super torture adventure


today i am having a difficult time.
remembering today. today happened, and is real. nonsensical kiss.

my head is swimming
staring at nothing, i'm lost in the images and thoughts, it's like im dreaming while awake
my brain is so heavy in my head, or weightless, like it's helium and just floating around aimlessly attached to my body, or it's insanely heavy, i can't keep it upright
i'm really dead. my limbs are extra sensitized, i can't stop writhing, can't stop flinching
the world is collapsing all around me, i'm alone, the world is not alive, and i am dead. i can feel it like circulating being cut off, im a stump
my muscles are so cinched up, i have to work to relax them, i have to work to even feel them
can't stop thinking, can't stop thinking, can't stop thinking about being forced, and carpet burn. my vision gets cloudy like i have cataracts. my body feels like it's covered in gauze
disbelief, to unbelief, to believing to relief. disbelief, to fervent prayer, to unbelief, to doubt and shame, to remembering, and believing and relief
psychoscripting activating, compulsive urge to hurt myself, my arms are numb, my legs are numb, everything feels like fuzzy pins and needles, whirring with blood. i know it's training, i know i don't have to anymore
just drowning myself in memories, trying to soothe myself, but instead i can feel it, the button presses and clicks inward, i'm so defeated and unconscious, it's like trying to stop yourself from passing out.!
yes it was torture
i trust myself. i believe myself. i know it happened. Jesus knows it happened. it's not a dream.
just guilt. shame. i physically fragment off in my head, one part of me afraid and suffering and childlike, then there's this part of me, that's bitter,and angry, and unrelentingly cruel. it can endure, and it will endure, and it won't stop for anyone, and it will put us through pain and everything, while all the while denying anything is wrong. i can feel all the splinters and fragments poking me in my brain
my hands and arms are shaking and shivering so bad, my motor skills are nonexistant. it's like i'm insanely sleep deprived. even my face looks different, it looks like i'm starving and dying
sexual anorexia. sexual bulimia. holy anorexia, holy bulimia.
i can't feel my body, i'm not inside of it
i can feel the pain of the heat from my bowl of amaranth and oatmeal and matcha. it's painful and stinging my hands, so i try to go into the heat, but then as soon as i go into the pain, i disappear, like a water bubble, like a pearl.
i am frankenstein
no one is coming to touch me right now. but when i say that it isn't true to me. i will make it true
i don't like kissing. i don't like other people's bodies.
torture progrmming. torture script. i'm a really good girl when i endure pain. but there's no more pain to endure, i can be free. like a picture of an angel chained up in a house, i can fly away now really far and fast
if i take a bath, i will not drown myself. no one will push my head under the water, not even me. i am a freshwater pearl.!
i will take a deep breath, and it will really fill my body. i feel like a dead body, and my breathing is false. even when i breathe manually, it doesn't feel like anything is happening.
i will purify my insides,
je n'aime pas
i like dresses and shoes. i like macarons and rainy days.
i don't have to put my face on the carpet. i don't have to lay down on the carpet today, or any other day.
i will read my book today. i don't have to drift off.
impurity perception is really really strong and painful. i feel like i'm in a minefield. even saying that is impure and wrong. i'm somewhere else
no more groping around in the dark