6.4.26 + 6:38 PM G

SANCTITY

i would write this in the dream page, but it was only a snippet of the full dream, my dream ended on the image of a woman filming her dead daughter in the backseat saying she did the unforgivable and left her daughter in a hot car. the child's face had black foam pouring from the mouth and the corner of the mouth had rotted only slightly, her eyes milky and staring upwards, her jaw open. she was blonde and wearing a pink and white dress. i remember as i began to wake up the camera panned to another girl in the car crying, but the woman said it was her son, so he must have had long hair. the image was frightening, i woke up and felt so sad. it was a strange start to the day.

i've been trying to improve my distress tolerance by doing difficult balance positions, to try and teach my brain to cope better with fear or difficulty. i got the idea from a video of a man on a balance pod reading aloud. i thought it was a good idea, and i think it has helped so far. i need to continue to up the difficulty. i'm trying to also use more DBT skills. a lot of the resistance comes from overwhelming emotional and perception flooding, and my "disgust-sense", that leaves no room for me to come back to reality. once things sensorily flood with feelings of danger, fear, and disgust so strong, the only way out feels like hurting myself to manage stimulation and self-purification, or to hide away and run away from contact, otherwise my distress heightens to a 10 and i lose all ability to stay in reality.

everyday i drink milky oolong tea, and a black sesame latte. i want things to be okay. i hate being ruled by fear and paranoia, trying to manage my disgust and flashbacks, it takes all the wind out of me. i just need to know things will be okay, but chasing that assurance is a fool's errand, and i exhaust myself trying to shove pieces of insulation in an empty tunnel inside me. like a muscle, i must flex, and bring my organs back inside of my body, to know i will be whole.

6.3.26 + 1:32 AM G

DEVILFISH

it was a rough day somewhat. i went to the interview, but bookseller missed the last exit to the town i had to go to... so we eneded up getting to the interview 45 minutes late. i was so angry, but in that situation being angry doesn't help anything. i think it went well, i hope the scheduling works out and everything. i am hoping i can do the intensive trauma program still, i have my screening soon, i am pretty nervous, i hope the program will be a good fit. i really really think it will help improve my quality of life. bookseller went with me to my last therapy session, i think my therapist likes him. i got an iron goddess oolong with vanilla and lavender after the interview, but i felt very negative and sad. i think something going well can sometimes make me so scared i have to feel shamed and negative so i don't feel afraid or like the floor will fall from under me. it is an annoying feeling. i hope everything will be okay. i just will continue to pray about it. i need to keep working on my writing and painting. i still have lots of stuff i want to paint for my website.

6.1.26 + 6:32 PM G

MISOPHONIA

i have an interview tomorrow. i am so nervous. i hope my angels are guiding me. i hope God is guiding me. i am very nervous. i bought a new blouse for the interview. i also blew out my hair with a brush and hair dryer for the first time. my hand cramped so bad afterward though.