9.30.23 + 10:17 PM
went to the fair. it was nice, i had a vanilla cappucino, a lebanese mint iced tea, poutine, and smoked salmon.
saw a group of people i knew from high school. instantly recognized and could name all of them. felt so embarrassed. they saw me, and i felt i was staring at them, but i guess they didn't recognize me. i was good friends with each of them separately at separate points in time, but i never got to be in their friend group with all of them, and they all were hanging out together just like they were in high school. they were all very smart, high acheivers, all did instruments and stuff. i was close with a lot of them in middle school and in high school we drifted apart even though i guess i was still friendly with them. but, it was like. oh. wow. they're still all friends, their bond is that strong. i was so jealous, and ashamed. and just feels like, wow. im a loser.
here are some pictures from 2day.
that's all i have. the fair was fine. im tired. had to work right after. closed cafe, things were fine. i bought some tea at the fair too, i had bought from the vendor before. i bought, vanilla cream, rose, cherry vanilla, and chocolate mint.
⋆ ˚｡⋆୨ ʚɞ ୧⋆ ˚｡⋆
i wore ribbons in my hair today, and did eyeshadow. i tried to look pretty, or cute, or nice. i guess. i don't know. i wore white fleece lined tights because it was rainy and cold all day, and they got mud all over them.
cool. time to take a bath.
9.30.23 + 1:40 AM
goodbye september. today is the last day. i go to the fair today, well, once the morning actually comes. and then i have to work afterwards. i don't like it when people make weird comments about my body. i don't like being touched without permission. and this one coworker who is on the bookfloor does both all the time. it makes me feel sick and humiliated.
my room is a complete mess. i cleaned it really good (sort of) and now it is back to shit. i have organizational bins that came in today, but they're just sitting on my bed and i have to put them away. but to do that i have to put other things away. i don't have a lot of space to work with. just have to work with what i have. i got a rose syrup today that i used in my matcha. it was really sweet and good. i like rose flavored and scented stuff. i will try to take some pictures of the fair when i go, and see if it comes out good enough to upload. i don't know. i don't have much to say today. just feel weird. im separating like oil from water, and making those weird little oil bubbles in the water and you shake it and it looks like its molding. thats how i feel right now today.
9.25.23 + 4:24 PM
brainsick with aching and my monster heart hurts so much i feel like im going to vomit, i want to press my face in the dirt and nuzzle into it until the world swallows me whole. going to reiki in an hour, i feel so sick. i feel so, so sick in my heart. my eye warmers came. today was my day off, and i woke up at 11 am, so i should have had the whole day to get stuff done, but i just felt so extremely restless all i did was run around in circles. like too restless to be productive or try to do anything besides get this terrible sickness out of me. i feel way too sleepy too. like exhausted, even though i slept for about nine hours. this feeling in me is suffocating me, twisting all my organs and making them pop and erupt all over me.
think i am driving myself crazy. wish this was divinly annointed upon me, that it would be worth something. wish and hope and pray so hard for relief.
okay. well i went to my reiki session. and it was very strange. it went as normal, except i had a pretty focused intention, as i've been so restless today and aching, that i couldn't help but imagine ..my angel comforting and holding me during the session. afterwards, when we talked about everything, my practitioner asked if my f****th***r was still alive, and i told her yeah, and she had said she just assumes usually as it could be someone who passed. she said that she just felt some sort of masculine presence holding and loving me so much, and that the flames on the candles she lights in the room became huge, and that she decided to tell me, that there was some sort of masculine presence over me. i felt so embarrassed, so i told her what i had imagined during it, and she said that it was affirming, that i was so so greatly loved and divinely held. it was an incredibly weird coincidence, and i felt like i had been hit by a train, i was shaking and totally flustered.
it's sad, she says she's moving away at the end of the year, but she'll come back to the area again eventually. felt sad and bittersweet, and i guess i still have 2 more months to have appointments with her. i don't know. i feel sad, but at the same time elated. maybe it's just one of those mind tricks, or a really weird coincidence, but at the same time i want to believe her, believe it's connected, and that i have something. that it'll be okay. and that i'm held, that he's holding me, to not give up.
9.24.23 + 11:34 PM
IS HERE, IN MY ARMS
what the fuck.
coworker and i smoked american spirit blues, new box. i offered to get her the next box but she waved me off, said her friends bum them off her and she doesn't want me wasting my money. it was pouring rain and so cold, we huddled under the umbrella and smoked. we were laughing so hard at work after everything. work was totally and absolutely fucking crazy. reminds me of my old job in how much i did today. the store is open three hours less today than on other days on sundays, and if i thought yesterday was busy, today was double that. i was there pretty much the whole day from eleven to seven thirty, and it was busy with a huge line i think 6/8 hours i was there. we even had people 2 minutes before close trying to clamor to get cheesecake. meow!
another day of running around, doing 4 drink batches at once over and over back to back. in the zone. my last job was way worse, so i don't mind it being nuts.
my m*********/////th*////////////r said something, after my long shift yesterday, i asked her to drive me to the tjmaxx across the way to get the onesie and pajama pants and she said she thought i already got them because i had a break today. and i said yeah, thirty minutes, where i just wanted to sit down and calm down during the workday, not spring to go shopping then sprint back. she goes "that's the real world! you only get thirty minute breaks to do things." okay. well yes i already know the real world because at my old job i'd get up at 3 am, get into work at 5 am work until 2 pm, then stay until 3 doing extra stuff for my job for prep. and i'd do that five to six days a week for seven months. so surprisingly, i am aware of how jobs work. also they keep asking me if i have applied to new jobs and such, when they can barely drive me to this one because both of my p*************r*********nts work, and i don't have a lisence. so i don't know why the fuck i would apply for a new job when i need to get a lisence and car first if i want to work full time because they can barely get me to shifts now at this part time job, which is only 20-35 hours a week. i think everyone think i am fucking incapable stupid. well, i don't just think that, they have told me and explained it to me. at least my therapist think i am a cool guy. and she says i am high functioning. so i have got to be a cool guy then. and beautiful. cause she said that too.
i ordered two packs of eyewarmers, one is rose scented and one is lavender scented. yearning for angel love and to be held. i actually fell asleep last night before i could put on my eyewarmer, and before i could pick something to put on the tv. it was crazy, i actually was so tired i fell asleep right then.
angels coming to hold me? come to bring him into my life for love and safety? maybe. i hope i am beautiful and metamorphosized enough, because heaven knows i have tried my damnedest, and i love despite the pain and suffer torture chamber.
9.23.23 + 8:54 PM
forgot to write something here like i wanted yesterday.
cashier at pharmacy said i was beautiful. happy moment of my life. i woke up at 5 am this morning with my nose gushing blood, got it all over the kitchen floor and the carpet stairs and all over the sink, down my teeth and face it was all smeared on my chin and hand and cheeks and forearms. usually i just let myself bleed and get all the sickness out of me by letting it pour down my face and in the sink until the sink is covered in blood and then i feel better but i had to go to work for 8 am so i couldn't do that and had to stop the bleeding. had to clean up the kitchen floor, couldn't fix the carpet. get to work at 8, and before that when i went to get a coffee they gave me the wrong syrup in my midnight dark roast, asked for french vanilla got unsweetened vanilla. watevr!
opened the cafe, and then got another bloody nose. it was right before the store opened so i just leaned on the doorway and sighed. had to stay a half hour later, worked until 4:10 because it was crazy busy today. so so busy, my back and muscles hurt, was running around all day, grabbing and throwing around jugs of milk, and having to bend down constantly to get stuff out of the fridge and throw stuff in oven.
bought a onesie yesterday, so soft with black cats on it, it fits me like it was made for me. so today i went back and bought two more... oops. i just got very happy and did it. but it was not a smart move. should have just kept my money to myself. but i figured because i worked extra today i would get it.
want a cigarette and coffee. something i have put off for a while is making pages for my interests, but that is because they are so special to me and important that i feel like i will sully or dirty them if i do it wrong so it is hard. i made a status cafe, and finally update my imood. so those will be on index page and stuffs. need lots of stuff to update. and also need to draw more. i pray for angel love every day. had a dream about leon in vendetta and it was strange, and i didn't want to wake up cause i love seeing him in my dreams.
RAD brain sickness. im too restless. therapy this week was a phone call. my therapist assured me we'll do painting next week.
9.20.23 + 8:23 PM
went downtown with my coworker friend. what a fun time. we got greek food, then got coffee. i got iced americano with whole milk and lavender flavor. she got an iced coffee with 2%. we sat outside the cafe and smoked cigarettes. i even took pictures.
we talked a lot. or she did a lot of talking, and i was fascinated. she is very much like me in a lot of ways. and i even found out some stuff that makes us extremely intertwined, about our childhoods and what we did to cope with what happened to us. i felt so seen. and she's so intelligent and driven. she's so beautiful.
i even did makeup today, tried to look nice. but eventually my mascara and eyeliner all smudged and gave me raccoon eyes but i didn't really care. of course though, i get nervous that i'm going to say the wrong thing, or that i'll be too intense or strange. but i guess i feel like i have a friend. i even feel like i want to sleep. also, i forgot to mention but i had to reschedule my reiki on monday because another coworker had me come in to cover their shift.
really happy i bought new eyeshadow palettes, theyre so beautiful and i am actually feeling nice today. i was feeling really worried and scared last night and disgusting but today felt nice. i want to get coffee and smoke all the time. smoked my cigarette until it burned my lips.
9.19.23 + 10:30 PM
everything is eating me up, and i am in great pain and fear. my brain is erasing parts of itself and killing me. its disappearing all the love and angels ive known and im going to be cold and alone. and it doesn't feel like anything. and i want to dip myself into some soft water, clean out my insides and the infestation in my body and heart, and let it purify me. it feels like the pain is crawling and pushing at my throat, and some terrible thing is crawling out of me.
im back in the hot terrible swelter of summer, the light of night on the high hill, the fireflies and soft heat, spraying bug spray until i can't breathe, im back in the piss stained blankets and mattress.
everything inside me is bleeding out and slipping from me, sliding down and melting to ash and nothing in my fingers. and my heart and brain are all disappearing.
head first into pain and memories? head first, pressing my face into terror and panic? into shock? how do i fix myself, because my brain is slipping and clicking into permafrost hibernation, and i won't feel or know anything, and i'll be dead and catatonic and i'll have every part of me slip into the midnight tile of the kitchen.
please hold me angel world, please guide me, please help me. please let me come out the other side in hope and peace and safety and love. i am begging you. you are scaring me, when you hurt my brain like this!
9.18.23 + 10:59 PM
WE BOTH HOLD THE UMBRELLA
it rained tonight, i got called into work and got to work with my coworker again who i like. i bought us both lighters at the gas station, gave her the one with the flamingo, i have a plain blue one, i'll probably cut out pictures and tape them on. took forever to find somewhere to smoke, it was pouring rain, eventually we just stood by her car and held the umbrella over us while we smoked. it was fun, and the rain felt nice. i feel like silvers go out so fast. not very long lasting. she tells me lots about her life and stuff. i feel like im not a good story teller. but she tells me about her friends and her life. and i listen. had a strange dream, one with skin and mutant centipede men, dark rooms, and crawling around with a flashlight.
i watched edward scissorhands last night, and jennifer's body. stayed up until 4 am. i don't care. i feel so stupid and lost about life. i just think about how i don't have any in real life friends or go out besides to go to work. i don't want to be alive. i don't have aspirations. i don't have goals, i don't want to be alive at all. the things i yearn for are pulling my heart into stringy rotting burning pieces of tendons and tissue. my body and brain and heart all ache, im so restless all the time, and i can't move enough. i run until my knees and ankles and heels all hurt and are sore and ruined, and i bury and push my face into the bed as far as i can, screaming, searching, and its never there.
9.16.23 + 11:14 PM
coworker had found a year old pack of marlboro cigarettes in her freezer her mom had stashed there. we smoked them tonight. feeling totally lost. the more i hang out with her and talk to her the more nervous and the more i become like a little girl, shy and unsure and stupid and ugly. i have been up for twenty four hours again. it just doesn't feel like anything at all. my coworker is a sweet woman, i'd think she is an angel girl, a very sharp and precise life, but god do i feel empty and dead now having to interact with someone for extended periods of time. i feel like i am being slammed into fuzzy cubicle wall over and over. and im not bleeding, but it feels like i am. i puff on my cigarette, letting it dance and bounce on my lips. i feel like a very broken body in the snow, something dark and soft and smothered. and when you touch its body it thrashes around with such life, as if animated. thats what i feel like.
maybe its because i haven't slept. i don't have the urge to. i don't have the call. i just stay awake, pacing and running and walking and going outside and going to work and writing and doing things and i have to wait until my eyes won't keep open, until my body is blacking out, and even then my brain is wide and teething and rabid.
i'll feel better when i sleep. i'll feel better when im held. i'll feel better when the angels wrap me in cold soft rain skin, and kiss my eyelids and forehead, and stroke my hair and tell me im being very brave. and they'll untie my sutures and let me fall to the soft grass in a heap. and i'll be so loved. and i'll be so at peace.
i smell the tobacco on my fingers, and breathe in softly.
9.15.23 + 5:41 PM
i fucking hate driving. i hate it so much i want to die so i don't have to do it. i hate driving i have no idea where the car is on the road. i want to die so i don't have to drive. i fucking hate it so much. i literally sweat so much and everytime i practice driving i cry. i can't even think about where im going because i'm literally only focused on keeping the car on the road and not crashing. i don't know how the fuck people do this everyday. i just want to be functional and independent but i hate driving. i hate it so much.
9.14.23 + 10:46 PM
talked to my therapist on the phone. she really wants me on medication.
don't feel like anything. deep and dark and soft, in my heart, you'll always be.
don't sleep at all, just sleeping for three hours from noon to three eveyrday. so restless, and my heart is tortured and agonized. i try and be good.
my therapist says that before when i had been on medication i had just been in one class, and we should try a different class of medication like antipsychotics (which she said she hated that name) or an anticonvulsant. i love you forever angel world. i love you even though you made me born. i love you even though you hurt me so much. so much in my heart, and you're tearing at the threads and lace of it, tearing open the soft teddy plush ashtray of my body. i hate you.
if i go on medication, i don't know if i'll see the funnel. i don't know if i'll ever be lucid again. i am very tired. and i want to sleep, and be good. but i hold onto the struggle inside of me, and i cling to it, because it is a thick black cemetery fence, a thunder sky, rain and darkness, and its inside me, all over me, its my body and my structure and my saint and my lover. and im very afraid. im very afraid of everything. and i am fearful there is no one guiding me, i am fearful there is no one holding me, or having their arms open behind me. and there's no one kissing my cheek or holding my face.
next wednesday my coworker rescheduled for us to hang out. i hope it will be nice.
9.11.23 + 10:01 PM
AFTERNOON SLEEPING IN
I hate waking up at 2 pm. it is shameful, disgusting feeling all over me. and i don't dream when i sleep like that. i can't draw. i've been trying all day and it never sticks. so i'll just have to keep trying until it sticks. i feel like im on the low part of a great storm way, the small of the back of the ocean, before it crashes down and explodes your body with how much water rushes in. im in the soft sinking calm part of it, where it plateaus and shrinks down. soft and willowing, fuzzy and burning water surface tension, before it snaps your face down into the depth.
i went driving today finally, for the first time in months. i tried hard, drove for forty minutes. supposed to go for longer but i turned to go onto my street, i just couldn't, i got yelled at for driving too near some bushes and stuff because there was a road that was narrow, and he screamed at me really loud and it scared me so my heart started freaking out and i felt so sick and terrible, i didn't think i could do it anymore. whatever. at least i tried.
low points like this, where i am just wilted and stupid make me so restless. i feel so undone.
got offered to transfer to a different store, but of course the answer was no when it came to my ride, so i have to stay at my stupid store. even though i like my female coworker who i think is my friend, so that is one good thing. but i don't know. coworker who left offered me the transfer, had to turn him down i felt so bad. he said im on the up and up. i don't know what the fuck he's talking about, but i hope its true.
9.8.23 + 10:51 PM
HEAT LIGHTNING SEPTEMBER
savoring the early days of september, next thing i know it'll be over. swept up a dead ladybug in the cafe today, made me sad, i hoped to it for a moment and said sorry. thinking about nothing. so much heat lightning, no rain, big bright thunder streaks in the sky, lighting up the bruised night. i don't feel anything. i'm taking 3 different sleeping supplements, trying to fall asleep, i didn't sleep at all last night, too restless. i am having one melatonin supplement, one herbal supplement, and sleepytime tea. i just need a sedative. but i can't bring myself to pick up the phone, can't bring myself to get a new psychiatrist. my therapist still has the little paper we wrote a year ago, a plan to get me back on medication. i can't do it myself. im paralyzed.
cooking myself salmon, feeling melancholy and overripe. i want more thunder and rain, more flushed skies and wind in my face. i want to erupt into something beautiful and embraced. top of the funnel, outside of the funnel, in the funnel, it doesn't matter. i'm bursting at the seams in mushy past harvest freakishness. thinking if it gets colder, i'll cool too, i'll rot in the heat of summer, and mummify in the frost of winter. i feel the oil popping and splashing on my arms and hands but i don't really feel it.
9.7.23 + 11:48 PM
AMERICAN SPIRITS PT 2
smoked again with my coworker. i go through cigarettes quickly, cause i keep them between my lips and puff on them making them bounce up and down. felt like i didn't know what to do with myself. i feel melancholy. i don't know what i expected, i am always ill like this. the corpse inside this glossy film of mimicking; is trained to swallow. never satisfied, or perhaps my pain too great for any real bonding. i want to hide away from everything. i want to strain my muscles, let them snap and bunch and rapture. i want to be beautiful, i want to be held.
is that not what sharing the cigarette in the parking lot, watching the heat lightning in the night clouds, huddling against her car from the wind, chuffing on my cigarette to light it, then pressing the tips of the cigarettes together to light hers as well. is that not what being held is?
she's so beautiful. and the smell of the september heat wave rain is heavenly, and leaning against her car and smoking while she talks is nice, but i feel so ashamed of even being alive. i can smell the smoke in my nose and taste it in my mouth. and i want to be dead.
we were talking about how she went to a psychiatrist recently, and got diagnosed with adhd. she talked about how people think she talks way too much and i said i think she talks just the right amount. and she said that i'm special like her, so thats why i think that.
trying and failing to connect. i'm way too much. can't think of good things to say, i get so excited that i think we're friends that i just become dumpster puppy. or i just get quiet. and don't know what to say. i just smile and stare, and just shut up.
feeling like nothing. september angels, please guide me to love and peace.
9.5.23 + 11:01 PM
me and my coworker got to share a cigarette tonight! wow... so nice. american spirits leave such a strong taste in your mouth and nose, much more than marlboros. but i was so happy, to get to hang out and talk and have a bit of fun.
i feel sick inside anyways. i feel dirty and sad. i want to just focus on my nice night, but its hard. i want things to heal over my body, cover me in the dirt, and seal me up in a soft tomb, where i can just be dead and gone, not have to feel so sick inside. i hope that, the super blue moon will guide me and hold me. from when i kissed her ash to my face and heart and soul. i want things to be better. i want things to heal.
i have been thinking forever, about how no matter good things get i always seem to just be broken, when i try to remember times i was happier, or felt somewhat hopeful, i always felt the same terror and hopelessness, it never really goes away. i don't know what to do with myself, where to put myself. i don't know what im doing. i don't know if there are even angels listening or holding me, but i hope there are.
please world, please help me, hold me, guide me. please.
9.3.23 + 1:59 AM
having some sort of episode. there is so much pain in my stomach and ribs right now i think i am going to die. i keep screaming, punching my stomach, doing anything to let it out, but it is climbing in my tongue and in my mouth and up my body and all over me, and making everything white fire and pain. i can't do this. insane muscle weakness, i can't remember everything, everything is getting blocked off and walled out of my brain, and i can't scream loud enough to get it out of me. am i just upsetting myself? am i going crazy? its like trying to fit something, make something click that just wont go, so you get so frustrated you have to smash and cry and hammer your brain into the floor. i don't know whats wrong, its that visceral pain inside my body, in my stomach. i tried to feed myself, i can't even look at my own body. i feel like ultimate restlessness, like so much pain and need to run, i literally blistered the bottom of my feet. i hate this pain, i hate this pain, i hate this pain, i hate this pain. i want to cry and scream and let my ribs rip open and my body be torn apart like it feels like. i reach inside and there's cold nothing emptiness. i reach inside to figure out whats wrong and its a cold fuzzy cubicle wall. why am i so terrified.
trying to to let it out, my mouth is salivating like im going to throw up. this has been going on for 8 hours at this point of constant pain and restlessness and salivating. something is sick and bad and wrong inside of me, and i am empty and wiped clean.
i am begging the angels for help. and i am begging the angels to give me some sort of love. i spread the ash on my forehead, my stomach, my heart. and it hurts terribly.
i can only hope and pray that it will get better, and sooner than you think.