6.19.24 + 2:13 PM

PRUNING FINGERS

carefully, i maneuver this week. or, i try to. i pray feverishly, i have my veil on at most times, the shame is unbearable that i am alive and living. the calming numbness runs through me, as i wished, and i rejoice in just feeling soft and clean and nothing. i am grateful, for reprieve, and my angel coming to hold me.

i have to pick up a lot of shifts since no one wants to work 4th of july, or they're sick, so im getting a couple more hours. i feel just calm today, i had my hazelnut coffee with brown sugar syrup, and it was really good. it's my favorite, chocolat noisette. i ate some yogurt too, chocolate raspberry. last night i felt so angry towards everything, i just ask for angels to heal my heart. i don't know. i just need guidance i think. victim soul. last night my m**********th********r when i came home from work, i tried to put a pot on the stove to cook something fast, just broth, mushrooms, and pastina, but she got angry. i told her i was hungry and hadn't eaten all day, which was true, i had only had tea, nonfat foam and iced coffee, and some small chocolates. she didn't care, and i gave up and said i would just have yogurt, and she angrily told me "good." i didn't have any yogurt, and just went upstairs to brush my teeth. at least i am better in taking care of myself everyday. i have no clothing that is clean right now because they are all doing my br*************th********r's clothes and she told me my laundry would come second to mine. so they've been doing all his laundry nonstop, and i'm not allowed to use washer or dryer. i feel bad.

10:19 they cut the person who was supposed to close with me 's hours so i closed alone. the person who opened didn't date anything or do the list i had left for them for prep. i wish i had a different job. they then retracted the hour cut but the other person didn't stay. so then i closed alone. i hope they will let me take the time off i want now. the people in the house got food without me and they were all eating it when i got in the car to go home. i had some tuna fish salad on a ritz cracker and a yogurt. i picked up a shift for tomorrow because the person can't come in.

6.17.24 + 3:06 PM

REALLY WANT CHOCOLATE

unnatural craving for chocolate strawberry and vanilla cake. i feel so out of place. yesterday someone called out at work they asked me to come in but my shoulder hurts so bad i couldn't and i didn't want to risk worsening it. its so weird since all i did was lay weird on in during the night and the next day it hurts so bad, i don't see why i should go to an urgent care. basically just wasting my day right now since bookseller said he would try and see me today, but then we have no concrete plans. he is going to florida next week. so i will have lots of alone time just like i wanted. maybe it'll really be a good thing. i want to read and write. i just need to feel inspired, and not trapped. right now, i want to go to an outdoor patio restaurant and watch the rain and thunder come down. i really want a new body lotion. i wish they still made patissiere de bain. thats the kind of lotion i want to use. or i want the jill stuart chocolate strawberry line, but it doesn't ship to US. oh well. i'll find something else.

i think it is just a bit awkward period before i can adjust again to not waiting on others, and being okay by myself again. i hate social connection because it freaks me out so bad, i do not want my emotions tethered to someone else uncontrollable. i don't want to be in angel pain again in my chest and heart and stomach. i want to be me and untethered. i want to be okay. but it seems like im always in pain.

i am going to try and make a bunch of wishlist and stuff for my site, and i want to make a list for everything i will do while bookseller is away and no one can drive me places.


i hope i will be able to keep myself busy enough to complete nearly everything on this list. i also want to play dance dance revolution a lot at the mall, but i don't know if i'll have time to do that on any of the days. we'll see. i'm already dreading the stupid transition period. i don't want to be in pain. i don't want to feel any emotions. i just want to be productive and numb. that's all i pray for.

6.15.24 + 1:44 PM

MASOCHISM

i hurt my shoulder very bad somehow. i woke up the other day with extreme nauseating shoulder pain. it doesn't feel like its on my shoulder blade, or the top of my shoulder, but instead deep inside the muscles of what make the rotator cuff. it hurt so bad. after some NSAID and icy hot, it felt better. next day, same thing, waking up with the worst shoulder pain ever, so much so i can't take deep breaths in. i don't know what i did to pull or tear it. i put a ton of tiger balm on it and iced it. next day, no pain all day until the last hour of work, i couldn't breathe, and i used ice and salt to numb my shoulder as much as i could because the pain was so inside. bought a sling and some menthol patches, trying to just take it easy. work yesterday wasn't so bad. no extreme pain, trying to take it easy today with ice and a sling to not over-exert and re-awaken the pain. i feel very angry and disgusted by other people lately, and even knowing i want closeness, i am so upset by being bombarded by socialization. i just want to be alone for a little, then come back to socializing. i do not like talking all the time to others, i like when i have alone time, despite the extreme anger and loneliness i feel. but i think i will feel lonely anyways with others no matter what. it's hot and humid here, now that it is summer. i want to go outside in the sun, and be beautiful and alone if the angels will it so.

i bought some new shoes, they are irregular choice, and i think they are the most gorgeous shoes ever. i can't wait to wear them.



here are some other pictures from my day out, when my shoulder was hurting. i got a tiramisu. i don't have much else to say. lately i am feeling so like a caged animal. despite my own stupidity and my knowing of it, i want to be alone a little bit, so i can remain myself. with others, i am constantly having to push my expression and words to be curated, and i hate the effort it takes to perform. though, maybe that's just human condition. it doesn't matter. i am ugly, and in pain lately, please hurt shoulder blossom my beautiful wing of suffering from your tendons and loins.

6.10.24 + 10:03 PM

UNEDITED FOOTAGE

i feel very lost lately, and closeness with others brings me more and more disgust. but, life goes on doesn't it, and that is what i just keep saying.
since last time, my coworker who quit had posted on their story a bunch of the stuff they had issues with working there. here is an excerpt.

you gotta be a different type of deluded ego centric mf to be a [insert title insert position] at [job] and WANT to be management. these mfers stand around talking EVEN IF they have shit to do and then come over to cafe and project onto us talking abt "we're just gonna borrow you bc it's so dead!" we have shit to do. we always have shit to do. we are hardly acquainted because we have that much shit to do gtfo IM ON MY LAST MF STRAW

They do NOT deserve access to my knowledge and/or expertise after I'm gone bruh i done tore down like 8 sheets and deleted every document I've ever saved. eat cake.

I already put in my two weeks and will never work for [job] again. There I am ONE. ONEEEEE bad interaction away with one of these mfers before reading each and every one of them for FREE for such well read people they sure are dumb and transparent asf. Fucking ass kissers bro.

they aren't wrong about any of this, and i agree with them about everything. the people who don't manage the cafe section believe they know everything about our operations, which leads to short staffing and extreme stress on our side of things. it's really upsetting, and the management is just generally incompetent, unprofessional, disrepsectful, and makes unintelligent decisions. i am glad this coworker is leaving and will go somewhere better, even though in the past they have treated me poorly, and been unkind and patronizing to me.

this was posted on their private story, so only a select people they chose saw it. well. someone. from their private selection, screenshotted all of their stories and sent it to MANAGEMENT. WHAT!.


i am truly surprised. i did not expect it to happen, but at the same time am i really surprised? this coworker who quit was a very, self centered, high reactivity, and very low stress or anger tolerance. they were constantly getting angry, and believing their way was the best way no matter what. no wonder, someone was their enemy. what i can't think of is who it was. none of my current coworkers do i think would have done that, unless there is a mole. but i don't know who is the mole, but i want to know. i want to ask, but i am not sure how to approach the situation to find out who it was.

also. i bought tinned octopus. i can't wait to eat it i am so excited.

in other news, i walked on mount greylock, it was the bookseller's idea, and he had this other girl tag along because she had been going through a bad breakup. we drove to the top and then walked on the appalachian trail. they had a very tough time hiking, while, i found it to be not so difficult. the way down was very steep on the trail, and i warned that the way back would be more difficult, but we walked about 30 minutes on the trail, then turned around to go back to the mountain. i found the very very steep and high parts not so bad, i climbed up the rocks pretty okay, and eventually the bookseller had to give me the backpack so i could carry it back up. i think it was just a fluke that i was capable of it without much difficulty. but we were really high up on the mountain. we also saw some ponies, and a black bear walking through a big field.



we are supposed to do something on wednesday. i guess i will find out what it is. between work and having to socialize, i am very tired, and have the terrible feeling of needing distance and a breath of creative and personal freedom. i feel bad, because i know once i am lonely and upset again i will not want it. it is like i am never happy, and that frustrates me, because i can logically see the frailty and irrationality of this, but in some ways i cannot help it, and my brain is upset no matter what. i bought a lot of crayons so i can draw at home and not just in therapy. i can't wait to eat my tinned octopus. also, i cleaned my room a lot, and picked up lots of stuff off the floor, and i can see my floor again. reishi tea and prayer miracle. i am so happy that the angels give me strength to be a body alive. praying every night.

6.7.24 + 12:50 AM

MOREOVER

well, i went to therapy today. i get really explosive fits of crying, but other than that, i think it went okay. im just frustrated. my coworker left, like actually left and is now not showing up for the rest of their 3 weeks. so. we're screwed. they swapped with me, and now i have to work both shifts instead. just very frustrating. i want to get a new job too but it is not like i've found anything that pays better near me. i feel like the job market near me is pretty sparse. not a lot of well paying cafes.. and i don't have the money or the intelligence to go back to school. i don't want to waste more money and go into more debt if i end up not being able to complete it. a lot of people at my work are doing work and school, and it makes me jealous, cause i want to be that capable and smart. and i pray every day for strength and smarts too.

i will put in some of my art therapy from the last few visits. i feel sad that i am not making a lot of progress, but my therapist says i am. she says its good i have a new position at work, and that i am working on close relationships. i hope i am really making some progress.

6.6.24 + 1:44 AM

REISHI

my dreams are much more active.