11.06.24 + 12:48 AM

FORGOT TO WALK

think im getting sick. throat hurts. ate a ton of garlic and tumeric to try and flush it all out. i just feel like shit in general. i just wish things were better. this is so sad. i hate being a woman. when i think about the future of life, i jsut think that i don't want to bother with it at all. i don't want to live it at all. there is nothing i am really striving or hoping for. i just am really sad with the state of so much suffering everywhere. i feel close to it being over. at least right now. but when do i not feel close to wanting to die. i can only pray.

i can only accept. please angels, help me. and deliver me away from this pain.

11.04.24 + 4:01 PM

I DON'T HAVE MUCH TO SAY

it's november. why i've been gone so long, after attempting to write a short story for publication, i got sidetracked because i basically lived at my blonde friend's house, who quit her job at the place i used to work at, and got a new job. i lived there for about a week and a half i think. it was a while. bookseller bought me passes to go to a comic con in rhode island, and i made a cosplay. i met tara strong, the voice of twilight sparkle, as well as the voice of riza hawkeye from FMA, and the voice of toph from AtLA. i got lots of cool stuff too. but i've just been away. i get so distract3ed easily. the only real consistency i have is watching dexter. i did not like the second season.

all i can think about is making money. i need money. i need to get a job. i feel so unfulfilled, or perhaps not that, but something else. i just feel really wishy washy, and unsure of how i should procede. i want to be prestigious, but fall short in the traditional sense of college and a degree. i know i will be throwing money away if i go back to college, because i just know myself well enough to know i won't get any work done. i have no discipline. i want to grasp discipline though. and i want to be disciplined. all i can think now is if i should continue the slow burn of "working" (mindlessly wandering around lost and in pain around my house and then praying and writing for all of an hour) on acheiving my dreams, or if i need to just hunker down and attempt to salvage some money. i just feel so limited by my brain and cognitive functioning. it's very discouraging, and i get so overwhelmed with all the financial or corporate jargon, and i look at jobs and think "i have no idea how to approach that, or what it even is". maybe everyone is having a tough time at it. all i think about everyday is how i'm going to financially survive and support myself. how i will make myself a livable life. how i will afford my own life. then i go back into a slump of thinking "well. i don't even want to do any of this anyways, i'm so uninterested in life.". but what do i do with that. nothing.

i miss the house sitting house. i had a crying fit where i was inconsolable because bookseller was going home from our blonde friend's house, and i wanted him to stay. i was crying nonstop for an hour before he left. only 2 minutes later he returned and said he couldn't leave me there, with me being so sad. it was nice to be considered.

i didn't get more than 6 thousand words done. what a failure on my part, being distracted by other people and socialization. i need to be productive. please God protect me, and help and carry me through. please angels, hold me. i can't feel much, and my stomach hurts.