3.5.25 + 10:15 PM

COOKIE DOUGH OOLONG

today i woke up at 5 pm. worst ever i know. i don't know how im going to fix this, but i always come around to fixing my sleep schedule eventually. i went to panera in the rain and wrote with bookseller, we did writing exercises and stuff. i made oolong tea. i hope i can get some painting work done, and some coding done on my new site look, if im going to be up so much....

3.3.25 + 11:50 PM

PINK CHAI

i feel really sad today. not much to do about it. just live with it.
i had pink chai. i just feel really sad. i was a bit stronger earlier i wrote a whole entry thinking about pain and keeping strong but i just sigh because psychomotor retardation overtakes me, and i tried to write some prose and my hands just went all flat and limp on the keyboard, it's difficult to type this out now. i hate this useless feeling, maybe i should just go to sleep. my body hurts from my emotional pain, i feel like i'm going to throw up. just be strong. just be strong and pray. just be strong and pray. just be strong and pray. and i won't deny myself from the pain, becuase it does hurt, and that's okay. it's okay to go from ingenue, to child, in the pain. i have to be strong. and face the fear of total collapse mentally and physically. as if my mind collapses, i will lose all motor functions too, and then i will really be in trouble tomorrow. i just have to be strong. i just have to be compassionate. i just have to be strong. i just have to be compassionate to myself. i just have to pray to God and the angels to help me. i just have to know that it's not punishment. it's just struggle. i can do it. i can nurse from the pain, but also turn away from it, and let myself simply look back at it.

body waxing and waning from total pain and torture corruption, to inner strength and balanced feeling, like more body is upright instead of upside down.

3.2.25 + 8:47 PM

LET'S ALL GO TO THE LOBBY

i submitted my poems for the contest. i hope i win. but that's all i can do is pray i win to get prize money and published. i think i did a good job. it was so last minute, but my process is relatively the same if i had more time. im just glad i submitted anything.
i have relatively the same meal every night miso soup with wakame, and jade pearl rice. it's good, but i can tell only eating one bowl of that meal is letting my body down. i pray it nourishes me everytime, but i can see that it's not the best to only just eat that. i'm just really stressed and afraid, and it makes me want to just fast until everything is better.

im so tired. my dreams are more eventful, maybe that means my brain is healing. they're strange but not torture, and not drivel either. i meant to post a picture of my swan cake but i forgot, i think this week i will bake another one, now that i know the process better, so hopefully it will be less rudimentary, and more awesome.
here's my swan cake.!

keep on praying. it was difficult to bathe myself this week, but i did it today too. i want to get a nice dress for my birthday. i feel neutral, and softer. i am just really grateful. i think i will try to fast for lent, with my medical condition it may be more difficult, but i want to do my best.

3.1.25 + 5:59 PM

LIVIDITY

good morning march. i try to pray the ways i can. my body is dying, cold and sallow, i can't wash myself. at least i can feed myself. i always feel like im being punished. i hate that, i feel like i bring it on myself. doing my best to complete my writing before the deadline. the same contest i entered before. i'll be disappointed if i don't get as far as i did last time. i think my poems are good.

in my waking life whatever i try to drink or eat smells like my face being pushed against my will into the smell of ugly horrible defilement skin. i hate how i am censoring myself, i just want to express it truly. but i just feel these mental blocks, hard like bone spurs in my mind.

bookseller surprised me yesterday by coming over while i was baking a cake later in the evening. i decorated it with a swan in swiss meringue buttercream. the inside was checkerboard, vanilla, and then a last minute amalgamation of almond extract, strawberry extract, and rose syrup. he just sat and watched most of the time because i was so embarrassed that i was in my 5 day nightgown, and an old my little pony shirt, and my body wasn't clean and unwashed. how horribly humiliating. he said we hadn't seen each other in so long. it saved me, i knew God will take care of me. he came and held me, rubbed my back, i felt bad but i couldn't help but just have him sit there, it was a surprise and i hadn't expected him, so all i could do was run around making my cake. then he went home after we tried it, and i made him matcha and we drank it together. i must become strong. i must become beautiful.