1.30.25 + 10:38 AM

BABY CAKE

no activity just because i'm really disconnected. happy new year.

i have a big pause on not one, not two, but 9 WIP pieces across my coding, painting, and writing. it is kind of ridiculous how much stuff i have paused in progress. i really want to go back to work. now that i'm not seeing my therapist, i feel a bit of pressure relieved. i wish things would work out between me and her, but i just can't stress how much i hate phone calls, and how sensitive i feel to that abandonment i feel when she's constantly rescheduling, no showing, or late to my appointments which i don't want to do on the phone in the first place. i keep feeling like i made a mistake. like i'm being bad, or wrong for breaking up the theraputic relationship. i wasn't making a lot of noticable progress anyways, i don't think she was exactly challenging my limiting beliefs and fears in meaningful ways, or at least we weren't making any semblence of progress as far as i felt. i just hope i didn't make a big mistake. i still feel really bad i told her i didn't want to see her anymore. i feel like bad puppy.

back on the horse i go. or at least, try to. i am really jealous, my friend has an awesome desk job, i want one too, i really want one, i am so jealous. i feel bad for being lazy and sick. but where does guilt get you, if it doesn't directly motivate you to real action or spur your sides into change. guilt, if untethered to action, only serves to weigh you down into shame paralysis. so i guess i must get over it.

still working on new look for my website. it's just slow progress, to set up again everything i want to set up. i hope things continue to be okay. i am really happy i am held and blessed. i hope my health improves. i don't know if i wrote about this, but me and bookseller worked on cleaning my room again, and i got a bunch of clothes gone, like 5 trashbags. my room is much cleaner now, that i have so much more room and it is less trash filled. bookseller sucked up all the spiders with a vaccum. i found where the flies were coming from, it was an expired sugar scrub i stored on its side, and the contents had leaked out onto the carpet, and coroded through the mesh metal container i put it ontop of. cleaned that up too. i hope i can find the mental fortitude and discipline to keep things nice. i also got, THE DOG valentine mug, and DIGI CHARAT wonder girls cd drama cd box special version 6 at an antique place. they had the full collection of cd box dramas for digi charat i think expect for one, but they were each 25 dollars so i only got one. i also got some precious moments stuff. we also went to another thrift store, i found a lot of cashmere and wool clothing, and a pretty swan decorative item, i think it's supposed to hold some sort of picture frame but it only has the holder now, and the swans.

i pray for the world.

1.16.25 + 8:55 PM

YOU'VE GOT YOUR GOOD THINGS AND YOU'VE GOT MINE

i wasn't even alive and awake for a single time in 2024. or maybe this part of me wasn't.
i was very sick, but now i'm at least able to be awake. christmas came and went, and so did new years. i spent time at my cousin's house for a while.

i also stopped seeing my therapist. there was a period where we had our regular schedule appointment in person, but then it was phone call, then i waited for her to call and she never did, so we rescheduled for the next day, and she didn't call until 30 minutes in and i didn't pick up, and i texted her i didn't want to see her anymore. was that a mistake? i got so upset and hurt. i need her, but she just can't take care of me. it feel disrepectful to keep going to someone like that who is not able to be there. did i do the wrong thing?

january is not even snow covered.

today david lynch died. i had a period of time in the past where i just sang the radiator song quietly to myself all the time. i really love eraserhead, and i love twin peaks. i feel sad. i cried a lot yesterday and last night.

i went out with friends and they surprised me by bringing me to an arcade to do karaoke, but the room was taken, so i said we should do DDR because i love DDR even if i am not so good. but then bookseller was stomping really hard on the pad and goofing off because he can't play the game very well at all, while i was trying to play, and some person who was an employee who wasn't in uniform came over, who was in a hoodie and drinking beer, and was really angry that bookseller was not playing properly, and then the guy got security, but the security guy didn't care about the situation at all and said we could finish playing because i had already used my credits, but then the hoodie employee unplugged the machine and i started to cry because i was so embarrassed, and the manager of the arcade came over and tried to offer us free bowling and apologized, and then tried to refund my credits, but i was so embarrassed and upset that i just left the building and sat in the car and cried. bookseller took my card and got my credits refunded, and said the staff said this was a recurring issue with that guy. i was not using the machine wrong because i know how to play, it's so stupid, but i was just too upset and embarrassed. i was not using the machine improperly, i had the right shoes and i was trying to get a good score.

planning on working on complete site rehaul. not sure what i'll do with all my old diary stuff. at least because i am not so sick i can start working on my computer again.