DREAM DIARY

4/4/24
Last time rememberence: 6:02 AM
Watched: Driving Through the Rain Alone 10 Hours
Dream Contents Took place in a huge mall, tall vertical, lots of greenery and soft white dappled light. the bugs were eating first, everything small and hard wood, then moved on to the structural. the bugs were everywhere. was walking with the bookseller, who was friendly with everyone, getting autographs and chatting, while i just walked around, 2005. went to the men's bathroom, and there was a young young man with a gun who shot people who said they believed in jesus christ, in between the grey blue stalls and dark blue tiles, and there was no blood, just slumped bodies. but he never asked me, or shot me, and he locked himself in one of the stalls and wept. i left him there and walked out, fixed my shirt over my stomach and over all my scars. we got up an escelator and i pushed my face into his shirt and and it was warm, he said i sound so insecure, i insisted i wasn't, and as we walked between the clothing racks i insisted. there was a store with such bright 2005 light, fuzzy and soft, and i was trying to steal the little charms and keychains to keep the bugs from eating them. and then the entire mall fell and the brown hard wood bugs were everywhere so much you couldn't see in front of your face it was hard to shop and they swarmed and covered everything in a haze, and the entire mall crumpled and collapsed and fell. and there was a large parchment at the end, showing the crystal heart from my little pony growing and swallowing up like an upside down family tree, first chrysalis and then luna and cadence and all the other ponies and it played on repeat as the crystal heart became cracked and mutated.

3/30/24
Last time rememberence: 2:32 AM
Watched: Air Conditioning Sounds 10 Hours
Dream Contents dream of my p*r*nts confronting me about a bunch of things i've only shared with one other person, personal personal personal secrets that somehow knew and i was filled with helplessness and fear, and the male coworker i was seeing in waking life was there observing as they started to unload that they knew everything i had said and did, and i began to throw a tantrum, crying and screaming and throwing chairs, and he started to tear up and said how disgusted he was and he scooped me up as i became catatonic, and he would not speak either. he took me to the garage of the house i live in but it was all cleared out, the single lightbulb on and a puddle of water surrounding a plastic chair he tied me to in the middle. then he took me out of the chair and brought me to this big "sanctuary" place, with lots of clouds, and i sat in front of this big shrine with huge curtains, and i tried to make a drink in this little cupped carving under a statue of the shrine, like a funnel. this shrine with the big curtains had apparently had so many child sacrifices, it was imbued with spiritual power. the little cupped carving between the curtains had a pile of white sugar, that i tried to pour matcha powder ontop of, and then add strawberry or sakura to the bottom of the cup, and then water would pour over the sugar and matcha in the statue. in the dream i was mute, so i'd tried to sign to the other people there to help me make stuff, and couldn't get words out, so i'd just try to sign, or lay catatonically in front of the shrine. the sanctuary had lots of little clouds with big desks of books and statues, and little rugs to lay and sleep on. the coworker would not speak to me, he was too upset, but he tried to cross the road on this strip of clouds, carrying toilet paper and paint and he got run over by a car and it smashed everything he was carrying into the road. they cleaned my body and carried me around in their arms and cradled me, and showed me this big whiteboard surrounded by curtains, where they all would draw and write their favorite things and interests and ideas and what they liked to play.
12/11/23
Last time rememberence: 11:50 PM
Watched: Creaky Pirate Ship in Thunderstorm Sounds (again)
Dream Contents strange dream, harry-potter esque dorm situation. i wanted, or needed, to cast a spell or bless myself, and in the dream it played a scene of me as a saint woman who cut her hair off individual strand by individual strand. she was described in her sainthood, as a dildo waiting to be used and blessed, her body just a vessel to take. she held a horse in her lap, brown and dark chestnut fur, and stroked its muzzle while she cut her hair. i was her at the same time. i think it was implied she would feed the horse each of her hairs. i and the saint as one took on the form of a ball jointed doll, with blue eyes, and silver white hair.
AJ from the sopranos was also in this dream. he was failing school, and a bunch of notes and assignments were in front of my eyes and i thought "how could everyone just ignore this, it was so obvious he was going to fail". me and my smoking coworker were behind the counter at work, and AJ came over to the counter, and for some reason, his masculine presence activated some sort of conditioning in me, to be needy, to need, and i unclicked the hose from the nitro cold brew machine, and it sprayed everywhere. somehow in the dream, i thought this would have my desired affect, of having someone to my rescue. me and my coworker tried to make a woman bet money on napkins, and i said she was stupid if she actually did so.
in another part of my dream i kept trying to generate spotify playlists, but no music would show up in them, and got really frustrated, and i "woke up" in my dream, and went to the dining room in my waking house, and stared at the skincare and soap that i usually use. i became entirely distraught and frustrated at how dirty i felt. i wanted to wash my face, but the rest of my body felt so dirty, and i ended up unable to do anything.
woke up at 5 am. went back to sleep afterwards. i felt connected, back.
10/30/23
Last time rememberence: 3:55 AM
Watched: Creaky Pirate Ship in Thunderstorm Sounds
Dream Contents dream was strange, i had an initial dream about some osrt of work and being chased by a cougar and cats with rabies that i had to shake off me and other strange things, but after i woke up to my alarm and went back to sleep i had a new-ish dream.
driving and there's this giant open cathedral with an angel statue dark grey and black concrete huge windows and bright grass, storm sky, with blue and white lightning thundering in the dark deep clouds, its windy, and im trying to take a picture of the this colossal cathedral, so beautiful, with lightning light pouring in the different glass windows that remain, and the giant angel statue looking off into the distance. shrine, alter, or some sort of rememberance to take with me in this sick lost dream, where i am unheld.
came across a vending machine that you could stick quarters into, and it would have a chance at giving you a prize, i got a puppy plush holding a heart, and a little set of plushes along with a madotsuki plush, all very furry and textured and i also got a big box of natto but instead of soy beans it was garbanzo beans. the vending machine also spit out tickets at me, which i couldn't use, and i kept fishing out and crawling around to get more quarters. but we had to go, and i went grocery shopping, some weird deja vu affect. there was one section with honey and pastries, and my vision was all hazy and glazed over, like i was seeing through a veil or my eyes had been covered in distortion fog. tried to look at the honey, all the bottles were half empty, and something about those pastries made them seem old and all hardened over. the other parts of the grocery store were more normal, and i was shopping for some sort of tea, and other groceries. 8/19/23
Last time rememberence: 1:41 AM
Watched: Creaky Pirate Ship in Thunderstorm Sounds
Dream Contents was in this hotel thing with multiple rooms where you would do activities and such. my room had two beds, and changed decoration halfway throughout, but it was full of princess and starry decorations and knickknacks the second time, the first time was just a room with two beds and some of my items. i was trying to complete this strange balcony project, the place we were at was some kind of, crafting or weird refuge i don't know. but i had to take these vine streamers and touch each balcony with my finger and the streamer would connect each time. but the old woman i was rooming in was making some sort of basket and got it all tied up. it was very annoying. and each time i connected the balconies it seem it wouldnt fill up with the vines. in this dream i also drove a bit, and it was pretty hard. the resort refuge thing, and we watched this highschool soccer or sports game im not sure, but i remember i was really mad and complaining. time then passed in the dream because gregory house was also staying at this hotel thing. we had talked some, and in this dream he had previous experience not only being a doctor but also having military training. there was a strange flashback story thing in between moments, of someone showing a patient extremely bloody and ruined gloves, and then throwing them away, another where House was telling me about when he was forced to go on this military thing, and there was a man who had a ton of cats on a train, and they both had a standoff where they aimed their guns at each other. very strange. he made little comments about treatment and such as well. anyways, i laid on the couch with him, and i was laying on his chest, i could feel his muscles as they tensed and shifted and bunched, the heat of his skin and the smell of warm skin under his shirt. i straddled his waist, and he touched my chest, and i could feel the soft warm glow of the lamp beside the couch, and the tv. as he moved me, and he kissed my shoulders and touched me, and i could feel his body weight ontop of me, the feeling of his hands. he admired my surgical scars, kissing them. it was very strange, but i wasn't distressed. i eventually was making crying or screaming sounds, but not out of fear, i don't know, i guess out of instinct, and this woke my f*m*ly who were also sleeping in the same room as him (?) and so I had to leave the room. I went back to mine and he sat outside in the hallway. I then played with a moldy princess castle soap dispenser, and filled it with soap so it could work, making the little parts move. it was a very pretty soap dispenser, filled with those small black mold spots on the clear plastic parts that held the soap, like a plastic dollhouse, where the soap made it move and work when you dispensed it.
note this dream was intensely sensory and involving, moreso than usual. there was barely any ;;dream haze as there usually is that clouds my vision, and intense sensory input for all senses.

6/16/23
Last time rememberence: 4:01 AM
Watched: Leon Kennedy video
Dream Contents the first part of the dream was a strange tour through this museum of sorts, with lots of dioramas, moving parts, taxidermied animals or wooden statues. i was walking with a big group, and this place was dark with soft blue lighting. the dream transitioned to a cafe i was working at, with a backroom for some aquaintances of mine lived, in a little trailer room. i tried to brush my teeth, but it ended up being with a lash curler thing with lots of red big bristle (to hold the lashes?) and with some lash paste or glue. it was really strange, and i licked my teeth and they felt still dirty and i was really annoyed. there was an event going on for someone else, and i kept walking up and interrupting, i couldn't control my reactions, i think i was too excitable or just not able to read the room. then i went to start serving customers, the place had tall ceilings and everything was bathed in orange or yellow. i kept messing up the orders until a customer said something along the lines of "you all can't think she is capable of serving me" so i took off the robe with the belt and hung myself from this strange sliding door and the bar above it. it felt like i was really tying it, frantically trying to tie it tight enough. then the ambulance and police came and i did not react, but i wasn't dead. so this strange healer lady did an "energy" or "healing" reading on my swinging body, blotting this paper on my toe tips and nose and then paint or ink appeared on the paper. it was really strange. i could feel the pressure of the belt i used around my neck very tightly. but i couldn't feel that fuzzy numbness of fading sensation from my body, or the loss of eyesight. it was weird. then they all left and i didn't go to the hospital, and i was left swinging from the top bar. and i remember talking to someone after who said they all failed me. and i really thought it was true.

Date not remembered
Dream Contents in this dilapidated victorian gothic castle, melting wax, torn or wet lace, spiderwebs, and rot all over the rooms and architecture. i wore a white nightgown/dress. the prince, or vampire, or strange man of the house came and raped me, and his genitals were extremely long, to an absurd extent. and he stared at me with wide and crazed eyes, and i tried to look as demure and in pain as possible. i ran and ran throughout the halls of the castle, as i was beaten and chased.

12/16/22
Last time rememberence: 9:51 PM
Watched: ???
Dream Contents Was in this strange sort of control center with an elevator that people would use. as you went up the floors they would get more decrepit and scarier, and all the floors were apart of this giant mall. There was this one man with a briefcase would would always go up past level 13, the worst level, and after looking for powers and other trinkets. these trinkets were like items full of power. i had angel wings. me and my friend would travel the elevator, and eventually make our way up to level 11, where there were the top players it seemed. we both had flipphones we used to communicate. there was a large carcass with pink intestines, smooth and bloodless and like large wet balloons. After many of the other players were busy feasting on this carcass, we went back to the elevator to go back to the control center, where we waited for the man with the briefcase, we got in with him, and went to level 13. the mall was dark and empty on level 13. the man seemed to have either left and went his own way in the mall, or had gone to a higher floor without us. the mall was decaying, each store full of fuzzy red and rusty mold and folds of flesh and rotting skin and muscle all over. me and my friend split up to search. the windows of all the stores were dark, and the lights didn't work inside the mall. eventually, in a small shaft, in one of those mall rides made for kids, i squeezed in next to my friends. this shaft was full of the mall rides, and was almost pitch black with that rot. inside my friend's pockets, were a pill bottle full of white and deep green pills. which we identified as barbituates and opiates. this was for some reason, extremely important. the rest of her pockets seemed to be full of that stenching rotten pulp, like autumn leaves and decomp. there were also rotten apple slices, like the ones inside an apple pie, slimy and brown and carmelized. after that, we agreed to take these pills to overdose if we could not escape the mall. eventually we made it outside, where i (or both of us, i cannot remember) entered my f*th*r's car, and the drive home the road was completely shadowed by darkness with only the cars headlights illuminating a small patch infront. i was extremely afraid to go home. as when getting to the house, it was dilapidated, an old wooden kind of shack or cabin sort of, with a box tv, and rotting food and clothing strewn everywhere. i was afraid. and i woke up at around 6:11 am.

12/13/22
Last time rememberence: 12 AM
Watched: ???
Dream Contents Was on a board walk shop, like downtown kind of area, with my partner and me in a store in line to buy something. I saw one of my old friends from middle school who i went outside to hug and catch up with, as he was someone i respected and thought fondly of. my partner in the store had not realized i had left, and began to worry and was texting me thinking i had gone missing. i came back after walking around with my old friend and a couple other people, and my partner was very upset beleiving I had run away or been taken and was extremely worried. The dream transitioned here
I was around 5 or 6 years old. my f*ther undresses me and begins to molest me. I wake up suddenly in a bright sunny building and my phone is dead, so im looking for someone to get me home. I find CPS papers about my abuse, but they are scribbled over in crayon and graded as if it was a school project. I become so distraught the dream transitions again.
Again, I was in this urban downtown area. Me and my parnter have a bookstore sort of, it is vertically very tall and has a slide from top to bottom, with netting on the top columns where the books are, with colorful and strange furniture. There's more shops to visit so we split up and look at all the cool stores. I look into a ballet style full length mirror, and I can feel my physical fear reaction to my reflection. I can feel my chest and stomach heat up and burn. I have straight auburn hair thats bumped in the end and I do not look like myself at all. And I become so so scared and angry. I move on to different stores. I had been looking at strange vintage lingerie, when we meet back up and go to this one store called "noodle". They sold honey sticks with all different flavors, and one of the flavors is trixie from my little pony that is "hot pink flavored". I can't decide as you can only get 10 of the same flavor but I wanted different flavors, including a "vampire" flavored honey sticks. The dream transitions to a completely different scene.
Reminiscent of my old school, concrete cream colored walls that are at the base of a stairwell. I'm waiting in line for the women's bathroom while my partner waits by the stairwell, and a man comes over to the line of women waiting and begins to publicly masturbate. My partner comes to check if I'm done as I've been waiting in line for a while and the man sees him and runs off with his pants down. Another public masturbator runs off as well, and I yell at him "yeah thats right get the fuck out of here you piece of shit bastard" and other obscenities. He comes back with a plastic looking red long barreled gun. Suddenly hes about to shoot me in the back and I have to put my back against the long flat of the barrel as I can feel it vibrate as it shoots. and As i am pressed towards one of the walls I can feel the heat of bullets in my back. I am dressed in a black skirt in a nagoya style school uniform. My parnter comes at the man with a bat, and I crawl and lunge to grab the barrel and point it downwards. The man turns around and goes to shoot me in the head, and im crying in frustration, but i cling to his legs and try and swing around, but at this point i can feel the --_negative hopelessness that permeates my dreams in situations i can't succeed no matter what i do. I woke up then out of fear.

11/27/22
Last time rememberence: 1 AM
Watched: ???
Dream Contents first; a large estate sale, cluttered house. in the attic there is a woman and as she carries this body up the stairs a flood of blood from her throat sprays out and she reaches her arms out in a lazarus reflex, and she begins to seize. then another gore scene of this man in a pugilistic attitude then to lazarus and hes dying as well. scene after scene of people dying in this attic and i was so fascinated. just wanting to watch the process of these deaths, not scared at all. i woke up from this dream at 6 am.
second; maze like school complex, many floors, and metal stairwells, some rooms rigged with traps similar to a scare or haunt attraction. it was like an apartment building, i was trying to navigate to get to my room with others. very specific dream haze, nostalgic and like i knew the place. woke up again.
third; was in my real life house, but my "f*m*ly" were torturistic sadists. i was looking outside the window, and there was a child corpse on the ground, and a girl begging me to help her wrapped in a blanket, and i called the police to try to get myself out of the house and to help these children, and as i looked out there were more and more child corpses decomposing and horrific. i was scared in this one. when they showed up there was no little girl and only one boy's corpse was there.
fourth; maze like museum?/shop? lined up with different choices and clues as in a board game, and these different glass or structured props as you would see walking through a museum display, with different notes leading to clues and you would have to figure out the path. library book shelves, glass containers of dioramas, which at the end of this path lead to this beach inside this enclosed room. there was a note at the end from this girl, her name began with an R like rachel or rebecca and she was black and had her hair braided against her head and a wintercoat that was brown with a fur collar and big kind eyes. and the note was reminding me to find her. find her find her find her and contact her and this was so important. the dream then transitioned to killing these bee/maggots with butter and when the butter touched them they would erupt with ferocity and buzz and hum trying to attack but the butter would kill them. from the beach we went to this decaying abandoned school, with light peering through the windows, and the classrooms dark. at the desks were stuffed my little pony character meant to be acting out as students. sitting there as if in class. the school was dark. and we walked around the classrooms trying to find someone or something, or to hide there and hunker down.

11/08/22
Last time rememberence: 3:40 AM
Watched: hollow knight playthrough
Dream Contents : was in this strange masnion much like amnesia the dark descent, these deformed and twisted up creatures were trying to attack me and as i went through i would have to snap their necks or position them a certain way to kill them. wandering this place i had to collect these objects like cheese or grapes or other foods or napkins. i was me. there was someone else there too, and i know he was watching me. very sweetly.

10/29/22:
Last time rememberence: 4:04 AM
Watched: jazz punk video, rain 10 hours
Dream Contents: This dream was in the style of a 3rd person video game like GTA, but with elements of a visual novel. The "game" was a harem, where you lived in this large house which had strong feelings of deja vu. The main man who I was in perspective of lived in the house with 3 to 4 girls, and would have sex with them all the time. He would just find them throughout the house and then make them have sex with him right there. The house was large, white, with a giant balcony with a room that was darker and with blue light from the window, and he would lock the girls in there and fuck them. There was an inferrence of ritual there, where this was part of a worshipping. They would present themselves to him like dogs. The dream had transitioned to gta style driving where the man was trying to find a certain location to exchange for some package. I could not find the location for the life of me as I really didn't know my way around the city. In the menu of the game, It shows a list of crimes you've comitted, and a list a crimes you've been caught for. A lot of them were for sex crimes.
Then I woke up to my alarm and went back to sleep. The dream transitioned with the same harem man, but now was in the style of a detective top down DS style game. But this time you were in a sterile kind of mental hospital. Another man staying there had gotten drunk somehow and begins chasing you to rape you, and you have to run back to your room. But I fought the drunk man and knocked him out because he had caught up with me to catch me, and the game prompted me to look through his room, and find something. I did not want him to find me when he woke up so I just went back to my room.

10/28/22:
Last time rememberence: 3:56 AM
Watched: heavy mountain thunderstorm 10 hours
Dream Contents: This dream had ::visual distortion, of smearing and dreamhaze, as well as zoomed in perspective and dizziness. Childhood sterility of clean houses. I was riding this strange train/was on a cart or track riding through these pristine rooms with christmas decorations, like one of those car tracks you drive through to see decorations and lights. except this was indoors with white felt snow, large dioramas of winter scenes. including abominable snowman among other things. at the end, we were in this parlor, and the people i were with [known but unidentified were seated at this large vanity, it seemed so large because of the zoomed perspective and childhood perspective.
These women, who it was inferred were twins or siblings, were the hostesses. One lady offered to do our nails, and my other person volunteered, and i interrupted to say i wanted my nails done too which i inferred annoyed her. After she finished my friends nails, I was suddenly under that felt snow which was lit with blue string lights and she began to sexually touch me. i cried and cried and felt burning pain and was trying to reach behind me to give her my hand so she could do my nails, and she kept molesting me. finally she decided to do my nails at this vanity, and the dream had very strong dreamhaze visual distortion from now on.
I had wanted School Days inspired nails because she was very talented and could paint a picture of Katsura and I wanted blue angel skies with white fluffy clouds you see in paintings or dreams and she began on my left hand which was blue inspired. I after that she did my right hand, and when she told me to look I only had one pink decorated nailed decora style on my pointer finger, and the rest of my fingers were painted black with small white symbols in the bottom right corner of the nail. i cried and cried, hoping to make her feel bad for not doing what i wanted, and just cried. i thought that i hadn't let her molest me enough and she was punishing me. the little symbols she drew on my nails seemed to mock the fact she had molested me. When I stood up, the door let in a bright light childhood light, and she sat on the ground on the carpet.