7.10.25 + 1:44 AM

DREAM ENDED WITH THIS

not much luck. today i feel sick inside, like some vampiric force is climbing and scraping around all my bowels out. i don't feel clean. i wrote some, finally again. i don't know what else to say, on days like today i feel so disconnected from myself, and from my heart. i think of this version as like a pine sap version, sticky, hard pustules, like amber, clinging and throaty. i feel like i've been dragged all over the mud and dirt and spit on. but not in a clean way, in a messy, spitting, disgust way that sucks me through the sphincter and into the wet and hot death of out there. i like where its cool, preserved, and safe in here, where i want to be.

it's strange, does anyone else feel this kind of way around in there head or their body, like you're physically moving around, feeling the air become sweaty and hot, feeling the relief when you know you're safe and controlled, and the rushing disgust of exposure? i cna't even begin to explain it in a way that makes sense, i feel this corrupting perversion around me. i genuinely feel sick. my hair is a mess, expanding and smoldering in the rain and humidity, my body feels so full of shame and like i'm made of spoiled milk.

anyways, in better terms, now that i feel that i've adquately climbed above what i've described, i can sit in this desk in my brain and body, and feel safe, put my boots up, cross my arms over my chest, and feel protected from the death of corruption and disgust sense for a moment. i've been working out every other night for about one week, maybe two at this point. it's an amazing habit. i'm very proud of myself. i'm trying to learn calisthenics. it's really difficult, but i am working hard. i think i work out for at least an hour or two when it's not a day i'm resting on. because of my surgeries, i think my muscles along my abdomen and stomach have been damaged. malnutrition from my resulting syndrome i think also always kept me behind. i was so weak as a child, down to 80 lbs when i was 16. but, i know i can improve upon that. i want to have really good discipline within myself, and i want to be stronger. i'm really working hard. it's a good thing, and i hope i can keep going.

my old smoking coworker also went to boot camp about a month ago, i can't remember if i mentioned that in my entries. i hope i can write her a letter. i want to remember to do that. i am really afraid for her in the military. but i hope she has a good career, and just does what's best for her.

i want to finish writing a story, another long one. more than 13k this time. something substantial again.

i need to be myself. i hate being sucked on and tongued in a cocoon of perversion disgust sense. i want to be myself, clear and soft, wrapped up in curtains, away from everything. when i'm close with bookseller, i just feel weird. sometimes, i feel walled off and sacred, like i'm glowing like something celestial, and i'm so far away, like a ghost or vision in the night, sometimes i feel so angry and downright desperate, and other times i feel like i'm dead, like i'm just a scarecrow sitting in the passenger seat. other times, i'm a pit of fire, hollow and coughing embers. i try to keep my mouth shut at all times, my inner self is something that escapes even me. i'm just at a point where i'm floating up on the water, sometimes swimming down, but mostly floating and the water makes a perfect line with the line of my lips. i want to be me, safe and structural, i want to be a real life living girl. i'm afraid if i'm not a frankenstein, i'm losing a part of myself though. so when i say that, i can't decide.

7.4.25 + 1:07 PM

UNEMPLOYMENT

i have been unemployed for about a year. i have nothing to say about it. anything i say, i will end up spiraling. it's just not worth the self shaming.

recently back into painting. feeling good, i love painting skin and bodies, just not hands or feet. i haven't practiced them to look good enough i want to get work in my personal life done before i go back to work. i really want a job. i have learned that there is no real rest here in THIS house. i just stay bottled up and stupid. i shake my head. life continues and goes on. i'm just going along with it. i want God to put me in a milk bath, like you would with white flowers, so i can feel cleansed.

lately, i think my song has been "here without you". when i went on an overnight trip into the city, at night while i was going to get ice cream, i was singing it loud along the sidewalk, trying to balance in my heels.

"i'm here without you baby
but you're still on my lonely mind
i think about you baby
and i dream about you all the time."

don't worry, you all did not miss out on much with my singing. it's more so a warbling following of the tones. i do love to hum along to songs, and i like to sing too.

the song makes me think about lots of people, and about how other slip through fingers like wet flower petals, sticking for a moment along my fingerpads and then the wind and rain carrying them off. recently, a mutual i had on twitter deactivated, and it made me very sad. she was a devout catholic, and i liked seeing her religious posts. i always get so scared for others that i like to leave the internet, though i guess it's not up to me, it's about their own autonomy to be online or not. tumblr blogs, youtube videos, i don't want to lose any of it that's special to me. here's a few of my saved posts from the girl who deactivated.

"God said I will possess you so lovingly it will do violence to your soft heart and you won't have the will to disobey me and I said nooo- uhhhh but then it happened."

"God told me to open my heart wider this time and let it hurt and I said *salute*"

anyways, I miss her, and seeing her posts. i always liked her updates on her job, her life, her devotionals, how she wanted to be a nun. i just shake my head. i hope she'll come back. i wanted to make friends with her badly, but i was too shy. now the moment has passed. i can only pray for her.

my other friend i've had for a long time, has not spoken to me since they came back from japan to the usa. it had been about 5 years since they had spoken to me, but i was so happy for them to be back in my life, i was very forlorn when they suddenly stopped responding to me again. it has now been months since we've spoken. they have severe avoidance, and i think myself no better, but i worry for them, and i wish that we could be as close friends as we were. i see their painful writings when they're online, and i feel for them deeply. i cannot imagine the difficulty they face, and i wish that i could help, or that my presence or friendship would be a lifting and hopeful force, rather than something stifling or frightening. but i guess i think of it like letting baby ducks go in the water (a lot of water metaphors this week....). even when they had disappeared for five years after they had settled into japan, i always held out hope, a candle inside my heart for their return. i think i have a lot of candles, for a lot of vigils, for a lot of different people that have left my life. i even look at a comment on my game profile, left by one of my closest friends when i was a teenager, who just did not want to speak to me again after all the years of closeness. but what is there to do but let others exist however they wish. i of course wish and hope for closeness, but i could never demand something like that from soneone, if their wish is to disappear into the computer and their contact with me dissipates.

it's obviously harder to make friends as an adult.
this week i just want to feel productive. i'm liking painting, i have to regain some of my lost skill. i have so many works in progresses....