9.29.25 + 5:00 PM

FIGURE SKATER

today i went to therapy, today i walked for 54 minutes. today i feel like total garbage.

my cousin's dog brought in a disembowled rabbit with its liver hanging out, and she relished in tearing it apart inside on the floor. i am so tired, my cousins sleep a lot, and i used to stay up while they were resting but instead now i just sleep too. i felt this awful dragging of my heart through the tempest of missing something or someone i do not know, something stuck inside the depth of storm, something calling through to me in the past through the woven permanence of time. i felt so dredged up, like i was gasping for air, covered in mud and hair, sprawled out on the ground in white socks and white underwear. i've had dreams before meeting people only my heart knows, but i was so sore and aching this week, like my whole body ached with missing. something within me was very sick with heartache for this past, for this empty part of my heart when it seems something should have happened. couldn't listen to music, couldn't look at anything, i felt blind and sore. who am i missing, and where are they, and what is this horrible feeling.

i sewed a felt cat. i made a peach and cinnamon bundt cake. everything i do really doesn't mean anything. i am so depressed, in less of a swollen explosion of sadness, like an exploded tire, moreso the feelign of being clamped down. i had horrible nightmares about being raped, it felt like i was being squeezed with the force of two cars slamming into each other on the highway. my mouth tasted like putrid saliva. i woke up feeling like i had died. i am just so sad lately, i don't know what's wrong with me. why can't i just feel happy, and just be productive and normal. i can't even be happy around bookseller, i don't feel anything, i just feel so deflated. i need to finish my painting. i have so much to do, but all i want to do is sleep, but that only makes me feel disgusting. i just can't feel right, and it's frustrating me and pissing me off.

did more IFS stuff at therapy today. EMDR is soon too. i like IFS stuff a lot. i think it really works, and is better than my last therapist just saying that i have a fragmented personality and we never worked on that at all. i hope after i lay down and reset or regulate myself, i can feel a little more normal. things will get better.

9.20.25 + 12:27 PM

CURTAIN

i'm leaving again for my cousins'. i've had a strange week. i became sick, and had to go to urgent care to take a steroid. my cousin went to the hospital, i was extremely scared. i couldn't sleep, eat, and i sweated buckets all over myself, my clothes were soaked. bookseller became very sick, and he's very ill right now, in so much pain, i am praying for him, and i am very scared. i come back in one week. i am getting closer to finishing my new version of this site.

we did history taking in EMDR, when i come back, we'll do safe space/safe container, then we'll begin. history taking made me feel so locked out of myself. i hate that brain-feeling. being locked out of all connections, it's like i'm just sitting outside banging on the door inside of an empty gmod map, your brain can feel out and fill the world like water sensing the emptiness. i don't know how to reliably attune and regulate myself back to connection, instead, i just feel so cold. not husk like, but just that i'm on the outer part of everything. it makes me feel like i'm going crazy.

i'll be excited to get rid of the old way my website looks. i can't wait for it to change. i'm almost done with the elements for it, i'm very excited. i made matcha and earl grey creme cookies last night on a whim, they turned out very good, soft and chewy, the matcha flavor was very strong, i was so happy.

9.9.25 + 11:46 PM

CONTAINER SHAKER

i am in a contianer all on my own and the walls are all plastered with beige sour paint. i feel dizzy and my container is poignantly plastic and stained. i feel like i'm made of cloth.

a lot of things happened. blonde friend bought tickets to see my chemical romance, so we went to see them play. i wore earplugs because it was so loud and overhwelming, but it was so loud i still could hear every song. i was overcome with rotting sadness. i kept floating up far away out of my head and having to force myself to go back into my body and brain and listen, instead i would just stare into nothing and disappear. bookseller was crying and singing along, it was really nice to see him so excited and happy, and i was happy he got to see his favorite band of all time in concert. my blonde friend never listened to them before, and just got the tickets for him and me just because she wanted to go.

today i went to my EMDR therapist, we met and talked, and she's very personable. no actual EMDR yet. she warned me that after EMDR she and her other clients described feeling empty, or as she described it, like a husk. i don't think i'll mind that. when i told her basically everything i could think of off the top of my head about myself, she asked me if i ever considered going on disability. i said i never considered that. i know i can work, i'm just stupid. i know saying self deprecating stuff like that doesn't help me, but i'm so heavy with emptiness, i physically feel so violated and empty. i think that's a major thing hiding under this weight, is that i feel violated all over right now. i'm just completely collapsing in on myself lately. i don't know how to pull myself out of it. i'm completely someone else, and i'm unable to come back to consciousness.

it feels like in the princess bride, when westely goes in the machine. when the water would pump through his whole body (or that's what i imagined it was when i was a child), i'd writhe around on the carpet, my muscles aching right along with him. i wake up feeling that distinct "container" feeling, like plastic sticky walls were closing in on me on all sides lately. i feel heavy, and numb, and if i concentrate and focus too hard on what's going on around me, or where i am, i get that horrible violation all over my skin, flooding my senses and crawling over my face and neck.

at least i'm doing EMDR. that will be good. that will help a lot of things. i'm somebody else right now, i can literally feel it, i'm so locked away.

things will get better. i don't even know what to say about prayer or angels or my own self. i'm so collapsed and defeated. i just really don't feel good right now. things will chnage. things will change. things will get better. things will get better. things will get better.

9.2.25 + 11:20 PM

OCELOT

today was an okay day. i have a migraine that i'm trying to get rid of. bookseller is coming off his sickness, but his mother has pneumonia, and his father is also sick. i hope they will get better soon. therapy was very disconnected today, but the emdr practioner called me after my therapist confirmed everything would be okay with the insurance. i'm really excited for EMDR. i left a voicemail, so i hope i'll be awake to pick up her call. i'll have to keep my ringer on at all times until we can connect to schedule something together. anyways, i think after this migraine passes, i'll be okay. i started walking again, trying to get walking in everyday, but today there were a ton of construction workers on my street, so i couldnt walk because they had everything blocked off. the irony of that.! i'll try again tomorrow.

i'm really hoping i can get back into the swing of things, with bookseller being sick, i'm not leaving the house much, but that's okay. i'm not very invigorated being at home, i think the stress really hurts me. back two weeks ago when i saw weapons, i was having one of the most profound stress attacks i've ever had. every single joint in my body was aching, all my muscles were tremoring and twitching and it felt like i had been beaten and thrown around, it was so bad i almost cancelled seeing the movie with bookseller. the pain was so acute, and so physical, i was very afraid as i hadn't done any strenuous calisthenics or high intensity workout stuff in the past few days. during the movie, i could not stop crying from the pain, and i told bookseller i wanted to go to the doctor's because the pain was so bad, and i almost had to leave the movie, but i just thought that i would finish the movie before, so i waited it out. the pain was awful, i can't put it into words, it was so intense. then we got to the car, and i immediately began sobbing very loudly and crying, and bookseller said that i didn't have to go home, i didn't have to go anywhere, if it was bad enough at home i could stay with him or he'd get me a hotel if i just wanted to be alone, and i just cried out that at home i'm just having such a difficult time, and the pain was flushed from my body after my crying. it was so insane, after all my tears and expression, all my joint aching and muscle tension just left. all that fear and difficulty gone because i finally cried and said what felt so useless and pointless to say. i've experienced profound and debilitating pain attacks before, but never in my joints or full body muscles. i'm just praying i won't experience another one. i want to bake something this week, im hoping i can make madelines soon.