9.28.24 + 12:27 AM
WALMART BAG
whenever i have happy or good moments, all i can do is become revoltingly upset at how one day itll all be gone. how it's all temporary and i never know when itll be the last time, or when things willcange irrevovcably and will never return to when i was in that happy moment. whenever i am happy or having a good time, all i can think is that there is no guarantee these people will stay in my life, and be reliable.
when he prays for me, puts his hand on my body and tries to hold and soothe me, rubs my back and face, i just want to curl up and die in that moemnt, so i can no longer live in sorrow. i hate the fear i feel in every moment. i stay up trying to sleep in a pitch black dark room, burying myself in my blanket, and then endlessly crying and being brought to tears, praying ceaselessly until i can't do it anymore, and have to get up, and try again, to wear myself out and try again. it's so exhausting. i hate this human condition. i am seemingly incapable of coping with it. i want to be capable. it's that same idea, i keep returning here, to the place of hopelessness, and despite how upset i am the only thing i can do is to continue to live, as these complaints hold no water, in being forces, they pass right through reality.
today we went to the fair again. it was really fun, so i will try to focus on that. i don't want to be so negative, but it's impossible to function when bottling things up. i don't want my stay here at the house sitting house to end. i really like having my own food. my own cleaning supplies. my own place to sleep. my own place. i will have to seriously get a job after this. i hope i can go somewhere nice.
9.21.24 + 3:27 PM
TIME AND COMPANY AND THE EXORCIST
i thnik i have genuinely lost a good amount of my brain from stress induced paralysis. i don't think clearly, i can't type as fast or coherently, i feel so lost all the time, and almost plastered with fear and refusal to think besides worrying. i simply want. to feel capable, and to act on that feeling. i know its most likely because of my stagnation with finding a new job, and then i become paralyzed against action, and my brain swells up with fear. i must force myself to work, force myself to get up. i have strange and beautiful dreams, full of pain and truth. i have cut off both therapy sessions short for the last two weeks, because i feel so broken within myself, no amount of talking will inspire my willpower and brain to magically repair. i must instead focus on nutrition, and management of my nervous system.
staying at the house sitting house. i went to the fiar too, and so my stomach is very bloated and subsequently i feel very lethargic. i got an airbrushed shirt of derpy from my little pony, and it made me happy.
9.15.24 + 11:45 PM
MUCH ADO PART 2
really struggling. i don't feel much happiness anymore. brief moments of peace when finally i feel connected to my angel and slight overcoming of needing others. so badly, i wish to disconnect from the world. i want so bad for helpful and loving connection, but the pain and fear and uncertainty is just too much for me. i painted something, it was a painting of shadow the hedgehog. and it turned out really good. then my next painting was absolutely dreadful. art has a funny way of being so so finicky. in two days i will go house sit. i wish it was for a month or two. instead of just a few weeks.
i ordered a new prayer card, and some stockings. i want to also get some handkerchiefs and a new purse. the purse part is troublesome because i am so particular, and my smear percpetion ends up making me feel disgusted for no reason at some images. the more i think, the more i come to the bottom of the barrel over and over. that i don't want to live, but have to anyways. and i come to the bottom over and over it's just a waste of time. i always. ALWAYS have this impending doom sense perception, when things are ending or going bad. i've had it many times when i've tried to assure myself and tell myself i'm just being anxious or overthinking and then it comes true and SMACKS me in the face.! i need the angel's mercy more than anything. i need God. i need help and intercession and intervention. i just can't do this anymore.
please i pray to God to help me. i just can't live like this. there is no reward for my pain, i know that. there is only the hope that it will end.
i will be positive. i bought some new books this week, about behavior and it's relation to biological functioning. i bought another therapy book too. also, in much happier news, male bookseller took me to the zoo, and i got to feed the deer. it was wonderful, and very sweet, i got to feed goats too. they were so cute, and looked funny up close, long necks they swung around, or their big eyes that were just eager to get fed. i liked when they trotted up to me, or their wet noses and tongues pushed in my hands, or when one bumped into my sides and purse walking around. they were all about as tall as me, it was a little intimidating. the goats were cute too, and one tried to eat my skirt. they were very pretty colors.
please angels have mercy on me.
9.11.24 + 8:05 PM
SUPER SLUMP
i think i am totally slumped out, creatively, physically, and career-wise for now. i am tired of every part of myself, and i can't accept any of it as real. i have dreams about being forced in a hotel room, i have dreams about the worst of it, the most sick feelings. i don't have any ideas. i just don't think about anything. i have to take a step back, i know that i'll have a small window of feeling good eventually soon. i just hope it's soon.
i'm supposed to go to the fair with a group of my old coworkers on the 13th but as of right now, i just don't want too. i feel way better, reminding myself that this feeling will pass. that it's a temporary affect. when i look at it all stretched out, i can see the pattern of torture threaded inside me, but i can't let that dictate the fact i must try and change this programming within myself. it's hard when the pain so somatic, but i must continue. if i refuse to kill myself, why do i complain? i must become beautiful, and disappear into nothing with the extremity of this suffering. i want an overwhelming wave of peace, i want a crescendo of hands and arms, some cradle, that i can fall into. either way, if i fall into dirt, with rain over my face, i won't be alone. i won't be too shattered. beautiful heaven. i hope the angels help me. i pray everyday for the courage to continue, and the circumstances to thread my veins along the earth , to sew myself into ability and frankenstein myself into a new person, capable or perhaps conscious beyond my own limited programming and torture memories. i want to metamorphosize.
9.4.24 + 5:12 PM
DINO 200
yesterday went on a walk. trying to wake up earlier, but it isn't really working. sick people upstairs so i can barely use the bathroom or cook. went out with bookseller and other friend and got food though. i'm really scared of getting sick. i don't really feel anything right now. it's so much better than being in pain, so i can't be too upset at all. i want to feel safe.
9.1.24 + 10:30 PM
OMNIBUS
this weekend me and male bookseller went back to the place we went on a mini vacation to before. it was nice and relaxing i think. i gave him the birthday gift i made, it was a small booklet with art i drew and prayers for him and pictures of places we've gone. im really tired. now it is september. i'm not really thinking or feeling anything, i'm just really tired. think im getting sick or migraine, don't feel well. picking out new art for debit card. welcome september.