3.27.24 + 9:34 AM

LAVENDER

i have not bathed in a week. i just hurt all over. it feels like there are huge sores all over inside my stomach and chest. i am just not feeling good right now. and it will pass. yes. whenever in this life that will happen for me. the angels mock me, and they circle me it feels like.
had a dream about going to sleep and all the candy on my teeth, dark red flesh-like sour cherry pieces rotting holes straight through my teeth. large ovals and slivers and chunks just through. i dreampt about sleeping in my old room. i feel sick. and it hurts. i am a zombie. i am dead. i do not wish to do anything. i got a promotion at work, finally after 2 years and i don't feel anything. spit falls from my lips and all over my chest, and i stare at nothing, and it stirs nothing inside me. nothing does.

the man i am seeing, he cradles me in his arms and rocks me, kisses me on my face, he rubs my back and pushes me against his chest. i don't feel anything but hurt. i am inherently. born and sewn into me. shameful and sick and disgusting. i am nothing. i am so upset i cannot move. i do not feel anything akin to comfort, safety, except a foreign dead need, wrapped in attic dust and many veins of veils stained dark brown with old blood. i feel sharp stabbing pain and loss. deep and profound, anger. it thunders inside me, no matter how gentle, or how tightly he holds me, it doesn't register. i feel like a dead child left in their crib, staring up at the ceiling as it decomposes, my hair falling out of the slits of the wood. when he picks me up, i am dead weight.

i just want to be saved despite that it will never happen. when it comes to this extreme hopelessness so familiar inside me, like it was written in suture wire in my cold muscles, i just accept.

3.20.24 + 12:27 AM

DENIAL HIGHWAY

i did some facepainting for some kids at my job. they pet my head and seemed to like it. the bookseller i am talking to, sometimes it is hard for me to wrap my head around the fact he believes in jesus so strongly. i forget, because of my own extreme fragmented sewn together frankenstein of a faith. and he believes it all as truth and gospel. there is no gospel in my world, besides the gospel that death does not come until you have suffered endlessly. i talked about it to my therapist, the fact that my life has destroyed and shattered and burnt and raped my faith and understanding of the world into dust, like some motorcyclist's body stretched and shredded across miles of the highway, his blood streaking so far across the road, torn apart and turned into red and pink sheets and flesh. it's strange to me.

i picked up a shift for work, then slept 15 hours. today i showered and had a small shift, but feel exhausted, which doesn't make any sense. i barely did anything today. my muscles hurt and i am so tired.

my f***th****r says it looks like the life has been taken away from me. that i should be at the prime of my youth and my life, and instead i look dead and gone. he says he wants me to be happy, to enjoy life. the pain those words bring me is unfathomable. ultimate betrayal. my therapist says they are just not smart people.

all i dream of is bright grass and highway, and dark storming sky.

3.14.24 + 6:45 PM

SMALL STAR

i feel much better after therapy, and sitting in the warm car and i got a rapsberry and green tea drink and i kick my feet happy. i feel much better today. and therapy went well i think. i want no more somatic pain, and i want to feel okay. i am buying a new lamp for my room so it will be warm and safe in here. i want to be a doll he holds where i am limp and do not have to respond, and he can inflict his affection onto me, and i will not have to speak.

3.13.24 + 9:20 PM

DEATH SPIRAL ALLIGATOR MOVES

woke up at 4 pm today. slept at 8 am and i cried all night. my collarbones hurt, its like all the muscles of my neck and above my ribs are stretching and splitting like lamb tendons, like fish when you flake the flesh open, like meat when you bite into it, the remnants of perfect design turn into little shreds. it aches so hard in me, and i any sweetness or niceness given to me i hate, and i spit back and spiral deep, any hand on my face i dig my teeth in, and twirl, until im curled up alone, and blood splatter perfect spiral around me. i am a very bad puppy. and in that way, true intimacy will never befall me, and i will thrash and cry until no one can hold me, and then cry confusedly and crawl to your legs and scream why, why will no one hold me? as if i am not repulsed by even the thought of any human touch or thought or interaction. i hate having RAD and yet it is the only comfort that i can hold, that i can tolerate, the thought of even being born again to "loving" p***r***nts physically makes me sick and i hate it.

i wish i would just lay silently and never talk again and he can hold my face and i won't have to look at him. i want to hide away.

but, it is one of those things, that crying about it will not fix, and crying to anyone will not fix it. i have therapy tomorrow.

3.13.24 + 1:19 AM

STAY

another night of no sleep. i don't work tomorrow, or thursday which is nice. smoking coworker informed me today she joined the airforce. she will go to bootcamp in a few months and if she continues to do well in school she'll be a rank higher than all the other airmen, or privates, or whatever they're called. i don't know if i care. i think it is stupid to join the military, at least i know i never would want anyone i care about to. but i guess if it is what she wants to do what does it matter to me.

everyone at work seems to be doing great, and just having nice or exciting or big steps happen to them. i feel very repulsed and rejected and alone in my little corner, and at least i feel safe. or, normal. or, something else. it is strange, i feel happier and safer when i feel misunderstood and disconnected, and just my own person. it just feels much more comfortable, and not like i am being washed away and suffocated. i feel a strange happiness like i am vindicated and purposeful. bizarre. to any regular attached person. but there is no womb, no water, and no blood of christ that flows through me and holds me down, and when people look or stare at me, i feel them see the great gaping decaying body of mine, an emptiness eternal, flesh penetrated and stretched open permanently. and i feel a strange similar dance, like ballet engraved into me, at the fact i am dead, and that i am me. i want to go back to that little cathedral, and take a hundred candles and walk in the rain with them, and the wax and heat in my body will keep them alight through the darkest thunderstorm.

i am hiding. i think. and i am hiding and curled up safe in my own protective grave. it is okay.

3.12.24 + 1:36 AM

FALLING ASLEEP

everynight i cry until 6 am curled up in my bed very cold about what it means if god and jesus hate me and if they knew what my life would be and have me be born anyways and then knew that i am going to hell if it is real and they are and i'll be in pain for eternity and have me be born anyways, and it hurts in my heart very bad. that is why the truth is that i am just a ragged and lost angel of suffering, frankenstein.

bookseller sent me the pictures i asked him to take in the casino even though you're not supposed to, but near the hotel there is very beautiful stained glass and i couldn't help myself.




so beautiful.
will i ever be myself again? was i ever myself? i am not sure. i think there is a very clear and turbulent tear of flesh that lives in me and comes out in soft weeping sounds and concentrated strikes to the face. my nails keep chipping and breaking so i spent some time today filing them and putting some sort of lacquer on them that's supposed to keep them from breaking. i was able to bathe and i sorted the gigantic pile of laundry into lights and darks. tomorrow i work. i am doing face painting for an event soon, and i hope my face painting skills are okay and people will not be mad at me. it is really simple designs and so i hope it won't be so bad.

3.10.24 + 4:16 AM

UFC

bookseller took me out to a casino, near us. it is so strange. people stared at me when i walked on his arm around the tables for blackjack and poker, and when we passed all the flashing machines. it is so incredibly strange and a new experience, watching people gamble on those machines, i find it completely unreadable when the dials spin and the images flash, i don't think i could figure out how to gamble if i wanted to. it felt like a lot of eyes were on me it was scary, but we got free drinks, and we got seats and watched all the ufc fighters tonight. it was big fights, people were screaming and shouting and someone lost 120,000 dollars on a fighter. he took me to get some candy after, and i looked at him sweetly, and he laughed and said for me to not to look so guilty, i should know he'll pay for it. it was a fun night i think.

this week, i also went to a coworker's house because she invited me, her half brother, and the bookseller to have a board game night. me and the bookseller bought a bunch of board games, and we played until 2 am. it was fun, but i felt uncomfortable, i dont know this girl well, but she really wanted to hang out with me. it was a really nice night though i think, the games were fun even if i felt out of place.

i need to do laundry. immediately. im out of clothes to wear.

3.6.24 + 12:06 AM

MAGNOLIA

my m******m made me take out my wall plug in because it is too sweet. i am sad, maybe a flower one will be better. i had a big upset and freak out too, because i let the male bookseller over while everyone went to the movies without me, and i was lonely. i got caught sneaking him out the back, and then cried and screamed about how sorry i was to my p******r*********nts. i feel like a child. and i know i am very stupid, but i do not go around kidding myself thinking i am particularly intelligent or reasonable. no, i am very aware i am still just a little girl, and very stunted. when they yell at me or get mad at me, it feels like i am about to die, and they are going to kill me, and it hurts inside so bad. i need to talk to my therapist about it, because i forget when i behave my brain deletes everything and washes it all out. but i am just trying to forget, and not be shameful, because it is making me sick and sore all over. my stuntedness feels even more intense. i feel like i am small and afraid. tomorrow, i am supposed to go over and hang out with another girl from work, and the male bookseller. i do not want to go, but i am going anyways because it will be fine, and i will have fun probably.
i need to do laundry. i want to see my therapist. i have the next two days off of work. and i am getting a haircut on the day of my therapy appointment. recently i have been playing a lot of wizard101 because it is my favorite game ever. i love my wizard and all my pets and everything. it is so fun. i have been playing since i think 2010? 2009? i have been taking pictures of the in game stuff too, because i want to make a page on my site about it. i want to go back to the shrine and buy a candle, and pray for the hurt in this world. i want to go eat more prosciutto. today it feels like a good after-cry, where you just sit there numb and neutral and you can feel fine and not sick.

3.2.24 + 11:51 PM

I SPEND MONEY

i went out and bought things today... and i am biting my fingers asking for forgiveness. it is really painful that i am back to bad spending habits. i bought code veronica for my ps2, and spirit camera for my 3ds. and they had a sale at victoria's secret and i had a coupon.. so i wanted to get something there too... just awful.
my laundry pile reaches nearly up the wall. its shameful, and ugly, and i am running out of clothes.! i got a rose matcha today from an italian cafe i had wanted to revisit so badly, and i got a prosciutto foccacia sandwhich, which all the fat got stuck in my teeth and it was a pain to eat, but still delicious, though id prefer it heated or toasted oh well. work was fine. i bought something to make my room smell nice, a wall plugin, so i can not worry about fire or exploding while i sleep. it smells good, i got a bunch of different flavors, or, scents. the one i have in right now is cannoli scented.

i think about how the rain smells.i predicted it was going to rain the other day, and then it did the next day. the male bookseller was impressed and he remembered. i had a weird dream last night about a towering house and structure full of crane machines that i wanted princess luna from my little pony plushes of, but everytime it would drop the prize, even if i grabbed princess luna, it wouldn't be her. there was melted salt and ice all over the floor, and a huge huge huge towering christmas tree, and the whole room was spinning or rotating like a carousel.

my nails keep chipping and falling apart. they were growing long and strong for a while. i wonder what changed.

3.1.24 + 3:09 PM

TEACH ME

welcome back to this world i say.

my february was full of strange events. it was almost entirely work and therapy. no snow. it makes me sad, and makes me mournful for winter. is the season really dead? it is cold, sure, but there is no snow, no frost, the ground still moves under my feet. what i did see, were many many deer. i think almost every week, a group of deer, mostly does, would cross my path.

my room, which was previously almost inhabitable, i could not see the floor or walk on it. it was a real reflection of my pain and psychotic paralysis. i don't think i had cleaned or changed any of it, since i had returned from college three years ago. my room was so full of clothes and garbage and things i was too upset and sad to throw away or fix, it felt like a safe tomb, that i was protected, at the same time, very sick. like i was so stuck. it was a reflection of a moment of time, of a dead body i was carrying around.

the male bookseller i am seeing, came over and helped me clean, we threw away i think, nine or ten garbage bags, and it became so clean, and now i have a clean floor. the room is not completely done, or clean, but it is a hundred times better. it has improved my quality of life so much.

for valentines day, i bought my coworker who had recently had a very bad breakup with their partner a t-shirt, and a pin. the bookseller bought me a perfume, and a precious moments lamb plush. it was an okay day. my heart is a sunken wooden heel.

smoking coworker hurt me in a specific way. the man who got the promotion over me, got a second promotion. now, i have been at this job for two years with no promotion, and he has been here less than a year with two promotions. he had also made targeted and passive aggressive comments towards my quality of work, and a cute drawing i did on a board, saying "if you can draw on the board you can read what it says". the context was, that he had written "don't leave chem on counters". what is chem? what did i leave on the counter? i have no idea. he nitpicks every single thing, and then leaves early when i close with him leaving me with no help and no one to sign off on managerial checklists so i have to make a manager on the bookside do it. smoking coworker wrote a big "good job" and drew a smiley face with glasses under the announcement on the board, and specifically pointed it out to me, even though i have expressed to her how i don't like him and feel uncomfortable and upset by the situation, but she still did it. there is no requirement or need to write that. but she did it, and then specifically showed me. i felt very betrayed and upset.
i have gone back to feeling rejected and misunderstood by everyone at work, and feeling talked down to and stupid.

i talked to my therapist about god, and how i felt a big big wound inside me, that i had cried out for so long to be saved, for a savior, and yet i was never saved, never helped, no matter how much i reached out or cried or screamed. it just hurts. my art therapy painting turned out very beautiful i think.


february was other than that, just time to rest, and be hurt, and watch some of my bruises fade, and my clear sick blood leak from my body. i feel less psychically blocked, and more able to take care of things.