annointed smear of hell
i can't feel my body on my bones. i can't feel myself resting in this cold coffin. it aches and moves and muscles in me, and i feel nothing. try to move me, try to push me into the servitude of suffering. i bend and break. find my broken body in that dumpster.
i haven't smoked in a while, but i want to. i saw a man tap his cigarette out the window, and it reminded me of how i used to crack the window down in the cold, and tap it hard and fast on the tiny gap. id always forget my cigarette was lit and i'd burn myself, trying to get something out of my purse, and it would feel good to feel that sharpness, all my brain suddenly inside the tiny spot on my leg. i think about smoking. i think about being dead and gone.
i am a stupid girl. looking up at him, he holds my chin, he holds my jaw. i hope he just kills me. i am a stupid little girl, begging for any response. am i so revolting to be undeserving of touch. can everyone smell the decay on me? is it so obvious i am a corpse? can everyone already tell? are my eyes melting out of my head, my stomach swelling, my skin pilling and erupting with purple and black spit stains. like handprints of angels, all over me. hold my head again. am i really delicate? like a lace? or like a man bleeding out. like a stupid girl being smashed into the wall. how am i delicate? are you holding my head again? so i don't have to be alive.
i make it say to me, that it wasn't my fault. fill my mouth up with the blood in the darkness. drown me, thunder over my lungs and in the barren corpse i live in, fill up that endless emptiness inside. where he carved out a slot for him, that's never healed over. please bring yourself into me, shudder, feeling my sutures poking and wrapping around you. does it hurt?
i hate it, this phantom pain flesh. somatic stigmata in my body. pull me down under the water, suck my teeth and bite my throat until i cough up all the pain in me. force each bone down my throat, until it pokes out my spine, a pair of wings fit for dumpster angel. fish me out of the grave, fish me out of the pavement, scrape up all my flesh in the grooves, suck it up between your lips until it sticks in your teeth, and you can taste every memory i forgot. cherish the ripples of my stitches, when you feel my fingertips graze your face. find me where i curl up in the sink, i'm circling the drain with my skin. can you put the syringe to my lips, and hold my jaw while you fill my mouth with mercy's medicine. fill the bathtub with my old bodies, each one birthed each time i dream. we can watch them decay in the porcelain, turn to putrefaction soup and turn to nothing again. all that sickness i carry in me. the black flies spiral in my soft head, you can thumb it open like a peach, peel back my skin and find that soft sweet flesh. move my muscles, smear that red pink white blood and tissue over my eyes, pull my cheeks, i am a body bag girl. down that aisle, feel the small of my back, and rub small circles on my head while i kneel chest deep in the flooded street. move your palm to cup my cheek, feel the steeple crumbling inside of me.