5.19.26 + 10:54 PM G

SHAMED TO THE CORE

after sun comes rain, after rain comes sun... but i can't stand this. i called the intensive trauma center to check my status of the waiting list, and the woman working there warned me that the program may be cut in the summer for the rest of the year, because the program may lose funding federally. i want to die right now. i know how extreme that reaction is, but a part of me is totally hopeless. it feels at times i can't stop the flood of depression washing me on the shore of barren hope. there's sand in my teeth and hair,and in my eyelashes. i feel like im water-logged. i have been waiting months for this program, and now i may not get to do it at all. my EMDR therapist hasn't seen me since december, because she reccomended me go into this program. i can't stand this. it feels like everything is falling apart right now....

i shared with my therapist only a small bit of my nightmares. i can't stand that i shared them with her, i feel totally contaminated and violated. i shared it, at the last 5 minutes, because every time i tried to speak, i would stutter, be completely unable to verbalize, like my mouth and throat muscles refused to work no matter how much i willed them. i just feel so violated. i'm so upset. this feels like it was such a mistake.

i just feel gross gross gross. i really really really really pray to God pray to God pray to God pray to God that the program won't lose funding. i really really really really want to go, need to go. i can't even cry, i feel attacked and beaten by paralysis. i feel tormented by pressure and fear, like it's crawling up my spine and filling up my skull and vertebrae with sickness and impending doom. my body feels like it has a giant open door on the front, and everything is spilling out in the mud, steaming and still slimy.

i am upset, and i'm trying to control myself, and contain this feeling of invasion, this feeling of paranoia and isolation, the feeling that i'm going to be thrown into dark oceans to tread water.

i know i'm not seeing or feeling anything rationally right now, i totally had tunnel vision to going away to this program. i don't know how to express myself, because it won't change anything, and it won't fix anything. i feel powerless in my own life. my EMDR therapist hasn't seen me since december. a part of me feels totally abandoned. please God can you fix this? can you please help me? please angels can you fly around me, can you shield and guide me with your light, i'll carry my insides, if you can show me the way to go. i don't mind crawling through the mud. teary-eyed. i feel like a child right now, totally powerless. please make everything right God. i am so scared.

i feel like i'm not doing anything correct right now. it's hard to be positive. i know life keeps going no matter what, but i feel disgusting. i want to run away from everything so bad every day. in my dreams, i run fast and long, i run hard and gracefully, and i go far, fast. i know things will keep going. i know life keeps going, i just never feel like i want to be apart of things going forward. i just want to turn into nothing.

i'll try to be positive, or at least not soak myself in hopelessness. everything feels hard right now, but life is going to keep going. i'm just at a difficult part. my angels will surely guide me out. i will come out of purgatory, life will make sense, or at least i will have an inkling of what to do. the drive in my heart will become stronger, and i will know just what to do, and have the willpower and the ability to do so. i will come back to life. i will come back to life. and i will come back to life, through a great strike in the sky down through my sutures. i must continue.

5.14.26 + 4:03 AM G

Theraputic Container

Cranky, unsatisfied, mystified, and paralyzed. had another dream that i can't understand. parts of it i can, other pieces i slip my fingers over, and feel the mic rustle from feedback, as i try to repeat back what it is saying to me. i did the dishes tonight, i did my teeth. also, during my hiatus, i dyed my hair. bookseller helped me, which i was surprised at his adaptability. nobody noticed i dyed it. well, considering it's basically the same color. it's supposed to be "brownie fudge" colored..... did it work?! maybe. i drew the girl from my dream in my journal. here, i'll show you.

she had pink ribbons in her hair, and soft brown hair. i could tell she was me, but in some ways a lot softer. i'll write about my dream on the dream page, it's hard not to write about it here though, it's a part of my life. my dreams are so much bigger than i am. i had a long time where my dreams were nothing, or so insane and embellished with pain i couldn't understand what was happening. the pain that happens when i wake up is the worst part, it erupts through me and scissors me in half. the disgust attacks are too painful to be conscious for either. i can't escape when they happen.

after i wrote the last entry, i had a very emotional episode that was very painful. i think finally being able to connect to this part of myself again was a relief. i don't know what else to say about it.
there was once a blog i followed when i was much younger, this had to be at least 11 or 12 years ago, that had autoplaying music that frightened me when i would go on the blog, and that frightened reaction that felt that ultimatum of "wrongness" kept drawing me back to the person's blog to listen to the song over and over, to try to figure out what their message was with the music, and what it meant to them. i now enjoy the song, and don't experience that frightened reactivity to it, and can't understand why i was so scared of it when i was small.

i have baked a lot of my hiatus, most of which was banana bread, and a lot of failed cookies during christmas time.

i think, right now i just feel very mournful. most of my day is spent reading theraputic books, and waiting to be approved to be taken into an intensive trauma center sometime once i'm off the waitlist. i remember a long time ago, at least 9 or 10 years, reading on someone's blog that they weren't updating as much because they got into an intensive mental health facility, and spent most of their days painting, and they shared pictures of their easel.

i got to try heytea and mizumatcha for the first time. the heytea triple matcha is really good, and i got the mizumatcha parfait. it was good. also my cousin gifted me a small deer beanie baby for my birthday.

5.9.26 + 7:24 AM G

Hiatus

this is the first entry after a 6 month hiatus. whoa.! that was a little scary, but i had so much to get done, like my paintings and assets for my new site, coding the new layout and how i wanted everything to fit together. i still haven't moved everything over from my old setup, so i will continue to update and change things. it feels great to finally accomplish this though. there's so many things i have to update on. i stopped seeing my EMDR therapist around the same time i stopped updating my site, but it was culmination of that as well as me getting sick over and over and over again. i just had no energy, no motivation, no time. it's honestly really depressing, but i still have to try. i can't give up.

i hope everything is okay with my friends. i am really upset and sad about one of my dear friends who is struggling neurological issues. i pray for everyone i love and all my friends. everyone who is struggling, i love you so much, and every tear i cry is for you and to release the binds of suffering.!!!

i can't sleep in bed tonight with bookseller. i just want to sleep on the floor. repulsion from closeness as usual, the need to separate and be separate. i feel bad, but i can't help but become overwashed with sorrow. all my smaller parts just want to cry and clamour all over my body. my shuffle made me listen to songs i listened to when i was 13/14, crying is acceptable. pain is acceptable. crawling is acceptable. puking is acceptable. falling is acceptable... etc. quitting is not..!! how different my music is these days.

one thing i don't remember if i had been updating on is what i've been doing in therapy, which is a lot. my therapist is doing IFS for me, so that means mapping IFS parts. it is so difficult. a lot of the time i feel like i'm failing, my parts will paralyze my mouth, or i won't be able to think of anything when looking back inside my skull. so, it can be difficult to share. i feel like IFS is good. i think i have a lot more dissociative aspects than i realized. or maybe i was just in a different mode, so there's just more around me.

i need to take a permit test, again. my permit expired. again. facepalm... i can't get overwhelmed with sadness and anger, i have to keep going.
i can't sleep at all, stayed up all night now it's 8AM.. but i really can't sleep.
things are weird in my life. definitely weird. i feel really weird. parts mapping is weird. waiting to go back to EMDR is weird. physical therapy is weird. i just feel strange, since i can't dwell on the pain and fear that keeps me white knuckling this same spot in my life, i just feel weird.
i got sick a lot over the last few months, it was terrible. my m***th***R called my aunt and said to her.. "you know, i never realized how much .lisa. getting sick affected other people." my aunt didn't say anything and was confused, and my mom sounded disappointed she wasn't agreeing that even me being sick was hurtful to others. my aunt was really sorry, she said i could live with her anytime. everything is just weird.