3.20.25 + 8:23 PM

FAST HOT WEATHER

yup im different now. intensely bloated, so i walked about an hour today. slept for a long time last night. the wind smells so beautiful, but it's not supposed to smell this way until late april and may. just goes to show our world is dying faster. i've never smelt soft heavy and hot rain air in march, march is frosty, impermantent, and hollow. and this is the time when march comes in like a lamb or lion, which i always seemed to realize once it came to be april that living on the north coast would mean lion marches forever. is this the first lamby march i've experienced? i think so. it's so hard to breathe, my stomach and organs feel like they're in a giant knot, imovable and matted. when the neighbors talk to me, i feel embarrassed, and even though i am into young adulthood now, i still feel like i am a child, and that when i speak to them, i am a child speaking to an adult, rather than two adults.

yesterday we drove on the backroads to CT, and bookseller said one thing he's really learned and admired about me, is my intelligence. he said that i'm one of the few people he's met where he feels like asking me about nearly any topic will result in a thorough and truly thoughtful answer, and he really is impressed by how smart i am. that's nice to hear, it's hard to accept though. when he says something like that, i just think.... okay. i don't really take it for face value, because any compliment could just be a way to stuff me up with feathers and tar. it's no good anyways to just talk badly about myself or reject the kind words.

it's hard to lay down and breathe. i feel so uncomfortable. i fed myself today. maybe i am having such difficulty because of my fasting. i don't know. i want to finish my new site layout and pages and everything. my progress on my art and other WIPs is so slow it's painful. i hope i am as smart as he says, so i am not incapable and dumb. i need to clean and fix my room. i can't help it that everything feels dirty. so stupid perception senses. i will figure it out. bookseller called a hiring agency for me, so hopefully i find work soon. i find myself feeling really conflicted and confused about where to go in life. i feel so far away from my body, and from my own mind. it's really jarring. i just hope that i can be productive, and do whatever will help me survive. i feel so disappointed in myself, but how is that going to help me if it doesn't spur action. i am so zombie right now. earlier today it was better, cause i walked and cooked. but now i just feel so, sinking.

3.18.25 + 8:13 PM

AQUINIS

today i sat out in a lawnchair and read my book about medieval women while bookseller cleaned up sticks and branches in blonde coworker's mom's yard.

im feeling really pissy and unwell. i don't know. i already just want to go to sleep again, not really interested in doing anything awake. i'm so bloated and lethargic, my body just does not feel good, whenever i eat i feel so dirty and disgusting. it is really upsetting. i have no energy. the other night i was up until 6 am making scones for my m*******/////////////m's work thing, but all she did was complain about the glaze i put ontop. she originally asked for 2 dozen, but then said she needed 12, so i made 16, and she came back with 4, so in reality all she needed was for me to make a singular batch, which was 8 scones. so i made double the scones for basically no reason. i was so exhausted, and so excited to sleep.
i feel so dirty today. i feel so so dirty. i am feeling so dirty. i showered today. i just feel dirty inside and all over. i feel so stupid and dumb, and really incapable, but when do i not feel that kind of way, so all things considered, it just really doesn't matter. i want to just go to sleep. the more shame and anger i feel towards myself about the problem, i will not be encouraged to fix it, and it will just mount upon itself and become an even bigger thing, so i have to tear down my shame and anger, and try to relate to the probelm more positively, and without cruelty towards myself. i read my book a lot today, which was good. that's a good thing i did. and i made matcha for myself. i just have to take some actions, and be proactive. thats the only way i will feel better about the problem, is if i start approaching it, instead of self immolating.

3.16.25 + 1:58 PM

WHITE CHOCOLATE AND SALTED BUTTER

really worried baout my memory. i couldn't remember that my probiotics ive been taking for the last two weeks were stored in the fridge, i was looking in the cabinet for them. i feel like my brain is dying. im really concerned. i spent a few days laying in bed, trying to manage. big blowout fight happened within the people who live in this house with each other. it was really crazy. i feel powerless, i have to not be totally braindead. im just scared that i won't be able to fix whatever is wrong. maybe all my neural pathways are dying off becuase im so stressed i just lay down and try to manage the stress pain. i am scared that im totally losing it, and that my memory is going to be completely destroyed. i am worried about my brain, it's really scaring me. is it some sort of issue with fragmentation, or just my own paranoia, or stress, or something structural like my neurons are all dying.

bookseller came over last night and i had an episode and it's so embarrassing. when he kisses and holds me i just feel, so far away, like i can't really feel his fingers on my back or in my hair, or what kissing feels like. it's really shameful. as much as i try to come into my body, into the sensation of closeness, i always feel like im being shoved out and away, there's an invisible barrier between my skin and my brain. i made popcorn with white choclate, milk chocolate, salted butter, and oreos crushed up, and we watched Goodfellas. it was nice, i really liked the movie a lot. i wish i watched it first before i watched the sopranos. tonight i should be going over to blonde coworker's house and watching a movie. that will be fun.

i am really upset about my memory problems. i feel really ashamed of myself. like it's a moral failing. i'm scared and paranoid i'm developing something worse. that i'll be completely out of reality by the time i'm 30 or something. i don't know. is the stress that bad i'm losing memory? or is it because i try to drown myself in constant videos and stimulation to dissociate from the stress pain? i don't know. i just know i need to fix it. i'm so scared. maybe i'm overreacting.

3.13.25 + 9:58 PM

TEXTRACTOR

it genuinely feels like 3 weeks have passed. time dilates weirdly. my sleep is pretty much smashed to bits. but i don't look at it as a bad or good thing, just as something that is. woke up at around 7:30 PM today. yesterday i woke up at 6 am and then napped in the afternoon, so no wonder i failed out of being awake during the day. it is really bizarre to me just how difficult it feels to try and be awake and present during the daytime, mostly because when the other people in this house are awake i literally feel paralyzed physically and mentally, to the point where i don't go to the bathroom, don't feed myself, don't drink any water, and am so limited i don't even read or go on the computer in my own room, i just lay in bed and toss and turn for hours. it is so embarrassing. i feel like im regressing hardcore. and i don't want to regress.

i had probably one of the worst pain episodes yesterday, all alone in my bed. it went away as it always does after a couple hours, same as the one i had in the car with bookseller. but he wasn't there this time, so i had to take care of myself. it is so bizarre because i will be in so much unbearable pain that i will cry, but then i just randomly stop and continue to lay there with a straight face, like i can just endure silently forever, and that expression of real and genuine pain or fear or sadness is an act. i can't explain it how i want to.

finally got a vn translator to work, somewhat. a therapist emailed me back about her waitlist, which i was happy about. it's about 3-6 months out until an opening, i feel like that's not so bad. i like all the stuff she focuses on in her practice. i feel like with any therapist though, i'm not going to get everything i can out of it becuase i still live with my "f//////////////m//////////////ly". but some progress is better than none. i'm not sure what to do. i'll think about it for a few days and then come to whether i want to be on the waitlist or not. it's so far out that maybe it'll give me some more time to think whether i actually want to see her or someone else. i don't know.

i forgot, two days ago i went out with three of my old coworkers from my barista job. it was really interesting, i had already known smoking coworkers personality outside of work, but the others were interesting. we got lunch, i got a butterfly pea tea macaroon, and a sandwhich and some peach blossom tea. it was good. i embarrassmed myself miserably, and it was almost compulsive. i have to work on engraining the social traits i want, instead of sacrificing myself for laughs, or gossiping about other people we know. even if i am genuinely frustrated with others behavior, i felt bad talking bad. i smoked a cigarette, and ate moroccan mint tea ice cream. some lady we passed by in her car asked us if we were witches. she told us about her sister or her cousin who is a witch, but she wouldn't tell us what the woman practices because in her words "it's a secret, and kind of illegal". very bizarre conversation. i had fun, but i definitely want a better social personality. i find that i dislike how fawning and loud i am, needing to entertain or feeling responsible for everyone else's enjoyment. but nonetheless, i was social, and went out downtown. so i think it's a win. this week, i just need to focus on feeding myself, and actually making progress and working.

3.10.25 + 6:23 AM

HEADLESS MOLESTED

i just don't feel a lot. worked on trying to get a visual novel translator to work on my computer, winrar 3 million files. i don't know. tonight i watched hereditary with bookseller and blonde coworker. neither of them had seen the whole thing, but i had. scariest part of that movie is that your family will knowingly or unknowingly kill you as a baby and pass down all the disgusting slop and force it back and forth in your mouth until you throw up and die and if you can't realize they really meant it when they hurt you you will kill your own baby too. so i don't really know what to think of the movie at all.

woke up at 6 pm again today. i don't feel like doing much. i don't know whether to sleep, or to try and work on my computer. uh. i don't know. i can't bake either until the people leave the house. i don't really know what im doing right now. with both life in general, and my day to day, i am struggling, but that's true for most of the time. i'll think of what to do soon. i don't think i want to sleep, because i'll probably sleep for 12 hours again, and then i'll be back here again. so i guess i'll stay up until i can sleep.

physically hearing my "m////////////m" and "d/////////////////////d" talk is so painful and sickening i actually start to get sick, and completely collapse physically like someone had tasered me. bookseller said that if things got so bad i needed to live somewhere else he'd do everything in his power to get me out, and to let me live with him.

i feel so... mournful. i want to be smart. i got good grades in highschool and on my SAT, i can reason, and think, as well as i can. but as soon as i got to college it's like i instantly tried to kill myself at every chance i could, and just gave up on academic life. i got into colleges with very slim acceptance rates, but my "p/////r/////nts" refused to help me at all and told me every bad thing about the colleges i got into, so i went to one with a pretty low accetance rate that was my last choice because that was the one they picked. now im paying back everything myself, for the one semester i actually did before hanging myself. i just feel so confused. why did i do that. why couldn't i have just powered through, full steam. i would have already graduated by now with a bachelors, already have been done with college, unless i wanted to continue for more degrees or education. i just feel so...... i can't find the word to say it. i don't know if it's that i'm disappointed, becuase moreso i'm baffled and confused. i feel like i'm just here, with all of my previous actions nonsensical and bizarre. though, i feel compassion for myself because i think i was genuinely out of my mind. why did i just instantly self destruct, when all throughout highschool i knew that failure or anything less than perfection was never an option. i would literally be throwing up, screaming and thrashing on the floor because i was so terrified and terrorized out of my mind for lower grades and accomplishments. i mean, maybe it's no wonder i tried to kill myself in college.

i just feel so lost now. i don't know if i could reasonably or feasibly go back if i wanted to. many days, i look at myself in the mirror and just think "what the hell happened?!?!?". i want to feel good about myself and be brave and think hard, and critically think and analyze, i want to have a higher education. but i'm so scared that if i go back to college or take courses, that self destruct trigger will cause me to try my best to genuinely end my life, or i'll completely be shut down in my brain, and i'll fail out of all of my classes again. if i go back to college or do courses i don't want to waste more money or time if i can't handle it. it's so frustrating to me, because i want to have an achievement like that, but i don't know if i'm making another mistake. i mean im not even working right now, how sad is that? am i really that incapable? i thought i was a hardworker when i was working, i mean i'd consistently do a ton of hours, always come in on days off or do extended shifts. i would train every position i could, do events and extra stuff. i just feel really confused when judging my own capabilities. and at my previous job i'd be doing an entire section by myself from 5AM to 3. i just feel so sad that i don't have clarity about myself, about what i should do. i look at these girls i know, they're doing college and work. i just look at myself and go, jeez, i'm totally at a loss. i discussed it with my old therapist, she said something at the time about people having different resilience. i feel like everytime i try something, it's a complete dice roll, totally up to chance, because i don't feel that i can accurately judge my own skills, capabilities, and judgement.

i will pray for wisdom and strength. i pray everyone on earth to be protected and soothed.

3.5.25 + 10:15 PM

COOKIE DOUGH OOLONG

today i woke up at 5 pm. worst ever i know. i don't know how im going to fix this, but i always come around to fixing my sleep schedule eventually. i went to panera in the rain and wrote with bookseller, we did writing exercises and stuff. i made oolong tea. i hope i can get some painting work done, and some coding done on my new site look, if im going to be up so much....

3.3.25 + 11:50 PM

PINK CHAI

i feel really sad today. not much to do about it. just live with it.
i had pink chai. i just feel really sad. i was a bit stronger earlier i wrote a whole entry thinking about pain and keeping strong but i just sigh because psychomotor retardation overtakes me, and i tried to write some prose and my hands just went all flat and limp on the keyboard, it's difficult to type this out now. i hate this useless feeling, maybe i should just go to sleep. my body hurts from my emotional pain, i feel like i'm going to throw up. just be strong. just be strong and pray. just be strong and pray. just be strong and pray. and i won't deny myself from the pain, becuase it does hurt, and that's okay. it's okay to go from ingenue, to child, in the pain. i have to be strong. and face the fear of total collapse mentally and physically. as if my mind collapses, i will lose all motor functions too, and then i will really be in trouble tomorrow. i just have to be strong. i just have to be compassionate. i just have to be strong. i just have to be compassionate to myself. i just have to pray to God and the angels to help me. i just have to know that it's not punishment. it's just struggle. i can do it. i can nurse from the pain, but also turn away from it, and let myself simply look back at it.

body waxing and waning from total pain and torture corruption, to inner strength and balanced feeling, like more body is upright instead of upside down.

3.2.25 + 8:47 PM

LET'S ALL GO TO THE LOBBY

i submitted my poems for the contest. i hope i win. but that's all i can do is pray i win to get prize money and published. i think i did a good job. it was so last minute, but my process is relatively the same if i had more time. im just glad i submitted anything.
i have relatively the same meal every night miso soup with wakame, and jade pearl rice. it's good, but i can tell only eating one bowl of that meal is letting my body down. i pray it nourishes me everytime, but i can see that it's not the best to only just eat that. i'm just really stressed and afraid, and it makes me want to just fast until everything is better.

im so tired. my dreams are more eventful, maybe that means my brain is healing. they're strange but not torture, and not drivel either. i meant to post a picture of my swan cake but i forgot, i think this week i will bake another one, now that i know the process better, so hopefully it will be less rudimentary, and more awesome.
here's my swan cake.!

keep on praying. it was difficult to bathe myself this week, but i did it today too. i want to get a nice dress for my birthday. i feel neutral, and softer. i am just really grateful. i think i will try to fast for lent, with my medical condition it may be more difficult, but i want to do my best.

3.1.25 + 5:59 PM

LIVIDITY

good morning march. i try to pray the ways i can. my body is dying, cold and sallow, i can't wash myself. at least i can feed myself. i always feel like im being punished. i hate that, i feel like i bring it on myself. doing my best to complete my writing before the deadline. the same contest i entered before. i'll be disappointed if i don't get as far as i did last time. i think my poems are good.

in my waking life whatever i try to drink or eat smells like my face being pushed against my will into the smell of ugly horrible defilement skin. i hate how i am censoring myself, i just want to express it truly. but i just feel these mental blocks, hard like bone spurs in my mind.

bookseller surprised me yesterday by coming over while i was baking a cake later in the evening. i decorated it with a swan in swiss meringue buttercream. the inside was checkerboard, vanilla, and then a last minute amalgamation of almond extract, strawberry extract, and rose syrup. he just sat and watched most of the time because i was so embarrassed that i was in my 5 day nightgown, and an old my little pony shirt, and my body wasn't clean and unwashed. how horribly humiliating. he said we hadn't seen each other in so long. it saved me, i knew God will take care of me. he came and held me, rubbed my back, i felt bad but i couldn't help but just have him sit there, it was a surprise and i hadn't expected him, so all i could do was run around making my cake. then he went home after we tried it, and i made him matcha and we drank it together. i must become strong. i must become beautiful.