7.30.23 + 10:05 PM

SLEEP RELIEF

my sleep is completely destroyed. im taking the supplements and tea at a similar time every night, but i even resist sleep then. even when im tired, exhuasted, or literally unable to read or focus anymore becuase my vision is blurring and my eyes closing, my brain feels completely alert and on edge. its impossible to want to sleep. i literally think that my brain just never feels safe or hopeful or loved, and so its constantly needing that deep brain comfort stimulation that comes with watching something, listening to music, reading, or anything that involves pleasing it. i feel desperate, needy, and stupid. RAD hell hole. i can't believe july is over. just like i couldn't believe june was over. time goes by like its nothing in my fingers. and i don't make progress. im still stuck in a cradle of putrefaction, and i sit here in this adult body still stuck in that moment.
i want to be specifically myself in real life. want to bend this corpse into something of a version of myself that isn't disjointed and belly up puppy. oh. i had a terrible time at work. i was sitting down for my break on my phone, just minding my business, when a coworker came up behind me and slapped their hand on my head with a lot of force, like a really really really hard headpat. and i yelled out, and felt my eyes stare and go into nothingness. and it wasn't a jolt yell it was a long and loud cry and was very embarrassing. then the coworker laughed and went "a headpat" and left. how humiliating. i am puppy belly up pleading for mercy, and they step and kick my stomach. i felt my body react and everything hurt and my heart felt like it was crumpling and exploding in pain. i hate being touched, especially so forcefully with such cruelty without notice, and on my head. it made me want to die. it really hurt, it felt like all my nerves exploded at once with the shockwave of the touch.
i pray august will be full of grace and hope.

7.26.23 + 11:33 PM

VALERIAN

How is july ending already? i bought some sleep supplements and sleepytime tea for myself today. i hope it helps me get into a routine, so im not staying up for multiple days at a time. i don't wanna be me. my therapist says im beautiful, and it makes me angry and happy at the same time. angry because i think she's just lying to me, and happy because i want to believe her. my facial distortion is bad, and she talked to me about it today a little. i was getting really irritated and antsy, and i act really weird in therapy. like my body just makes itself curl up, start digging my nails in as if i want to crawl out of my skin, and i hunch over. it is strange to think about. i have today and tomorrow off of work. I am walking so much lately because i have so much pacing energy. and i still dont tire myself out. do i need to be physically tired? or just emotionally or mentally? i can't curl up like a dog, can't circle myself at all. i just circle forever. my therapist got a new office, and its blue and nice. i think she did a good job decorating. she is encouraging me to talk to the coworker i like about doing stuff outside of work. i don't think i could do that at all, it makes me so uncomfortable and angry to think about, isn't that the stupidest thing ever. hatred RAD.

7.24.23 + 10:44 PM

TOURNIQUET

feeling like absolute garbage. i walked a ton today and it didn't help. tried to draw and nothing i do has a soul in it, or comes out right. i feel like i am an autumn leaf all crunchy and torn up. i don't feel good. or is that true.. im not sure. i just feel like my heart is heavy, my chest is empty, and i don't know how my therapist says i am functioning well. i feel like a complete loser and failure. i think about how i don't dream, don't feel. how i randomly just quit my medication two years ago after my psychiatrist dropped me and i couldn't build the courage to call the hospital to get a new psychiatrist. how i just let everything fly right by me, smack my face and knock the wind out of me, and i just can't get up off the ground. my therapist took the little piece of paper with the plan on it out of my binder and showed it to me, saying if its still something i want to pursue i can. i want to smoke an entire pack of cigarettes, and then some. i feel so nothing, so cold inside, but its the kind of coldness that just feels like nothing instead. like i've sawed off all these parts of me for survival, and now im just crawling around bleeding out and everyone is clapping and petting my head telling me good job, but also kicking my ribs and telling me i am bad. that doesn't make enough sense, but its the visual i see.

happiness for kindness. hatred for suffering and loss and longing. i'll metamorphosize. i know itll turn around. i try to wear myself into exhaustion, i try to do anything. but its all ash in my hands. don't understand what to do now. i need to dream, need to fix myself into anything, need to dig myself up. i shake myself awake. what do i do! where am i going! is there someone who loves me out there trying to find me? is there a safeness in this world, a cradle of bathroom sink i can curl up in! but i don't wake up, and my body falls apart in my hands. i need to dream again. please angels give me guidance. please help me through this tunnel. im sick to death. im lost! im lost! im lost! and i can't find my way out!

7.22.23 + 10:25 PM

HOPE AND HEALING FOR BEREAVED PARENTS

passed by the billboard again. it makes me think each time i pass about. fight club, wanting to go for support because your life is so empty of nothing. i imagine grieving myself. but it won't make any sense. im permanently me. the younger version of me is just me right now. im always me. how do you grieve yourself before the pain if it was just always there? if i go back in time, id just smash my brain into the carpet, and dig my fingers in that little girl's throat, and throttle her until she died, so i'd die too. she doesn't react at all to anything. she's me, i'm her. and there's no point of separation, no point of, this was me before, this was me after. i am permanently stuck in fetal. stuck in that point where i died, where i've never grown or developed from the point my wings were clipped off, torn out of my scapula, split in my sternum and gutted my angel organs.
i've been having migraines, been trying to eat, been trying to sleep. i don't know what to do. i have been feeling really yearning recently, really sad about things, really longing for things. it makes me feel like my heart is a bit tight and soft. i try to imagine concepts that i've never experienced. i think about thigns i love, think about myself and what i want. i think about how i want it to be autumn for some reason. how i want to have friends and how i want to live a safe life. i long for something soft and safe and peaceful. and i can't think about anything anymore without craving some sort of comfort, somewhere to curl up. maybe that's why i think of autumn. of sucker punch and halloween. i just feel alone, and my insides are all wet and rainy, smells like patchouli and ending.

7.21.23 + 6:37 PM

SUNSHOWER

hope and pray to every angel for relief and release and hope. to hold me. i walked in the thunder and the rain, in the sun as it came down, and made my hair long. i hurt myself by breathing in this sunshower rain. i hear the thunder, feel the warmth on my face, feel the rain all over me and i walk and walk and don't stop. it turns dark and loud, and i want to stand outside and let myself disappear in the wind and rain. i want the thunder up inside me, collapsing and crumpling me into nothing in the downpour. i wish, it would come hold me, the loudness, the overwhelming arms of thunder come and make me nothing again, hold me so close until im gone. i feel its washed out purple darkness in my bones, splintering my body up in its entirety. let it wash me away into oblivion. take its great thundering hands and let it pound away at my face until im smeared all over the rain soaked ground, let it wash me away, into something sweet and new and good and safe. angel guardian come rescue me in the sun shower, are you watching over me? are you coming to hold me?
i can't stop thinking about this internal muscle spasm cramp i had that made me clutch my chest and stomach. usually i don't react to internal pain like that unless it is somatic intensity, i think about the pain and my reaction. i think about it. thunder collapse my body into nothingness, and scatter me in the dark of night.
i love you firefly sparkler night.

7.17.23 + 12:52 AM

ANOTHER LONG DAY

i have stayed up for about 36 hours. i worked three days of 8 and a half hour shifts. i can't sleep tonight. i can't sleep at all. im so endlessly restless. i haven't napped. i only drank coffee in the morning today, and it was just one shot of espresso. i don't feel the exhaustion anymore. i just feel the rush in my muscles, my calves tightening and keeping their form, ready. ready, ready. pound of flesh. is my consciousness endless? no. it will sleep eventually. i even walked for a half hour, and i ran around in circles for some time. i haven't eaten. i don't feel the urge. but its different than my disconnect. i don't feel it. i don't feel anything. is it painful? i don't feel it. the exhuastion won't set in. and i keep going. circle circle circle. run run run. i am a little piece of flesh.
my legs erupt like thunder when i sprint, in little circles, pacing pacing pacing. i feel like im stretching and dying. please guide me. please hide me. press me somewhere safe and lace ridden, somewhere sweet and cradled. press me up inside. i erupt like split yolks. i piss myself. i don't feel anything. and its all so fuzzy. its all blurring together, and i can't process whats infront of me.

7.15.23 + 10:33 PM

BEREAVEMENT

i closed alone today. i did all the dishes and did all the mopping. i don't feel anything today. i leave everything behind, and i peel all the skin off. and i let the sweat bubble and flow down me, as i foam and die. is it painful? yes. is it penance? i hope so. i don't feel anything running down the highway. i look at the bereavement billboard, and i wish i had died. i wish to be held, to be done with it at all. to be given a small cushion, a bodybag, to be held in. a wrap of sheets of nothing so that my body may drip all the decay away. i feel nothing. i want to do nothing. i don't care, and i don't feel.
is it humiliation? i don't care. do you know what its like to never be held? i don't care. i imagine the feeling of the sink on my bare skin, i feel how hot the water is, and i don't feel it at all. i think about being undressed at work, and i think about the embarrassment of this molting. but it feels like nothing. id gladly give this pound of flesh im clawing off. if it means. something good and pure and angel love and new. do i hurt myself and give it up? do i leave my body behind. i can feel it poking, peeling, a sack of decay and decomp fluid sits underneath my skin, and when i rub my chest and shoulders i feel it seeping and exploding, pissing myself.
no, im at the top of the funnel. no, im outside of it. im not myself. not right now. im just in nothingness. envelop me, in all this flesh i've given, envelop me, in hope and care. i learn to suffer. i've learned to suffer, and be good. i can be good. im very good.
please, do not be cruel to me.

7.12.23 + 11:53 AM

GIGANTIC BUG CORPSE

i got dumped today. saw a huge black beatle crushed on the ground. do i feel sad? i don't know. im so disconnected. it doesn't make me feel anything. i don't know. i love the angels. and i love when i am listened to. i don't feel anything at all. i don't cry, i don't know. but, i am alone now. and that's what i know. i have therapy today. i don't think about anything. a coworker said to me i should serve food in a hospital. but i don't think about it at all. i don't think about anything.
i want to smoke more. what will it like being single? im not sure. after my last big relationship, i totally lost my marbles. but now. i just feel like nothing.

7.10.23 + 8:45 PM

UNEXPECTED

having to nurse myself back to health alone. everything is painful and sore. my heart feels like a big wound under my ribs. feels like someone is punching me in the diaphram. i went to a f********m***********ly reunion thing in another state. and i loved my room so much, so small, like living on my own. i was actually sad to leave the room. it felt weird. i became attached to having that solitude and happiness in such a short time. of course, everyone just talked about how disappointing and bad i was. its like they thought i couldn't hear. i am ashamed. no one would really talk to me anyways, i can hold a conversation somewhat but i don't think anyone was really giving me a chance. it took a lot for me to go on this outing too, they were saying everyone was asking about me and wanted to see me, but i knew that wasn't really true. i even wore a bikini. and of course my younger cousins all asked about my scarring on my stomach and chest. it was kind of embarrassing but they're too cute. everyone in my family is having babies and children. i feel so inadaquate. i feel so alone.
i was able to bathe, brush my teeth, and eat in my own room which made things better. i tried to take it slow with how much i socialized, but its not like anyone was seeking me out or wanting to talk to me. so it was okay. i missed breakfast nearly everyday though haha. i don't know. i can't feel anything. i had another reiki appointment today, and it made me feel light and fuzzy. she had me pull a tarot card, and i got an eagle! i hope it is a good sign.
i bought a pack of natto for breakfast for the next few days when i go back to work. i got a new keychain and stickers. i don't know what im doing. i just want to feel better. and i want. to belong in this world.

7.5.23 + 3:52 PM

WHATEVER

i ran and walked in circles last night for about 20 minutes straight. just circle circle circle circle circle circle. i ate a snack, which gave me a very strange hospital memory that played in front of my face. it was really weird. i don't know how my snack was a trigger for it but the memory played in front of my eyes. i am trying to cope. i got a honey flat white today, and i felt really strange drinking the coffee. the taste of it made me think of some other memory. i've been having weird memory triggers a lot lately. where they just play in front of my eyes and i can't stop them. different smells, organ weights inside me, and tastes. it all makes me think that my angel is coming soon. i am praying for that.
another reality distortion. thought a sign said "sex slave salvation" when it said something about saving the environment. i don't think about anything. i don't believe in any people. im falling back out of the funnel, im outside of all of it, im in the end of the brain. i don't sleep. i don't feel anything. i miss being dead. i want to be asleep and safe and away from this life.
i am going on a trip to a f**************************m************************ly get together. i hope i don't freak out. i feel strangely calm and disconnected. i have ran around in circles for about an hour now. i walked around outside in circles for another hour. i just want to feel the energy in me dissipate. like theres something riling inside of me. i am happy to not have to work for a few days, even if it means less money.
i bought a bathing suit the other day. the cashier complimented my choice a lot. it made me feel so embarrased. like there's something wrong with me. like she was taking pity on how ugly i was. i tried to make a funny comment about being more of a wallpaper than a paint girl. uh. it felt so awkward. i felt like she was judging me, thinking i was such an ugly girl, why would an ugly girl like me want a bathing suit. to show off its deformed ugly body. i should have bought a one piece. who is even going to want to see my gigantic surgical and abuse scars. i feel like an idiot now.
i feel strangely disconnected.

7.3.23 + 1:55 PM

BATHING AGAIN

why is it so hard. to do this. to live. i didn't sleep at all and went to work. i ran a bunch yesterday, and then didnt go to sleep. and i was up since 7 am. and now i've been up for more than 24 hours again. and now I'm not tired again. because it just spins in circles. i can't bathe, can't eat. i don't feel anything. i don't really feel the tiredness my body is feeling. it doesn't feel like anything on my brain. my inside of my brain is restless, never ending, if it stops i will be swept up and smashed onto the pavement. ow!!!