5.9.26 + 7:24 AM G

Headache

this is the first entry after a 6 month hiatus. whoa.! that was a little scary, but i had so much to get done, like my paintings and assets for my new site, coding the new layout and how i wanted everything to fit together. i still haven't moved everything over from my old setup, so i will continue to update and change things. it feels great to finally accomplish this though. there's so many things i have to update on. i stopped seeing my EMDR therapist around the same time i stopped updating my site, but it was culmination of that as well as me getting sick over and over and over again. i just had no energy, no motivation, no time. it's honestly really depressing, but i still have to try. i can't give up.

i hope everything is okay with my friends. i am really upset and sad about one of my dear friends who is struggling neurological issues. i pray for everyone i love and all my friends. everyone who is struggling, i love you so much, and every tear i cry is for you and to release the binds of suffering.!!!

i can't sleep in bed tonight with bookseller. i just want to sleep on the floor. repulsion from closeness as usual, the need to separate and be separate. i feel bad, but i can't help but become overwashed with sorrow. all my smaller parts just want to cry and clamour all over my body. my shuffle made me listen to songs i listened to when i was 13/14, crying is acceptable. pain is acceptable. crawling is acceptable. puking is acceptable. falling is acceptable... etc. quitting is not..!! how different my music is these days.

one thing i don't remember if i had been updating on is what i've been doing in therapy, which is a lot. my therapist is doing IFS for me, so that means mapping IFS parts. it is so difficult. a lot of the time i feel like i'm failing, my parts will paralyze my mouth, or i won't be able to think of anything when looking back inside my skull. so, it can be difficult to share. i feel like IFS is good. i think i have a lot more dissociative aspects than i realized. or maybe i was just in a different mode, so there's just more around me.

i need to take a permit test, again. my permit expired. again. facepalm... i can't get overwhelmed with sadness and anger, i have to keep going.
i can't sleep at all, stayed up all night now it's 8AM.. but i really can't sleep.
things are weird in my life. definitely weird. i feel really weird. parts mapping is weird. waiting to go back to EMDR is weird. physical therapy is weird. i just feel strange, since i can't dwell on the pain and fear that keeps me white knuckling this same spot in my life, i just feel weird.
i got sick a lot over the last few months, it was terrible. my m***th***R called my aunt and said to her.. "you know, i never realized how much .lisa. getting sick affected other people." my aunt didn't say anything and was confused, and my mom sounded disappointed she wasn't agreeing that even me being sick was hurtful to others. my aunt was really sorry, she said i could live with her anytime. everything is just weird.