5.17.24 + 10:45 PM

WORK YAY

today i was asked to pick up a shift for someone who called out, and i did it. feeling heavy with sorrow. i don't feel good at all. i am so exhausted. its probably because i haven't eaten. all i had today was a vanilla sprinkle donut, and reishi tea and some decaf vanilla donut coffee. i know i have to feed myself but i don't want to. i don't want to do anything lately. i hate being so negative because it doesn't get anything done, but i can't help it. my limbs feel like they're made of lead. and my body is dizzy, i can't walk straight. i just am so sad, and my body gives up after it. i painted a lot yesterday at least. i try to put my legs up on the wall while i lay in my bed because it is supposed to help circulation and make you less anxious. i just feel so awful today. tomorrow and sunday i work and i'll have monday off if i don't have to pick up someone else's shift. i feel so numb and tired. i want to feel excited and happy about motivated, but it's like my fingers won't respond to my brain when i want to type or read or work. i just feel like im falling into a heap constantly.

it'll get better. soon. i'll soon finish my new page for my site, and write a short story, and i'll get published, and then everything will be okay.

5.16.24 + 9:50 PM

BORE

today i went to therapy, and was just very negative. speaking about everything made me feel a lot better. i got a sandwhich and coffee after too. but somehow i am still really upset. my package came in the mail, i got reishi tea, and a candle warming lamp i ordered. it is really cute and pretty i think. i spent the rest of my day painting, playing binding of isaac, and listening to music. but somehow i am just upset. i am practicing my french too. maybe i need to read a book too. whenever i don't work, i feel guilty and ashamed. but at least i made painting progress. i ripped off a lot of my nail polish, im going to be repainting my nails. i feel melancholy today. but at least i didn't just lay in bed on my phone or sleep in the whole day. so that is at least good. i am going to make some pastina tonight. tomorrow, i have off too.

5.12.24 + 3:22 AM

GOOD DAY SOON

today i am very negative, and i just want to spit all this pain out. the male bookseller, we were talking about karma. i said, that i must have such awful karma to deserve the life i had, and he got upset, insisting i was one of the most kind, beautiful, sweet, and special people he has ever met, and to imply that i deserve anything painful is offensive to him.

what the fuck does he know. what truly, does he know. i know, and i have accepted, that i am not a good person. there is nothing pure, divine, spiritual, devoted, or sweet about me. there is no goodness in my heart. there is no beauty in my body. there is nothing in my soul. truly, it genuinely, and ultimately offends me, for him to say that to me, it actually makes me angry. everything in me rejects it. i have not even deceived him, i simply am, and yet he insists on my goodness, something that has never existed. not when i was a child, not when i was a baby, not my degenerate conception. nothing. there is nothing inside me except disgust, and molestation sickness.

how much have a wept, how much have i cried. such physical, tremulous, explosive pain inside of me. there was no reason for me to survive my illness, besides it being a testament to my disgusting existence. all that money, equipment, doctors, nurses, time, effort, for what. for nothing. i am a net negative. how disgusting. i think of myself as a young girl, and wish i could have strangled her to death, wish i could have smashed her head in with the cabinets, wish she would have just died in her sleep. for i am so afraid of pain and terror, because i am a coward. if you opened all my surgical stitches, you would find black dehydrated flies, and dust. i wish i was virginal and dead. i hate being conscious.

i tray and pray to the angels, i try and pray to god and jesus. but i hate life even more after. i just cry and cry and writhe in bed until i can't breathe and it's too hot, and i strangle myself in an effort to beg for mercy which i have never deserved. forgiveness that does not touch me. a stomach that will never feel warm, a body that will never grow, i am dead. it hurts. i feel so left out and abandoned.
everyone says change your thinking, change your life. i think it is true, if i could think differently, change my perspective about life, then perhaps i would forget and bury the terrible life i've lived, and how it has not been beautiful suffering, but instead, meaningless thrashing and screaming and foaming at the mouth, that should be euthanized instead. i try and journal, and i try to reframe, but instead end up stabbing the pages and breaking my pencils and crayons as everything smashes up into my face, and i need to throw up. need so bad to hurt myself. i need the mercy of death, like i should have had as a little girl, i should have died from my sickness. but i didn't. and life goes on.

but, what does feeling sorry for myself do? does not give me mercy, does not improve my life. so, i work, and i go to therapy every week, and i work as much as i can with my broken body, and i do not speak anything of my inner world or of my pain or stupid thoughts to anyone outside of this diary. and life goes on. i am 22 now. and everyday i have to accept that for me perhaps there will be no mercy, no forgiveness, no grace. there will be no everlasting love. there will be no happy ending. i will never bake a cherry pie when it is over. i should instead shut up, and keep my head down, and never raise it to anyone, never raise my voice, never show an ounce of emotion. i should be humiliated for being alive, i know that i am so full of shame that i wish so much for the mercy of nothingness. like when you are sleeping.

i feel hopeless. but life does go on. this week, i will go to therapy on thursday, and i will work. it is m*th*****r's day tomorrow. i just remember everything, and i cannot express it. i just feel, pain. but, life goes on. but life goes on. it will not matter how i feel. there is no one for it. i must continue, until i am killed. just because i am in pain, it doesn't mean a thing. there is not truth, nor is there justice waiting for me. i will not wake up one day and be happy because i was sad for so long. there is no mercy just because i cry. i will just have to bear it, forever. tomorrow i am going to braid my hair. today, the man who asked about me to my coworkers was at work, and i was scared. i waited till i thought he left before i went out to clean, and then i saw him in the reflection of the window coming to approach me, so i walked quickly back to behind with the dishes and mop sink, and hid there. my coworker said i was busy with work. i hope he will not come back tomorrow, i practically ran from him. why would i even want to be approached at work? i have no interest in being close to others. i just want to be left alone. i wish when i die everyone goes to heaven and is happy.

i need to read books. i need to finish my paintings. i need to just continue. life continues, and drags me with it, so i continue. i need to read more books. i need to teach myself something. i need to learn. even though i am not very intelligent, i need to try. i need to learn another language. i need to just be more educated. i don't think i am smart enough to go to college, but ill just push myself to learn or grow or get a real job. i know if i am alive i just have to continue until i am killed. life goes on, and i do with it. i will pray. i pray everyday. i will pray. i will pray. i will pray. i will pray. i will pray. i will pray. i will pray. i will pray. i will pray. i will pray. i will pray. i will pray. i will pray. i will pray. i will pray. i will pray. i will pray. i will pray. i will pray. i will pray. i will pray. i will pray.

5.10.24 + 11:19 PM

MERCIFUL AND KIND

after 3 trips and 2 returns, finally i was able to get a lightbulb that fit my new lamp. it's very beautiful purple, and the light bulb is a bit too bright for the shade. i'll have to get a lower wattage. but for now, it works, and my room looks cozy i think. i need better lighting. because i sleep in the basement below floor level, there is only one window at ground level that lets a small amount of light into my room. i need to wake up earlier too. my angels have been waking me, but i become too anxious and tired and go back to sleep. i need to read more too. more than 2 days off, and i become lethargic, distracted, and unable to focus on anything for more than a few minutes. i feel unclean too, as i often do, and desire solitude, and good lighting and rain so that i may feel as good as possible about being alive, and being productive, and taking care of my body.

the male bookseller i have been seeing took me out to practice driving yesterday. at work, there was a man who came up to me and said i seem like i'd be fun to talk to outside of work (meaning, besides when i take his order i assume) which makes no sense because i have not spoken to this man once beside asking what he wants, he asked about my nametag and i just said my coworkers print stuff for me and have me put it in my nametag. i told him i had no social media and no way to get to me outside of work because i was so uncomfortable and i am compltely uninterested in speaking to any customer outside of work. i have to be nice to customers because it is my job and he knows nothing about me, so how would he even know i am fun to talk to outside of me taking his order... he doesn't. this is what i hate most, assumption. i thought i had politely let him down that i was uninterested, but instead the next day while i was out he had gone to my coworkers to ask about me, and how i was, and who i was. extremely creepy, and when the bookseller came to pick me up i quickly began to cry, i tried to hide my face from him and turn away, and just held onto my broken rosary, and just kept pathetically whimpering out little cries and ruined my makeup, and he pulled over the car to the side of the road and tried to hold me and hug me and tell me it was alright and no harm would come to me, and yes he used the words "no harm will come to you" and i just bleated out little stupid noises and breaths as i tried to cry and eventually calmed down so i could go do my return and buy a new lightbulb for my lamp.

he said i was a very pretty crier. ok. it is very scary for me to hear that. but i think he was trying to be repairative because i was hiding my face. i just don't like being vulnerable and exposed and an emotional wreck. it is scary, that situation, no matter how "harmless" or if the man who came back to work to ask about me has "good intentions" i do not want it and it is too scary for me becuase i don't think i have the capability to defend myself. we went and bought pepperspray a little bit after i did my return.

things are different now. but i guess they always have been. i forget myself, i come to myself, i am nothing, and repeat. everyday. i will try to do well in may, april and february went by fast, and maybe so did march. i will try to be good. and i will try to come into myself, and fill this body up. i am working on another short story, and i am hoping i will be good. praying for peace, and guidance, and understanding.

5.5.24 + 12:07 PM

EVERYDAY IS REGRETFUL

today feels like nothing. i pray every night. i don't eat. i try and push myself into sleep. whatever. i bought new clothes for spring, to make myself feel better. i don't feel any different. try to find good things in my life, and just pray my angels are helping me and not hurting me. i will write today. i don't work until 3, but im here 3 hours early. trying to make progress in life, but i perpetually feel tortured. that god puts good things in my life to only rip them away from me. and how ultimately painful that is. i pray its not true. i pray that i am being stupid or foolish, and that it doesn't actually mean that. that i am instead, waiting for something better. i don't lick my wounds or lick my own skin. i just cry. every night, like clockwork, as soon as i start thinking about god and angels and what it means to be alive in this body, i begin to sob and cry, and the tears sloppily fall down my face while i beg for help. over and over, my only prayer melts and becomes a caucophony of "help me" "help me" "help me". i don't ask for particular things, i just ask for guidance and understanding. my therapist agress, with the idea i've been conditioned to view life and people as unaffectable, unmovable objects. instead of believing that i affect anything. instead, i just believe my words, my actions, my entire life has no ability to change or alter anyone else's. i make no impact, there is no imprint where i touch. all that is left is vacancy where i am. the smell of incense and skin and cold rain. i feel no hope right now. i feel no hope. but, if i am not to die, i have to keep going, so i must continue, there is no other choice. so it doesn't matter at all what i feel. i simply am. and life goes on.

waiting for my new shampoo and conditioner to come in the mail. i am spending too much money, in an effort to fill the massive hole of hopelessness and loss i feel. not the best way to cope, but if i can stave off the worst of the searing sternum angel pain, then it will be worth it. i have come to a conclusion, that that white hot hell pain right between the beneath of my ribs, is the worst pain i have ever felt. besides molestation sickness, i think, that is some of the worst. i usually think i have a good pain tolerance, but not when it comes to that. i don't know how i went through years of highschool feeling that all the time. i think it is genuinely impossible to operate and cope with that. i pray to Leon angel that it does not come back to me, that i will be given mercy and spared from that hurt.

today i will work on my writing, and jusst try and be productive before work. currently sitting in my work's breakroom, and i brouht my computer to spend the 3 hours i have before work. really need a cigarette, rose con panna, honey lemon ginseng tea, and white coffee cup.