11.30.23 + 8:36 AM

DECEMBER ALREADY

surprised with how fast the month went. missing the house sitting house, and thinking about the sopranos.
today in therapy my therapist said i had a very big emotional release. i was so angry, and talked all about my week, and i was having a bit of a freak out. but when do i not do that lol. i was really hysterical, screaming and crying, but i feel like thats most of what i do in therapy. she did say that i did not apologize for crying, but thats just because i knew i was going to start crying, and it wasn't a surprise to me when i started freaking out. my therapist says, that i need to put my trauma, on the shelf instead of holding it all the time, and open it for creative prospects. and that i need to validate myself, and she asked if she could give me a hug and i accepted the hug. but i know that it will not be easy for me to put anything on this metaphorical shelf, and i think she knows it too, i think. it makes me feel sick. but what doesn't. i think it was a good session.

took a shower, and i got a new tea, called rainy bookstore or something idk its lavender and bergamont and cornflower black tea. pretty good. also, weighed myself in the first time in 6 months, i am down to 118 pounds. i used to be 147 and was for about 3 years. i think it is because i am single, and have less stress and pain, to some amount, though that probably seems strange to say, because i am so often in somatic pain and distraught, but when i was with men, it would reactivate intense conditioning in me. or, i don't know.

8k words on my short story, i want to finish it by the end of december. hope everyone is safe, and in heaven. december grant me serenity, and peace in hope.

11.27.23 + 12:34 AM

GOODBYE HOUSE

back in my regular house.
excited for therapy on thursday, and payday on friday.
calmer now. calmer today. bad dreams, but they're somehow familiar, even if shameful and sick. i need to keep writing. and it will be december soon, and i imagine safety and sanctuary. things are painful in the moment, and all encompasing for hours. but then i go to work the next day. and i have to keep going

new coworker really made me angry. asked her how the close went with the coworker who they promoted over me, even though he only worked here for two months and i worked here for year and a half where i found out they weren't even considering me for promotion and only opened up the position for him. asked new coworker how the close went with him, she said he's her new best friend. me and my friend coworker had taken this girl out to smoke with us her first week, and we spent an our in the car talking all about cafe and being friendly and filling her in all about the stuff thats happened, and we explained to her about how he had undermined people, disrespectful, the promotion issue, and how he has a big ego, and his disgusting way he views certain situations. and we told her all that to warn her and everything, and told her all about everything and made jokes and talked about stuff we liked. but now, after one singular close with him, now they're best friends? one of the lead baristas today was angry that he didn't close properly and the trash bag ripped because he did it improperly and they had told him over and over again to please double bag to make it easier for everyone and the new girl goes "don't scold my best friend" oh my god i literally just looked at my lead barista like wtf. cause they're my boss, and he has undermined and disrespected both my lead baristas. even spilling bleach on purpose on one of my lead barista's aprons when he had offered to wash it for her, and then lying about them and twisting a situation to make them look bad when that wasn't the case, and he doesn't understand how creepy customers are dangerous to the staff, and says we're crazy and stuff. it is really disheartening.

i don't get it, of course people are their own and can make their own judgements of others, but its been every single one of us who have had issues with him, and after one four hour shift with him they're best friends? i just don't understand.! especially after what he's said and how he's treated me and undermined me, and disrespects everyone else. sigh. it makes me so confused and angry. she doesn't owe liking me or any of my coworkers of course, but it just makes me upset.
i didn't write about black friday because it was pretty quiet, run of the mill friday. our store like every other store did not have any good black friday deals, so it was a normal close. even though my manager asked if i was hungover, and i am sober and do not drink. oh well.
i am calmer, and continue to work. back in my room, i cleaned for about 15 minutes, and finally was able to throw out the three year old candy my ex's p*r*nts had given to me. i try to think of how i loved them, and how they loved me, but i can't feel much. they've disappeared from my heart, and now i pick up the pieces of f*th*rly and m*th*rly care they had left me with. the gigantic can of iced tea powder they gave me, the leather jacket his f*th*r gave me, the planner, the shirts, the books. the easter bunny basket. i never ate the candy, i was too scared. and now i threw it out. it makes me feel strange, feel empty. the one bastion and sanctuary of connection i had, i finally am able to let go of. it feels weird. i had given them a final package and letter after my ex and i had broken up, and they never wrote me back or contacted me, but my ex had said they got the package and liked it. but i didn't get a final goodbye, or to see them one last time. i look at their house everytime i drive to work each day, and i used to feel such agonizing pain inside my chest and sternum, like someone was lighting my ribcage on fire, and punching the wind out of me. but now, i don't feel it. its frightening. my therapist reminds me that i was capable of feeling it, and that it was there, but it feels like it never was. just my brain erasing and strangling it out of me.

i know i loved them, and i wanted them to be my p*r*nts, and i wanted their affection and grace and their pride and belief in me. but when i say that, when i think it, it doesn't evoke anything in me anymore. for something that was so painful, so strong and known, for something i had cried over, had felt so, secure, and needing and desperate, it is deathly quiet in my heart now. and i am scared.

feel calm. continue to pray to angels. a customer left an emdr workbook on the table in the cafe, and on impulse i bought it instead of putting it back. thinking.
had a dream. a very bad one. my dreams feel very scary, and very real. and i am confused and sick in them.
the pain passes, hiding inside me. i feel calm.

11.23.23 + 8:24 PM

I AM A DEGENERATE

pain vomit, diary repulse sacrament
i am a very very bad puppy who should have died.!!!!!! i am a degenerate, and my brain and body were stitched and put together poorly and badly and i am not good or honorable, i have no drive for life, no aspirations, and i do not want to be alive, and it was a waste to save me, and instead i am in ultimate pergatory where i am simultaneously extremely stupid and terrorized, and somehow also my brain is so mangled up and stupid i am unable to operate or make progress or thrive in life in any aspect or dictation. i am crying and need to vomit. i have to realize i deserve bad things, and not to expect good things, because the rest of the world does not expect good things and they are never disappointed and i am stupid to think things will ever get better, or things will ever be over. i am going to be in hell forever. and every terrorizing fucking monster who has access to me wants to throw me around like a doll and split me open and make a slit in my stomach and fuck me and strangle me and pushes their thumbs in my brain and squeezes out all my memories and dreams and experiences and kills them so i feel completely fucking lost and crazy and can't trust anything i think or feel because i am just not good or honorable and it hasn't gotten better, and i should stop thinking it will. because the more i hold onto false hope that things will get better the more miserable and surprised i am when i cannot have any control or self, because i am always a stupid fucking dead puppy everyone plays with and shoots and beats to death and strangles and fucks and puts in a cage because i am so bad!!!!

and it is so pathetic to cry and whine and cry and whine in my cage, because there is nothing that is going to change if im just wallowing in my own stupid pathetic misery all the time, which is all i do so thats why i get no where and then i stupidly wonder why my life doesn't get better. it is because it is my own fault, and i am a terrible and ugly thing, and i should have died when i was 4 in the hospital and terminal like i was fucking supposed to, because someone else deserved to live who had people who loved them and wanted them to live, someone who would make something of their life, and not be stuck being tortured (and my therapist says it was torture.)

it is my own fault i am miserable, and i should just finish the job that the angels postponed if i am so useless and worthless to make any progress, or have a chance at living. the problem is is that i do not want to live in the first place, so i have no desire or any drive to even experience or do anything, and all i can seek out is some nonexistant comfort or hope i never felt or experienced and can only imagine when i dream and even that has been ripped away from me and i am dying, and that is never coming to me because i will never be graced with it. and i should not be so stupid to be surprised when bad things happen to me because i always deserve it, there is nothing i ever do to earn it, and so i am only deluding myself into thinking i am some good and pure thing.

i feel absolutely crazy and stupid. i am so triggered. i want to just curl up and sink into the cold dirt and never wake up, it hurts so much. i hate my "f****y". i hate it i hate it i hate it i am just snuffed out and dead, and shaken. i am just very very very very very activated. and i am in a lot a lot a lot of pain and i feel it all over my body. i never asked to be born, and i never asked to be saved from death when i was little, so why me? there are a hundred million people who deserve to live more than me. the angels hate me, and so they made me live to feel pain, and then be told i was never in pain. is my therapist lying to me? am i a liar and do i not know waht im talking about is everything i remember and feel and suffer through just nothing at all. i know i know i know i know i know what i know and what i feel. am i just that incapable and stupid? i should never complain and should be so ashamed of myself. i am so ashamed of everything. i don't believe in anything anymore, and i jsut feel like i am losing it and am completely lost, and my whole everything has been made not to trust myself, and i can never remember, and remember at the same time and dream and feel but it just means nothing. i am so worthless, i am a waste. that is what it mean to be angel of suffering, because it means nothing. it just means nothing. i am made to be buried in the dirt. and i am made to decay and putrefy. and that is all i was made for. because simultaneously i am in so much extreme pain, and the world and everything is telling me it is not real. so i am just stuck in purgatory decay.

just in pain. just in a lot of pain. and i want it all to be over. it hurts so much. and i have been in this place so many times. i wish i was a good puppy but i am not. i am not a good puppy. and i have to stop telling myself i am a good puppy, and things will get better. and i have to give up on hope. becuase i will never deserve it. and i will not ever get it.

i have not slept well for last few days and i had to took a shower today and then had to go spend extended time around f****y, and was activated and triggered so i am just really in pain a lot, and my brain hurts and my mouth hurts, and i feel like hopeless completely. and i am sorry to the angels. i am very sorry and i wish for angels to forgive me.

really is pathetic and stupid because i do not have the strength to pick myself up or make anything of my life or myself. because i do not want to live in the first place. so all the pain just makes me curl up instead of get on my feet. and i just curl up and curl up and curl and curl and curl until i am a little maggot in the ground and i will be so stupid and little that i will wiggle around and eat my puppy body. sorry to angels and everyone for being agonizing. i will do my REBT worksheet and try and ask for forgiveness. i am very sorry, please forgive me.

i feel so lost, and very scared, and very stupid. and i just want angels to forgive me. because i am very sorry. and i don't know what to do. becuase it just feel. so helpless and hopeless. please i hope angels take pity on me and help me anyways even if i am a bad puppy because i really need it. ok. going to just try and sleep.

11.21.23 + 2:18 PM

THE MATRIX

couldn't sleep at all after getting home from work on sunday, and stayed up from 2 pm, to 1 pm the next day. in a lot of pain from cramps. just feel so lost. just feel very broken. laid in bed and did nothing the whole day off, just sleeping or being in pain. watched the first two matrix movies. don't know why i can't cope. need to take a shower, need to do laundry, need to get more food and water. i feel very lost. i won't see my therapist this week since thursday is thanksgiving or whatever. i won't think at all about anything anymore.
everything feels sick and discouraging. i just want a redo of my day off so i can spend it doing something productive instead of laying doing nothing. i feel sick. i feel so fed up, and exhuasted.
i finished all the final destination movies a couple days ago, because i had accidentally skipped 4 and went straight to 5. today i go to work. i have to work on my writing, and i have to make progress on something. otherwise i am just going to feel so worthless and dead all day.

no dreams of any significance come to me, its all babbling sick nonsense, of clothing, locations, and plots that are just nothing. i feel sick. and i feel like my brain is eating itself.
no brain connection, everything feels very wrong, and i feel very sick. do i go back to deep brain stimulation in scaring myself? do i just bang my head into every surface until my brain restarts? it feels out of control, but that is because it is so unmoving and dead. i feel like i am a fetus in a very cold womb, because whoever was carrying me died and went to heaven and now i am just waiting to die too and using the last of her blood to feed myself, and soon i will stretch my little fingers out for her but i can't see her brain splattered all over the wall, and i will die in the coldness and wetness and weightlessness of nonexistance and nonnconnection and unheldness and terror.

11.16.23 + 9:27 PM

MUSCLE RELAXANT

cried during therapy. my body cries without me, and then i start to scream and get very frustrated because i am not willingly crying, or crying of my own volition or desire, so i become so overwhelmingly frustrated at how pathetic i sound. my body started crying when i was trying to explain the concept, that every time i wake up, its like a flashbang went off, and the whole day is spent in that haze, unable to see hear feel or orient myself in any form, and i cannot calm down no matter what. like, i could spend a whole day, a week, a month, sleeping, watching tv, and doing absolutely nothing, and i would still feel like i would be trying to calm down the whole time, that it is neverending, trying to come into any sort of window of tolerance, or any groundedness. that i feel like i am constantly, always, and exhaustedly always just trying to come down from what feels like a jacob's ladder of terror and pain inside me.

my therapist wants me to be on an anticonvulsant, or an antipsychotic. i fucking want to die instead. that is what i want. i hate life. i am so bitter and angry today. i am so full of hate and resentment. my therapist says i have very low empathy, or difficulties with empathy, my whole life i was told i was very perceptive to other people, and had high empathy, fuck, my last therapist said i was extremely empathetically perceptive. i don't really care either way, because god and the angels have abandoned me on the side of the road and thrown my crate into the river, and im suffocating and dying.
had a terribly triggering moment at work, where me and my coworker, and a manager on the bookside were all chatting and laughing at the register when there weren't any customers, and we were laughing about one of our blenders exploding, and an old man came over and yells "excuse me!" and begins to berate us, but specifically me because he was staring at me with the craziest most evil eyes ever. he said we needed to halve the volume, and this was the one fun thing he did outside of the gym and he couldn't read because our conversation was distracting him and hes a teacher and we're worse than his students and a bunch of other bullshit. it isn't a fucking library. and he was sitting right next to the bar so of course he is going to overhear. i was so fucking angry, my shoulders and neck and my entier back and face were all tensed up and i got so angry, i was yelling so much in therapy but i just held my tongue in the moment and stayed silent and calm. the bookside manager just placated him and we laughed and joked about it after but i was so so so angry.

people do plenty of things i don't like or hate or ruin my day, do i ever fucking go up and request people to be quiet? or to not move the tables so the floors dont rust? or to not order the stupidest most impossible drink imaginable? or tell them off when people almost run me over on the crosswalk? or do i fucking go up to anyone when they're bothering me and berate them? no. i just suck it up because that's how life works. how fucking stupid and miserable and self centered do you have to be to think people can shut up wherever they are just so you can read your stupid fucking book. i should have just taken one of the knives we use for sandwhiches and sliced my body open in front of him and asked him if he felt better now, and then cut out my tongue and handed it to him.

i feel myself getting more and more resentful of my coworker. she tells me a lot about herself, and i feel like when i try and talk about myself it just slides right by her, and dies curled up, and i can't articulate things, and she doesn't seem interested. and she already has other friends, works two jobs, goes to college, has a car. i am so jealous and bitter. i do not ever say these things out loud or am outwardly cruel or mean to people. i just feel it inside. i can't feel the angels, and because there is no one ever holding my hand in real life either, and so i am in a lot of pain today and everyday. i just fucking hate that i am unskilled, and everything is difficult for me, and that i have made no progress with my life whatsoever. i am no good, and i am a very bad puppy and deserve to get run over and have my brains beaten out of me. and every bad thing that ever happened to me, i deserved.


i have written 3 thousand words so far for my writing piece, so i think it is coming along okay. i want to get 10k words done. i was finally able to take a shower today. so i feel cleaner. but i am very very very ugly today.
flashbang world.

11.12.23 + 12:09 AM

TODAY I SLEEP IN A DIFFERENT HOUSE

i moved all my overnight bag and the groceries i have to the house im house sitting at. what do i feel? like i just want to sleep on the couch by the tv. i made myself some sleepytime tea. the electric kettle is all gross, so i can't use it. i'm really uncoordinated, so i tried to wash a pot to boil some water and got soapy water all over myself and the floor. oops. i'm much more coordinated at work but i guess when it comes to taking care of myself i'm just worse off.

someone tipped me 20 dollars on the pinpad tip today. but all our tips are broken up by the number of hours we each get a week, and because i am not full time i will get maybe 2 dollars of that.. even though it was me the guy was tipping. minus taxes. i want to cry. my manager hates me too, though she is never really liked me cause she thinks i am mentally slow, and my therapist says i don't come off that way but i don't know. i was talking to one of the lead baristas today, who pointed at that they've had plenty of ugly fights with my manager and they are still cool with her. but for some reason my manager just hates me. she keeps trying to get me to date the older men customers, like those who are 40 or 50. it makes me really uncomfortable, and my coworkers have told her off multiple times. she just hates me. and she likes everyone else but me. i don't like her either but i am always cordial and kind. behind closed doors though, i definitely do not like her, because she is a terrible manager and woman. but none of my coworkers like her either, so why me?

the owners of the house said i could have as many friends over as i wanted, and to just clean up. i wish i could have friends to have over. i offered my coworker if she wanted to make the drive to hang out, but i don't think she'll come, cause its a bit of a drive. guess i will just be alone. i lit a candle, and just hope i won't feel sick, cause i already do.

pictures of my tea and cake i ate.

11.10.23 + 11:31 PM

MARLBORO GOLD 100S

today i bought me and my coworker marlboro gold 100s. and i also bought a drink and a snack for myself but she said she didn't want one so i didn't get her one cause i didn't want to pick soemthing wrong. and the guy who checked and scanned my ID said i had a really pretty ID photo and i said thank you. i was happy he thought it was pretty.
smoked, they're so smooth, go down super easy, and my coworker was complaining how they didn't burn. got the key to the house im house sitting, its going to be nice, being able to relax and be alone i think. i will try hard to be productive, and not just sleep and watch the sopranos or resident evil movies.
apparently my coworker's friend who we smoked with thinks im cute. she was asking my coworker about me, seeing if i'm interested, and though she was cute, apparently she was very cruel to her last partner, and i am not looking to be involved in that. plus i barely know the chick. my m******m helped me with laundry, and it was stacked high above the light switch, but i am terrible at doing laundry and getting it done. another ADL task i am very poor at. i have been terrible at feeding and bathing myself lately too. well, i guess im really just terrible at doing anything to care for myself, can't sleep, eat, do my laundry, clean, all i am really good at is working my job. lol.
i think i will be making custom sheets and charts, my therapist says its really important for me to recognize hypoarousal and hyperarousal in myself, even though i think my funnel works just fine and is more accurate. whatever. i will make it anyways. i will have to make ADL chart too. so i can check off things i did, and make myself do things. i really need to get on risperidone.

11.09.23 + 5:39 PM

BROKEN FACE

therapist made me do phone call cause she had car troubles. i feel nothing, i feel catastrophic. my body is falling apart and swollen.
my f***M****ly's friend wants me to house sit, and i said yes, so i'll have no one to bother me for a while. they even said i could have a friend stay with me. i don't have anyone to do that, but it'll be nice to be alone. maybe i'll actually be productive and get stuff done like writing or drawing, and not just sleep.
therapist keeps talking about torture. i don't listen half the time, on the phone all i can do is get more and more agitated and just keep talking and spiraling, i hate the phone. i feel like i am spitting out all my mouth into the sink. i think my brain exploded, or i overloaded it trying to force my body to sleep. something. i'm going to make some charts. i'm getting that hypoarousal funnel shutdown, slowly slipping down, where my muscles stop cooperating and i get that slumped over and can't write or think or even move my body because it wants to die. i tried to figure out what it is, adrenal fatigue? cataplexy? psychomotor retardation? who cares, it doesn't matter what it is. im not going to the doctors anyways. my therapist knows unless i get medicated, or move out, im not improving anytime soon. she brings it up every session, to get medicated, but im literally just paralyzed. all i can do is work. i just go in early, go in on my days off, do my double shifts, my 11 hour days, whatever. i don't care. at least i have a job and im working. thats what matters.
i already feel sick. i feel sick sick sick. my mouth waters up like im going to vomit. i don't feel clean at all.

11.05.23 + 9:04 PM

DEER

coworker said she wanted to smash my face in with a brick.
not in a mean way, she said, but in a cute way, said she wanted to bash my face in, and hit me with a rock until my brains smeared out and kill me. what lead up to it? i was so happy and excited, i did a little dance at work, really stupidly, just like jumping up and down and making happy sounds. and then she said that. i said "oh. cute aggression?" and she said yeah, and was laughing about it and was smiling at me the whole time, saying "꒰ྀིlisa i just want to take a brick and hit you over and over again with it, and kill you with a brick, until your brains come out." she was giggling and watching me jump up and down on my feet and laugh. i certainly wouldn't say no if she did do this to me. i don't think i'd protest. i'd be smiling all big, and letting her cave my face in, watch my pink and red tangled mess of sinew and meat, birth from my skull. maybe she would cradle the feverish hot flesh of my brain like a baby, and kiss me. i think it would make me happy. or i think i wouldn't care at all. and my other coworker, this other woman who is a little younger than me, before she left asked if we needed anything. and i said "a hug!" and she said "really? you want one?" and then i got to hug her. she was warm and soft.
i was so excited today, i acted really stupid, when i get really excited and happy i become puppy, but not dumpster puppy, more like, wishing puppy, where i hope and hope and hope everyone like me and be nice to me, and i get all belly up and wiggle a bunch. me, my coworker, and our new coworker all smoked together, and then talked in the car for a whole hour, and i was so excited, smushing my face into the seat and wiggling. i don't know how to make myself act normal and good sometimes, so it was really embarrassing but nobody said anything bad. so i think it was okay, even if the new girl thinks i am strange. we are the same age.
stayed up all night again last night until 8 am. ugh. went to the mall and got a new perfume and serum. i wanted to get new pajamas and underwear too at victoria's secret cause i have tons of coupons and stuff and they have free tote but i forgot the coupons at home and had to go into work.
my therapist sent me an article about the window of tolerance. i think it is similar, in some ways, to my funnel, but not exact. i see similarities between hyperarousal and hypoarousal, especially at the top of the funnel, where it is more hypoarousal and vacant mind, and the lower kind of throbs between hyperarousal and hypo.