i was waiting and waiting and waiting, but no one came, nothing happened, and there was nothing there left for me.

i walked out of my house to realize it had rotted from the inside out. each window and door was empty and sunken, each trinket of childhood was hogtied to the walls, the banister was splintered inward, and the stairs were all missing. but when i walked out of my house and turned around, i could see the figure of someone staring out from the observatory.

the image above describes the affective states of arousal. i often apply psychosomatic language loosely to my experience. i find charts like this simple and easy to navigate, and i enjoy feeling around the shapes like walking on a path or physically dragging my fingers in on and around them to feel temperature, texture, and shape. i believe it's a crosswiring in my brain akin to some sort of synesthesia which i do experience grapheme-color to some extent, but the physicality and sensory load of my perception and emotions as well as episodes makes it difficult to describe what i want to convey verbally.

i took a marginal amount of inspiration from these very physical flow charts about psychological processing and adaptation, and combined them into my own visualization of how the psycho-affective structures have hardened in my mind.

i believe i read once that the "psycho-electric weapons effect" image symptoms line up with the psycho-somatic symptoms of molestation, physical and emotional torture as a child, and other severe forms of tormenting the mind into defeat, shutting down all narrative and sensory understanding, and laying waste to the connection all people inherently have to the greater collective. i feel like that is one of the harshest punishments, the delirium of experiencing life as completely separate from human-kind, and the unbearable weight of violation when coming into contact with others.

i do truly believe that the symptoms given on this diagram are scarily similar to some of the worst symptoms experienced.
all-body pain
sleep prevention,
forced 'drop-in-your-tracks' sleep inducement,
electric shocks,
forced 'muscle quaking' of the large muscles on the back,
forced movement of jaw and clacking of teeth,
wildly racing heart without cause,
special attention to genital area: forced orgasm, intense pain,
controlled dreams,
forced memory blanking and induced erroneous actions,
wild flailing,
sometimes followed by short periods of 'rigor mortis',
intense general pain, hot needles pushed deep into flesh sensations.

bizarre to have a lot of my symptoms so specifically listed on this diagram.

the above diagram is about the cognitive structures of solitude.

i don't write about this for others to understand, but for my own understanding, and reflection and making sense of my own perception of the world, a preservation of myself.