3.31.23 + 12:58

MAY

today i watched many movies. including American Mary, May, and The Love Witch. American Mary and May are both amazing incredible perfect beautiful movies and i already want to watch them over and over. i am so restless, i cannot sleep. last night i was beautiful. and then i had a terrible allergy attack, and i kept waking up in the night. my eyes itched so terribly. like in May. my new coworker told me about how she did cocaine, and a bunch of other drugs. i want to be friends with her but now im not so sure. she is very cool but i think i come off as totally desperate. i don't want to do anything. my old lead barista who left keeps sending me applications to his job that he wants me to work at but i am not allowed to work in the town he works at because it is too far away for me. i am sad. my therapist made a binder for me to keep my art therapy in. we talked more about how she thinks i may have aspects of conversion disorder. and that i thought i was making friends. now i am not so sure i even want to make new friends. push and tug and push and tug. nothing is ever enough for my stupid baby brain.

3.27.23 + 1:18

BEADY

this weeks diagnosis addition is conversion disorder. she thinks i have a conversion disorder that is causing me pain. whatever. i think i am making a new friend at work. though i am not sure. i think i am just an idiot. and people view me as one. because i act the part well to please others and keep it all placid and keep everyone feeling like they can confide in me. i don't care about what anyone says to me, i don't care about these people, and i know that i am a little keychain for them. i am anxious. please please please, help me get something wonderful in this life.

3.24.23 + 1:18

FELT

strange and vivid dreams making my heart pull and tug out of my chest. it feels like someone is pulverizing my heart and tying it to the back of the car while its still in my chest. i am drawing a lot. one of the people who i was i think friends with that i would like all their art and stuff deleted their account so now i am sad.
i feel like my heart is souring and filling with putrefaction fluid and air and is about to burst. like someone is making it bruised all over. so hurt because of my dream. it is making me long for someone who is going to selflessly and unequivocally love me. i hate the pain of being so ugly. i am drawing a lot. finally i have therapy tomorrow. i think i like night shifts more than morning maybe. they each have different perks. i just feel so enwrapped in tightness and yearning for suffering for this painful type of longing of needing so badly to be clicked into place. to be put perfeclty in the center of the night, and to be lit up like a lantern. it feels like my world is running away from me. and that it is chasing me off, or i am chasing it? am i doomed to neverending loneliness. i feel like i am maybe not a bottomless pit, but a swallowing endlessness like the night, that creeps up onto you. and you must find all my stars, and the blue of the sun in my wake. i am tumbling and tumbling and falling endlessly down a great dark hill and i will never get up, until all my bones have been broken and i am a pulpy mass of grass and mud and blood and flesh.
please save me from this ultimate fear. such sharp and tight stitches. please alleviate this pressure from me. these dreams are the only true love emotion i get. maybe. it is such closeness, so much i can feel my violence, the feeling of the scalpel rushing past tendons and muscles, vibrating and pushing against the fat and tension. the pressure, the heat, the death in them. the resistance of skin, of flesh against me. please alleviate this pressure from me. i need so badly to be held. to be held down, pinned down, shook, crushed. any sensory fastness, any overwhelming feeling of presence. i just need it. i just can't do it. i miss it. i miss it. i miss it. but maybe then. i would just sob, and give up, and leave my body to die in that touch. to just cry out and let myself go limp and die in that moment. of hatred, of hopelessness. i am screaming out so much, screaming out into these invisible arms, beating and crying against an invisible chest, to hold me to hold me to hold me. and there is nothing. and there is nothing. please. at one moment i am screaming out in pain in any closeness, in one moment i am begging to god to put me into a muscle and crush me up into nothing. that is probably why i am RAD.

3.22.23 + 1:46

SUNWASHED

i had another shift alone. they hate me. i went to bed at 7pm last night becuase i was just tired and exhausted and sad. we have two new hires and one of them had orientation, she was very quiet, she doesn't like coffee drinks, and she was very very thin. after having 5 hours alone i was very upset and jaded and didn't feel well at all so i think i may have scared her, though i wasn't mean to her. she didn't want to look at me, probably because she thinks im ugly. i don't know if she'll stay. i want to leave. my therapy was moved to friday. i feel like those signs in windows that are all yellow and blue from the sun. just sad and numb. i feel separate from everything in life again. and i don't want to be apart of it.

3.21.23 + 12:22

HUNGER

how is it the end of march already. it was only mid march just a few days ago. i hate when things move by faster than i can process. i am afraid of the time passing. i am afraid it will bring about change i am not ready for, that i cannot handle. today i had my shift alone, there was no scheduled second person so i had to run the cafe alone. oh well. i felt a deep sickness wafting inside me today. i hope i had removed it by distracting myself. i went out on the town and was frightened very much. i do not want to go out again. i don't want to do anything again. i hate doing things again and having to redo and repeat. i just can't feel my life is anything. my therapist made me do art therapy my last appointment. i called the painting "i hate you". my mouth and body feel sick and ugly. i feel dehydrated and wilting. i don't want to move or get up. i just want to curl. like a pill bug. and sleep. i don't know what im doing. im so out of it. i hope to be reeled back in in a good way. in a sweet way. i just want to be smart. and good. and i want to be cherished. and i don't want to do anything. you know what it really is bothering me, that when people go out in public and they have this sense of belonging in the world, like they just need to be seen or they are owed some life of recognition and belonging. like they have this space already cut out for them and they even then get to push and pull and open up the space they are in. that they feel that they are... not entitled. thats the wrong word for it, but maybe. they are so confident in the fact that they belong in the world and they can make space for themselves.
i do not belong in the world. i do not have a community or friends or f*************M//////////******////l*****y or a life. i do not have any space in myself. there was nothing etched for me, nothing carved out, and i seem to be missing the tools that other people use to carve out a space for themselves. i have no desire to even belong, that is the juxtaposition. i want so so so so badly to belong but i hate hate hate hate hate hate this world and its people. not directly though, its a jealousy hatred. i don't have that same "i SHOULD get a good life" "i DESERVE good things" "other people WILL like me" "i CAN and WILL act to get what i need and want" . instead it is "i hate this life so much i do not want to be born at all" "i was born to suffer for no reason." "everyone that ever was or ever will be has abandoned me. i should not have been born and yet i was just to suffer for the entertainment of others" "i am not a person i am a prop to others no one will ever see that i am a person". i don't feel i belong anywhere in the entire world, and i am afraid and frightened and terrorized by others. and i do not even want others company because of how jealous i am. i hate reactive attachment. i hate myself. i wish i could hurt myself again just to make it so that everyone would be happy if i hurt myself everytime they would laugh and smile because i was dying. it doesn't matter. i am not a part of anything. i am not in a circle, i am not held, i am not cradled or thought fondly of. i am just absolutely nothing.
well there is the end of that rant. i just had to get it out of myself. everything is rotting inside and outside of me. i want to go to therapy. i want to go to sleep. i will try and wake up in a new day. i will try to do anything at all. i will try to clean myself and go to sleep in a clean and good way. i want to belong. i want to be safe. in my own world. in a way that doesn't touch anyone else. i HATE being conscious. i HATE IT!!! it is so painful. it is so painful. it is so painful.

3.14.23 + 11:09

SNOWDAY

could not go into work this morning. the roads were not plowed and it was still coming down heavily. i am lost as to what to do today. i maybe want to read my book, but like all things i am stuck. i made myself tea, i made myself coffee. shouldn't that be all the activities? i don't even want to draw. i just want to go to sleep again. or eat something delicious.

i took a nap. i feel okay. not much like anything. im just looking forward to therapy tomorrow.

3.13.23 + 2:56

THE LONGEST DAY

well. what a seriously terrible day i had yesterday. i was awake for... 30 hours straight. the day before (saturday) i had told my lead barista who is leaving i could take the sunday closing tomorrow. to make it easier for him since sunday closes always suck plus he has to work with one of our coworkers who doesn't like him. plus its an 8 hour shift so i would be getting more money. i closed as usual got home at 10 and stayed up the entire night crying. i tried everything to go to sleep. since this was on such short notice the rest of the f*//////**m///***/////ly was going to boston that day at 7 so i was dropped off for my 11-7:30 at 6 am. 5:50 i was awake and then i got dropped off at the starbucks near my work and i ordered a nitro cold brew with vanilla sweet cream. my body was so tired. i read "the body keeps the score" for the 4 hours i had until i could go into the store. i forgot a pen so i couldn't journal all the important thoughts i had. reading some of the stories in there made me feel like my brain was being run through a thick and viscous vibrational static, where the static so packed together and dark. my brain was reading words on the page but i couldn't see them. it was strange. i was so tired. my feet hurt to stand on. then i went in for work. and it was so so busy. i kept thinking "why did i agree to do this. why did i agree to do this. i wish i could back out." i was exhausted. what a long day.. it felt like it would never end. or that i would collapse before i finished working. i am restless, so restless and worried. worrying so much until i cry. i just want things to be better. and i want to nap.

3.12.23 + 12:15

DISHES

so many dishes today. stacks and stacks and stacks. i was asked to come in early today, so i did and it was terribly busy and there were so many dishes. a monstrous amount. and now i took an 8 hour shift for tomorrow. i have to get up at 6 am. i am an idiot. my body feels afraid. and i want to go home. i have watched all the hunger games, before i had only seen bits and pieces. it makes me so restless, seeing people care about each other. seeing people love each other. yes i am jealous. and restless. i cannot stop moving and running around to think about what it would be like if people cared about me. if i was beautiful and good. and it makes me unable to sleep. i don't think i could get it out, i don't think i could explain myself, how much of a trance it puts me in to see these relationships. to see people be so beautiful and strong and cared. it is making me go crazy. i need it. i need it. this affliction never stops. needing to be bitten down on, like a puppy or kitten. to be held so whole. to be held so entirely. i am so restless. i am so restless.

3.10.23 + 10:23

MOURNING DOVE

i am so scared of getting sick. my coworker came in sick today and i am so nervous. they did not wear a mask and i double masked because i am so nervous i am going to get sick again. whenever i get sick i get totally put out of comission. i hate the sound of sickness people make, it makes me want to run away and hide. ugh i can't take it. i feel sick but maybe i am psyching myself out. i just hope i will be fine. i did not do much today, besides go to work and sleep in a bunch. i just want to keep dreaming. i have not had a dream yet in a bit though that has struck me. maybe that is a good thing. i just don't want to get sick. i am very hungry and want to eat hotpot again. i like the broth, i like the meat, i like the vegetables. i have to eat green with meals otherwise i will feel sick. it has to be color balanced. i am worried about the future. i am worried. just worried. and i feel as though i have no place in the world at all. as always. maybe i will curl up eventually. or fit in suddenly like trying to assemble a pump. finally with the right pressure and angel i will slide in. like going down an ice chute. or going into a pool.

3.08.23 + 7:51

INARI

today my therapist noticed i was so sad she played my little pony matching memory with me. it is my favorite game ever. it sits on her shelf and when i talk i stare at it intensely. it is soothing. the first game we drew but the second game i won. yay for me. this weekend i ate a lot of hotpot and good food. so delicious, it makes me so happy. i want to buy new clothes. i am feeling good from therapy. i liked playing the game. it makes me happy so much. my therapist told me today is an ADL day. "activities of daily living". like laundry and hygeine and cooking and cleaning. i am struggling to get things done. and my room is becoming messier. it was so clean and now it is returning to the previous state. i am worried very worried. but i will try to upkeep. i want to eat more inari, i love tofu skin and aged tofu. so delicious it makes me happy. i wish i was better. i wish the torture room would end. i wish for all the things good to come to me. i will be good. it will be ok. when i talk to my therapist i cover my face and move my body a lot because i am. strange. i do not know why i do it. but i do it all the time there. am i ashamed of myself. or is it just too hard to say.

3.04.23 + 2:41

THUNDERSNOW

hello march... today riding back after work it was snowing so heavily, and in the clouds there was lightning. i have not much to write i think. i am just in limbo. my world is shifting. the lead barista quit and i need to look for a new job. because i think the other barista who is not a senior will leave too. and i hate my job and my manager is cruel disturbed. and i need to get paid for. i am almost at one year at this job. i am supposed to move out this year. i don't know how im going to do it. i just have no interest in really living, so doing anything is hard. i love my therapist. also my coworker apparently was on antipsychotics, and that makes me jealous. not only are they recognized for their pain by everyone around them but they get medication for it. and also they are now off the medication, choosing to not even use it. jesus christ i want to die. it makes me unimaginably jealous. unimaginably fucking insanely jealous. my psychiatrist i had from MCPAP never found me a new one after he left like he said he would and it makes me sad. my therapist said to work towards calling the behavioral hospital near me but i cannot bring myself to do it. i think she forgot we were supposed to and it makes me sad. i have so many phone calls to make. but i don't want to spend my session doing stupid phone calls i want to talk and talk.
i am very nervous as well to hear back from the poetry competition i submitted to. i am literally holding my breath crossing my fingers i win. i want to be talented. i hope they will forgive me and give me a chance. but i know it is not guaranteed. i can only hope i am talented. i feel like i have no aim in my life, because i don't really want to be alive anyways. also i did not get to make the new drink board this month with the paint markers and that makes me sad. but i am trying not to be. i am trying to do anything at all. i feel like if i am not beautiful then there is no point to being alive because if i am ugly everything i will do will be ugly too.
please make me beautiful.
i am hoping for guidance through the terror. i am hoping i will be like the lightning in the snow storm and i will be clear and angelic and true. please help me. please help me through the terror.
i want to buy new clothes too. i want to be anew. i cannot wait to eat hotpot tomorrow so yummy.