and in endless compulsion, my mind will not stop screaming why doesn't anyone love me
in a sudden spasm, my mind will scream out
"why doesn't anyone love me". "why doesn't anyone want me". "why am i not good". "why can't i be good". i cannot stop these compulsive horrible spasms of my brain. i cannot distract myself enough, make the music louder than that voice. it is talking to me. i cannot do anything without it. i hate being abandoned. why can't you care for me. why can't i be worth it. i am just too sick. it is not fair. i didn't ask be be permanently terminal. i think others see me as you would a ghost. in a permanent state. do they see me with a hospital gown on? with my organs falling out of my incisions? dragging all over the floor, getting dirtied and ripped up and swollen. am i in my night gown? am i always crying? is my hair black and matted, hanging over me, spiraling over like lightning on dry air? am i just a corpse, ugly and rancid. my ribs flowering open, virgin death beautiful. why doesn't anyone love me. i can't feel it at all. i can't feel the heat from others. i can't feel the blood in them. i can't feel their hearts, their brains. i am just pretending. i am trying so hard. to be good. to be good enough to be loved. can't anyone break me open like a crab, like a turtle, suck the blood and muscle from my back, let me die in vertebraic white hot pain, like a rapture, all my body ever was sucked between perverted lips.
i hate especially being stared at. i hate it when people look at me. is it because i am so ugly? it's not fair, i didn't ask to be ugly. i hate it. i hate when people stare. i wear a mask all the time to try and feel like i am protected, but in public i am so afraid of being looked at. i want to blow my face off. i want to destroy it, smash it into oblivion. i rarely look like myself. it hurts to look in the mirror, to look at myself, why am i made to be ugly. i only ever wanted to be beautiful, to be good. i want to wear a veil forever really, i never want anyone to look at me. it is so much pain when i look in the mirror, and see how distorted, whatever new face or body that i have been stuffed into. i am always distorted and mutilated. i want so bad to be purified of this curse, i want to emerge from my cocoon as my true self, as my true beauty, but i am so cursed to be ugly it seems for so long. everyday i fight the urge to take a pair of plier and rip my skin off, and carve from these ugly defiled bones my real face.
i think this is why in my art i cannot make the eyes have souls. i am just myself inside an ugly swollen disturbed and shifting corpse body. i cannot reflect a soul into my paintings, because i cannot escape this prison of ugly hell. i can't do this. everyday i cry and sob at how horrible my face is, how i am never myself. i wish you could know what it is to be a spirit, a soul inside a corpse that stares at you and you see a completely different, mutilated person. it is not me looking back, but some visage worn out and rotting, and i am trapped behind and inside this horrible cocoon. please angels let me out, please let me emerge a beautiful moth or butterfly or some wet and red creature of beauty. i want to be myself so bad. please please please. please let me out. i can't do it anymore. i will destroy this horrible corpse you have put me in and i will erupt from the crypt. i hate it. i hate that i am nothing in here. that someone else is seen outside. why can't you see me. why won't you let me out.
i just want to be me. i want to be me. i want to be me. i want to be me. i will destroy myself if i cannot be beautiful. if i am not good enough to be beautiful. everyone in public laughs at me when they see me. i can see it. they smirk and snicker with each other when they look at me. i see it all the time. i try to look past and far beyond, a thousand hundred million miles to escape their gaze, just look beyond just look far and away so they cannot see how much they are hurting me with their eyes. it is like they are peeling off my skin. i just want to cry. i can see it, with their eyes they are laughing at how ugly i am. i just hate it. it is humiliating. i do not want to be in public, i just have to be to work and do things, and i am apologizing a hundred thosuand million milipede times all my little legs bowing with me, i do not want you to see me anyways. why can't you just be kind and look away. why are you staring at me!!! when they stare my mind is screaming, i just want to scream back at them. its not fair.
one time at work, this very very very very very beautiful girl said i was beautiful. i was wearing a mask, so i do not think she meant it. i had no idea why she said that to me. she had deep skin like a fawn in the sun, blonde butterfly locs and her face was so goregous, she had big eyes and eyelashes and her face was like the velvet softness of clouds at sunset. all she could see were my eyes, and i do not know why someone like her would say that about me. did she want me to say it back? i really did think she was beautiful, but all i could manage back was "you have no idea how much that means to me". when you see my eyes you can see my deepset eyebags, plum and red and pulling my lids down. i don't know why she said i was beautiful. i hope she meant it. she looked so eternally beautiful, i wish i said it back. so she could know i thought of her in the highest regard. why was she kind to me in that way? randomly, suddenly, and i had obscured myself. why did she say that to me. why did she say that to me. i want so badly to believe her. i am crying out for a chance to be what she could have saw me as. i hope it was not out of pity. i hope in that moment, maybe i had emerged from my cocoon. she was so beautiful, and i hope she can know somehow i think of her often, fondly, and with eternal grace and gratitude. i hope she forgives me for whatever i evoked in her that made her say that. i hope she forgives me. i hope she forgives me.
i am begging to be beautiful. i am begging for the angels to come for me in the night, and blow my face off with a shotgun, and rearrange it into something beautiful.