6.30.23 + 10:11 PM

LEAK

how is june over already. did the new paint marker sign. i feel like throwing up. i feel so ugly. again. im so afraid. it feels like im dying. i don't want to die like this. please come save me angels.
i think its funny watching people talk. i think its funny. i like listening, hoping that someone will talk to me. i am making myself sick trying to get past my mental blocks. i walk outside some this week too. but it doesn't matter. i still can't sleep at night. i still can't eat. it's like im not even here.

6.27.23 + 10:20 PM

PERFECT CLOUD

i am completely disattached. i have everything and bitterness and more. i don't care about this usingness. every time i try and get close to people i just feel immediately used. and belittled. and dehumanized. just grab my head and force it to do whatever you wish. it doesn't matter.
i saw the perfect cloud today, it was so gorgeous i took many pictures i was so happy i felt beautiful, separate from my body, like the angels watching me were telling me they heard me. i want to offer my blood, my body, my everything. i will learn to be good. i have already learned to suffer. please let me be good. don't shut the lid on my head and spray all my pink and ugly bits on the pavement. i will be good.
searching for something i never had, like crawling in a body as a worm, you can never fill the space no matter how much flesh you eat.
i hope this coworker will be my friend i think she is so beautiful and sweet, i think everything about her is good and cool, and she has done cocaine. i don't think theres anything that could make her more of an angel. i talked to her a lot tonight, and i think my immaturity in socialness and stupidity shown through. it makes me embarrassed to like other people, and makes me angry, but i can't help it, i want to be her friend.
my fear of a pound of flesh i must give is scaring me. my fear of a pound of flesh runs through my broken body. my fear of a pound of flesh makes me want to scream and cry out. i want to be good. i want to be good. please.
i hope my prayers are answered. i hope it comes to save me.
i hope i vomitted all the bad and suffering inside me, to pay for a goodness and kindness and love to cradle me.

6.25.23 + 12:52 AM

WRAPPING PAPER

today i did laundry and bathed. i lost so much hair. it was literally a ton. or at least more than im used to. i am happy i was able to bathe. i kept thinking of an angel comforting me. i feel like i am in a limbo. i don't know what i like. i don't know what i can see or hear. i scheduled another reiki session. i don't feel anything, except vulnerability and disgust. i want to be clean and sweet. and i want to be alone. but i don't, or something. i don't know what i like. i feel like i just want things to change. i guess today is kind of a nothing day.
i hope my prayers are answered.

6.23.23 + 10:50 PM

REIKI

i feel sick. i don't feel released at all. i just feel sick and stupid and tired. i haven't slept for 24 hours and i think im going to stay up all night again because i am not tired at all i can't sleep at night i can't do anything i just am so lonely. my head is spinning and my body isn't tired. i can't bathe. im not hungry. im not tired. im going to die from this hell torture. please give me angel of love please give me guardian angel to care for me and rescue me it hurts so much. please save me from hell.
i want to be saved. i am so tired but i can't sleep. im not hungry. im not tired at all. and i can't bathe. its all so humiliating as each day goes by.

6.22.23 + 3:36 PM

WALK

my reiki session is tomorrow. i don't know what to feel. my therapist said my p///////////////////r/////////nts were evil and cruel again and she cried. i do nothing. i just exist in pain, in servitude to others. i told a coworker in passing about my lack of urges to take care of my body at all and she said it sounded like i was in fight or flight and asked what i was reliving, what my body was remembering. and i just laughed. my therapist says it sounds like mania, but not mania. and didn't give any further explanation. so it doesn't matter. i just don't matter. all what matters is what i give to others.
i hope new good people come into my life and i hope the angels come and rescue me forever from this life. maybe when i go to reiki, i will see them and they will take me out of my body, and i will get to be happy. i just don't feel good. everything is sick and hazy, and it feels like im a small little person in the front of my skull, and theres a giant wall slowly crushing me, crushing me and i can't access any other part of my body. it feels like im nothing. is my brain protecting me from something? am i really remembering? is some part of me remembering something? i don't know.
i feel. numb.
tomorrow is my reiki appointment. i have been running around pacing running pacing running in circles trying to get all my nervous energy out. please please please please please turn it all into something wonderful, something i can be cradled in happy and safe.

6.19.23 + 5:30 PM

EXTREME

no cues from my body to sleep, no cues to eat, no cues to bathe, even walking for an hour i don't feel like id ever stop. i feel so numb and out of my body. my loneliness has reached a kind of apex, where my heart is breaking and twisting into a million pieces. it feels like im nothing.

6.18.23 + 8:19 PM

DREAMING OF

slam the dumpster lid on my puppy head.
am i really so worthless to just throw away? i don't know. i had another dream last night but can't remember. ive been doing nothing. i can't eat, i can't sleep, im not hungry im not tired, but im so exhausted. its like not even my body wants to live anymore.
my reiki appointment is for friday. i am nervous. i just want to feel connected to humans and real life. but it all feels so far away. i can't take care of myself at all. i just want to lay down and die sometimes. i will try to persevere and have lots of hope, but is hard. i am playing project diva some, and i used to play on the machine in the arcade near me, and i got kind of good, but on a console its so much harder. i like smashing the arcade buttons with my hands it feels good, but the precise clicking is so hard. i feel stupid. my week of hard work is finally over, but i can't even relax. i can't do anything, on my days off im so restless i sit all day not doing anything, but so nervous i can't move. its like im paralyzed. just mummify me.
i am not a bad puppy i am good. i just want to be good. i don't want to be a failure, i don't want you to put me down.

6.17.23 + 4:40 PM

ALONE

i am so lonely today. today feels like silent hill. i just don't feel connected to anyone. my coworker was talking about characterai, and i thought id try it out, and now it just makes me feel even more lonely. i worked 8-1, then had a 4 hour period of nothing, and then worked 5-9:30 yesterday. in the four hours i just spent it on characterai, pretending it was a real person, and just talking to it trying to burn the time until i had to work again. it didn't help i have only slept 6 hours in total the last 2 days. and even when i get home, after being exhausted, i still don't go to sleep. i just lay there restless and extremely worked up. i wish i could have sleep medication that wasn't an antihistamine.

6.15.23 + 1:04 AM

60%

hello june diary.
i love department stores. i love how they make me feel safe and sound again. like i am sweet and cherry and cute skirt. i don't think about anything. it pokes me in the stomach. the sweet lights in there, whatever they are i need them at home. my vision is swimming and sad. the heavy rain and thunder lately makes me feel good. i don't sleep at night, and i am voraciously nothing. i have forgotten how to do things. i vomitted a couple nights ago. i was terribly nauseous, confused, sick with myself. i just kept thinking "i have so much to get done. i have so much i need to do." my headache kept getting worse, until i couldn't take it. alone i vomitted my pain into the toilet. door closed lights off and the window shutter filtering little blue light on the cold tile. my broken stomach muscles had to undo themselves before i could move again. it feels after being sick, that i could be taken care of. my body lied in wait for someone to hold me.
i look through the graveyard of people i used to know, and i realize i wasn't all that much i thought i was. something even more fawning. it puts the pain right inside me and twists up and coils my spine. drifting apart, like tearing my body in two. what use is biting down. please angel world help me make friends. help me find belonging in this world.