from the tv downstairs by the billiards


in the hotel i recently spent two nights in, i found myself on the final day, crying and sputtering stupidly, so overwhelmed by the fast disappearing reality of warmth and human connection i could not muster the strength to be courageous. i held onto the pillows and cried, my tears not stopping once, in fear and in my own anger and helplessness. the feeling of white hotel sheets, white hotel pillow, my hair falling out in spiral clumps, my expensive dresses hanging up in the hotel closet.

i had bought a retablo reading "peace on earth". it sat at my lamb plush's feet, while the cooking network blared on the tv, and i could not come close to him. i was so ashamed, so terrified, i couldn't speak, so utterly defenseless in how close i was to him, i just felt so scared, the terror was so insane. it was the feeling as a child, when you have the distinct and piercing feeling of some part of your life coming to an instant end in only a matter of hours. he scooped me into his arms, rubbing my back, petting my head, trying to help and speak to me, but i was unable. he helped me up, helping me to walk, getting me to his suit case. he dressed me in my pajama pants, and one of his shirts, beigeish cream colored, and wrinkly. he laughed, the sight amusing him. he helped me walk downstairs, where we paced around the lobby for a while, before exploring the upstairs levels like we had last time. the vending machine had ice cold items. he got a coke, i got fruit snacks, which were hard to chew, frozen and stuck to my teeth. he helped me in the elevator, watching for my distress, holding me, sighing and groaning as he squeezed me, like my terror would pour from my pores and onto the carpet. he moved around the couches in the lobby, as i stared at the billiards tables we had played on last time. i looked at all the chalkboards, some couples initials, big swathes of chalk dust, and forgotten points from the dart boards.
he finished pushing the couches in front of the tv, and he asked the people at the front desk for a remote. he held me on his lap, and we watched tv, until i calmed down. the main lobby still lit, playing music, the tv's still dancing with life, and the front desk people talking idly with customers still up late, it was my ideal, no pressure for sleep, no pressure to crawl into bed, like a blanket pulled over my face, and strangling me until i spat and drooled on the fur of the fabric, smothered and tangled up in a subconscious wave of repellance and disgust at the thought of laying down, watching the door. the couches in the lobby had some kind of fabric reminiscent of the global village coffeehouse or the coffee and tea places i would get dragged around to at distant malls and shopping centers. the television was nice. i leaned into his ear, and i choked out in small fragmented whispers, that i didn't want to go home, i didn't want the trip to be over. he started to laugh, maybe out of pity, or disbelief, said it was flattering, or half said it, and pet my head and tried to assure me, we would see a lot more of each other when we got back.

back in the hotel room, i continued to cry, no amount of his hands or his arms could fix it, and despite how tight he squeezed me or how much he kissed me i just couldn't stop sobbing. i eventually hid in the bathroom, curled up underneath the sink counter, and cried curled up to my knees. i couldn't think to pray, or couldn't think to think at all. all i knew was distress. when i calmed down, and pushed myself off the cold tile floor, he was waiting for me outside the bathroom, outstretched arms. i bleated a very defeated "no", drawn out and whimpering, and eventually relented to come out of the bathroom.

he held me close, but i couldnt stop crying. even close to his chest under the blankets, when it started to cease, i would turn back on my side and begin to weep again. i couldn't decide between fleeting closeness, and endless terror. it was warm in the bed, i could feel how much bigger of an organism, of a person, he was compared to me. how much more complete. i wanted to be complete too. i wanted to be in the hotel forever. i wanted to watch tv in endless night in the lobby for eternity. peaceful purgatory of closeness.

reflections from the other side. i ask for mercy in this situation. i ask for mercy that things will go like they should. that i will be safe. the only kind of safety i get, is the empty mausoleum of hotel hallways and abyss of white hotel comforter sheets. the feeling of someone beside me, the weight of an arm over my side.

marble stairs and dark brown banisters, imagining the garlands of holly and christmas lights weaved in between the rungs, carved into spirals. big marble fireplace. i feel the velvet of the billiard's table. i want to be complete. i want to spin around and shake myself free of this fear, and i want to come to my senses. i want so badly, to be back in that bed, and be held by him.