5.25.23 + 3:35
i am angry today. i am very mad. my mouth is full of spit. i feel like i am going to vomit over and over and over but i never do. something bad is going to happen and i am afraid, or at least my angel sense knows. knows i could die, or get hurt very bad, and i am like a foaming puppy you are going to smush me. oh. there is fur in the drain.
i want to take a cold shower, my remaining stomach muscles are tightening, and i can't talk. i am angry today. something is wrong.
5.25.23 + 3:35
i hadn't showered in so long. i tried to go quickly. yesterday i cried so much. at therapy. my therapist has us do art therapy everyday. and i talked about my old job. and i cried a lot and was really frustrated. we talked about trying to access your inner child, and how that just does not work for me. i can't imagine myself as something separate. my therapist says id have to go to a point before before before trauma, as any young version of myself does not react to me at all. just blankly staring, no feeling no emotion. not even if i strangle it, not even if i smash its face in with a rock it does not cry. she said id have to go before i became ill, before i was terminal, before when i was an newborn maybe. it just doesn't make sense for me. then i screamed and cried a lot. how embarrassing. i have to dry my hair and get ready for work. the light works again in the bathroom, and it felt weird to not be in the dark to shower. i don't know.
5.21.23 + 1:35
i could have been great. but i am a coward.
today i feel nothing. i want to make some new pages. at work yesterday, this woman had a massive freak out. i had taken her order and was preparing her food, while my coworker made her drink. they were almost about to finish the drink and was pouring it and the woman goes "oh make that light ice". so my coworker turned around to look at her since they were facing away, and turned back around. then they continued to make the drink but now had to fix it to make it light ice. this woman then started yelling and screaming, and threatened to beat up and smack the shit out of my coworker and my coworker just goes "i didn't say a word to you". she then called corporate, but told everyone she threatened to assault my coworker, and my coworker hadn't actually said anything. i had a very bad reaction to the stress of this, i was in such bad pain i was doubled over, my neck and shoulders and chest felt like they were being strung up with barbed wire. it was so painful, like someone squeezing all my body and twisting it until it broke. i was sweating so badly too. and i kept having to cover my face, or had to rock. it is really embarrassing to be dramatic like that. but its like i am dying. the fear i felt was so much. how embarrassing.
5.18.23 + 6:34
im already ready to go to sleep. i feel so lonely again. i spent the day painting, eating maple sugar pecans, and feeling tired. i didn't get dressed, even went outside in my pajamas and walked in circles for a while. just kind of miserable. i haven't cleaned in so long. maybe i should play a videogame. i don't think ive actually played anything in 2 or 3 years. i don't really know what to do on days off. not that i know what to do when i have days where i go to work. i flip between feeling like there aren't enough hours in the day, and feeling like i am endlessly lonely and sad, and just want to sleep instead of having to live in the daytime, like the day is just too big. and i am too small.
i get to play stardew valley with partner i am so happy
5.17.23 + 6:15
i feel like im going to collapse. im so frustrated trying to draw it is making me physically weak. i can't make my drawings have souls in their eyes. i don't know how to draw at all. i get so frustrated and discouraged my hand becomes completely limp and my shoulders feel like ribbons or pudding. and then i want to let my body drop to the floor in a heap. i just want to paint. i just want to be able to be good at something.
i got a french vanilla macchiato today, but i drank all the sweetner flavor first oops. i had therapy today, and it was really good. i went back to the house feeling very content and peaceful, but now i feel really frustrated. why can't i be good at this. i thought i was making progress. i can't even hold up my phone, my hands start to shake and go limp. my therapist really validated me today. and i felt so happy. i don't know. i want to be able to do this. i want to be able to draw a real soul in the eyes. i want to make it look good. this just feels impossible.
5.15.23 + 11:59
my therapist has been asking me if i want to do reiki for a while now. and so has my m***************************m. she won a giftcard and wants me to go to an hour long session because it will "change my life". i don't know. i am going to go to the session, just to see if it helps at all. i don't know. my therapist raves about it and even has a table. if it is supposed to "change my life" i feel like itll lead to me becoming overwhelmingly sick, or rageful. its supposed to release stuff in you, or "re-align your energy". if it is supposed to do that i don't know why anyone would make me do that without being completely tied down and blindfolded. i feel like if it works at all i will explode. or. maybe i will never feel safe enough there and my brain will clog up and reprogram itself, and i will become an unthinking feeling nothingness and ill dissolve inside of my brain. i don't know, ill try to go in with an open mind. im more scared for if it does "work", and then right then and there on the table i will die inside of myself and never re-emerge. i hope it will be okay. i hope i will be healed. or helped. i hope whoever does it to me will not make me die.
5.12.23 + 11:57
i am really worthless. im not good at anything. i feel really hopeless today. i had therapy on the phone and it just made me more frantic i think. and i got upset at work. i feel so defeated about everything. i hate being unskilled. i don't want to live anyway. i don't know why i thought i was good at things, or desirable. i don't know why i thought i was anything. what a worthless thought. im so lonely. i don't want to do anything. all my effort goes to waste. all 0 of it. i don't know what i was thinking. i had a strange and sad and lonely dream. it was strange with lots of people and a big school campus or something. and i was crying a lot and sad. today i am hopeless. today i am hopeless. today i am hopeless. i am a bad person for being born i think. and this is my punishment. i am very very very bad. my body is weighed down with sadness i can't pick up a pen. i can't move. i just wish it was all over. and i would die. like i was supposed to.
whatever for sadness. it just doesn't matter.
5.10.23 + 11:38
today i made tempura bok choy. but i didn't fully fry them covered in batter because i was worried about making a mess. i am not too adept at making fried foods, so i filled a pan with about half an inch or maybe an inch of oil at 300 degrees and battered the open face of a halved bok choy. they were delicious! i was so proud of myself, even if i splashed oil a bit and it popped and sprayed everywhere i was so happy with the result i was fine to clean it up. nothing to say today, besides i am in pain. my therapist cancelled on me, she said she broke a rib. i was disappointed. now i have to do a phone call. i hate phone calls. i am lonely today.
5.8.23 + 11:16
i am disgusting. i want to be muscular, nothing, smoothe. i want to be impressive, army of one.
i am too fearful to say anything. i just want to unfurl myself into something new and good. i can't even write, i can't even understand my eyes are drifting far away. and it is difficult to say anything.
im so lonely these days. i want to sob and cry. i can't even do anything, my body is softening and becoming heavy, i can barely move to type, to do anything but sit. and do nothing. just shutting down. it is hard when my daily friends are my memories. it is like smashing my head into a glass wall that won't break. i want to make friends and have connections, but it all feels so far away from me. it all feels like i am an embarrassment. i want to be a certain way, but my programming makes me want to please and bow down and roll over and show my belly and appease appease appease beg beg beg. i am a bad puppy begging with my mouth hanging open, broken jaw, put my head under a car and roll me over and under, smash my eyes into heaven with a hammer i will never be alive. i want to be muscular, nothing, smoothe.
5.6.23 + 4:00
i got my long gel nails removed. the nail salon i went to was so nice and pretty. though, when i went to grab my phone out of my pocket after i paid i smeared the topcoat.. and now my nails are all wrinkly. but i don't mind. im very happy to be able to type again. and now my nails and fingers won't hurt as much. i had tempura seaweed snacks today. and i read a very good short story on this substack. i wish i knew how to be a person. i want to write another short story like the one i read. but i am no good at making people do things. in my mind, people exist and repeat the same action, over and over again forever. because that is what my life feels like. i want to draw too. i want to make friends. i want to be a social butterfly really badly. maybe i can be a social maggot. wriggle wriggle wriggle wriggel wriggel. time to go to work.
update to todays diary. why do people be cruel to me. i got a "talking to" because the counters were "sticky and crusty" this morning. I SCRUBBED THEM ALL WITH MY FINGERNAILS ON CLOTH WITH PEROXIDE CLEANER. I SOAKED IT ALL IN CLEANER AND WASHED THEM OVER AND OVER AND GOT OUT LATE BECAUSE I WAS CLEANING. WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY. they made it seem like a big serious manner. and asked me if it was busy last night. i VIVIDLY REMEMBER my hands soaking in peroxide and stinking and i was working so hard because i CLEAN DILIGENTLY. so WHY WHY WHY WHY. i do a good job. i am capable. there is no way it was sticky or crusty i made sure if it i tried so hard. and everyone all loves themselves and each other but never me. i am so mad. my other coworker is rude, has had multiple talkings too way bigger than mine, but my manager just says " i think mental illness plays a role." my coworker relishes in when they are rude to others. its just because they get to play mommy and daughter together. my manager even said they were going to have to "coddle" my coworker. i talk to this coworker a lot, they are the one always retraining me, saying i can't do the dishes correctly, and always sending me messages to change how i do things. i want to SMASH MY HEAD INTO A MILLION PIECES. and i talk to this to my therapist who says i do the right thing by compartmentalizing and controlling myself to stay in control at work. no one ever asks me if mental illness plays a role. because they don't even have to be good they can be terrible but it doesn't matter it doesn't matter because everyone validates and has sympathy for them and no one gives a fuck about me AT ALL. its always everyone else. its always everyone else. i am just an accessory.
it hurts so much to be ignored. to be talked down to and belittled. like i am an idiot. i am not important or a person to anyone of these people. i do all my coping skills and right things even if they hurt and i cry and i don't get anythign for it. but everyone else can be as shitty as they want to and everyone loves them. if i share bad stuff everyone looks at me funny. it has happened before. i want to share something vulnerable and i get looked at or laughed at even like i am crazy, because none of these people see me as a real human. but they all share their vulnerable stuff with me and i try and validate and have grace and love for them and i never get anything in return. they see right past my flesh facade. and it is painful. i want to make friends like real girls. i want to be a real girl like them so pretty and human and they can do and say anything. i hate being programmed. i hate that no one ever sees me. it is so painful. i want to make freinds. i am good at my job. i promise.
5.4.23 + 3:44
my therapist really wants me on medication. and i really want to get my new nails off. i did more art therapy. i have been waking early and spend time during the day awake, and it blows. i become utterly miserable and even more hopeless than usual, but because i can't just go to sleep i begin to wilt inside of myself. it is so painful. i begin to hate everything. though i love the sun in the green trees and that makes me feel happy, having to live during the day makes me so loathesome towards everyone. its so much different than at night, where you feel the cool pressure of darkness, fear, and you get to be alone. it feels safer when everything is asleep and dark, and you can be alone and do whatever you want. but being awake in the light means things are open, sunshine, laying in grass, and being able to drink coffee. it is hard. plus now my allergies are back, i was free for a week or two but today they are terrible, and i have to keep hitting myself in the face to keep myself from sneezing. today i just feel lonely, and ive been longing to return to a soft world, where everything is small and dreamy.
5.2.23 + 12:29
i woke up at 8 am. i already feel like the day is up, how strange to be awake for the morning when it is not dark out. it rains on and off today, and i am craving ginseng tea. i want to be in the safety of the rain forever. and fill a small house with my safety. a time capsule for me to live in. it feels wrong to be awake and active like this. the lights all feel wrong and suffocating. i feel even sick and afraid. i think lights and curtains have to be specific for me to feel safety. even the color, frequency, and tone of lights can affect my perception of the world, and dictate my comfort. sunset especially makes me feel afraid, jittery, and like i want to hide. i got this "pink bubbly" flavored lip balm, and baby lips yesterday. makes me feel very pampered.
i now feel sick. i don't know. please help me navigate the fears of memory and life.