11.29 + 9:33

RAD 1

"the more i talk to you, the more i am convinced you have reactive attachment disorder".

11.29 + 9:33

PARADICHLOROBENZENE

2 day i worked 8 hours. and then after work i went to the arcade and played project diva for 3 hours. i was so tired and it wasn't too fun. my feet hurt so bad. i work 20-40 hours a week for 2 years and yet everything still hurts. i was beautiful for a moment. i have therapy tomorrow. i tell myself: i am a larvae, this is just a metamorphosis. this is just a transition. and it won't hurt so bad soon. i jsut tell myself that.

11.29 + 12:28

50% OFF

im so far gone i don't think im ever going to be saved.i can't be intimate. i can't be alive. i feel disgusted being inside myself like this. the pain of it all is so overwhelming and i hate it. i want to vomit. im compelled. im compulsed into it. its just immediate and like i've been trained. my therapist said it was like i was programmed. i can't be alive like this. i feel so disgusting. my face is all distorted. i got my haircut. my face won't stop distorting. its all fucked up. im breaking out. what good is there to say. i have nothing im looking forward to. i have nothing im hoping for. i have nothing im interested in. i have nothing im inside of. i have nothing i ever want to be. i have nothing. im just a complete waste.
tonight i saw a lamp post as a starless ghost. black with long hair and a distorted face. i jumped in the car and felt so afraid. whats the point in seeing ghosts. whats the point of being touched.

11.23 + 4:24

YUA

tried to go to the store to buy food for myself. i bought one bok choy. then began to cry. i just couldn't stop crying. this was after therapy. my therapist sat next to me on the couch which made me nervous. but the session went ok. i work black friday, i don't know why i cried at the store. was it because there was so many people? i couldn't stop. i wanted to get a bunch of other stuff but only left with one bok choy because i couldnt handle being in the store. why.

11.22 + 3:23

DSM

im a complete and total idiot. i spent way too much money. i am a loser.
i don't feel well today because i have notten almost no sleep. but i know as soon as it hits 9pm i will be completely awake and not able to sleep even if im in pain and so tired i could pass out. im just so fed up with being treated so strangely and cruelly at work. i wanted to die today. i wanted to destroy myself. i just need to rest. i have therapy tomorrow. i just need to rest.
why do people at work treat me so strangely. like they touch me, pat me, touch and pull my hair, throw things at me, push me around. it makes me want to hurt myself. there is a beauty supply next to my work and i regularly buy things from there and they always yell at me, get angry, grab my bag, and talk to me angrily when i buy things. today when i spent too much money on a book it was no different they got legitimately mad. i just want to hurt myself so bad. why be so cruel to me when nothing i do affects you. they are not my friends!! why does it matter!!!
i just want to go to therapy tomorrow and cry my eyes out. i have been crying all week. im exhausted. i work for 6 days straight. things will look up for everyone soon i will pray about it so much and hope for it and wish it and it will come true and everyone will feel better i promise.

11.20 + 7:39

RECEIPT

ugly today. whats wrong with my face. i want to obliterate it. i worked 9-5. my first morning shift in 2 months. i don't care. whats wrong with my face. whats wrong with my hair. i am ugly. and i wish i was exploded. and iwish i was beautiful. i just want to become something fine. something unperceivable and alluring. i wish iw was beautiful. i wish i was beautiful. i wish i was fine. im so tired. i just hate this structure of coal and meat. i wwant to be fine. i want to be fine.
i am so afraid no one cares about me. i just do not enjoy anything. i hav no want to live. no enjoyment. no hope is in my head. i feel like a withered and dry corpse, no bugs no squirming, no warmth or movement. just nothing. in the cold dirt, in the dry dirt with no one and nothing aroun dme. i will put myself in the pure nothing dirt and let the moon and fog wash over me, let the gloom fall upon the world and wash myself away into nothing. and i won't exist at all. and i will never think or dream or be anything again . not even dust. not even dirt. not even a fragment in the glass. i wis h i was ogone. i wish i was pure. i wish i was beautiful. i hate it all. no one is in me. no one will acknowkedge me. im just going to go asleep . i am just going to go and be nothing. i am so upset. i am inconsolible. im not anything worth. i am dry corpse angel and no one will dig me up and no one will disinfect me, and no one will bury me. i am so done.
i wish i could find a wayt o be taintless purified.

11.17 + 1:29

FLAT

i feel like shit today. i can't make progress on anything. and i just don't wanna go to work or do anything. i should take a shower but i can't bring myself to do anything. therapy yesterday was good. i think. we just talked about neglect again, and my need to hurt myself whenever i fuck up. my dream was gross and bad. i don't feel like im anything at all. i wish i could set my brain on fire and let it burn to ashes then watch it rebuild itself. i don't wanna talk to people i don't wanna see anyone. i feel alone. everything feels dirty. i feel horrible. i don't know. i don't know how to purify myself. i don't feel good. thats all i can say. im just stuck on saying i feel sick. i feel dirty. over and over again. i tried to sleep good last night but it doesn't work. i fell asleep at 8 pm and woke up at 2 am. was up until around 4 or 5 am i can't remember which. then woke up at 10:50 am today. i just can't be a good normal person. i am sick inside. i feel like if i can't find a way to purify myself i am going to die. i don't know what to do everything feels sick i feel sick. my body feels like i am going to vomit and my insides are turning into something inescapable. i hate being awake during the day. i can't be awake like this. it feels so sick and ugly. i wish i could be nothing myself is. i hate the compulsion to be a great deceiver, to pretend and play with others socially when really my deep insidious hatred is rotting me inside. i just want to be nothing at all as myself really is. anything anything anything. i am sick inside, and my body is repulsed and rejecting everything. and now my purity compulsion is making me so fretful in my words but i just can't care i just want to be agonized until i am pure again. i want the light to never reach me, to be allured inside my eyes, i wish i was not breakable i wish i was cold autopsy table smooth. i think i am going to vomit i am so mad.
i wish god could never touch me. i wish i could purify myself and everyone would forget about my deceiver mask, i wish my life was real. i wish i was made of nothing but an illusion and i wish my brain was not decaying, i wish i was magnetic seductive downfall. i wish i was easy and hotter than the sun i wish i burned away everything that was molesting me and i could live a life of sweet smoothness along the tiles and i wish i could lick the metal and plastic and eat away at the spoiled contaminated world and i would waste away. its just not fair. god is touching me inside and his hands and fingers ripple on the inside of my skin and is corrupting me. im me. im real. im inside myself safe and pure. and the loudness and bruising is normal and good. and im not awake at daybreak and i am pure and unmolested as nighttime.

11.15 + 11:25

FIRST SNOW

waow.. today was the first snow of the winter season. today was quiet at work, we made a lot of tips because my manager has finally let us put out a tip jar, but its only because she takes tips from it herself. i took sunday off so i had 2 days off this week, i did not want to work for 6 days even if i need the money, because i will probably lose my mind. also the greasetrap was fixed so i was able to use the sinks. i bleached the sinks today too, it is always nice to see everything so clean and pristine. i've been making such slow process on drawing lately. i have been trying to draw myself, but it is so impossible. i jsut do not like my art style and i do not like the way my art looks. i want to be good at art, but i cannot draw people or wood or eyes or bodies or anatomy or tables or houses or perspective. whatever. i try to do a little everyday. i also have therapy tomorrow which is exciting. it is also becoming hard to take care of myself again. i cannot do a lot of bathing lately, and i feel so embarrassed. for a few months i was able to take baths because i have this cute milk powder i use but now i just feel hesitant to bathe at all. it is so hard to do, to commit to putting that time to showering, and then having to dry after ugh. it is so difficult for me and i don't know why. it freaks me out.
i don't know. i also bought some ashwaganda supplements to see if it would make me feel less crazy. we'll see how it goes. also i went shopping at a japanese market, much smaller than my local thai/vietnamese grocery store. there were too many people there though and also i was pressed for time because i had to go to dinner after. i bought some peach and grape jelly drinks and two melon pan, one plain and one matcha, and some peach milk tea. i wanted to get more stuff but it is hard for me to grocery shop. everything is hard! i just can't do anything. i feel so nothing. not even satisfied, not even happy, just papery and flammable and tired. i need a haircut. i need to clean my room. i need to do laundry. i need to call the hospital trauma center. so many things i have to do and just can't. i feel just disconnected, disatisfied. i don't know. i don't have any inspiration. i don't have any life left in me. even though i do not feel tortured i instead feel abandoned. left in nothing. like im in a coffin. maybe tomorrow ill feel better. the snow as very pretty.

11.11 + 4:08

GREASETRAP

holy fuck. work sucked massively. we had a new greasetrap installed for the sink because ours was broken, and i tried to drain one of the sinks so i could put new water in it. and the empty sink began to fill with disgusting smelly pipe water. if you drain any sink or put water down the drain the other ones will begin to fill with nasty dirty water. so, thats broken. also i embarrassed myself infront of this lady, i had charged her for some cream cheese but i didn't check if we had any (because i assumed we did because there was no note saying we didnt and no one told me anything different) so i apologized profusely and offered her butter or jelly but she wanted it plain so i said okay let me refund you it can be in cash or store credit and i tried to hand her the 1.42 in change from the tip jar (i am very bad at returns!! and it wouldbe way easier to just give her back the cents she paid for 2 cream cheese) and she said she didn't want the refund!! so then i apologized some more and she left with the bagel and i just felt so fucking horrible. immediately inside of me felt like this ghost errupted through my stomach and up to my chest of just pain and horrible feelings and i had to concentrate really hard so i would not hurt myself because i wanted to smash my brain into the counter until my face is unrecognizable and i just felt this overwhelming wave of shame and pain inside of me just fill me up and i just felt horrible. anytime a customer is mad or upset or i do something wrong i want to hurt myself and punish myself. it is this great shame and anger. i usually just shove my arms into the hot burning water in the sink but the sink was broken so i just felt like i needed to vomit for a half hour and had to walk around and try and calm down and concentrate on not doing bad things. this makes working so hard for me, but i have to keep my job.

11.10 + 4:01

PATRICK BATEMAN

aaaa im writing this right before i have to go to work! anyways, i have a 6 day work week next week and im so nervous. i hate working for so long but whatever at least its a lot of hours. yesterday at therapy i talked for a long long long time. i talked about how my coworker had told me about their life, and i described how it feels like i am looking at like, a gecko. it doesn't feel like i am looking at the warmth of a person, but rather like a corpse on the slab, or a piece of meat. i just can't feel the warmth or soul in other people. its strange. and my therapist asked me if their story was in a movie how i would feel, and it made me think. its hard to think of it as a movie, because the contents wouldn't really draw me in, but i guess i could see them as something else. its strange talking to people. my therapist then began to talk about psycopaths and sociopaths shes worked with and how they need help turning on empathy. i assumed thats what she is doing with me. i then talked about how thinking about that makes me think of patrick bateman speech in american psycho. "There is an idea of a Patrick Bateman. Some kind of abstraction. But there is no real me. Only an entity. Something illusory. And though I can hide my cold gaze, and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping yours, and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are probably comparable, I simply am not there." And she told me to text it to her so that she could understand my point of view better. and that it is good i am starting to label my emotions. i have recently identified that maybe i don't truly hate people, but instead am extremely intensely jealous of them. and that makes me hate them. which she said was a good step to start identifying. i don't know. today i just want to get work over. i also burnt a pan today, i left it on the stove for over and hour and its really expensive and i am so nervous. i didn't mean to. i put a ton of baking soda and soap and water on it and its soaking right now so i hope its not destroyed. aaaa! time to work....

11.08 + ???

SPRAY BOTTLE

well. this week i have been feeling really disgusted.inner in me. a bit thing i did was finally figure out how to buy something from taobao. it is a little spray bottle plushie and i am SOOO excited i can't wait until i get it. it took me 8 years to finally give up on doing it on desktop and go into the taobao app. then it worked! i am so happie. it made me proud i didn't give up, and now i have a little spray bottle coming! hooray!!! also this weekend i had a delicious banana tempura sushi roll and i thought it was strange but it turned out very very yummy! i also got another roll with black peppper tuna. so good. i could eat like 30 rolls. now im getting hungry... i have been wanting to draw again but its really frustrating, my skill level isn't where i want it to be and i have this need to see the ::soul in the eyes of whatever i draw. and if its not there i just delete it and start over.
im now writing this after work. i lit my cherries on snow candle and it smells really really really really cherry! i also watched the winamp visualizer for like an hour while the internet was down and i feel so good. it was awesome. so peaceful, lots of such nice looking at.

11.03 + 8:05

FUNNEL

i don't like where im going. usually in november or october i gain a great sense of clarity from the cold, but lately the weather has been so warm here i feel nothing. i can't connect to my memories i can't connect to my body, i can't connect to anything. and no its not feeling like im living in a dream, i feel like someone turned my brain off. i can imagine my self in my head taking off a pair of glasses and cleaning them with the hem of their dress shirt, matter-of-factly, smartly, like i am able to analyze, but i don't feel my emotional side of me anymore. im completely off my medications, as when i take them i can't even begin to trip down the funnel, but even now all i can ever feel like is dancing. i have to listen to high stimulation music to even begin to factor anything. ive been listening to trance, my music i used to listen to when id write poetry. i read my old neocities site today and got jealous over my own ability to be so down in my own funnel of self. i don't want to break myself, i don't mean to make myself miserable in the pursuit of truth and feeling but i just have to. you can't lock me up in myself forever! i know that asshole is wiping his glasses and watching me shake my cage. i fucking hate being at the surface of my funnel. its like im being castrated. im totally gonna lose it if i have to stay here disconnected for so long. i haven't even written my dreams because of how fucking nothing they feel. usually my dreams are so much. now i feel nothing towards them. do i want to be miserable? am i going to ruin my own life for no reason other than to feel again? is someone giving me medication while i don't know it? im freaking out!!! i have so much energy i just want to split my funnel of self in half and pluck out myself. i won't trigger myself, but feeling nothing like this is driving me up the wall inside. i feel molested. i feel like someone is filling my body with water and flushing me out. i feel like im made of cement. its horrible. i can't feel my heartbeat, i can't feel my body move. im totally going fucking nuts. am i seeking out misery? i don't want to writhe in my own suffering. also my therapist cancelled on me and i have to do a phone session tomorrow which means i am going to say nothing of substance and feel worse off than even now. maybe thatll break my funnel of self. maybe ill just split in half completely. like i said, all i can think of dancing. its like in fight club, i need someone to hit me as hard as they can.

this is the big problem with me. i whine and whine about being miserable but suddenly when everything shuts off and im stuck at the surface of my funnel i become restless, angry, horribly cooped up and cleaned of everything. i suddenly become nothing and its like someone took all my emotions and tossed them in a knapsack in the river. im not even feeling the way i do when its cold and im stuck with no emotions and can only calculate. i feel like im on fucking molly, like someones pushing my face in the toilet and letting me drown and all the toilet water is going in my lungs and my veins. someones injecting me in my sleep i know it. im fucking freaking out yet i don't feel my heart race i don't feel my veins burst i don't feel my bones break i feel like im made of water bottles. im made of soap. im a completely new person. i don't remember anything, i don't feel like im anything. last night i slept for 14 hours. with me its always one of two things its either i sleep for 12-20 hours or i don't sleep at all. and my tv broke!! i can't sleep without it i have a whole ritual i have a whole schedule i do before i sleep and now its ruined because my tv won't work. i want to throw myself into a wall until my body splinters and bursts like red tomatoes. i want to cut myself open and break all my ribs and eat them and let them turn to ash in what's left of me. i don't even feel the need to self immolate, i feel the need to break myself until i die. im not me anymore. im someone else and they fucking raped and killed me in my sleep. they injected me and fucking misplaced everything and im nothing now. im not even myself. my frustration is at an all time high yet i cannot feel it in my at all. my therapist said i feel things at 1000x the normal person feel things, that i feel things inside me so intensely my suffering is intensified. but now im nothing. shes gonna think im a total fucking liar. i wish i would just jump into the highway. i want to be deer body smashed into pavement i want to be anhything but soap and water in my skin.

11.01 + 8:41

HALLOWEEN

Well October is over. I dressed up as katsura kotonoha from school days for halloween and it was really fun. maybe ill post pictures. i got home and bought some crowns for wizard101 so i could get a bunch of the halloween packs before they disappeared. i got some cool stuff. i don't know. i feel nothing. im happy i had a day off today. i don't want to go back to work. i don't want to do anything. i tried so hard to make halloween be something for me but. i just don't have it in me. i even spent a bunch of money and shitty new decorations. it feels dirty. i don't feel anything anymore really. im just defeated. my therapist seems fed up with me, so i've started to make a funnel of self. it is a large funnel showing all my "neuroticisms" and explaining them. and im hoping itll explain to her whats wrong and show her. itll make her understand. i really hope it does, i don't want her to hate me. i hate me. it's strange, i keep trying to build up the courage to make friends online here but i don't think i can. it makes me nervous. it makes me fearful. i don't think people will understand me. i don't think people will want to be my friend. which is fine. i jsut feel like. oh well. that is that. whatever. it feels like nothing. it feels like pain. anyways. the months are going by so fast now. the summer went by so fast too, i feel like i can't even remember when i started this job. i feel so bored with life. i feel so hopeless. like this is all itll ever be. me being nothing. i don't have any ambitions. i don't have any ambitions right now. i don't want a job or to work. i just want to be alone and not exist. and november doesn't seem to be shaping up to be anything.
all i can thinkk about is how cruel i am. and how angry i feel. is it cruel to be extremely jealous of people with seasonal depression? i just am so so so jealous. they get so much attention. its because there's a shift. they go from one state to another which makes a fuss. i am just hopeless every season every year every month. no fuss there. just normal. i am so jealous. i don't mean to be cruel. i just. want something just out of my reach. i am aching for soemthing that is beating me to death. i want interpersonal understanding.