i am really lost now. the places i scraped and scratched into the walls have been filled up or torn down. i can't crawl away to somewhere inside. the exposure feels like burning to white ash in the sun, collapsing, i become nothing to myself.

balbbel
the soft blanket of darkness that once held and sheltered me, one i could touch and suck on the tiles, my knees would make footsteps, my eyelids the veil to touch and feel this hidden sanitarium. it was clean and i was fettered in safety. soft velveteen darkness, the world could not undress the castle from its isolation, and there i laid in the belltower, in the halls, in what was consecrated in undiscovery.

the image above makes references to virtues of Christ within the human nature, and connects them to bible passages, to make the argument of Christ within all of us.

"Afer this, when I returned to myself, I discovered that I was glad to suffer every injury and pain for God, and that nothing anyone could say or do could henceforth separate me from him. And I cried out: "Lord what can henceforth separate me from you?" In response I was told that there was nothing that could separate me from God. Furthermore, I delighted in the thought of my death. One cannot imagine the delight that is mine when I think of the day of my death."

all of my cognition agonizing is focused on the fact i'd rather not just live. it makes me sad, i try hard to be spiritual but i think my relationship with a higher power can only remain in a separate pool on my own. i can't seem to join the great flowing stream of spirituality that others participate in. i feel like Christ can only know my heart, and knows that i was just constructed incorrectly. something just ruined and marred across my spine, like flushing nails against pantyhose. volatile fantasizing of failing, my soul unraveling and spitting up. any closeness leads to my spurred body writhing for distance. how will i learn His love if i have such immense distance between my soul and my body. His acceptance and forgiveness is what i lean on in my solitude to retain the pureness of disconnection, i hope He can forgive the way i've been constructed, and He will turn me to ash. i am always separated by my body's wrong-ness. my body refuses to touch, my mind refuses to resolve, and my heart only walks and tumbles in circles in the dirt. what am i to pray for in my disgust and pain. His understanding is all i can hope for.

FIGURE BY NANCY GROSSMAN (1970)