my lonely nameless life

mistake world
i am withering. i am so broken. they took my body and smacked it against the wall until i was all blue and purple and shattered. my mind is ruined. i do not feel in this body. it does not reflect anything that is recognizable. i do not see myself in the mirror, i do not see myself in others. it is like being a cicada. i am in a shell in a shell in a shell, and they keep fucking me and i keep errupting smaller and smaller until there are a hundred thousand shells of me and i am a soft warm fleshy maggot crushed in the middle. there is no sense of myself. i do not have a name or body at all. when i try to think of one, there is nothing. i can't even pick one out of a list. i cannot draw myself. i cannot describe myself. i have no qualities, no flesh of my own. nothing brings me a sense of belonging. i think it was because i was always meant to die. i was not supposed to live. nothing of this mind or life belongs to me. i do not feel anything about an identity. i only feel a horrible sense of humiliation, shame, hatred, rage, and infinite hopelessness. i think i am in hell. i am hopeless. i pray everyday for mercy. i pray everyday i can blow my brains out and die peacefully. i want to destroy this flesh completely, i want to completely be erased from the world. i hate it here. i hate being alive. i hate it so much. i hate having to be alive. i hate it. no one ever recognizes me, or connects with me in a way that feels under my skin. they just drop me and i hit the floor and my body crumples into putrefaction. there is no one out there. i am so alone. people can speak to me or touch me or talk about me but it never reaches me. i am so cold and alone in the snow. i am never who i thought i was. in my minds eye i am so something different. but it never emerges out of this ugly horrible flesh. i hate it. it is so painful. there is no one out there. i am so alone. i have no name, no identifying event, no flickering warmth beneath me. i am just to be humiliated and beaten to death over and over again. even objects hit me in the face. i feel like it is whatever angel out there hurting me. to shame me? to make me hurt even more? i have nothing to look forward to. i have nothing to look fondly upon. because i am just broken. and i will never be put together, never embraced, never accepted. i am just something to be put in its place.

the pain never ceases and the shame is forever.
i wish people would see me the way i am. i wish this body reflected the way i am. why do people just look right through me? why do they just touch me. i hate it. i hate it. i hate the sensation, i hate the feeling.why can't you scrub me clean, and i can show you i am someone inside of this hell.
i hate figs. and now i am seeing them everywhere. maybe i am a fig because it is so ugly and terrible fruit and i hate figs. figs make me angry and cry. now they are everywhere and everyone loves to mock me. everyone loves figs and hate me. i am ugly and terrible and angry forever. i wish i could believe in something. my life never meant anything but a reminder of the horror of a mistake of the world. and now i will be punished forever and always. why can't you know my life was real? that i was a real person? why can't you touch me desperately, needily, why can't anyone meet my eyes and know intense and horrible terror of an abomination of beauty. why can't anyone crash through the snow into me. it gets too cold before they bother. no one wants to dig through the snow to my cold and lonely body. and i have no name for them to call me by. i have no beauty for them to save. they just take their axe and crush my face into the snow, my blood completely black and blue and frozen into me. they can't even fuck my frozen cunt.

everyone is afraid of seeing me as a person. of something stirring behind my brain. i have a mind, and no one wants to acknowledge it. its easier if i am brain dead. why did i have to be so ugly. nothing about me is ever good enough. why am i so terrible. i cry so much. i cry every day. i weep and weep because it is a horrible thing that i am alive. and i am so alone!!!!! is there anyone who ever thinks of me fondly? anyone who ever thinks of me as beautiful when it is not true? will i ever metamorphosize into my true self? i just weep and weep. there is no place for me to talk but here. where no one will listen anyway. the pain of my infinite loneliness compounds, as no one knows me at all and i have no one to share myself to in a way that will mean connection. i am just ruined!!! i am just horrible and ruined!!! i want to hurt myself so badly so perhaps it will pay for this suffering and i will be allotted some mercy. but even hurting myself, no mercy is shown, and i am instead cast into absolute misery of ugliness and disconnection. why can't i connect. why won't anyone connect with me. i cannot meat anyone halfway. i cannot meat anyone anyway. i am just ruined!!! i am completely and totally ruined!!!