5.31.24 + 1:24 AM

MUCH A DO ABOUT NOTHING

today i went to therapy in person and did a very big picture, with lots of different drawings, i drew saya, twilight sparkle, and a prayer card. i was crying a lot. i went back and read a lot of my old diary entries. i broke a marker and made it splatter ink everywhere in therapy, and then broke a crayon. i feel so childish and little. i want to be smart and intelligent. and a normal person. but maybe then i would stop being me, but i don't think as i am now is a very good thing to be, just suffering and having episodes and being unable to move on and heal. today i worked a while on my next short story, and i made myself a bagel. it was salmon, spinach, and i pan fried zucchini slices in olive oil and salt + pepper + ginger and it was really yummy. and then i ate a bunch of matcha kitkats and a cookie.

today i have the urge to get a lot of syrups and make my own at home cafe. and i want to make cute refreshers and lots of cute drinks. tomorrow i have to make the chalk marker sign. my coworker texted me randomly today saying they wrote out all the lettering and drinks already... oh well, i can just do my drawings tomorrow i guess, it'll take less time. i don't know what to draw either. i want to post my chalk marker boards at some point on here but i feel like they come off as super amateur and unorganized. so maybe not. the male bookseller wanted my help drawing today. i tried to give him a lot of good resources, since i am not a very advanced artist, and don't have much to teach him that would be useful or create good drawing habits.

i feel ashamed of myself. there is a wooden wall over my heart and soul. i lay on top of it, and feel nothing. maybe that is better than severe emotional or physical pain.

5.28.24 + 10:19 PM

SUPER HIGHWAY

i had a terrible episode yesterday.

in more most wonderful amazing news, i went to new york city on saturday, and met up irl with my friend bodhisattva here on neocities. we went to lots of stores, and it was awesome. i took the train all the way to new york city, and it was a nice day, not too hot, even though i sweat through my clothes so bad. it was beautiful and amazing. what a wonderful day. i saw many beautiful shops and got a salmon onigiri on the way home which was really yummy, as well as a lavender and strawberry infused drink. the thing is, the woman operating the stand couldn't get it to pour because the spout was clogged with strawberries and lavender bulbs, so she had to dip another cup in and scoop a bunch of the drink out of the big pitcher, which was full of strawberries and lemons and rosemary and lavender. it was tough to drink. but i wanted to be polite. meeting my friend min was the greatest gift in the world, and i truly felt so blessed and happy. it was the most fun i've had. i walked around a bunch before my train came, and tried to go into a lot of stores just to check it all out.

i went to the muji store and bought a cooling pad for my bed, it is soft and nice. i also went to Kinokuniya, and got some pins and a card, and i went to Teso and got some snacks to bring home and share with people. i will attach some other pictures down below as well from the trip.

surprisingly even, my feet did not get tired in the slightest. my train left at 8 am, got into the city at 12:19. stood around madison square garden and penn station, watching people with luggage run around or sprint. watched the security guard keep telling people not to sit on the railings. he came over to me and asked if i was lost, or if someone was picking me up. and he gave me a fist bump and told me to stay cool and be safe. when me and min saw each other, we sprinted and hugged, and it was magical and awesome. i love new york city. i've been to new york a lot when i lived with my cousins, but never inside the city, maybe once to a hospital i can't remember. we went to times square, and it was very crowded and overwhelming, my favorite part is walking. i love the cross walks. i love walking with everyone. i loved seeing and talking to min, so much laughing and fun, and adventure. i loved smelling the food, and looking at all the shops. it was truly truly truly, amazing. i've known min for i think, about 7 or 8 years, and now we have finally seen each other in person. truly so inspiring. and so fun.!



i was supposed to go to a wedding and be the bookseller's plus one. but i had to work. then when i got to work, i had to work alone because my coworker called out. not a great time. i was really feeling sad and upset. but i took it as penance for good things to come. bookseller asked me my dress size, and said if he saw a dress he think i'd like would i wear it if he bought it. i said yes. and he asked my shoe size too. my coworker is putting their three weeks in because they got fed up of no one doing anything, because the male coworker and another lead do not do their job very well. and this coworker has to pick up a lot of slack. i could have told you that. but no one wants to believe people when they show their true colors, and i told everyone that this one male lead barista who got the promotion over me, that he doesn't do his job very well, and is very mean and not very professional, but they decided to be friends with him anyway and defend him and stuff, and then he didn't do his job and look where we are now, they're quitting because of him. and i knew it was all things he failed to do too, like labeling and dating food items and inclusions and not marking waste and never doing sandwhich pulls or properly cleaning. so now they're leaving, and im really sad and worried, because i don't think the other leads at my job will be able to actually fill in and step up. this coworker who is quitting made me upse a lot of times and would micromanage or make fun of me, but they're a very hard worker. so. we'll have to see.

5.23.24 + 5:58 PM

NEVERMIND

therapy wasn't helpful today, i feel like i never get any real advice or make any progress. i think that in where i am, there will never be progress unless i move out. i pray and cry and i just feel worse than before. unfortunately, it seems in perpetuity, i cannot wait to die. i look at the cobewebs little spiders have put over my figures and decorations and books. i look at the ugly sun that comes through and shines over me. i want to get rid of myself. i want to die so much. i am so scared of this life.

last night after i wrote my diary, the male bookseller took me out and we got dinner and ice cream, and then went to a bunch of parks and laid out on the blanket to look at the stars. we went to my abandoned middle school, and laid out on the freshly mowed grass under the big white cream moon, and light blue sky, the moon was too bright or there was too much light pollution for stars, and i can only ever find orion's belt. the floodlights on the school were on over the concrete, and i just felt nothing. i feel nothing. i feel the creeping doom that shivers its way like a dying baby into my arms, crawling and weeping inside the indents of my stitches against my belly. i hate this life. but what do i expect, if nothing ever changes.

they wanted to call me into work today, but i said i couldn't, i had to go to therapy and all the times they needed me to come in would make me miss my appointment, but therapy made me more upset. so i guess i just have to shrug and move on. my therapist says its been trained into me, to behave and think this way, to be hopeless. and i am. and it worked. and my body hurts all over, and i will never be pure or good. and that hurts me.

i don't know. i need to turn my life around, and i need to work harder, and be smarter.

2 minutes later. nevermind. i have discovered again what it is to be me. i will purify myself, and i will have my angel hold me very closely. . i love vanilla jasmine tea.

5.22.24 + 7:00 PM

JOYFUL RENEWAL IN AURA HEADACHE

my halo returned to me last night, in an excrutiating and unbearable headache. i had been nauseous and had a migraine the night before, but it had gone away in 2 or 3 hours. i went to work the next day, and immediately as i arrived, my head had begun to hurt. i thought i could tough it out, i thought i could just push through and get to the end. but, unfortunately for me, this was not the case. my ears were full of pressure and my entire facial boens and my eyesockets felt excrutiating. the bookseller kept coming over to me to check on me, and i nearly fell over just trying to stand and talk to him, i thought i was going to vomit. he had dropped off stuff for me to drink and a heating pad too at 10 pm the previous night with my smaller migraine. but last night i just kept sobbing in the back of cafe, and i turned off the lights in the dishwashing and refrigerator room, and just laid on the floor and wept for how much pain i was in. the migraine was so terrible, i was barely able to coordinate my body or think straight. i stayed up until 10 minutes before close, before i asked if i could go home, and the manger on duty gave me a hug, everyone seemed nervous around me. i felt so bad, i hate hate hate hate hate crying at work, my shame had never been worse. i felt even more ashamed i was unable to finish the shift. i was closing alone, so the others had to finish my job after i left. i felt so horrible, but i was barely conscious and was in such terrible pain. the drive home was horrible, i was wailing and screaming, and finally was able to be quiet and sit in the front seat in silence and just cry quietly. it was much better being in the dark cool car.

the male bookseller dropped off some electrolyte drinks and ginger ale and ice cream for me at my house too while i slept. he came over today too to bring me lunch and stayed and rubbed my back and brought me vitamins, which i think is what might have caused the migraine. i have always been deficient in vitamins, because of my disability, and i had run out of the ones i usually take. he brought me some, and a portable fan for me. very thoughtful and sweet, and we prayed over the food he brought me. i feel renewed and happy. i feel much better too, much less pain. i feel much much refreshed, after such sickness, and inspiration too. i called out of work today to rest extra.

5.17.24 + 10:45 PM

WORK YAY

today i was asked to pick up a shift for someone who called out, and i did it. feeling heavy with sorrow. i don't feel good at all. i am so exhausted. its probably because i haven't eaten. all i had today was a vanilla sprinkle donut, and reishi tea and some decaf vanilla donut coffee. i know i have to feed myself but i don't want to. i don't want to do anything lately. i hate being so negative because it doesn't get anything done, but i can't help it. my limbs feel like they're made of lead. and my body is dizzy, i can't walk straight. i just am so sad, and my body gives up after it. i painted a lot yesterday at least. i try to put my legs up on the wall while i lay in my bed because it is supposed to help circulation and make you less anxious. i just feel so awful today. tomorrow and sunday i work and i'll have monday off if i don't have to pick up someone else's shift. i feel so numb and tired. i want to feel excited and happy about motivated, but it's like my fingers won't respond to my brain when i want to type or read or work. i just feel like im falling into a heap constantly.

it'll get better. soon. i'll soon finish my new page for my site, and write a short story, and i'll get published, and then everything will be okay.

5.16.24 + 9:50 PM

BORE

today i went to therapy, and was just very negative. speaking about everything made me feel a lot better. i got a sandwhich and coffee after too. but somehow i am still really upset. my package came in the mail, i got reishi tea, and a candle warming lamp i ordered. it is really cute and pretty i think. i spent the rest of my day painting, playing binding of isaac, and listening to music. but somehow i am just upset. i am practicing my french too. maybe i need to read a book too. whenever i don't work, i feel guilty and ashamed. but at least i made painting progress. i ripped off a lot of my nail polish, im going to be repainting my nails. i feel melancholy today. but at least i didn't just lay in bed on my phone or sleep in the whole day. so that is at least good. i am going to make some pastina tonight. tomorrow, i have off too.

5.12.24 + 3:22 AM

GOOD DAY SOON

today i am very negative, and i just want to spit all this pain out. the male bookseller, we were talking about karma. i said, that i must have such awful karma to deserve the life i had, and he got upset, insisting i was one of the most kind, beautiful, sweet, and special people he has ever met, and to imply that i deserve anything painful is offensive to him.

what the fuck does he know. what truly, does he know. i know, and i have accepted, that i am not a good person. there is nothing pure, divine, spiritual, devoted, or sweet about me. there is no goodness in my heart. there is no beauty in my body. there is nothing in my soul. truly, it genuinely, and ultimately offends me, for him to say that to me, it actually makes me angry. everything in me rejects it. i have not even deceived him, i simply am, and yet he insists on my goodness, something that has never existed. not when i was a child, not when i was a baby, not my degenerate conception. nothing. there is nothing inside me except disgust, and molestation sickness.

how much have a wept, how much have i cried. such physical, tremulous, explosive pain inside of me. there was no reason for me to survive my illness, besides it being a testament to my disgusting existence. all that money, equipment, doctors, nurses, time, effort, for what. for nothing. i am a net negative. how disgusting. i think of myself as a young girl, and wish i could have strangled her to death, wish i could have smashed her head in with the cabinets, wish she would have just died in her sleep. for i am so afraid of pain and terror, because i am a coward. if you opened all my surgical stitches, you would find black dehydrated flies, and dust. i wish i was virginal and dead. i hate being conscious.

i tray and pray to the angels, i try and pray to god and jesus. but i hate life even more after. i just cry and cry and writhe in bed until i can't breathe and it's too hot, and i strangle myself in an effort to beg for mercy which i have never deserved. forgiveness that does not touch me. a stomach that will never feel warm, a body that will never grow, i am dead. it hurts. i feel so left out and abandoned.
everyone says change your thinking, change your life. i think it is true, if i could think differently, change my perspective about life, then perhaps i would forget and bury the terrible life i've lived, and how it has not been beautiful suffering, but instead, meaningless thrashing and screaming and foaming at the mouth, that should be euthanized instead. i try and journal, and i try to reframe, but instead end up stabbing the pages and breaking my pencils and crayons as everything smashes up into my face, and i need to throw up. need so bad to hurt myself. i need the mercy of death, like i should have had as a little girl, i should have died from my sickness. but i didn't. and life goes on.

but, what does feeling sorry for myself do? does not give me mercy, does not improve my life. so, i work, and i go to therapy every week, and i work as much as i can with my broken body, and i do not speak anything of my inner world or of my pain or stupid thoughts to anyone outside of this diary. and life goes on. i am 22 now. and everyday i have to accept that for me perhaps there will be no mercy, no forgiveness, no grace. there will be no everlasting love. there will be no happy ending. i will never bake a cherry pie when it is over. i should instead shut up, and keep my head down, and never raise it to anyone, never raise my voice, never show an ounce of emotion. i should be humiliated for being alive, i know that i am so full of shame that i wish so much for the mercy of nothingness. like when you are sleeping.

i feel hopeless. but life does go on. this week, i will go to therapy on thursday, and i will work. it is m*th*****r's day tomorrow. i just remember everything, and i cannot express it. i just feel, pain. but, life goes on. but life goes on. it will not matter how i feel. there is no one for it. i must continue, until i am killed. just because i am in pain, it doesn't mean a thing. there is not truth, nor is there justice waiting for me. i will not wake up one day and be happy because i was sad for so long. there is no mercy just because i cry. i will just have to bear it, forever. tomorrow i am going to braid my hair. today, the man who asked about me to my coworkers was at work, and i was scared. i waited till i thought he left before i went out to clean, and then i saw him in the reflection of the window coming to approach me, so i walked quickly back to behind with the dishes and mop sink, and hid there. my coworker said i was busy with work. i hope he will not come back tomorrow, i practically ran from him. why would i even want to be approached at work? i have no interest in being close to others. i just want to be left alone. i wish when i die everyone goes to heaven and is happy.

i need to read books. i need to finish my paintings. i need to just continue. life continues, and drags me with it, so i continue. i need to read more books. i need to teach myself something. i need to learn. even though i am not very intelligent, i need to try. i need to learn another language. i need to just be more educated. i don't think i am smart enough to go to college, but ill just push myself to learn or grow or get a real job. i know if i am alive i just have to continue until i am killed. life goes on, and i do with it. i will pray. i pray everyday. i will pray. i will pray. i will pray. i will pray. i will pray. i will pray. i will pray. i will pray. i will pray. i will pray. i will pray. i will pray. i will pray. i will pray. i will pray. i will pray. i will pray. i will pray. i will pray. i will pray. i will pray. i will pray.

5.10.24 + 11:19 PM

MERCIFUL AND KIND

after 3 trips and 2 returns, finally i was able to get a lightbulb that fit my new lamp. it's very beautiful purple, and the light bulb is a bit too bright for the shade. i'll have to get a lower wattage. but for now, it works, and my room looks cozy i think. i need better lighting. because i sleep in the basement below floor level, there is only one window at ground level that lets a small amount of light into my room. i need to wake up earlier too. my angels have been waking me, but i become too anxious and tired and go back to sleep. i need to read more too. more than 2 days off, and i become lethargic, distracted, and unable to focus on anything for more than a few minutes. i feel unclean too, as i often do, and desire solitude, and good lighting and rain so that i may feel as good as possible about being alive, and being productive, and taking care of my body.

the male bookseller i have been seeing took me out to practice driving yesterday. at work, there was a man who came up to me and said i seem like i'd be fun to talk to outside of work (meaning, besides when i take his order i assume) which makes no sense because i have not spoken to this man once beside asking what he wants, he asked about my nametag and i just said my coworkers print stuff for me and have me put it in my nametag. i told him i had no social media and no way to get to me outside of work because i was so uncomfortable and i am compltely uninterested in speaking to any customer outside of work. i have to be nice to customers because it is my job and he knows nothing about me, so how would he even know i am fun to talk to outside of me taking his order... he doesn't. this is what i hate most, assumption. i thought i had politely let him down that i was uninterested, but instead the next day while i was out he had gone to my coworkers to ask about me, and how i was, and who i was. extremely creepy, and when the bookseller came to pick me up i quickly began to cry, i tried to hide my face from him and turn away, and just held onto my broken rosary, and just kept pathetically whimpering out little cries and ruined my makeup, and he pulled over the car to the side of the road and tried to hold me and hug me and tell me it was alright and no harm would come to me, and yes he used the words "no harm will come to you" and i just bleated out little stupid noises and breaths as i tried to cry and eventually calmed down so i could go do my return and buy a new lightbulb for my lamp.

he said i was a very pretty crier. ok. it is very scary for me to hear that. but i think he was trying to be repairative because i was hiding my face. i just don't like being vulnerable and exposed and an emotional wreck. it is scary, that situation, no matter how "harmless" or if the man who came back to work to ask about me has "good intentions" i do not want it and it is too scary for me becuase i don't think i have the capability to defend myself. we went and bought pepperspray a little bit after i did my return.

things are different now. but i guess they always have been. i forget myself, i come to myself, i am nothing, and repeat. everyday. i will try to do well in may, april and february went by fast, and maybe so did march. i will try to be good. and i will try to come into myself, and fill this body up. i am working on another short story, and i am hoping i will be good. praying for peace, and guidance, and understanding.

5.5.24 + 12:07 PM

EVERYDAY IS REGRETFUL

today feels like nothing. i pray every night. i don't eat. i try and push myself into sleep. whatever. i bought new clothes for spring, to make myself feel better. i don't feel any different. try to find good things in my life, and just pray my angels are helping me and not hurting me. i will write today. i don't work until 3, but im here 3 hours early. trying to make progress in life, but i perpetually feel tortured. that god puts good things in my life to only rip them away from me. and how ultimately painful that is. i pray its not true. i pray that i am being stupid or foolish, and that it doesn't actually mean that. that i am instead, waiting for something better. i don't lick my wounds or lick my own skin. i just cry. every night, like clockwork, as soon as i start thinking about god and angels and what it means to be alive in this body, i begin to sob and cry, and the tears sloppily fall down my face while i beg for help. over and over, my only prayer melts and becomes a caucophony of "help me" "help me" "help me". i don't ask for particular things, i just ask for guidance and understanding. my therapist agress, with the idea i've been conditioned to view life and people as unaffectable, unmovable objects. instead of believing that i affect anything. instead, i just believe my words, my actions, my entire life has no ability to change or alter anyone else's. i make no impact, there is no imprint where i touch. all that is left is vacancy where i am. the smell of incense and skin and cold rain. i feel no hope right now. i feel no hope. but, if i am not to die, i have to keep going, so i must continue, there is no other choice. so it doesn't matter at all what i feel. i simply am. and life goes on.

waiting for my new shampoo and conditioner to come in the mail. i am spending too much money, in an effort to fill the massive hole of hopelessness and loss i feel. not the best way to cope, but if i can stave off the worst of the searing sternum angel pain, then it will be worth it. i have come to a conclusion, that that white hot hell pain right between the beneath of my ribs, is the worst pain i have ever felt. besides molestation sickness, i think, that is some of the worst. i usually think i have a good pain tolerance, but not when it comes to that. i don't know how i went through years of highschool feeling that all the time. i think it is genuinely impossible to operate and cope with that. i pray to Leon angel that it does not come back to me, that i will be given mercy and spared from that hurt.

today i will work on my writing, and jusst try and be productive before work. currently sitting in my work's breakroom, and i brouht my computer to spend the 3 hours i have before work. really need a cigarette, rose con panna, honey lemon ginseng tea, and white coffee cup.