11.27.24 + 9:22 PM

CONTAINTMENT BREACH

nearly made myself sick screaming from playing scp containment breach multiplayer and getting killed by 106.

bookseller called me last night at 4 am, he had a syncope in the bathroom, and had fallen flat on his face and lost consciousness, busted his nose and lip. he said he didn't know who to call, i thought at first he must have had a seizure, and i hadn't even thought of a syncope. i saw him today and he bought me a twilight sparkle balloon. at least it's nothing serious, but i worry for his heart, and pray he'll be alright. it doesn't feel real over the phone, trying to comfort or care when i can't be there to check a pulse or watch it happen.

i just did not stop crying in therapy today.

11.26.24 + 6:05 PM

CONVINCING MISTAKE

went to my cousins house over the weekend for a con. i didn't have any sort of time, good or bad. some lady started screaming at us becuase she was talking during a panel and one of my cousins told her to be quiet and then i had an episode the rest of the day because i could not stop shaking the rest of the day and kept crying randomly. i hate when my emotions go out of control, because i physically and mentally have no desire or no urge to cry but it just happens without my control entirely. the tremors didn't stop, and neither did how badly my heart was racing, i felt like i was going to die any second. extreme molestation feelings in waves the entire weekend, it's so painful and overwhelming, entire sickness taking up my body and swallowing me, i want to burn myself alive so it all turns to ash and is purified and goes away.

bookseller brought me chocolate hazelnut biscotti. it tastes good, but i just can't care. i feel so out of sorts. my brain hurts so bad with emotional torture tempesting. for no reason at all. i cry myself to sleep, i try to rock for hours, but i can't soothe myself no matter what i do it feels like. just keep trying, because everything continues anyways without me if i like it or not. it just keeps going, so that's all you can do. all i know is that even this will dissolve. perhaps i will dissolve and deteriorate further, but there's nothing to do about that right now. you have to work hard everyday to retrain your brain, unfortunately mine loves to bite and maul me and suck all my muscles and skin off my body and rape the bones. or, that's what it feels like. no use in speaking in absolutes either, about yourself or others. no use to deny yourself autonomy, to deny yourself control denies yourself the ability to take responsibility for your actions and life, and then you can never take actions that change things. the problem lies within the instincts that i do not have about what's best for me, what's supposed to be, what is the most beneficial and prevents the most harm.

threw away a bunch of trash in my room. more feeings of molestation and violation all over my brain and skull and my whole entire body. i don't know how to get rid of it. i don't know how to just keep pushing through, and not complete collapse when i feel it. i talk to my therapist tomorrow. i hope it will still be in person i hate hate hate hate hate phone calls i hate them so much. times like this when there is an overwhelm of disaster in my thoughts, and it is inescapable, or that i refuse to deny the reality of pain, all i can do is let it go into the bath. it won't go away, but life is going on anyways. there is no reality in which i stay behind and the ultimate reality is that i am continuing with it. at least take comfort in that fact, that no matter what you do, you are continuing with life anyways. there is no way to get left behind, because the past never stays still, you will never freeze over, because the burning of time still permeates through everything licking you like a baby still thinking it's in the womb, waking it.

if the angels can help me, that's all i want. that's all i want, is to be soothed, and helped along. i cry myself to sleep, in hoping i will be rescued, but i will have to keep moving anyways. please carry me angels.

11.20.24 + 11:08 PM

I'VE SENT CHERRY APPLE PIES

all of my dreams recently are all about being taken in a car, packing up hundreds of boxing, finding or losing my items and clothes in boxes, big malls. walking. all seems to be the same. i blow dry my hair tonight. i feel so wrong. just one of the nights where some bigger part of me just pushes everything away, i feel so disconnected, and like i can't stand to speak to others. it's painful but what isn't. just listening to wild horses, and have to force myself to forget. tomorrow i have therapy and i hope it's in person because i am really not feeling well.

i forgot to write that bookseller and the blonde and i all went to the yankee candle village place the other day. it was fine. we had dinner, to which i felt very lonely sitting at the table across from them. i just feel like it's so confusing to try to be friends with others. when i realize i don't know what i'm supposed to do to be polite or be involved, i just get confused and scared, and want to hide away from everyone. billiards was worse. i was loud and trying to be confident, and got told to be quiet multiple times. i just feel like my personality is a very shitty kids project that was half slapped together. specifically the ones that are like, the paper people that you hang above a door, that kind of look like one long snowflake but it's people holding hands. but mine are all crummily cut with shaking hands and kids scissors and they're tied together with yarn that's falling apart, and it's colorful and shoddy but you know a kid made it. that's what i feel like my adult "personality" is like. a fragmented and confused mess that doesn't really understand what it's supposed to be, just copying the memory.

i know with more socialization, i'll get better and be able to improve. i just feel like everyone already knows what to do, or, the sense of what i am supposed to do is wrong. i don't know. i feel so stupid and my ego is wounded becuase i feel inadaquate. it's not a big deal, but apparently it's driving my brain crazy because i can't make myself feel better. i tried to paint and all of my skill and ability is gone, it's all scribbles or poor understanding of everything. my brain gets so frustrated my hands drop the pen and then i can't move them and i just want to collapse in a heap. psychomotor retardation. things will get better. but right now, i just don't feel good. even making hot chocolate didn't make me happy. how is that possible.

11.19.24 + 9:48 PM

DID YOU NEVER WANT TO BE ALONE

two of my cousins dogs were put down yesterday morning. i knew them since they were just puppies. though many of my nightmares involve the stifling heavy violation of dog piss and shit, overwhelming of the cries, i do feel... nothing. i guess i should feel something, but the only way i can only feel bad is that i know i'll have to confront the grief my cousins are feeling when i go over on thursday. i can't feel any particular way. sure, if i force myself to think about it over and over and over, i start to well up with grief, but it's only for the idea of them. maybe feeling their absence will cause me to grieve. i remember their small bodies as puppies, i could hold them against my chest, how soft their muzzles were, smooth like a stuffed diorama. they were both extremely large dogs, and unfortunately since they were both labradors, they were riddled with cancer. knowing my aunt, theyll get new puppies soon. i hope so, so that they can put all their attention on the new puppies.

continuing to paint. i take for granted the feeling of walled up cement inside my heart and chest. i pray to God and ask him to forgive that my brain was molded into this abomination. i know He soothes me.

11.16.24 + 9:51 PM

WAIT WAIT; DON'T TELL ME

my ability to paint a body is testing me. i love exposure in my paintings, and so i can't help but create each of my girls to be exposed, it's how i feel too. my blonde friend got a desk job. it seems really nice, but its too far away from me. if it was closer (not nearly an hour away) i'd apply. i hope theres something like that around me too. i hate not being productive.

11.15.24 + 8:48 PM

BLACK AND YELLOW

lots of paintings. creatively inclined. therapy yesterday was very nothing. usual brain stimulation and simulating control and peace. at least i can paint.

11.12.24 + 9:09 PM

NONSTOP HEADACHE

today i had a better dream. my head hurts because i haven't been able to shower with how sick i am. when i went to the con i had to shower sitting on the floor of the shower because i hadn't slept in so long. no wonder i got sick i guess. i want to paint a lot, i feel inclined to it. every bad day is temporary. i just have to remember, and pray about it. i feel really gross, and i want to clean myself, but i don't know if im recovered enough yet to stand on my own in the shower. i hate feeling dirty.

11.11.24 + 5:17 PM

MORE NIGHTMARES

had a nightmare about kennels filled with dying and sick kittens and puppies, food and excrement all over the floor, rats and bugs everywhere. when i tried to lay down after cleaning, he came over my body. i feel so sick now. i guess i'm just in a rut for now, of hopeless tunnel vision. i just feel like i'm constantly being violated over and over again, i guess i shouldnt be surprised when i don't feel positive.
really surprised with my art recently. it turned out really good. i drew ponysonas for the Dexter cast. or, rather, just dexter, doakes, and brian moser. i am really liking dexter. not much else is going on, besides the fact i need to shower desperately. i can't get out of bed much, but at least i have enough energy to sit up now, before i would get so dizzy. feeling so worried and afraid at baseline. guess i'll just have to wait for it all to turn around.

11.10.24 + 5:34 PM

JUST PAIN

praying to God for mercy on this world. vomitted, crying. so sick. i feel so stagnant and ugly. i just feel like i can't do it anymore.

11.06.24 + 12:48 AM

FORGOT TO WALK

think im getting sick. throat hurts. ate a ton of garlic and tumeric to try and flush it all out. i just feel like shit in general. i just wish things were better. this is so sad. i hate being a woman. when i think about the future of life, i jsut think that i don't want to bother with it at all. i don't want to live it at all. there is nothing i am really striving or hoping for. i just am really sad with the state of so much suffering everywhere. i feel close to it being over. at least right now. but when do i not feel close to wanting to die. i can only pray.

i can only accept. please angels, help me. and deliver me away from this pain.

11.04.24 + 4:01 PM

I DON'T HAVE MUCH TO SAY

it's november. why i've been gone so long, after attempting to write a short story for publication, i got sidetracked because i basically lived at my blonde friend's house, who quit her job at the place i used to work at, and got a new job. i lived there for about a week and a half i think. it was a while. bookseller bought me passes to go to a comic con in rhode island, and i made a cosplay. i met tara strong, the voice of twilight sparkle, as well as the voice of riza hawkeye from FMA, and the voice of toph from AtLA. i got lots of cool stuff too. but i've just been away. i get so distract3ed easily. the only real consistency i have is watching dexter. i did not like the second season.

all i can think about is making money. i need money. i need to get a job. i feel so unfulfilled, or perhaps not that, but something else. i just feel really wishy washy, and unsure of how i should procede. i want to be prestigious, but fall short in the traditional sense of college and a degree. i know i will be throwing money away if i go back to college, because i just know myself well enough to know i won't get any work done. i have no discipline. i want to grasp discipline though. and i want to be disciplined. all i can think now is if i should continue the slow burn of "working" (mindlessly wandering around lost and in pain around my house and then praying and writing for all of an hour) on acheiving my dreams, or if i need to just hunker down and attempt to salvage some money. i just feel so limited by my brain and cognitive functioning. it's very discouraging, and i get so overwhelmed with all the financial or corporate jargon, and i look at jobs and think "i have no idea how to approach that, or what it even is". maybe everyone is having a tough time at it. all i think about everyday is how i'm going to financially survive and support myself. how i will make myself a livable life. how i will afford my own life. then i go back into a slump of thinking "well. i don't even want to do any of this anyways, i'm so uninterested in life.". but what do i do with that. nothing.

i miss the house sitting house. i had a crying fit where i was inconsolable because bookseller was going home from our blonde friend's house, and i wanted him to stay. i was crying nonstop for an hour before he left. only 2 minutes later he returned and said he couldn't leave me there, with me being so sad. it was nice to be considered.

i didn't get more than 6 thousand words done. what a failure on my part, being distracted by other people and socialization. i need to be productive. please God protect me, and help and carry me through. please angels, hold me. i can't feel much, and my stomach hurts.