7.27.24 + 1:21 AM

MY LAST DAY

today was my last shift. i clocked out 25 minutes late, at 9:56 PM. goodbye old job. i was so angry. apparently some barista was telling the girl bookseller that the male lead "tried so hard to get on lisa's goodside". that has enraged me so badly, i was screaming in the car on the way home i was so angry. how did he even once try to get on my good side, besides not doing his job. male bookseller says hes just a liar. that i don't fall for that type of bullshit and i see through it, and all the other lazy workers don't so that's why they all like him. it literally just makes me feel crazy, like somehow i'm the bad guy, i'm the complete cunt for not letting this man walk all over me and be lazy and not do the necessary parts of his job and just let him leave early whenever he wants all the time and let him call out every weekend. i'm the bitch for not letting him be on my good side. it's not only that he got two promotions within the first year when i had to beg for one over 2 and a half years, but also because he is just plain terrible at his job. i am still in work brain mode, so i think i'm still viewing this information like i'll have to continue to go to work with all those people. but i know he's just going to lie about me nonstop, and all my hard work will be for nothing. it infuriates me to no end. it's just not fair.

my close was so late tonight because i was just so dead set on making it the best close possible. i was so upset because i just knew no one was going to appreciate it and all my hard work was for nothing, but i can't help it. for my own integrity, i had to make it perfect, just how i'd want every close to be. so, i made it the best i could. filled everything, prepped all the overnight items, made it all like it was supposed to be. just how i like it. i'll have to do an entire recap of this job soon. my manager even came in today to say goodbye to me. and my old lead came too. it was nice. to be acknowledged. no more monthly chalkboards. i bought a bunch of books today too. it all feels so strange.

7.26.24 + 1:02 AM

TOILET DRAIN

tomorrow is my last shift ever at my work place. i think i am going to post all of the chalkboard drawings i did for work. since i will be leaving. i feel really sick. and it feels like everything is just wrong. i don't feel good about anything anymore. even though i know that if i kept working at that place i would most likely end up hurting myself or working myself into a nervous breakdown, i don't feel good. i like to feel like i am doing my best to be productive, and quitting si something i do not like to do, because it feels so wrong and bad and like i am a failure. so now i feel lazy and stupid for even doing so, even though i know staying there is one of the worst decisions i could make, and would most likely make me worse off in the long run, i still can't help but feel sick inside. i peeled off some nail polish 2 months ago and it still sits in a pile of little chips on my desk.

they installed the new bake case yesterday. they removed the old one that had been there since the cafe was installed, and bleached the floor under it, then the new one was put in. white and new and smaller and brighter. very strange to see. it feels completely different back there now. out with the old in with the new i guess. my manager's last day was today, and she left early so she would not have to put away an order that came in. they are not making the guy who got the promotions over me do any ordering. he still refuses, so now they're making a BOOKSIDE MANAGER do the ordering instead. that is just crazy. im so glad i'm leaving. im making little flashcards with closing tasks so that the new hires will have some bit of a guide. i feel bad leaving. i wish i could keep working with all the friends i made there forever even if i hate social connection and emotional intimacy, but that is not real life, and all my cafe friends are gone, and smoking coworker likes promotion guy over me, so i guess that's my cue. i feel sadder than ever. so disappointed, discarded. today i had lunch with the woman i'm house sitting for. i'm excited to house sit but it's overshadowed by the fact i feel like i'm falling into an endless pit of loss. i don't know what to do with myself.

today me and male bookseller went to the big fancy uptown mall and shopped. i got a way too expensive dress, and a way too expensive lounge shirt, but the dress is the cutest thing in the world, brown with pink polka dots and two big bows on the hips. it ties behind your neck. i think it's so cute, though i guess it's technically a romper because it has shorts instead of a skirt but it looks like a dress so i count it as one. i also got a magnesium soap, and a facial cleanser which i used tonight but i don't like the facial cleanser at all. it's a bit of a drive so i probably won't end up returning it so i'll have to make some use of it. the mall was fun, but i got tired and sleepy halfway through, and they didn't make my drink with no sugar so male bookseller went back to ask for a different drink with no sugar but they still gave me sugar at the boba place in my tea so i was upset but it was alright i guess. i feel so awful right now. like i have a stomach ache in my head. i'm so nervous and scared and lost. i don't feel like myself at all. it's so hard. today male bookseller asked me if my faith and spirituality had grown at all. i lied and said it had, even though internally i have all the same hangups and terrorizing fears. i feel so paralyzed. i thought i was confident in quitting my job, but now i feel like i should just suffer there to be productive. i think this comes with any big change. i am so so so so bad at change, and i am so so so so bad at fixing things or being proactive it seems. i don't want to fall into endless spiral of misery, but you can imagine what i'd write here. and my therapist had to cancel today too. ugh. tomorrow is my last shift. goodbye old job.

7.24.24 + 12:42 AM

NEW START AND ALSO FEAR

i did it. on sunday. i handed in. my five day notice! not two weeks. five days. i can't do it anymore. i quit my job.!!! i literally go back in my diary and i can see sooo many times where i say im going to quit or i need to quit or how much i hate working htere. but finally i did it. i put my notice in. it doesn't feel real. im pretty sure my brain cannot process the fact that im done.! i don't feel anything when i think about not going to work there anymore. its so weird and strange.

so, my manager had put her 40 day notice in after the last lead quit, and i soon very quickly realized just how badly i needed to go. there was no way i could work with that male barista, the lead who got the promotions over me. my manager had said she really opposed the store manager promoting him, but they didn't listen to her. there was no way i could work with him. i don't like or respect him even, and he's so passive aggressive, and can't even do his job correctly, not doing basic tasks or anything, he left out so many sandwhiches that expired, didn't do any operational sheets or waste checklists, left teas out overnight. and leaves early and always calls out, every weekend without fail. and now he says we shouldnt be using spray bottles because we "shouldn't aerosol anything". what does that even mean. you can literally drink our sanitizer because it is food safe. so i have no idea what he is even talking about because we use the sanitizer on all dishes and pitchers and anything that touches food or drink. but... you know what do i know i didn't get those stupid promotions so obviously i'm the one in the wrong. just bad decision after bad decision, and he wants to enforce ceramics until close, plus not wrapping the case until after close, which is so inconvenient and literally drags out our closing time so bad. but hey, im not going to be working there anymore. it was a very eventful and interesting almost 3 years. 2 and 3/4? i think. i definitely found this job easier and more enjoyable than my last one. it's sad to leave, but there's no way they'll promote me anymore. and they haven't listened to any of my complaints or implemented my ideas. i just don't think there's anymore room to grow, and i don't like the new crew, as they are already calling out.

if i stayed, it would probably be a hundred times worse where i nonstop get called in or do extended shifts (not that i don't already do that now) but it would be so much worse. and having to deal with him as a manager and the only higher up in cafe would i think actually drive me into a mental hospital. i just need to get out of there. reflecting on my time there, i met a lot of interesting people. and i definitely have fond memories. but also stressful memories too. i do feel guilty leaving. obviously, i hate change. i like predictability, and routine. i like knowing the people there and their quirks and how they react. i don't like the unknown. so now that all of OG crew is gone, including me, i have a lot to reflect on. i remember during holiday working with my two leads and smoking coworker and the insane amount of people we served and how fast we had to move, and how it felt very lively and fun to work with people i liked. i remember just doing all closings, never being there during the morning at all. i'll maybe write another posts just recapping a bunch of work stories. but for now. i guess i just have to remind myself why i'm leaving in the first place. i'll find a new job eventually, and i have my house sitting to look forward to. i'm not sure what i'll do next. male bookseller and another girl who works there will update me on how cafe goes once i'm gone.

it doesn't even feel real. i'm not sure how my brain will react once i have not been at that place for a significant time. i feel sick almost. it's been such a huge constant, i don't know what i'll do not being there. seeing the same people. talking to the same people. it'll be bizarre. i hope i can handle the change.

7.20.24 + 2:07 PM

PURITY AND VERY BAD FEELINGS

feeling so low. so unendingly low. i want to watch the piano teacher again. i want to be secure in myself, i want to know i am.

7.19.24 + 1:35 PM

REALLY NOTHING AT ALL

picked up a shift on my day off. i feel unendingly exhausted. don't want to go into work or anything. am i that weak i cannot handle any shift or change? that doesn't surprise me. tired of being doll flesh and ugly. it's like a black hole inside of me, that attracts the same thing over and over again. i feel strained, like the memory lives on and inside my skin, and like my brain is shutting off. like no words can pass through my mouth, and it all just swells up in my tongue and dies, seeping putrefaction all over my teeth and belly. yesterday on the car ride back from the restaurant, i had a sudden and random panic, where i screamed, burst into tears, and began to cry, for no reason at all. uncontrollable, stupidity, and useless display of emotions that mean nothing else other than my brain is irreparably broken and my heart had never been born at all. whatever there is to rectify within myself, i do not know how to or what it is. much less so, am i deserving of that mercy. when i become mute or unable to speak at all, i want to smash my brain into the coutertop, and scream.

it is so embarrassing. i will find something else. i can't wait to house sit, and feel pure and okay. i am happy i am able to sleep, and grateful for that above all else, that my insomnia has weaned to give me the ability to sleep again. i don't know what i will do right now. i just feel very tired and angry all the time. things will change, because that is the one constant.

7.18.24 + 6:25 PM

MEGASTUPIDITY

every day besides wednesday someone tried to get me to go to work and call me in. i never had so much time off so i took it all and didn't go in. i just want to sleep forever. big big big news. my manager is leaving . ,

my manager who hired me, who has been here forever before me, is quitting. it is literally crazy, because i did not expect it at all. her last day is july 25th. i am paralyzed by indecision and fear and stupidity. i don't think they'll offer me management obviously, they haven't even made me a lead. so now. i really really really have to quit. im so mad. this job is so easy compared to other jobs, or i at least think so. it's way easier than the previous job i had. i just don't know what to do. i know i have to leave now. like, actually leave. but im so tired and angry. it could have been a good thing. i could have gotten another promotion if the old crew was still there maybe and things would be fine. but now things are different with different people, and im the only person left from the original crew. im so mad. i am such a loser. i wish i was smart and intelligent and would not fail college so i could go back and get a degree in, something useful. i am also scared i'll just try and kill myself again if i go back to school. my therapist says i should just take small workshop classes. i just don't know what to do.

i guess i should find a new job now. and then quit. and do something. i want to write and be a writer. i am so exhausted and paralyzed.

7.14.24 + 11:47 PM

HOLDING OF SUPINE POSITION

i am very tired, but i need to work a lot and make a lot of money so i should do that instead of letting myself have days off.

i hate writing in here about anything that i am afraid of losing, becuase soon it will be just a reminder that i could have had sweet and kind things, but i do not anymore. i am afraid of losing it all, and connection and happiness dying and shriveling up and putrefaction liquid exploding in my arms. i bruised my arms carrying heavy bags the other day. maybe i'll look back one day and be happy, even though i think it is just an impossibility. the idea that somehow i could flourish and want to live is alien and impossible to me. i hate and resent the presence of others privately to myself inside my muscles, and i hate being alone and isolated and forgotten, though i try very hard always to be positive. my therapist just says its my RAD, the way my brain instinctively responds. i am something half baked, taken early out of the dirt and sewn up to resemble a person. i wish i was beautiful too. i feel undead everyday. i feel, misunderstood by the fact i am alive and conscious.

lately, i wish forever and all the time i was back in last summer. somehow i felt more complete than i do now. even if i was crying of sickness and hurt all the time then too. it felt soft, and determined, and somehow loved. now, i just feel nothing but loss all the time. like i am constantly being dragged away. my dreams are strange and ugly. i want understandable life. but it feels impossible. i wish i could understand.

my manager says i can take as many of her shifts as i want. maybe i should work all of them. i have 4 days off starting tomorrow, maybe i should work all of them instead, so i am not lazy.
i took a hot bath tonight, and my heart was beating so fast. but my muscles and limbs all feel so heavy, and i am tired. at least it made me feel better to do something to make myself clean again. i hope it all makes sense in the end. maybe if i don't work, i can work on stuff at home for drawing and writing. i don't know. i'm so sorry world.

i was happy, because the people i house sat for last year asked me to house sit again. its weird, because my insomnia was so bad then i was crying and shaking the whole time i was there, and i wasn't sleeping at all, but i am excited to house sit again. i really want to go back, and somehow it's a very fond memory. i loved writing and having my own space. i can't wait to go back in september.

7.10.24 + 1:20 PM

COLD ENOUGH FOR NO RETURN

yesterday i spent the whole day coding for bookseller, as he wanted to make a site. so i simply took it upon myself to make a template for him. i will never allow him to follow or see my website. that is too personal, and it something that is just mine, no one else's. but it was fun to make something new and different coding-wise. its a slow day today. yesterday more stupidity with everchanging rules that don't make sense. like wanting to do ceramic plates all day, instead of doing paper for late night when people order in house, that just leads to more dishes and an overwhelming amount of work, especially last night when i was closing alone. i think it's so stupid. but what am i to do about it. if people want to be stupid they can be stupid. my eyes are swollen and itchy today. i feel really disconnected, but i feel like i always do.

i watched white oleander a little while ago, i can't remember if i wrote about it, but i did, and it was good, i may read the book. i need to read again too. i just feel stupid and lazy despite how i work. need to fix. need to repair. need to get it all in order.

7.6.24 + 10:49 PM

DEAD VOLE AND BABY FOXES

today was difficult. i came into work, and had to unpack the 50 box order of baked good prep, beverage case drinks, and other items. it was difficult and heavy, but i got it done in an hour and 45. the issue was that my manager had told the barista there, not to touch the order that it had a specific way to be done. well, that is not true, and i told her this. unfortunately because of this, when i arrived to work most of the order was thawing or thawed, which i then had to serve immediately, or throw out. i am quick with a box cutter. i need to be more careful and safe though, in case i accidentally hurt myself. i was fast and efficient, and finished in less than 2 hours. then, we had a mega rush. it had been pretty quiet and dead the last few weeks at work because of both our high prices and people on vacation in the summer, but today i think the drive thru across the street was closed, so we were slammed and it was only me and the lead. i was so stressed, i got a bloody nose, and when i tried to change tissues in the back blood splurted super far like a water gun on the floor. they made me take a fifteen minute break. it was difficult but i tried my absolute best. i hope the close will be okay. but i tried to stay positive today. and be nice to everyone, even when i was stressed and had a nonstop line for an hour alone. the male bookseller said people were coming up to his register and asking him if i was really running the cafe all alone, and that they felt bad. but, i did my job.

today on my walk, i almost stepped on a freshly dead vole. it was still soft and furry, not bloated, i think it just had died, not squished or punctured or popped either. just laying there dead. then, when i was walking down, there were two dark fox cubs, running and playing. they saw me, then turned, stayed still a little, and then ran away.! i hope it is a good sign. i am used to seeing lots of deer. they were healthy looking, slim, no injuries or sickness, not rabid, and they seemed to be trying to hunt before ducking when a car passed. it drove slow in case they ran back out again.

i have days were i really try to be positive, and it works. i pray, and i try and get myself fed. i am going to have a biiiig paycheck from all my work.! and things will be okay.

7.5.24 + 10:49 PM

BASE BODY

entrance of hellish nonstop movement and inner bruising.

finally i have gotten to my computer, and have the nerve and energy to write. since my last entry in late june, things have changed a lot, and been very chaotic. the other lead barista quit. and it was very annoying. everyone has just not been showing up or has been giving up or swapping shifts with me, so i have been at work nonstop. i am so mad the other lead barista quit. i literally cried and cried and screamed on the phone with my therapist. things are just not going well. i have so much to update on. work is horrible. i really need to quit. i really need to quit.

bookseller ended up not going to florida. instead, he stayed here, and took me on a mini vacation. we went about an hour away and stayed in a cabin. painful connection, but it was soft to sleep with someone else, have someone take care of me. it hurts so bad, knowing that it is nothing. but he is the only one who will teach me how to drive, and the only one who buys me food and feeds me, and gives me care and non-judgement. i hate the painful feeling of knowing he will leave. i can't think straight. the cabin was fun, we played billiards, there was a rainbow.


it was nice to be comforted and talked down, and to pray and be fine, and no work and calm and safety. but i know its already crumbling and turning to ash. he will not save me, not scoop me up and carry me off. i just hate that i can't have that safety, that care and affection, a kind of selfless kindness and gentleness. angel of suffering. it just is ash inside of my mouth and all over my face and lips. i taste nothing but rain slamming through the sky. it hurts so bad. when i asked if i could keep the blanket we bought to sleep with, i began to sob uncontrollably. like a weak and pathetic needy and ugly thing. when he's kind to me, i just want to disappear into stone, and run far beneath the ground. it hurts so much.

when i came back from my mini vacation, i felt unbelievably stressed. my heartrate is elevated, i can't stop crying, or having outbursts. work is tough and difficult. we have basically no people, only one full time person, because i'm part time, but i'm working full time hours with the sheer amount of shifts i'm picking up and they're having me swap for or stay late for. they tried to call me in on wednesday, but if i worked wednesday i'd be working 10 days in a row. i feel so guilty, and another barista is quitting tomorrow. i feel so stressed, i wake up sick in the morning and get migraines or become sick at work from conversion disorder my therapist says it manifests in stupid stuff like that, not only my digust sense. i don't know what i'll do. as much as i did not like the old crew, when they would belittle me or i would feel othered, it was predictable, easy, they did their jobs, and i was able to feel comfortable in how i knew they would act and behave. now, i feel very isolated and sad, and lonely, if that's even possible more than before.

this morning i went in for an opening shift, and it was terrible. the lead barista left, who got two promotions within the first year over me, apparently just doesn't even know how to do his job. there were teas left out on the counter overnight, none of the food that expired was thrown out, it was incorrectly marked, none of the sandwhiches that expired were discarded, no sandwhich prep was done so i didn't have any sandwhiches thawed available. the operational checklist that needs to get done every night was not done, and there were no PM temps marked which also gets done every night. nothing was even prepped for me, so i had to make a bunch of ingredients that we need for our drinks this morning with only 30 minutes ontop of cleaning and discarding all waste and prepping and doing all the usual opening tasks. then it turns out he left early. i don't know why they promoted him. i am not surprised by this. his closes are always missing something or he forgets to do multiple things. why he is above me i will never know. i want to leave so bad. i want to leave so bad. but i'm just so scared, about how things will go. i am not sure, how i will go about this. it seems everyone is incapable. and no one trained me to do the lead ordering tasks, which the other lead, he does not even know how to do as a lead?! both other leads left and did not train me even though they said they would. i am so scared. i will pray. please give me angel of suffering mercy.

i need to be myself. i have been away from my computer so much with work. i am tired, and exhausted, and i want a new job. i don't know, i don't even want to work as a barista at any corporate setting, i want a small cafe with nice machines. i want to be small and soft, and just fall away into pieces. i pray to the angels to wrap me and bathe me in mercy. i pray for hope and safety. i really need to leave this job. i need things to work out. im so tired and hopeless. but life goes on as it will. i just hope, things will change and i will receive guidance and wisdom. i am trying to be myself and have time outside of work more, but it is hard when people are constantly dumping shifts on me. i just want to cry. this job is honestly an easy one, its just the people that make it difficult.