psycho-surgical emphatic programming
"not like i had a choice".
carry all that suffering on your back, until it clenches down, clawing open your spine, ripping with its teeth your scruff, until its opening your back to crawl back inside, push all your organs out to burrow inside you. push me out so you can hide in me. somewhere you won't find me. in the end, when they find my body and open up those old stitches, my suffering will have taken every pound of flesh there is inside me. empty me out, dig your fingers up in me and claw away any part of me that remains. cadaver mind control, open me up and rearrange my organs, replace my body with gauze and water, with iv fluid and bruising. stuff my veins with black tar, slow down my heart until it bursts, train me to be obedient. i will be good, i'll learn to suffer, and it'll live inside me. i can be a good automaton, i can be a good angel messenger. i can be a good zombie, dig me up and pull me out, with a command, a word, touch me and watch me spin, watch me circle endlessly.
watch me tremble under you, i'll be good, i'll learn to suffer. i'll learn to dig my nails in, to rapture every muscle until the struggle is hopeless. i learn it in my dreams, rearrange my brain to your liking, stitch it together, take it out, fill it with milk and old words. i can be good, i'll learn to suffer, i'll be good at it. pull my sutures tight, marionette me with psycho-surgical prowess. torture dream-scape, dig your butterfly needles in my skull, drill inside and press your fingers in my brain. inject me so that my veins may turn to ash, that my heart my rot out of me, bruise my insides so that i may be operated inside of. slit me open, gut my insides, pin me back up with needles, and flutter the sutures inside me. take out my organs, plush and rotting, cram it all inside me, take it out and leave me empty. open my diaphram, and kiss the slit to open it, knock the wind out of me, and paint my lungs in breathlessness. take your hands around my throat, on my pulse, feel my body break inside, and suture me back up.
head down, grip my hair, pull me out of the ground. bite me, tear my zombie remains open. cold and papery, empty eyes stare up at that black sky, thundering. pry me from the ground, the carpet, the grave. you put your knuckles into my face, watch it crush and gush open my iv fluid face. watch me clutch on my stomach, my chest, when my scars light up in agony, and i can see it all. make me see the stars above my grave, when you smash my face into the cement. i'll be your angel ward. i'll be your fishing wire doll. i'll be pumped full from that syringe, as you wrap me up in those hot surgical lights, lay me bare.
butcher this frankenstein body up again. i only feel good when im with you. i only feel good in my programming. when you push my face into the drain, i feel like i can breathe, when you give me that relief of obedience. i can be good, i'll learn to suffer. zombified girl body, frankenstein piece myself into something dead and good. good as gone. i can be what you want, i can let you pull my sutures to move me. i'll move when you want me to. i can bite down, i can struggle. train me, zombie puppy. train me, zombie girl. a single word and touch, and i'll rapture this body, i'll fight until i unravel into flesh and blood again. so hot it will reawake my veins and heart, regrow my organs from the barren ribs and walls inside. so empty, they put up boards and lace windowsills, close all my slits. open me with your fingertips. puppet this frankenstein automaton, i'll be a good scalpel, i'll be a good needle, i'll be a good syringe, use me like i was built for, i'll be good.
pry him from my cold fingers in the mud, the wind and thunder swallowing that blue sky. i swallow down my spit and vomit, foaming intravaneous flashbacks. i promised. find me in that dream, and smile at me in that sad way, i won't care if i live or die, it'll all be the same in this body, in this mind. please, unravel these scars and sutures, let all this suffering spill out, and let me be held until i die like i was supposed to. spare him.