10.29.23 + 9:54 PM

GOOD GOD

not much update today, i just worked all day lol, and i got tacobell with my coworker. we put the windows down in the rain and smoked, and i was screaming the song really flatly cause i got too excited. i am a bit worried my wig thats coming in for ada wong will not come in on time... so i am nervous. but i also just made today's entry so i could show my cool latte art feat. my work shoes.

i also went shopping for some makeup stuff. i am pretty good at halloween sfx makeup i think.. i did a slit mouth once one year which looked cool i think. but im going to have to paint the infected las plagas veins on my face, plus actually do my eye makeup good. so i hope i will be aweosme and cool and itll look nice. time to take a milk bath.

10.28.23 + 10:26 PM

MALL TRIP

today i worked an 11 hour shift. the opener called out, texted me. good thing i showered last night, otherwise i would have been totally miserable. i worked really hard today. i went to the mall yesterday and bought some stuff cause there were stores with 40% off sale. i re bought shadow of the colossus and the original resident evil 4 on ps2 cause i lost them to my ex. and today i worked 11 hours, got takeout from the restaurant next door. it wasn't so bad. tomorrow i go in at noon to 7:30. also everyone in mhy store is getting a dollar raise. yay. im very excited for halloween, because my costume is ada wong from resident evil. going to do makeup of las plagas infection. very excited. i get happy when i buy new clothes.
i need to write some more, but its hard at the top of the funnel. not only am i at the outskirt top of the funnel, trained and flat, but i am also in a good mood. though it doesn't feel as if so when i write this, i think i am just tired from being on my feet for 11 hours. but i feel okay. the shift went by fast. i didn't even think anything of it, cause i can do it. i will try hard. i want to be good. and show that i am not a loser and stupid. i want to do a lot of stuff, but its impossible at the top of the funnel. is it possible in the funnel even? i don't know. just feel both simultaneously washed out and bleak, like i've been wrung out and hung to dry on a clothing line, and also hapy that the sun is warming me and blowing me in the wind.
my favorite tea to get at the tea shop is wintermelon oolong, or honey lemon ginger. so good. i meant to take a picture but i drank it all before i could put it down. oh well.

10.25.23 + 10:55 PM

INVERTED: YOU WILL SUFFER

he holds me in his arms it's no good
things don't go like they should
talking to my coworker about my life and my p*************r********nts. talking about how i have issues. she goes "are you like, winona crazy? or actual crazy" because i was talking about my therapist wanting me to live in a group home or something similar supportive housing. i felt my stomach knot up and burst. i have such bad validation issues, and i guess i just felt sick. the question she asked me refers to girl interrupted, and winona ryder's character's mental affliction being different than the other girls. or perhaps that was just how i interpreted it. but i tried to explain myself, and tell her that, no i am, i am not just saying it to say it. and i couldn't get the words out. i didn't want to scare her off by explaining just how bad i am. so i just stuttered and repeated the same opening line "no im actually like-" over and over. i don't think i could make her understand if i tried. i don't know how she thinks of me now. my only interpretation is that she believes i am normal. or somewhat normal. and wouldn't need that sort of supportive housing. so i guess that means i do well to make myself look good. perhaps. behaviorally she doesn't think i am like that. i don't know.

went walking today, and this old man who is a neighbor asks me how school went because he thought i went to highschool. i stuttered and babbled and as i tried to explain that i am not in highschool, and eventually just managed to stutter out "no i do work i do work." incredible. i want to blow my mouth open and spray all my teeth and cheeks and jaw down my chest and the walls. i smoked with my coworker and it was nice. i have therapy tomorrow. stayed up until 4 am last night worrying about not being independent, how i don't want to be alive in the first place, how i am stuck in permanent brain RAD surgi-psycho programming.
listened to a show on the radio about this man and his friend, and his friend became became some sort of hoarder, was angry at the world, and eventually died. how he was adopted, and how his parents neglected and beat him and how he never thrived like the narrator did, never able to get out or move on. i am very afraid, that that will be me. they said on the show, "maybe his paralysis, his inability to leave the nest wasn't, as he said, learned helplessness, but innate helplessness, The kind a baby feels."
i think i feel like that. all the time.

10.23.23 + 7:17 PM

TURBULENCE

my reiki practitioner told me that she thinks i am a "magnetic baby angel".
making salted rice with smoked salmon. we're all out of eggs so im pissed. i didn't schedule a new reiki appt, cause she's leaving. i didn't even bring it up cause she started fiddling with stuff in her desk and i didn't want to make it awkward so i just left. i feel sad. i need to go back to the market and get more stuff for me to eat. cause i've jut been eating 시금치나물 and rice lately. that and the protein bars at work. i really am a sucker for gingerbread, so i think i'll probably just be making gingerbread or sugar cookie lattes now that holiday is soon. but maybe only gingerbread in foam or stuff, it tastes gross with espresso.
i'm at the top of the funnel. i can't feel anything. and not in a sad way, in a fucked out numb way, where my body is tipped up over the lip of a glass. like i can smack my palms against the bottle and it won't shatter, i won't feel it at all. like i am candle wax suffocation, tied up and burning painless white fire, watching my body turn to ashes and crumple. strange disconnection, but i know i'm just at the top of the funnel where its slick and polished and i can't reach in, can't feel anything, placation and taut brain wiring, nothing crossfires, expert white cloud day, my coffee burns my lips and stains my face and i don't feel or know anything about myself, i am just the skin against my clothes and thats it. no past no present, where nothing makes sense to me, and all i can do is smile nod and walk in my heels.

sacrificial violent prayer autumn, blessing kiss on my forehead. i am very stupid and good, and i will do whatever you say. psychosurgical programming mode turning me into obedience dog, no foam in my mouth, and no words slipping out my teeth. i never knew anything at all, and every thing ive ever touched and held and seen erases as my brain is activated frankenstein alter.

10.22.23 + 5:01 PM

WORK DREAMS

thinking about lately how i cannot remember what it feels like to be touched or held. you know how you can think in your head about what things taste like, like remembering the taste and sensation of peppermint or coffee. well i can't remember the sensation of hands on my face or body, besides the time it has been painful or sick, but even then it is very strange and ugly and not like having an actual hand on your. it's like it was never there at all.
salivating in hope, when it's cold like this and bright it makes me feel strange, and i just want to be bestowed a gift. things will get better, but be different. i have reiki tomorrow, guess i will just have 1 more session with her before she leaves. i hope she tells me, things will be okay. i was left so aching and tearful after last time, after the male angel held me and she told me about him. i can only hope for guidance, and for a sign, and for a miracle, and for hope.
we got gingerbread syrup into work. its strange, i had no idea we were even getting gingerbread as a flavor when i had those work dreams. but i guess my soul just knew. it tastes super gross in lattes and stuff. i guess it used to be a suace but now its a flavor syrup and its gross. its like, mega cinnamon fireball flavored but sour and bitter. but i kind of made it work. i blended nonfat milk with 2 pumps of gingerbread and 2 pumps of brown sugar, and the foam can be used to top iced drinks and its pretty delicious and all my coworkers who tried it agreed. i smoked with my coworker and her friend, cause her friend doesnt have a car and just showed up at our work cause they took an uber and then made my coworker take them home so. we had an extra smoking partner. i took off my sweatervest in the rain and just had my pajama pants and bra on that i wore to work, and the rain felt good. i was really hot and sweaty from working so i didn't even get cold. and then i tried to spray a bunch of perfume on me to cover up the smoke smell and it didn't work too good. my coworker said the perfume smells nice but its not my style, i just got it for the one purpose.
i need to buy a new coat. i have no cute coat to wear at all, and i have saved up a lot of my tip money. i made 19 dollars in tips today. i will pick a nice cute coat.

10.18.23 + 3:19 PM

DREAMSCAPE HELL

stuck in a terrible dream world. last few nights im in the same dream realm, where everything is super way too saturation bright washed out, total molestation disgust. its all about being writhing and used and lost and confused and everything is way way way too bright and im little and disgusting. and its the same realm, same space in my brain where everything is limp and washed out and i am dying and in the worst most sick way that im too alive and fighting to live in this kind of hell that im stuck in. and its the same realm every night. its terrible, i do the worst most disgusting things, trying to get shit out of my mouth, being forced, i'm too disgusted and wake up feeling disgusting and used and washed out like someone cleaned me out with a powerwasher and not in a clean way but in a limp and horrible way. so it just hurts.

i feel abandoned, and alone. and i don't feel held. i just feel like ive been closed and walled off. so it hurts a lot.
i don't know what to do to get back in good graces. maybe this is the part of the death where i have to just endure and wait. i want to be good. and it hurts to be so sick and abandoned. i am barren and ugly. and my brain is dug out and fucked out and dead. i don't want to be abandoned. and i can't fight my fists into grasping into anything.
i haven't drawn in 2 weeks, or tried to draw. i just feel so disconnected and wrong. i want to be put back in alignment, like i'm being pushed into a snuffed and fluid drainage corner of the funnel. some prayer, ritual, sacrifice of some part of myself, id give it to be good. i'd give it to be loved and held. i want things to be okay. theres no one in my dreams except the sick punishments and disgust, and in my waking life my voice comes out too loud, too fearful, too brutalized. is this part of metamorphosis? or am i abandoned.

10.14.23 + 11:04 PM

I DREAM OF GINGERBREAD

smoked a cigarette outside in the starbucks chairs with my coworker. nice to kick back in those big chairs. there was a no smoking sign, oops. but it was closed. we got taco bell together too! so awesome. i was very happy. we did mbti tests, but i already knew mine, INFP. my coworker is an ENTJ.
im too loud. and i need to have volume control, but i get so happy and excited its hard. my therapist says its endearing but sometimes people shush me and make me feel like a bad puppy, so i feel bad. had a strange dream about the people from highschool i saw at the fair coming into my work and humiliating me. its really weird. all my dreams aren't detailed enough to really put into a full post, but they're all about misguidance, feleing lost, excluded. my mouth tastes like smoke and i feel okay. i hope i get to work on time tomorrow. hope i feel motivated soon. i hope for love and cherishment and connection.
thinking about thing i saw: i need to do something, i can't waste my life, but im tired and don't want to do anything more. i think that is the cycle i am always in. at least right now. hopeless circling before i fall asleep.

10.13.23 + 10:52 PM

FIG AND SPICE SYRUP

all my dreams are about navigation, not knowing what to do, the inherent feeling of lost and directionless and unguided. feels like shit.
we got rear ended driving home from my work. the cop came really fast, and found the other guy at fault. just hit from behind, the guy didn't stop when we were waiting to turn onto a street. feel like im going to vomit, i have a headache or a migraine. but i guess i just feel like, whatever. sure, the adrenaline and fear and pain exploded in my body, but even when the car jolted forward i barely registered it was happening. felt. sure, but i guess im just, already exploded and dead.

more phone call therapy, fucking doesn't help at all. i talk about nothing. i just scream into the phone too loud and nothing fixes or feels.
my dreams are just too disjointed, and i dream of making drinks and using syrups like i do at work. weird sweet gingerbread and spices and fig and it overflows in the blender and im so confused. everything is just too lost. and i feel lost too. like a lost cause, like the point is just that i was not supposed to be alive or to be born, and that everything is just taunting me and hurting me. i feel so sick.
trying to think of good things. things to be grateful for, and to focus on. but i am tired, and my brain hurts and is too swollen and hot. and i hold onto the back of the world, and cling.
im just mean, just bad, just all full of nothing flies swarming and buzzing instead of my blood and eating in this, and i bite every hand and suck and tear at the skin, and i nurse like im a soft thing, and i become all watery and ugly.
feels like i can't pay enough penance, and i can't be enough of anything to get something good.
i will try and be good.

10.11.23 + 10:05 PM

ANT BITE

deliriously tired. been up for 32(?) hours. and its not good. at least my body is tired. my brain isn't that tired though and still wants to engage. i took a bath today. i put lotion on my skin.i fucking am out of sleep supplements again. i don't think they're doing anything. my words all slur and mush together when i try and talk. i don't want to sleep. i just want to disappear into soothing peace.
life does not have to be good because you will just die in the end, so really you can just enjoy and like art and meaning of consciousness and beauty and peace and angel meaning cause when you bloat and putrefy it will be okay because you will not exist anymore so its okay to just like things and not be successful and just do what is cool and happiness. make myself cry.
used to be so intune with death. when my somatic fear pain made it impossible to breathe and i would cry and suffocate everyday in the library at school i would just look at decomposition footage and videos and read about it, because that is the glorious set of stairs of body softness. i watch the water in the bath lap at my pubic bone, and it scares me, the way the water sticks and then clings to hair and then it springs back up, like a bad reversal of life, looking sickly and chocolate pale like mud and septic body. think about the peach perfume that smells exactly like the plastic sticker of IV fluid placement on my skin. wish i kept it to smell like that forever maybe i just buy it again. feeling delirious, my body wants to just die. i get terrible facial distortion, and i get scared of my reflection so bad i start to cry today in the car. it is too scary.
i want to be movie night cocoa candle. i want to be puppy good and held. i don't want to be sick. don't want to get sick. i feel the bruises form when i move big tables or knock my bicep into the espresso machine. fucking hurt me ow.. please angel have i been suffering enough? will you love me and come back to me now? did i learn to be in pain again okay? ii hope so. please answer me. you make me cry when you ignore me, and all my dreams hurt. so please just hold me because i want to be divinity soft puppy. because i am sick and i will be good and didn't i learn? didn't i? okay.
when i wake up. things will be okay.

10.9.23 + 12:19 AM

WINDSTORM

another fucking loser day. got a bloody nose after i woke up, got dried blood all over my phone screen and just let it dry. it just kind of looks like ketchup now. just having dreams about hanging, being chased, being stuck. fucking sucks. its my days off, shouldn't i be able to relax? but i don't. everything i do that i want to makes me more restless and angry and afraid, and end up just punching myself in the stomach and chest trying to drive out the great aching pain inside me. yesterday, when i was preheating the oven, i watched the sky turn dark and throw all the leaves and rain to the side, swirling around in the wind and rain and i just stopped to look at it. i want to buy a new coat, but i don't want to spend a lot of money but if a buy a nice cute coat its gonna cost me something so i might as well jsut fucken buy a stupid ass coat whatever. i have nothing to say. the angels have locked me in my puppy crate and i am starving and dying in it. toss my crate in the river and let me drown. i whine and cry out in the night but who answers me? no one in my dreams. nothing but fear.

my manager at my job thinks im slow. my coworker told me, the way that my manager talks about me to my coworkers makes it seem like she believes im genuinely fucking stupid and not capable. she's not fucking wrong. but i at least like to pretend i have some semblence of capability. i need to fucking talk to my therapist i haven't done art therapy in fucking a month i haven't even fucking seen her face in a month. just doing fucking phone calls cause of my stupid job. i think i've written in here that i was going to quit at least ten times and i never fucking did.
am i ever going to be something divine? something good and pure? i think im always going to be stuffed in the basement, under the couch. i think im always going to be dirty. i hate this dumpster puppy body and face and soul. i hate its belly up stomach roll over soft belly reactions. i want to be untouchable. and i want to be held. im so defiled. just makes me fucking sick when i go to sleep and dream about this fucking terror. im in so much pain.

got humiliated at work too. coming down the escelators three people who work on the bookside of the store all laughing, where you know they're laughing at you not with you and im trying to make conversation. i ask one of them to put in the supervisor numbers so i can get clocked in since i came in early or on my day off i don't remember and the girl goes and makes a comment about my chest. starts laughing at me saying how all of them were trying not to stare, how they were trying to keep their eyes up here. bunch of humiliating shit she just kept laughing. fucking humiliating. not like i was exposing myself, i had a full coverage shirt and sports bra on. i just wanted to vomit. its all that ever seems to happen to me, just keep getting humiliated by others. i just take that shit too, i was so confused i just went "what" cause i had no idea what she was referring to. i felt so fucking sick. thats fine. i guess something in me just tugs at people to humiliate me. im just not a person.

come back and watch the blood turn dark and crackle, turn hard on the desk and tissues. feels like plaster. just want the angels to cradle me in their hands like i cradle the blood in my palms, i let it sit and harden and stain all of me. just painful. just painful. just painful. and it aches in me like nothing else.

what am i supposed to do pray for myself? or is this just letting me fall down through the cold sky, let the snowflakes and hail and rain all slide over me, and eventually they'll catch me. i don't know. i just hope, that there's some sort of guiding angel out there, some sort of cradle, that im not just a lost cause.
saw a picture of a deer leaping up over a camera. thinking about the fur and the heat of life in it. thats what its like to be held, because to be a good creature, alive and divine, to be soft and hot inside. thats what its like to be alive. i will get on my knees for this life.

10.6.23 + 1:41 PM

SEVERE

week of dread. my dreams have been full of frustration and grossness. in my waking life i am frustrated too. the phrase "rather suffer the pain of discipline than the pain of regret" is all i think about every day. im too restless and unsatisfied with just about everything to try. then that makes me even more frustrated. i want things to click. i guess i feel bad, cause im always asking for things to work out, fall into my lap and just work. but i guess im just very tired, and very weak as a person. no therapy this week because of work. my heart and brain hurts. but when does it not. the aching inside me is terrible, and i cannot alleviate it.
floating at the top of the funnel, right under the whirlpool part, where my insides hurt and im spun around with no direction or understanding. stagnation and pain, and other things. i need to buy my costume for halloween otherwise i will forget until its too late. so i guess thats what ill do today. maybe. i don't know. i don't have much to write these last few days, because i just feel cold and soft and moldy. im so directionless, and so unmotivated. times like this where im kind of stripped bare to the point of soft mushy wood and support beams, where its all swollen and bloated, i just have to push past the fact i dislike being conscious in the first place at all.
feeling unheld, and i guess thats what hurts the most. my brain feels so cold and dead. and my body hurts all on the inside.

10.2.23 + 11:52 PM

HOLDING

when we were on the way to the fair, there was a church, sign read "There will be Glory after this". It was so striking to me i wrote it down immediately in my phone. the sign implies two things to me, that this life is kown as inherent suffering, the use of "this" is implicative that this life of waking is a worse fate than death, and to be conscious is to be suffering. it was strange to me, to see something so immediately smeared with angel suffering, but i relent, it is just a sign, meant to make people go to church, or give people faith or hope. i hope there is glory, after this pain. i hope so very much, and it is very painful.

back to not sleeping, the aching inside me is eating me alive everyday, its so painful i stand over the trashcan because my mouth keeps salivating and filling with spit like im going to vomit, and then i'll start to cry.

it has been a year since i have started writing these diary entries. i read over the old ones often, about every week i'll spend an hour reading over everything i've written. it doesn't feel like its been a year, it feels like its been 3 days. and when i read over everything, i am just reminded of my permanence in suffering. every time i prayed or hoped or begged for relief, and instead the angels twist me up. i just hope they unfurl and untie me soon. i am afraid this pain will never go away, but im also afraid of it leaving me for a second. i don't want it to disappear, but i want relief. it is my baby, and my saint, and my savior, and it is also killing me. october i hope you don't end too soon, and i hope you will love me very much. and i need you.
i will be a good dumpster puppy this month, and i will try very hard. i do not want another year to go by, and to still be dead and alone, and to be nowhere. please offer me mercy and guidance. and please don't give up on me angel world. i do not have faith in anything but you, and i will try as hard as i can, and i want to be good. please don't abandon me here. and please tell me you haven't abandoned me yet.

i think about when my reiki practitioner said that he was holding me, masculine and protective and i was divinely held. please let it be true.
i love you october.