7.9.26 + 10:33 PM G

CARDAMOM PUDDING

today was good. i was in an upbeat mood the whole day, despite going to sleep for only 3 hours, and then i worked a 12 hour shift. i have another 12 hour shift tomorrow. i don't mind working long hours, i hope it proves i am a hardworking person. the day counts down to my intensive therapy session. so nervous... i went to a late night cafe after work and it was good too. i sat and talked with my coworker friend and things were good. i don't know how i felt so upbeat. i guess i just feel really fulfilled about not being lazy, and not working. also, i have passed my permit test again.! for a third time. i really need to get my license already. i have a lot of cosplay stuff to work on, so i think that comes next. how will i fit it into my intensive therapy coming up.. i don't know. we'll see. wish me luck. thank you my angels for guiding me and for God to give me the strength to keep going.

7.6.26 + 1:49 AM G

PRIVATE VANILLA

i had a rough couple days. i was miserably depressed, and completely out of mind. it's strange when the path forward just completely closes in front of my eyes, and i was unable to see any path forward, and was compelled bizarrely to isolate in the worst ways. the coldness in my heart exploded all over my body, and my weak body totally shattered into something as hard as asphalt. i don't even understand what essentially was the trigger, i just know that i completely faltered into the depths of rejecting the living world.
i had what felt like no control over my thoughts and mind, completely hijacked by a frozen over desolate mindscape. i wanted to hurt myself, and there didn't seem to be a way forward anywhere. i tried to describe it one time as you know there's ice cream in the fridge, and you want the ice cream so badly, but you have no understanding that you could physically walk up to the fridge and open the freezer to grab it and open it and put it in your mouth. instead, you can't understand that you have the capability to move, and don't know the steps forward, so you know you want ice cream, but are endlessly frustrated and helpless to get it. then i'll suffocate myself in leaning into this depraved sadness, and i'll be able to float back up and see that the way was always clear to "get the ice cream". it's really bizarre and i hate how uncontrollable i feel during it.

only two weeks until my intensive therapy.