alone, walking through empty fields and cemeteries. ill drown in cold water, and let some saint wash the hair of my dead and cold thing, and he'll wonder at how such a terrible and perverted thing hid from god's eyes for so long, to grow and become overwhelming to itself, to crawl around blindly, dragging itself, smearing its heart and stomach along the floor of the earth, and the saint will try and turn me back into something to go to heaven, pure and innocent, but he'll find there was never any part of me that existed like that.

i will dream of heaven and being tied up on the carpet floor, and i won't remember anything at all.

things will get better. i will metamorphosize. i will curl up and wake up in the cathedral pews again, and i will feel a good kind of sickness, familiar and safe, and i won't be so afraid and lost and my face won't be numb. my heart will beat fast and loud, or maybe not at all, but i'll remember it beating, and i'll come back and be beautiful and soft, and i'll kiss hands and beg for forgiveness.

1.19.24 + 2:46 PM

CAFFEINE

i only got two hours of sleep, and today i work two shifts, one in the morning and one closing. i am writing this at work, i brought my laptop in to use between the shifts, but i am so awfully tired that i cannot even keep myself upright, i do not know how i will get through closing lol. i drank a coffee this morning, maybe i just need another. im just so tired right now.i need and wish my brain to reset into work mode so it will just go into overdrive and i can make it through the day.

continuing to go out with the male bookseller. we went to a small little prayer cathedral at night. i wanted to go inside because the door was open, and there were all these candles you could get. it was so beautiful in there. it was cold outside but i just couldn't help but stand outside and be in awe of how pretty. i am so tired and my brain doesn't work. my therapist is sick again so i had to do a phone call. my arms and legs are falling asleep. i just need to get through work. i just need to get through work. i should not have stayed out all night but i was having fun. i have tomorrow sunday and monday off if i don't get called in. it will be the first weekend i have off in months. i just hope i will get to enjoy it. also, i bought a bunch of movies cause they were buy four get six free at this shop, and i got a bunch of the resident evil cgi movies i was so so happy.
praying over my coffee for it to give me strength and sensibility.

1.14.24 + 8:10 PM

DISHES

you guessed it. today as soon as i woke up i had a text from my store telling me they needed me, and had wanted me there two hours ago. so i got called in early. i was supposed to buy the giftcard and the other present for my smoking coworker, but i had to go into work immediately instead, so now i feel really bad. but at least i worked. it was so. crazy. busy. the dishes we had were literally two feet high. we ran out of plates because we had no one to wash them while we had to take customers, so we couldn't restock. it was just awful. but the close went fine in the end because i shut everything down early so we could catch up. then of course, because this is how it always go, tomorrow was supposed to be my day off, but they need me to come in to close. so. i am going in to close.
at least i am working. i will be a hard worker. so i will not be lazy or bad. i feel tired. my eyes hurt and are all glazed over and constantly tearing up. ugh. i just need to not be lazy. i just need to be good. thats all.

1.14.24 + 12:58 AM

PHANTOMLY

well, on wednesday i did go out with that male bookseller. he took me an hour away to a whole different state, to go to a museum. it was. interesting. first, you should have seen my face when i saw the hour and fifteen minute time on his gps, i was almost sure he was going to kill me. it was very beautiful, and the meal we went to afterwards was nice too. drove the hour back to our state, then got ice cream and drove around some more until late in the night. he did not touch me, nor kiss me, nor make any romantic gestures towards me. it was, fine. i guess i just don't feel much. i spoke to my therapist, and was irate about it though. i hate having my nervous system tied to another person. though i have reactive attachment disorder, attachments are particularly difficult in that my body is so painful about them. and i don't want to be emotionally vulnerable or involved. i am not sure what i want, i feel like, a very strange nothingness, like putting your hand in water so hot it is cold on your nerves, like a soft blanket of cool kisses, despite your skin peeling and boiling off. it feels like my body is turning blue, that my breath has been shrunken and sucked from me. i feel like a ghost.

the one piece i loved at the museum was Bystander by Mari Katayama, the photo of her by the ocean laying on the pillows. it was gorgeous, she is so beautiful. i had seen a lot of the photocollection online before, but to see it in person i was in awe. i went back to the piece three or four times to stare at it. i loved it. i love it.

my therapist was not very helpful about this, i got so angry about going out with the male bookseller, despite nothing bad happening and it all being very cordial. is it that i feel helpless? pathetic? i have even tried to be intense around him, to almost try and prove that i am not worth this man's time, but he's countered with extreme grace and understanding. i hate that even more. he was speaking well of his mother, and how much he loved her, and he asked me "is this too painful for you? when i speak about my family, does it make you upset?" not verbatim but along those lines, and he came at it with what seemed nonjudgement, and offered to me that if it ever bothers me too much to tell him to lay off talking about his family. i don't care. i just don't care. it doesn't make me angry, it doesnt make me feel anything. i wish i could articulate what i'm feeling, because it feels like there is such a swelling in my chest and throat that i cannot swallow down, uncomfortable, angry, and helpless. i feel like a rabbit dragging along its battered body in the snow.

he then came to get me at ten at night last night, and we spent until 2 am talking in his car after we got some coffee. we talked about scary stories and lots of stuff. again, he made no move to touch me, kiss me, or anything. it's just strange for me. i feel like a cloth doll, or dough maybe. i just feel like i am dead. this is coming across as very scatterbrained and inexplicable, because it is. i can't articulate how i feel in the right way. and therapy did not help me understand it either.

drew some cute lambs in therapy. i am making a ponysona keychain for my smoking coworker. tonight we scream-sang korn and pearl jam in her car as we smoked. her birthday is soon. she asked me to make her a ponysona so that is what i am doing for her present, and also i will get her a giftcard.

what's wrong with me. i feel like it is because there's no more snow. it all melted with the rain and now i feel sick again. the four days off i had, every single day i was called and asked to come in, but i said no each time. i know that is lazy of me, but i can't help it. it hurts a lot for some reason. i just feel like my head has fallen off my body.

1.8.24 + 11:08 PM

MELT

.. i got called in early to work today. today was originally my day off until i picked up a shift, and then they called me in early ontop of that. then, while im at work, a coworker asks me if i can take her opening shift tomorrow. i said now. i felt very cruel and lazy to say no, but i am really tired. my back hurts, and i feel like i am not functioning very well. i left the stove on the other night for two hours and it burned the bottom of the pot i used to make udon in. my brain feels like it just wants to cool off in the snow and let off steam as the snow and ice hisses and billows around it. i want to enjoy the now, four days off i have. i want to write and draw, and i do not want to work right now. i feel bad cause i could work her opening shift but i feel like i have been picking up shifts and getting called in early all the last month, so i feel like it is not so bad. i hope it is okay.

i am going out with that male bookseller on wednesday. i think i am going to text my therapist beforehand, because i am very afraid. i don't even know why im doing it. he is at least very nice and kind to me, very sympathetic, or it only seems that way.

i did some nice latte art today that i will post at the end, my senior barista was really impressed when i showed them. i am just hoping i am not going down bad path, or having terrible luck, and that i am not getting sucked down into hell. the snow is very beautiful, but it is very very icy. i want it to snow some more. i just want to rest in the sweet cold, and think of nothing else but the pillow of winter.

1.7.24 + 10:48 PM

SITTING

oh boy. it just never ends. last night the snow came in for the east coast storm, and i woke up at 9 to a call from the manager telling me that a. we had a delayed opening by an hour, and b. the opener called out, so i had to come in early to open. originally my shift was 11-6, but now it was going to be 10-7. so we got on the highway and it's not plowed. slipping and sliding, just tons of snow. all coming down bright and clear, can't see ahead of you. get to work, someone's trying to open the door, he's like are you open? im like we have a delayed opening. how tf are you driving on that dangerous highway to get a fucking book??? literally there were cars strewn all over the sides of the road. i get in there, i open, i take a chair in the back cause i don't care i'm not standing for 9 hours. i sit. and no one comes in. literally, had 15 customers in total today. i can count on my fingers and remember each individual drink and food item they got.

nearly the entire staff called out today, but at least no one came in. the people who did come in, i was just wondering the whole time, what the fuck are you doing here? whatever. i just sat alone for 4 hours and did prep. then thank god, neither of the closers for cafe called out. i thought at least one of them would. everyone was snowed in. had to shovel with the male bookseller to unbury a path to the dumpsters, trash didn't even fit inside. ridiculous. he lended me his gloves. i bought natural born killers on dvd for five dollars.

drove home, roads weren't as bad. but took my ride an hour to drive up. at least the way back wasn't so bad. i think it was an okay. the snow makes me feel okay. maybe my issues with feel disconnected are due to the lack of snow and visual recognition. i dunno. i try and think of anything to make sense. i feel so tired. and i made the mistake of picking up a shift tomorrow when it was supposed to be my day off. but i need the money. it's good to work i guess. i just want to feel like myself again.

1.4.24 + 5:17 PM

SNOWGLOBE

i had an iced matcha i made today. i shouldn't be drinking iced drinks, but i guesss i just wanted to see how pretty it was in the glass. i went to therapy in person today, i was so happy. i talked about my dreams.

1.1.24 + 11:22 PM

CINNAMON

new tea i had today, called banana pancakes. good with honey and with these vanilla filled danish cookies i had. the sugar is all sparkly. was really delicious. had another terrible dream, soft colors, sweet blues and creams, but was so sick, tasted the shit in my mouth, had to swallow the cold disgusting slick, woke up and felt like shit. didn't do my laundry for good luck, going to burn cinnamon when i take my shower and do my laundry tomorrow. everything feels so fluid and thin. i bought a new purse and a rosary and they are both very beautiful i think. i want to make a cute page for my bag and trinkets, but i don't know when i'll get to it.

i don't know when i'll get to anything. i can't wait until i have my days off from work. i didn't get to do my chalkboard on my new years eve shift, so hopefully i'll get a chance to do it tomorrow. this time last year i was so sick for so long, and didn't write any entries for january besides one or two. i entered that poetry contest this time last year too. i think i need to be productive this month again too.

i don't know. im in a lot of distress with these feelings of disconnection. it is so unbearably painful for me, it makes me cry, makes me need to vomit, and i just feel so afraid and sick and gone all the time. at least i've avoided getting sick. im grateful for that, so so much. i don't want to get sick.

i just don't have a lot of feeling in myself, like, usually i feel so conencted, and real, and like i can feel my body as a thing, as full of some sort of misty and tormented thing rolling and thrashing inside me, but now i don't feel any sort of ache or life, i just feel, so top of funnel it hurts. it feels like i'm suffocating in nothing, like im in a vaccuum, my body just hurts in painful and taunting ways, and not in the meaningful kind of painful, the kind of painful of a piece of discarded and pissed on carpet. i don't feel like im even me. it is so painful and i don't understand. i'm confused, and lost, very very lost it feels. like i am stumbling and dying in the dark, unable to feel or grasp, unable to understand.

i feel as though someone has taken my brain and fucked it until it became just a mess and splatter of crushed fat and muscle. i feel all watery, on my knees, and dumb. it feels like i am on medication, and it makes me very afraid someone is doing something to me in my sleep. i get so afraid like this, and yet the fear comes out so strangled i just feel like a hard headed sheep, unable to tear away from this trajectory. i feel like i am both drowning in deep water, and my ears and brain are dying from the thinness of the air.

it just feels as though something is so wrong.
i will just have to take it. i just can't articulate this. i have no feelings about the new year or anything, i am not sure, maybe as the month goes on i will have more resolve. i think i will make a vision board. i tried to do an emdr workbook, and it's difficult, i think i need my therapist's help. i really want therapy to be in person this week.

i will throw up my hands in surrender, and then curl up on my knees, and hope for mercy in this dissolving of my self. i will go peacefully, calm and viscous, and let the darkness of dirt just take all the painful parts of me, and eat them. it will be okay.

last year this month, i prayed and wished to be nothing. i guess i am getting what i asked for in a cruel way, or perhaps in a euthenasia way. that i wished to be nothing. i shake my head at that now. this is painful, too. so what do i wish for this year? hope, love, and safety. i am not angry. i am not anything at all. i am nothing right now, but, i think that it'll be okay, when i metamorphose into something pure and dark and soft, and me.