7.25.25 + 2:32 AM

LAUNDRY

i did so much laundry today in order to prepare to go to my cousins. bookseller asked me if i'd ever consider moving in with him. i gave him a long list of things that owuld make me feel secure before i did that. i feel. weird. i'm excited to go to my cousin's house. i hope maybe i will have some time to update my website on my phone if i can. i know we're doing a lot of baking, and more fires.

i'm working on some new assetts for the website, as well as coding a completely new layout. this has been in the works for so long, but i guess i'm just slow because i really want this to be good. i'm excited to refresh my site, and update it.

I've been really dedicated to my workout routine. every other day i workout for about an hour, i've already written this, but i want to continue to commit to becoming physically stronger and better. i'm also gathering all the recorded dreams i've had for my therapist, so that i can look them over with her. i hope it will get me somewhere. i'm always scared i'm not making enough progress.

i baked some cakes for my friends birthdays.

my blonde friend's cake was a vegan berry chantilly cake, strawberries, blueberries, raspberries, and black berries in the middle, with mango-peach jelly inside. the cake is princess cake flavored vanilla, and are vegan, but i got the wrong vegan creamcheese so the frosting was awful, i had to make regular dairy frosting, and she didn't mind that much. it was excellent tasting. her mother tried it, and said i need to open up my own bakery, or start selling cakes to people. and she's a very picky woman. bookseller said i should call my bakery "la petite patisserie". i thought it was funny. i piped the minion on top, i think it came out really cute, even if it's not the cleanest image of a minion.

bookseller's cake was a sesame-vanilla cake, with black lime soak, key lime mousse, and graham cracker crumble. i made it after watching a video, the cake looked so good in the video i knew i had to make it for him. it was a very stressful cake making process, i didn't know if the mousse would set properly, and i couldn't use a food processor for the graham crackers. but the cake turned out amazing, i even shyly asked for an extra slice a few days later, how embarrassing.! i liked my own work too much. next time i would not do sesame again, the flavor was too overpowering, i would just do vanilla or lemon cake.
then, for bookseller's father's birthday, i made oatmeal carrot cake cookies, and filled them with brown butter cream cheese frosting, like an ice cream sandwhich. they were a total hit, and he said his father loved them and he thought they were great. i can't wait to go to my cousin's house, because we are going to be baking so much there. i will update everyone with new pictures of our baking adventures when i come back. when i come back, i'll be going to a convention with bookseller in the city. that will be a fun trip to talk about too.



things i want to do while at my cousins:
work out every other day as usual
read 20 pages of a book everyday
do yoga at least 2 times while i'm up there
draw
apply to a few jobs that i know i can do
make smores
finish crimping and styling my wig for cosplay
make my eva foam elements for cosplay

7.21.25 + 10:32 PM

SITTING DUCKS

doing what i can. today in therapy i had a tough time. first, we did an exposure therapy inventory for learning to drive. so that i can start to not be as fearful and avoidant of driving. then i delved into longstanding issues and cried the entire time. i really don't like crying, because often times the reaction is not my own, but comes from something else inside me crying, and i internally feel very neutral or calm, but i can't stop my body from crying. but today i just felt so gritty, like sandpaper scraping against my brain and inbetween the crying, smoothing them together and making them join from the friction. i didn't want to cry today either, but i had no resistance. then, when bookseller was driving me back home, i had a pseudo nervous breakdown - or- emotional episode more accurately. i was trying to describe an emotional sensation within me whenever we'd get close to each other, and couldn't seem to stop myself from having such a bad reaction. i was gagging and choking and coughing and screaming from describing it, it was like i couldn't even stand to say it fully before sobbing. it felt like my whole inside was sore and aching to get out through my mouth. it was so uncontrollable, my shame is unbearable. my embarrassment is entirely swallowing me. i just feel weak, and thoughtless. i had no energy for cognition the rest of the day, it's like someone squeezed everything out of my brain.

the sensation i described was that it feels like when i am not as close to people, it feels as though they belong to a greater outside world, that i am in my own-ness with myself, and they're able to freely move around the bigger world and people, while i remain in my own magnetic "bubble". when there's a coupling, a pairing up of closeness of both emotional intimacy and care, i suddenly feel as if everything has shrunken, and now instead of him being his adult self, capable and autonomous, my brain seems to perceive him as a vulnerable child, just as trapped with me, and suddenly i feel as though we are both about to be tortured and molested. i can't get my eyes off the light coming from the hallway, and i feel this overwhelming aura of dread and doom, surmounting all of my mental faculties, this clear and sharp narrative understanding, that someone is about to come and torture us both, and all of what felt like protection and capability and safety or a barrier melts away to feel like we are both vulnerable children before the most disgusting and perverted evil.

i am leaving later this week to stay with my cousins again. i am so tired today. muscle weakness after crying, i could barely sit up, or hold my book properly when trying to read. i hate having to work through this. i just want to be good, and not need to engage with any of this. that i could just work, and not care. i feel like i'm doing everything wrong right now. i feel like i'm being bad. whatever, i shake my head many times. the only way out is through. there is no value in shame, it only inhibits action.

i will wish and pray.

7.10.25 + 1:44 AM

DREAM ENDED WITH THIS

not much luck. today i feel sick inside, like some vampiric force is climbing and scraping around all my bowels out. i don't feel clean. i wrote some, finally again. i don't know what else to say, on days like today i feel so disconnected from myself, and from my heart. i think of this version as like a pine sap version, sticky, hard pustules, like amber, clinging and throaty. i feel like i've been dragged all over the mud and dirt and spit on. but not in a clean way, in a messy, spitting, disgust way that sucks me through the sphincter and into the wet and hot death of out there. i like where its cool, preserved, and safe in here, where i want to be.

it's strange, does anyone else feel this kind of way around in there head or their body, like you're physically moving around, feeling the air become sweaty and hot, feeling the relief when you know you're safe and controlled, and the rushing disgust of exposure? i cna't even begin to explain it in a way that makes sense, i feel this corrupting perversion around me. i genuinely feel sick. my hair is a mess, expanding and smoldering in the rain and humidity, my body feels so full of shame and like i'm made of spoiled milk.

anyways, in better terms, now that i feel that i've adquately climbed above what i've described, i can sit in this desk in my brain and body, and feel safe, put my boots up, cross my arms over my chest, and feel protected from the death of corruption and disgust sense for a moment. i've been working out every other night for about one week, maybe two at this point. it's an amazing habit. i'm very proud of myself. i'm trying to learn calisthenics. it's really difficult, but i am working hard. i think i work out for at least an hour or two when it's not a day i'm resting on. because of my surgeries, i think my muscles along my abdomen and stomach have been damaged. malnutrition from my resulting syndrome i think also always kept me behind. i was so weak as a child, down to 80 lbs when i was 16. but, i know i can improve upon that. i want to have really good discipline within myself, and i want to be stronger. i'm really working hard. it's a good thing, and i hope i can keep going.

my old smoking coworker also went to boot camp about a month ago, i can't remember if i mentioned that in my entries. i hope i can write her a letter. i want to remember to do that. i am really afraid for her in the military. but i hope she has a good career, and just does what's best for her.

i want to finish writing a story, another long one. more than 13k this time. something substantial again.

i need to be myself. i hate being sucked on and tongued in a cocoon of perversion disgust sense. i want to be myself, clear and soft, wrapped up in curtains, away from everything. when i'm close with bookseller, i just feel weird. sometimes, i feel walled off and sacred, like i'm glowing like something celestial, and i'm so far away, like a ghost or vision in the night, sometimes i feel so angry and downright desperate, and other times i feel like i'm dead, like i'm just a scarecrow sitting in the passenger seat. other times, i'm a pit of fire, hollow and coughing embers. i try to keep my mouth shut at all times, my inner self is something that escapes even me. i'm just at a point where i'm floating up on the water, sometimes swimming down, but mostly floating and the water makes a perfect line with the line of my lips. i want to be me, safe and structural, i want to be a real life living girl. i'm afraid if i'm not a frankenstein, i'm losing a part of myself though. so when i say that, i can't decide.

7.4.25 + 1:07 PM

UNEMPLOYMENT

i have been unemployed for about a year. i have nothing to say about it. anything i say, i will end up spiraling. it's just not worth the self shaming.

recently back into painting. feeling good, i love painting skin and bodies, just not hands or feet. i haven't practiced them to look good enough i want to get work in my personal life done before i go back to work. i really want a job. i have learned that there is no real rest here in THIS house. i just stay bottled up and stupid. i shake my head. life continues and goes on. i'm just going along with it. i want God to put me in a milk bath, like you would with white flowers, so i can feel cleansed.

lately, i think my song has been "here without you". when i went on an overnight trip into the city, at night while i was going to get ice cream, i was singing it loud along the sidewalk, trying to balance in my heels.

"i'm here without you baby
but you're still on my lonely mind
i think about you baby
and i dream about you all the time."

don't worry, you all did not miss out on much with my singing. it's more so a warbling following of the tones. i do love to hum along to songs, and i like to sing too.

the song makes me think about lots of people, and about how other slip through fingers like wet flower petals, sticking for a moment along my fingerpads and then the wind and rain carrying them off. recently, a mutual i had on twitter deactivated, and it made me very sad. she was a devout catholic, and i liked seeing her religious posts. i always get so scared for others that i like to leave the internet, though i guess it's not up to me, it's about their own autonomy to be online or not. tumblr blogs, youtube videos, i don't want to lose any of it that's special to me. here's a few of my saved posts from the girl who deactivated.

"God said I will possess you so lovingly it will do violence to your soft heart and you won't have the will to disobey me and I said nooo- uhhhh but then it happened."

"God told me to open my heart wider this time and let it hurt and I said *salute*"

anyways, I miss her, and seeing her posts. i always liked her updates on her job, her life, her devotionals, how she wanted to be a nun. i just shake my head. i hope she'll come back. i wanted to make friends with her badly, but i was too shy. now the moment has passed. i can only pray for her.

my other friend i've had for a long time, has not spoken to me since they came back from japan to the usa. it had been about 5 years since they had spoken to me, but i was so happy for them to be back in my life, i was very forlorn when they suddenly stopped responding to me again. it has now been months since we've spoken. they have severe avoidance, and i think myself no better, but i worry for them, and i wish that we could be as close friends as we were. i see their painful writings when they're online, and i feel for them deeply. i cannot imagine the difficulty they face, and i wish that i could help, or that my presence or friendship would be a lifting and hopeful force, rather than something stifling or frightening. but i guess i think of it like letting baby ducks go in the water (a lot of water metaphors this week....). even when they had disappeared for five years after they had settled into japan, i always held out hope, a candle inside my heart for their return. i think i have a lot of candles, for a lot of vigils, for a lot of different people that have left my life. i even look at a comment on my game profile, left by one of my closest friends when i was a teenager, who just did not want to speak to me again after all the years of closeness. but what is there to do but let others exist however they wish. i of course wish and hope for closeness, but i could never demand something like that from soneone, if their wish is to disappear into the computer and their contact with me dissipates.

it's obviously harder to make friends as an adult.
this week i just want to feel productive. i'm liking painting, i have to regain some of my lost skill. i have so many works in progresses....