i can't make out anything in this darkness.
am i haunted? the house asks itself. the house that exists only in my mind, a state of time lost in between my eyes. under a thick layer of dust, there is a body that will not rot. an eternity waiting to be born. this is not my life, and this is not denial. i am in the waiting room. the receptionist will call me soon i know it. the receptionist will call me soon i know it. her slender glasses and thin black frames, her spiky hair and tanned skin. she is holding an espresso in her cheek, and her nose is scrunching up with the bitterness.
the pain is intense and i love it. the pain is intense and i feel like i am molested all over again. i am a doll, i am nothing, and i love it, its all i want to be, to be removed from everything, and erased. why won't you touch me, why won't you hold me. my brain is falling out of my eyes, and i am thrashing and suffocating in this dumpster. i am digging out the little body inside me.
i am all over again. i am throwing up all over. again i am rehearsing something, no, i am dancing, i am ballerina leg warmers, muscular and hot inside rose satin. i am dancing a dance where i am beaten, blood bursting from my veil, and i am crawling all over the stage, screaming, bawling my eyes out, punching with both fists into my body. i am re-enacting, over and over again, please make me feel that sick way, please complete this scene, do you remember how it ends? it starts like this, and i take off my panties, and they're fresh wet red and brown. and suddenly its exploding out of me, and i need to start again. and i need to start again. and i need to start again. and i need to start again. and im screaming and pounding the floor, which is also my spine, and im ripping out pink ribbons. if i start to feel flush, if i feel the turning of the screw, please help me dance again. please take the hammer to my brain. i am a ballerina. make me thud when i hit the ground. i lay ontop of you and suddenly i am haunting a house inside of me. one more time.
i can feel my face get hot, and my tears are hurting me as they hit my legs, i am sore all over. one more time. i don't remember anymore, please help me rot one more time. please help me become whatever this is. i am a maggot turning into a maggot turning into a maggot. please don't cleanse this house. don't wipe away these stains. one more time, i don't remember anymore, what it was to be a maggot. i don't remember anymore, what it was i was before i was turning into what i was before i was a larvae. each molt i grow into a new maggot, in this hot and yellow plush corpse. the flesh rippling on white muscles. thats all i am, white muscle where the pain is nothing but brightness.
cleave me away from this pound of flesh, and let me live separate from this monstrous entrail that has grown from my incisions, sterilize and sanitize these wounds, until i am clean again.