10.10.24 + 1:50 AM

CLAIREVOYANT

good morning world. i came home from house sitting two days ago, or, make that three. it was a very sad ordeal to leave, but the next day i woke up with re-awakened hope and desire within me, and felt very good. i got a new purse, and was very thrilled. i need a new coat now, and a new pair of shoes. which means hours of ebay fun. the best parts of my day, are curating beautiful images to look at, beautiful products that i could buy, and curating a very beautiful life i want to live, that i will come into.

i watched jeepers creepers after many years of reluctance, because of the whole awfulness surrounding that movie. i thought the monster design was too goofy to be fearful of, and the best part was the opening 40 minutes, and very ending, and you could cut out the entire middle and i wouldn't notice.
i have begun to experiment with scrivener, as i am working on a piece i'd like to have published. i do enjoy the setup, the tools, and the ability to have images and writing side by side, which immensely helps with my referrential writing and overall tone i want to translate to writing. i don't know if i will pay for it, but maybe if i find it enjoyable enough i'll splurge. i read this last week, "women who love too much". i think it is a genius book, and originally read it simply for the observational aspect of other's thinking and living, but instead found tremendous value in its stories and writing. i think it's an invaluable book. i hope this reading streak will continue, as i'd like to be voracious again in reading.

my blonde friend bought me a precious moments figure from the thrift store, it's a girl holding a cat, and i was very very very happy. it made me smile so much, to think she thought of me, so much to bring me something. very kind. i miss sleeping in that house, this time it was a very different experience than my previous year. i barely got writing done there, but after having been there, i feel much more inspired to write. last night i stayed up thinking in my head of lines and prose and how to form the story together and how to describe action. i like it. i am so happy i am being held.

every morning i have a cup of hazelnut coffee, splash of whole milk and chocolate cookie syrup. then i follow it up by four cups of variety tea. i pray that this feeling of fullness will continue. that it will be okay. i keep telling myself when i am distressed, "i am safe, this poses no threat to my life" even if even logically i don't believe that when i am upset. but i am attempting to work on the life i want.

10.1.24 + 2:20 AM

THE GIFT OF FEAR

happy two years to my diary.!

i have a big update today. and it will be a positive one. i pray everyone will receive good health and peace in their life.
today i had a busy day. i got three books. one is a self directed dbt skills workbook. i am currently doing IFS therapy, IFS being internal family systems. i think this is the kind of art therapy and processing that helps me a lot, when i can draw the "parts" and be able to self compassionate a little. i also bought, the gift of fear. i also bought women who love too much. i thought it would be an interesting read. i wanted to get a jung book but i just didn't have the space in my current reading.

i also went to a game store, and bought an evee plush, that is from japan. she is really soft and cute. i am very happy. i also got some blind boxes, but i regret getting those, even though it was buy 2 get one free, it was still expensive, and i feel upset after buying them. i am excited that it is october. and i want to learn to drive, so i can get my own job and be more independent with my life. i just want things to continue to get better, and have more good momentum. i know bad things won't stop happening, i have to accept that. it's just scary a lot of the time. i feel so physically, it's so overwhelmingly painful. but i want to continue. i hope the angels with give me mercy, and God will hold me close. i want a new perfume so bad, im so tired of my collection right now, i just don't feel inspired. right now everyday, i just wear two victoria's secret chocolate scents. my purse handles are falling apart which i'm very upset about, i love that purse a lot, but i need a new one badly. i want a new coat for winter too. i am excited about halloween and true fall. i love the cool weather. i love how the sky looks in the deep evening. the only part i hate about fall and winter, is that the sun never fills up the sky, and simply looks as if it is tightly far away, that the sun is always setting. it makes me very anxious for night.

recently, i have been trying to fix whatever is wrong with my body. i have been eating snow mushroom, and goji berries, or trying to. my entire facial skin has broken out in stress hives, dry scabbing patches, and flaking skin. it's very distressing, and i just hope it's all part of my metamorphosis. today i didn't go to the cafe like i wanted to, as they were closed. i have to wait until wednesday to go to my favorite cafe.

i have also started playing bloodborne. i am not very good at it, and am not used to souls games very much. so it's a bit scary to play. i usually go for management games, or turn based. what else am i doing. i started watching dexter. i stayed up until 7 am last night, and then slept two hours, but i had energy to have my whole day.

recently, i have wanted a different look and feel to the site. or perhaps my sense. i just have come to find working on my website nervous and angry, and i feel disconnected and strange. i want to continue, but i have to think of how to approach it. maybe a new color scheme, or different art. or maybe i should archive some of my diary posts that have become smeared with disgust. maybe i'm just disgusted by myself recently. i'm not sure. but with changing seasons, and how my body changes, it calls for a re-evaluation, and hopefully, re-emergence.