6.24.26 + 5:14 PM G

HEART SHAPED BLUSH

lots of stuff happened. i finished my company training, i now have training onsite for my new job friday and saturday. im even more nervous for that. i hope it will be okay. preparing mentally for my intensive trauma program. had to cancel therapy because i had no ride, but it's okay. i met up with my very very good friend admin in the city this week.! it was so fun, the last time we saw each other was in new york. i grew up there while i was sick as a child, so whenever i'm back there i feel some amount of melancholy and strangeness. it was so fun, we did a photobooth and it was very cute and funny, and i won a lottery and got the chiikawa B prize. they rung the bell and everything, it was embarrassing when people turned around to see. visiting the shops was very cool, and at the end we went down towards the shore and ate dinner. it was a good trip, and i was thankful and felt emotionally satiated and happy. i think i talked so much my throat slightly hurt after.

i had a lot of fun driving back in the dark with bookseller on sunday, he took the backroads, and he isn't used to the darkness of rural places, he even said where i lived was too dark for him, which i never realized was so dark. he genuinely gets so scared and creeped out, and i guess when your headlights don't seem to pierce any amount of the rolling road in the woods it can feel spooky. but i guess i grew up coming back in the dark from anywhere i went that it doesn't phase me. i felt bad because he was so tired, on sunday we went to see evanescence on their sanctuary tour concert. it was very exciting, we sat very close, but the whole time, i had the extreme hollowness eating away at me. i couldn't feel connected at all, i don't know what happened that went so wrong. everything was fine. i have only been to one other concert and it was last year, maybe i just wasn't used to the people. but the louder and more excited the crowd got i just felt more and more ashaemd of myself, and more and more shrunken, i felt like my heart had died and i didn't belong there at all. i just wanted to leave, and began to cry. i felt so ungrateful, just full of shame shame shame shame shame. i should have been happy or excited. i know it was ungrateful of me to not enjoy the concert, and i really have loved evanescence forever, that's why bookseller took me, but being at the concert i instead felt like the most shameful and horrible creature instead. i hate myself for feeling that way.

i have to try and be better at managing my time. i'm really excited to start my job because it will make me feel more secure about myself.

6.20.26 + 1:47 AM G

COMPLIANCE

oh my goodness. oh my goodness. so much happening this week. i think i got totally deconditioned to having so many appointments. i had training this week and it went good. i have more training next week. it's basically sitting in a room and watching power points. everyone else has such cool jobs, like therapist, court people, they've worked with so many actual different people and helped them. i feel a little silly being an admin support person. seeing people who have gone to college or who have overcome such crazy stuff to be support coaches etc makes me feel somewhat insecure. i wish i was farther along in schooling or career or stuff. but i still attended the training and it went okay, despite how absolutely nervous i was. on the first day i drank at least 4 cups of bustelo coffee plus a protein coffee. i had the shakes like crazy, which did not help... since i was already so nervous lol. the rest of the week has been stressful even more. it's just stuff going on everyday. the time for my intensive EMDR trauma therapy week is coming closer and closer. i feel crazy scared for it.

i'm really battling with being scared of getting better, but also wanting it desperately. it gives myself a reason to give a damn about myself, to take myself seriously to say "look, here's the evidence for all my problems, it's real, i really did suffer, i'm not a liar." but i feel like i'm stuck on level 0 in life, and the road of adulthood keeps going on with bigger and bigger skill checks that i seem to be barely passing. i really want to get better. i know Christ is with me, and my angels are with me, because i can feel their assurance and their love and hope for me. there's a good quote in my book i'm reading, "God wants me to get better more than he wants me to forgive". i really in general also just want the therapy to work. i was as honest as i could be in the intake, i hope i don't dissociate too much.

currently working on doing a long memory timeline for my life. it's so funny, i think all of my youngest memories are just from school. like i'll remember school and then nothing else. i really have to be in certain "zones" to remember many other things. and usual it's the memory of my looking at a picture of me doing something in ballet or gymnastic or a birthday party and going "oh yeah i did that. it's strange.

once i finish my job training and end this super busy month, next month is also busy with my intensive therapy, bookseller birthday, and my new job. life is ramping up this summer. it makes me scared i'm going to run out of time and let people down. i feel so angry and ashamed at myself when i feel like i can't keep up. i have to keep working at that. i think IFS is really really working. i like it the most.

i hope i have some downtime to work on hobbies and casual stuff. lol.

6.12.26 + 1:41 AM G

CLAIRVOYANT

i have been so busy with job interview and job training. i go for my first training day this monday upcoming, so i had to move my therapy. i am sooo so nervous. it has been a good amount of time since i was working - so embarrassing. i hope it will go well, i am very scared of being in trouble. i just hope everything works out, and it is just smooth sailing. i also had my intensive trauma program screening; i decided to go through with it. the program is at a discount since they lost their funding, so i am just hoping i get in for the discount price. i really think it will be good for me. the interview was about an hour for the screening. i felt like i was so unprepared. she was asking me about what symptoms i had, and i did not seem to know what to say. it was so nerve-wracking. it's easier when i can look at a list, and point out and identify my symptoms instead of come up with them on the spot, especially with someone i hadn't met before. i also had to take a dissociative screening, if i have too many dissociative symptoms, they will probably not let me go through with the treatment. which is awful, i don't want that to happen, but i don't want treatment to make my dissociation worse. i answered honestly as i could.... i tried to be conservative in how i interpreted the questions for my dissociative symptoms. even if i know that's not right. i feel as though my dissociation washes over me in waves, like how my funnel has different levels with different amounts of clarity or obscurity. i know it's not good to do this treatment if i'm too dissociative, but this is my chance. i'm so scared, i don't want to be punished. please forgive me God. please angels lead me.

i am going to a renfaire with my cousins on sunday. i hope i can post some nice pictures. bookseller is even going, my cousin invitied him since he has been more involved in coming to events or picking me up. so it's a little exciting. i want to post the theraputic pages i have made in my journal here, i think i made it very pretty with colored pencils and stickers.

things are going to be crazy. i am also seeing admin in the city soon, i am so excited for that very very much. it will be so fun since i used to live in the city when i was young and in the hospital. i love going. i hope it won't be too crazy with the world cup stuff going on... i hope i can post pictures of that too.

lots lots lots lots going on and to do,! please angels sweep me off my feet, and speed me towards peace and goodness. give me strength and wisdom.!
oh and i also saw backrooms and obsession. both were good i thought. i liked backrooms more though.

6.4.26 + 6:38 PM G

SANCTITY

i would write this in the dream page, but it was only a snippet of the full dream, my dream ended on the image of a woman filming her dead daughter in the backseat saying she did the unforgivable and left her daughter in a hot car. the child's face had black foam pouring from the mouth and the corner of the mouth had rotted only slightly, her eyes milky and staring upwards, her jaw open. she was blonde and wearing a pink and white dress. i remember as i began to wake up the camera panned to another girl in the car crying, but the woman said it was her son, so he must have had long hair. the image was frightening, i woke up and felt so sad. it was a strange start to the day.

i've been trying to improve my distress tolerance by doing difficult balance positions, to try and teach my brain to cope better with fear or difficulty. i got the idea from a video of a man on a balance pod reading aloud. i thought it was a good idea, and i think it has helped so far. i need to continue to up the difficulty. i'm trying to also use more DBT skills. a lot of the resistance comes from overwhelming emotional and perception flooding, and my "disgust-sense", that leaves no room for me to come back to reality. once things sensorily flood with feelings of danger, fear, and disgust so strong, the only way out feels like hurting myself to manage stimulation and self-purification, or to hide away and run away from contact, otherwise my distress heightens to a 10 and i lose all ability to stay in reality.

everyday i drink milky oolong tea, and a black sesame latte. i want things to be okay. i hate being ruled by fear and paranoia, trying to manage my disgust and flashbacks, it takes all the wind out of me. i just need to know things will be okay, but chasing that assurance is a fool's errand, and i exhaust myself trying to shove pieces of insulation in an empty tunnel inside me. like a muscle, i must flex, and bring my organs back inside of my body, to know i will be whole.

6.3.26 + 1:32 AM G

DEVILFISH

it was a rough day somewhat. i went to the interview, but bookseller missed the last exit to the town i had to go to... so we eneded up getting to the interview 45 minutes late. i was so angry, but in that situation being angry doesn't help anything. i think it went well, i hope the scheduling works out and everything. i am hoping i can do the intensive trauma program still, i have my screening soon, i am pretty nervous, i hope the program will be a good fit. i really really think it will help improve my quality of life. bookseller went with me to my last therapy session, i think my therapist likes him. i got an iron goddess oolong with vanilla and lavender after the interview, but i felt very negative and sad. i think something going well can sometimes make me so scared i have to feel shamed and negative so i don't feel afraid or like the floor will fall from under me. it is an annoying feeling. i hope everything will be okay. i just will continue to pray about it. i need to keep working on my writing and painting. i still have lots of stuff i want to paint for my website.

6.1.26 + 6:32 PM G

MISOPHONIA

i have an interview tomorrow. i am so nervous. i hope my angels are guiding me. i hope God is guiding me. i am very nervous. i bought a new blouse for the interview. i also blew out my hair with a brush and hair dryer for the first time. my hand cramped so bad afterward though.